Spitalfield

I MUST write something to get that video down lower on the page >.< Now its making me cringe whenever I see it. It was a super spur of the moment of weakness thing. Long post coming up.

Deployment is ending and I'll return to Maju soon enough- good things must come to an end. It has been EXTENDED but that only means I'll be up in arms on Christmas. Yes, Christmas. You have no idea how much that thought darkens my heart and mind. Then again, as pessimistic as it may sound, missing Christmas isn't going to be much different from being there.

Off the side, I am no musician but seems like I've been messing up my acoustic rock (like what?) with soft rock- alright its the acoustic rock SOUND with the soft rock LYRICS. Alright maybe I am messing this up again but I wanted to find the place to slot this- so it isn't just floating around undecided. Like everything else in my life.

I am really slow to comment but the case of the first Singaporean terrorist victim really is such a pity. She was so young and full of promise, it was a stroke of misfortune- being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The terrorists used way too little logic, killing a small number of people will steel the resolve of their enemies not to give in to their demands. The deaths are more personal and targeted which incites righteous anger. To really shake the world into listening, a massive action has to be taken -like 911- maybe on a even larger scale. The loss of thousands will blur the authorities away from who and how they died to WHY, giving them reason to notice your cause and sober to the fact that you are that capable. From the moment they embarked on such a minuscule operation they were doomed to death- so why not go out with a greater bang and make yourself heard loud and proud. If you truly do not fear death.

These terrorists are such failures.

Happy Birthday Joel!! The party was a blast :) Glad you enjoyed the gift. I will write in your book, some day. The less marks one leaves, the harder it is to trace their passing.

Went for the My Hope movement on Friday, alright so it was not exactly successful since no one new was there. But it was quite fun and meaningful. Vanity of vanities all is vanity like a bubble that bursts. How much is enough if there ever is? There will never be enough. Human greed is unlimited, the very concept of enough is a stain to the hunger for more. I just hope I could have sent off the mission trip people.

To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) is an American non-profit organization which aims to present hope and find help for people struggling with problems such as depression, drug addiction, self-injury, and suicide. I had no idea that when it was founded in March 06 the person who went around promoting the movement would be so special. Their slogans include "Love is the movement" "Rescue is Possible" and "Stop the Bleeding"- I always thought it was just Love is the movement, Rescue is possible, didn't know about the third one they use at live events. Why bring this up? Because I absolutely adore their slogans- If i had a credit card I'd buy their t-shirts. Beautiful.

Flipping through other people's blogs can be quite painful.

JC was a 2 year blur, perhaps I had my eyes and mind turned in the wrong direction, not seeing all the life that was there. Reading back now, it was really happening for so many people. There were activists, singers, clubbers, the good people who still had as much life as the goth looking alcoholics, the kind, the downright nasty, the beautiful, the beauty that had to be uncovered, the handsome, the handsomeness that was just a front and so much more. I really was lucky to be in A02, it may be the most diverse class but it truly was the most absolutely amazing compound.

Are we really the sum of experiences we've had in life thus far? All these wasted years making me the person I am. Where was the fork in the road where I went down the other side? Was it my choice of CCA, fed by a pointless dream? Or was it that wasted year in secondary school? The first person I spoke to and associated with then? Or even before then- in P4? When I rejected the essence of a clique mentality? Or in P5 when I first got cable? Even further back I can't remember- was I ruined by the internet? The radio? Television? The people I met?

To be honest, I am no gamer. And no mugger. And now, not much of a reader either.

The house can get really dark in the day time. I miss (all of) you, come back soon. Mission trip, stay safe.

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What I'm looking for are the answers to why these questions never go away

Endless Tomorrow

I'm here now most likely because I won't be at home for the next few days at all. I'm quite weird-ed out about going tomorrow. Of all the weekends I have nothing to do, the one day I do have something to pull on (SITEX, if you really want to know, which is quite pathetic in itself really) I decide to blow on well- patching up something I've been tearing at for months. Not the best of times but I'll live through it.

Sleepovers, ironically hardly result in any sleep at all- so I'm sleeping at night today. What? At night? Really? Yes I am! Sure my sleep patterns have been severely disturbed but that is no reason to be all dopey in the day if there is something on right?

So that leave me packing 2 days in advance. Silly fool.

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People can only understand what they've experienced

Penitence is a glove for priests

I have always found the two days off extremely short, especially when its on the weekdays. The day // night shift it totally killing my schedule outside... I wonder how I'll even begin to survive once I go back. There is a 3 day shift coming up... I really wasn't looking forward to this.

It was a pretty fun (read hectic) week at "work". This coming pre-weekend shift my usual partner won't be there so that will be like 70% of the fun gone right about there. A senior will be taking over- bleah. So yea... I better hit the library or something just to find stuff to do these 3 days. Its not an incredible lot but I hope to be able to do something. At least I finished my RR assignment.

Finished reading I"S. WK ah WK, I'm not the infallible epitome of goodness you make me out to be. If I were, would... would everything with everyone have turned out like this? I wouldn't have even met you WK.

Single guys shouldn't read romance novels or manga. Its amazing what you can come up with when you're bored.


Radio fluff. I just can't help myself, I'm a sucker for fairytale endings.

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There's no angel kind enough to hear my repentance

Stories

Ayuko Oka, help me remember that name, it will bite me again next time.

I've spent my leave days quite fruitfully (in my opinion) got to catch up on many series and get some work (however small) done.

I do feel blessed, for breakfast I had homemade pancakes with chocolate sauce (melted from real chocolate) and fresh fruit. Fantastic if I have to say so myself. There are many things in life that we should be thankful for

And I watched i mean really watched a lot of stuff- completed streamed and movies over these 4 days. I'm just happy that I had a break from the usual humdrum of life in SP coy. Lets not remember I will return there tonight.

I'm twenty now. And even though I am not sure, I believe that it will be high time that I chose. Time is running out.

If you were to give happiness had a form, what form would you give? Someone said its like glass- its always there but you just don't see it. And if you we're to just change your angle and perspective a little, it would state its presence and existence more elegantly in the world. Personally while that scene was touching, happiness- in a living form would have to be nothing less then

Trips aren't about where you go but about who you go with.

Strawberries. They're supposed to be sweet- but all I taste is a gritty, sour bitterness. The bite wound, bright like a fresh incision bleeds pale sticky juice. But that taste, is not wholly unpleasant- perhaps that is the sweetness I have heard so much about. The sweetness that extends beyond this unassuming ruby I hold in my palm, like a small leaking heart. Bittersweet and sour is sweetness indeed.

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Do you know why the snow is white? Because it forgot what color it is

May'n

Its been way too long for a post to pop up.

Been really busy, come the week after next i'll be on deployment and then AFTER that come December we have been scheduled for AIT. How we came to have to do AIT all of a sudden is not an event I'd like to talk about. This is the SAF's Christmas present to me, is that the best you can do? I'll beat this one too. One month of hell in a cell, at least some people will be joining me, even if they aren't in the same place going through the same thing.

At least for now i'll be on deployment so things will be fun but then my weekends will be fractured for a month. This is going to be troublesome...

I have, had a dream. Perhaps one day, in the future, we'll find each other. Till then, before we do I hope you stay safe. Oh, and God? Surprise me.

Woohoo! May'n in Singapore! I better check to see if im on deployment that weekend, if im not I will surely go!

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What will you choose? Him or the world?

What is sad?

You know what sad is?

Sad is when you know that the things you ought to care the most about (and vice versa) are nothing in your eyes.

Sad is when the most excited you've been in months is a card game release spoiler.

Sad is when you don't mind sacrificing weekends because in your heart you know that there's nothing waiting for you out there anyway.

Sad is when you worry more about not being able to attend someone else's birthday party because you know no one will celebrate yours anyway.

Sad is when you know that you really don't know- and that you've learned not to care.

Sad is- when you are so used to it you realize you don't feel the sadness anymore.

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We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.

LOVELESS

My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely

- LOVELESS, ACT IV

I have decided, my next skin idea will be based upon either AIR or LOVELESS, either way its going to be original and since the source is so old, I shouldn't have a problem finding material. The current skin is too dark but my skins have always (almost) been black or something along those lines- its neat and clean as well as a solid color. Someone once told me, of fashion- you cannot go wrong with black or white.

A sad existence, never to be close to anyone. At first she dreams, of the sky, and then the past. These dreams eat at her and she begins to feel a pain that shouldn't be there- and gradually, she begins to forget everything. Even her most precious friend. She is always alone and eventually disappears, the morning after she dreams her last dream, she will die.

Here at the threshold of 20, I've had more then a dozen and a half years behind me and none the worse to wear. Birthdays are overrated, each year it passes and nothing changes. Ten years of light, ten years of darkness, the next ten are grey and the other ten might be my last. First I am the light, and then I steep into the dark, next the walls between the two will blur, or even disappear. The inevitable end is that both the light and the dark will cancel each other out, leaving me with nothing- actually no, making me nothing. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust but if you become nothing before you die... then what are you?

I don't need another birthday, I only need to truly die once.

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Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

I Only Love Crazy People

Alright so I'm sure no one reads this now... lol. I've moved back to Maju, life there still sucks; no matter how I might have imagined otherwise. Sigh.

I got guard duty tomorrow, on a public holiday AGAIN. Whats up with the SAF and my public holidays?

Life is just sad. I just feel sad. Maybe its the rain, maybe its the lifestyle im not used to, maybe its the disappointments I've faced regarding my return to 6SIR. Maybe just maybe, im cracking up- not in the laughing way.

Its tough when its takes a web-comic to make you realize you actually need love. It is also quite disturbing when you find the only really attractive are the OCD girl with crazy hair and the alcoholic bitch (no really, her only defining feature is that she is has a really sharp tongue for criticism- in fact its the tool of her trade) who has severe issues in life because her father committed suicide before her very eyes at an impressionable age. They are not exactly lovable characters but it seems only the crazy people appeal to me. Ahhh Faye and Hanners =)

Its not that other more normal people aren't appealing- its just that, I don't know. Eye bagged, red eyed, tear streaked faces are lovely to me. Scars are thropies and pain makes one stronger- the beauty in surviving is to keep at it when it just gets worse.

Oh yea I forgot, its that irritating streak of mine again. That saving people thing. Or as somone (the only person who seems to have heard this little trait) has phrased it "you're a sensitive new age guy caught between the metrosexual and the chivalric knightshit". Pushing that aside abit, I don't know about being metrosexual (as in to say being image focused as opposed to who i am, says wikipedia, no it has NOTHING to be with one's sexual orientation) and secondly the chivalric knightshit (ahem) is - I don't know.

Alright I really don't know. Love shouldn't be about getting wasted and then laid (that is not love that is a badly plotted modern day romance movie). Heck, I have never gotten wasted, alcohol abhors me as it did in my father's veins (he is allergic). Moving back, why and how can Questionable Content cause so much strife internally? Sure it has its loveable bits but there's something strange about it- something- realistic (alright before you start mentioning pintsize I said SOMETHING, not EVERYTHING) It could happen, but its not healthy, no their lifestyle is very decidedly not healthy as rated by the value system I was born and raised with.

And about Sunday. Being serious- what do I do about being serious? Like This entire life is like a movie, running accross my eys, over and under all around me. Its like a huge script written 2D and a character just woke up 3D, and is baffled by what he is surrounded by. Transcending earth and the things we can justify and prove, going into the realm of the divine and God- I really don't know, I'm sorry Rachel, its not that I'm not serious, I just can't take this seriously, not this, not life, not anyone or anything. It just does not seem real enough.

I fear the big issue we're facing here is DESENSITIZATION. Numb to life, having lived so short but to feel so much. Rubbed raw to the point its nerves are dead, bleeding so much it can't feel the damage. As much as I loved it, I hatd being an empath and perhaps it has finally done me in. Not the science fiction psychic kind- just the kind that really feels the pain he thinks you are going through (regardless whether you are feeling what he percives you are) and believes he understands because of it.

I don't know how I got here. Women cry out in tears and soul wrenching sobs but men cry out in dry anguish and tortured fustration.

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And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

XKCD

Hahaha! I haven't enjoyed my nights as much since... like ever. Staying out is really awesome for morale (but terrible for your sleep hours lol)

I may not be QX, and I sure as hell don't really KNOW the coding shitz but thus is clear enough to be understood. Brilliantly funny.



I lawled till I cried


Why does that ever look so familiar :'(



HAHAHAHA- Am I the only one who finds the last panel kind of sullies the joke? xS



I'm going completely off tangent with what I feel about this but... why do they ALWAYS portray a girl for these things?!

LoL Damn I spent all morning reading those <.<

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Im not slacking off, my code's compiling.

Wreck-Gar

WAHA- I'm back! I PASSED!!! 15/9/08 is one day to remember. EIGHT tries! Madness. Well ok yes for those who suddenly checked their calenders it is the 17th because on 15th I stayed the night for island-wide and last night I was too tired and forgot all about posting.

RANDOMNESS:
I want the Tour de Japon soundtrack DVD or whatever thingy. Or even better, get the live concert! (But its long over, like 4 years ago). Can't wait for Dissidia and maybe FF-XIII but I don't own a PS3 (I could probably purchase one in a few years time at a greatly reduced cost but what the bleh, by then I think PS2s will be going for like 100 dollars or something)

I'm not a very good Final Fantasy fan x$ Having only played 4, 7, 8, 9 and 7 CC. Not to mention I only completed 7, 9 and 7 CC. Tsk tsk. Well I would do the older ones but they bored me. And the other newer ones are *cough*not *cough* available*cough* on*cough* a *cough*platform-i-own. Well other than XI but that is an mmorpg that no one I know plays so whatever to that.

You people know those online love calculators? Most of them are just trash but a few are more- special. Special like in malicious. Well yess that IS kind of cute in a way but its all in the privacy policy if you boyther to read it.

[This part is LIFTED]
Terms of Use
Welcome to [name of some stupid site]. We hope you enjoy our site.

Information Collected by [the same stupid site]
When you use the Secret-loves Calculator, everything typed at the web form will be transmitted to the owner of the link. If you do not agree to this, please do not fill in anything.

By accessing this website and/or the use of the service therein, you expressly permit, authorize and give consent to the CrushCalculator website to share information about you or provided by you to any third party.
[End of the LIFTED trash]

You see, it seems like harmless fun, well it seemed like harmless fun say about 3 years ago! But now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps once one has nothing to lose, many things become quite funny in retrospect.

And if you ever do find a real working love calculator let me know. I have to find the creator because Im searching for God :)

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Dare to be stupid!

Round Table

Today was the RR mooncake festival celebration. It was great fun preparing (since I had work to do) and clearing up but the actual event itself wasn't much to roar about. In fact it was mundanely boring- since many of my fellow ERs were in RBC rather than at the event. They only reappeared at 10pm after everything was over. Just isn't the same.

I've already updated so I'm a little tired out but this place is different. This will be an exposure, it will be rather painful and its written more of my own peace of mind than anyone's reading pleasure. I am not considering the repercussions of this action at this moment.

There is a rather exclusive group that I'm fortunate to be part of. The 15 odd (fluctuates) of us have stuck through pretty much hell and high water and each and every one of them are valuable to me, I'm not sure if I am allowed to call them all friends but their mere presence has a soothing effect almost unmatched by any other. I'm only covering a few members for it would take far too long to create an extensive list.

We begin with the mentor, she leads us, guides us and is understanding as far as it is within her capability. Occasionally she begins to crack a little but nevertheless overall I could ask for no better a guide in that team. Following is the semi-tutor. Thing is, having known him for so long it is difficult to respect him as one who is in charge, especially not when most of his actions do no exemplify the image he ought to be producing, but that is just the way he is.

We move on the the stoic looking one, ice princess that she is, cool and collected like a marble statue- pale and beautiful. Her contribution I must recognize as a certain chemistry within the group, and isn't as much a practical tangible quality as it is a subtle and passive effect. Her sister on the other had adds life and noise. Her boisterous outbursts and reactions are second only to her devotion to her work- she works hard and plays hard, is good with children and certainly lives up to her gifting.

Her comrade in arms is the singer, not merely his voice but his being is a personification of praise and worship in itself. It has become to him a lifestyle, remarkable indeed, he is endearing to those who are close to him in his own way. Such as the empath amongst us, she is very sensitive to changes and movements, and is staunch and mature beyond usual expectations. She thus is as reliable a person as none other to those who manage their way into her life. Its true that being in love makes one glow, she does truly have a very tangible beauty these days.

Then we have the joker who lets up far less than he knows, playing the fool to compliment out half-tutor he is deadly effective when serious and can achieve great things if he put his soul to it. Beside him would be the living stone, as great an enigma to me as the rest but with tantalizing glaces into his life- he does seem to care a great lot but is disassociated when questioned.

A confidant of his would be the cute but lurking baker. A few of us had rescued her into the fold and her growth has been exemplary. I am unsure how far she has progressed since then but she does seem to do well. Which brings me down to the last one. A long missing member who was on a trip of great personal encounter and growth she has finally returned and her presence is as enlightening as her input. Though I don't think she has contributed much yet as more opportunities open up her value will shine through.

What is the point of listing out so many people? I have no idea, I just wrote what I felt was right to me- and it has led me to an insight. This motley crew could be as close as family when need be and can vary in strength with great potential. I for one do not see where I fit in, there isn't much I can contribute at the moment and soaking up their presence is like a sin in itself. I hope by the next meeting I am able to show my presence to a far better light than it is now.

I had planned to write something that concerned a radio article and Anna's post but I'm totally bushed. 4am it is.



Its a lovely song by a local artiste. Maybe I should invest in am album.

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Not seeing them now will make seeing them the next day that much harder

Explodet

My course is coming to an end, and I have yet to pass. Perhaps I just won't pass, and return to my unit having woken up from a nice 2 month long dream, a respite from my life for the next year. Its funny, how even scum, from drug dealers to serial child murderers can drive but yet I can't even earn a military driving license. Certain people are worth their weight in gold, thank all of you for supporting and encouraging me all this time, I'm sorry for having let you down.

Its been raining so heavily recently, at all the odd times, almost every single day- naturally many people are bound to fall ill. Please do take care of yourself and have plenty of rest, I can't stress enough how important rest it. My health has improved by leaps and bound ever since I've been imposed with a minimum of 6 hours sleep each night. (The food is bound to have something to do with this since anything that tastes so weird ought to be good- or else)

I was having a great day. But somehow I just feel that some small insensitivity of mine has caused someone a great deal of misery. I know it was inappropriate, I could have simply given my approval and support but it didn't tally with my beliefs. And there's hardly a thing worse than being a hypocrite. On hindsight, I could have just turned the topic to safer ground but we were bound to end up there again, and I could have just kept silent. But some people, I just can't resist, I cannot ignore. I can't help myself or help you help me if all I have to work on is a silent wall of i-dont-knows. Its awkward, and I hate it, living should never be this difficult.



The Script, the man who can't be moved. Some people (actually I believe many people) see that this is a stupid song, but its a really cool song to me. Its a song about something so stupid that only silly people like me would have thought about trying something like that (I have lol- but thats a different story for a different time)



Its been a good 4? Or 5 years since I've first seen that picture. Still so true.

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Love is the movement, Rescue is possible.

Laguna Inc.

I'm watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Scratch that, its 2 hours later and I've JUST watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I know its old. I know its a really fu- messed up show. But there's just something about it, and yea I love it. I can't remember why I even went to watch it (I vaguely remember reading it on a blog or something, thanks whoever that is)

There were a ton of things on my mind but Im not in any state to expel them right now.

Maybe later today. Ja ne.

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A healthy soul clings to a healthy mind and a healthy body

Everywhere

Hooray! I finally got this page up. Blogger has been denying me access all day long. Now I can only access the home page but not any blogs- quite an irritating. MY computer is screwed up, that's all I'd care to say on the subject. Guess its time for a reformat again, nothing else seems to work.

I'm sick! This past week we were outfield and I swear I caught something. My nose runs, my head hurts and the stretch between my throat to my nose feels like its on fire. Eating and drinking is a chore! Feels like I'm going to just suffer this long weekend over.

I'm taking my TP on Monday. By God's grace I NEED to pass on the FIRST try- or be hopelessly left behind schedule. Seems like they've decided to put us back on the course all the way to the end. Meaning instead of me returning on the 5th, I'm probably leaving on either the 16th or in the 20 odd days. A good thing since we get to slack more on course, a bad thing since we are already time strapped to train for taking over operations from the previous batch as it is.

I finished reading Blink! And even though its supposedly some international bestseller I'm sorely disappointed. It was supposed to be a book that teaches you to utilize your innate unconscious instincts of thin-slicing to make accurate snap decisions. Instead what I found was an entire book of examples and explanations on how in certain cases this instincts can be fooled and how in other cases these instincts are not reliable. Basically all he did was to describe in great detail about WHAT and HOW it works but in almost no way did he teach you how to use it better than the way it already is (which is, instinctively). While I did feel a rad more well educated it did absolutely nothing for me practically. Bugger, I'm returning that book to the library asap.

On a completely random note, the bendy buses by TIBS are like so fun. Especially when you stand at the bendy pat on an uneven ground surface! Bumpity bumpity bump bump bump!

Gragh, my throat is killing me, and so is my head. I think I'll like go sleep first, be back online later to settle some stuff. Signing off, till next time.

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You're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes its you I see

Fallen

2 more weeks, hopefully only 2 more weeks before I'm going back to my home unit. Cos on Thursday Heng dropped over to visit and it seems he don't mind (hint, is encouraging) us to stay for the entire thing, an extra 2 weeks. I don't think the extra 2 weeks will be that bad but I just want to get my AIT over as soon as possible. Then again, if the last few weeks are stay out I'd be glad to oblige.

Is it only conflict the drives me to write? When nothing out of the ordinary happens I just don't feel the urge to put my fingers to the keys and yet the moment the moment strikes my palms are itching to go full flight.

Spent last night at BBQ with the Rangers. It was really fun, and even though I'm not going for the mission trip, I'll be able to help in bigger ways this year round. Praise God for opportunities. The quiz time after that was almost disaster, its hard to believe how much you just cannot recall after a few months of not brushing up on -anything- at all.

My PSP is ROTTING, there's nothing interesting to play in my opinion...

Alright I have to go back to camp- boo. This week I have my work cut out for me, wish me luck on my TP, I'd hate to break the string of first test passes I've had on this course so far. Thank God for that!

<3 Fallen

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Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire

Books

(The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) IUnderline the books that you love.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ/blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (I suspect so)
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas6
6 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding (lol I know, spare me)
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (I suspect I have...)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (is there a should have?)
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro (LOOKING VERY HARD)
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (Wouldn't have it any other way)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (another should have)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (Might have, forgotten)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Wow, I'm actually terribly under-read. Haha, time to start picking up again.

Quote of e Post:
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
--Bill Cosby

Dual Blades

I have been neglecting this place. Busy busy.

There's a whole bunch of events coming up:

23rd June - 13 Aug Drivers Course
24 June Company Cohesion Day (again? but im missing it anyway)
20ish Aug Army Half Marathon

Super tired, was up till 2+am last night helping to take down the vehicles used for combat shoot. Plus I woke up at 4+am that day to help set up the very same thing. But some people got it worse, the ammo team only managed to come back around 4am, so we left them alone when we woke up at 6am for breakfast.

Its wonderful putting what we learned at SI to actual use, since they did say we aren't going to be doing much in the realm of conventional signals. I've still got a way with that old RT.

Wahaha- our new sec comm has arrived, so far we like him better than some SParTAN :3

Driver's Course! I going to be a dual vocationalist, signaler cum driver.

"I may never march in the infantry,
ride with the calvary,
shoot with artillery.
I may never zoom o'er the enemy
but I'm in the Lords army"

Quote of e Post:
Don't let yourself forget
You are strong
Look how far you've come

START

WARNING! LONG POST AHEAD

This week has been one unlike any other. *deep breath* SO enjoyable, with none of the guilt :P

Its so rare that I actually get more than 2 days to myself after being in camp and all. First off, on wed night the entire unit got a free treat to watch a soccer match at Jalan Besar Stadium. Sure it may have only been SAFFC against Perak FC (yea the Malaysians) but to be able to go out is in itself a privilege! I may just begin to appreciate football =P Yea right. But it was quite interesting, even though we had to watch our team being grounded into a 2 nil loss. D: Despair, how to go 2010 world cup like this?! Singapore soccer standard overall still sucks lol.

We got to book out after that. YES, on Wednesday night. Thursday was cross country at Macritchie Reservoir (Its like Singaporeans have no other place to go for cross country runs...) naturally I was a non-competitive runner. The best part was running as a section, running alone tires you out quickly but running (alright, jogging) together makes the distance less noticeable.

We went out for lunch after that. And en route to Bishan to take the bus Jabba (like the Hutt? lol, no just his nickname) took us on a shortcut through RJC. Walking through those halls (alright, so we actually only passed through the canteen and multi story carpark) brings something to mind- we're actually quite old aren't we? Seeing all these young 16 and 17 year olds bring fond memories of years passed by. At the other exit there was this fence with a large dent at the top and a chair next to it. Seems like it has been specifically used to escape from school since its behind the buildings facing a long stretch of road (no witnesses) and is near the bus stop. *chuckles* those brainiacs sure plan well huh. (will get a picture one of these days)

And since our wonderful OC (who ran first in his age category during the cross country anyway- quite a feat in our eyes seeing how umm pudgy he is) declared everyone was to take leave on Friday we had the rest of the day to ourselves! And a long weekend to boot!

Was going to go slack around on Friday but I ended up going to help Jimmy's friends do their filming for some project. Polytechnic life is really very different from life in a Junior College. The first thing you notice is the atmosphere, without the uniforms and the sheer variety of designs the different faculties are splashed in coupled with the ever present stream of life the entire campus itself seems so vibrant and lively.

At night, went for dinner with my cell instead of having cell. Had dinner at Swensens! Tsk- sinful sinful... but then again, when was the last time I actually overate and then gorged on ICE CREAM? Longer than I can remember haha. There are never enough opportunities to spell out how much these people have impacted and added value to my life. I love HG2T, may we be slow to separate- even if the inevitable end does draw closer each day. (No pictures though, its with Dilys- why is she the one with the camera? Hmmm-)

Saturday and Sunday passed uneventfully, plenty of rest to tackle the rest of the week ahead. I'm looking forward to Friday once more. (well technically Sunday or Saturday night since thats when I'm actually free)



That was the Counting Crows cover "Big Yellow Taxi" feat Vanessa Carlton. Lovely song, check out the lyrics for a more meaningful ride.

This week has been totally fabulous, now I hope everything I traded away in exchange was worth it.

Quote of the Post:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

Faint Image

Emotional overhaul and upheaval early in the morning, mellowing out over the entire day- numb and prickly.

*Points down* And that is why I don't blog at 1am in the morning.

Quote of e Post:
Thriving in solitude has been mistaken as my life story
I want to blame it on someone else - It's so difficult

_dramatic_

Forget about what I'm supposed to do. Forget about what I've done. Forget all about all I am supposed to be as a soldier, as a person. I miss this feeling, I miss being able to write freely, even though what I created wasn't stellar. I miss talking, unguarded with everyone.

When did this begin, when did everything begin- the ravenous spiral of lies and maybes. Maybe it was the first time I felt the thrill, of leaving everything behind in the embarking of a new and exciting journey. Within a world where nothing else mattered save myself, and reality was all that my imagination defined it to be. When did I begin to question what everything is, and how everything is defined by each individual, different from me, different from what I imagined it could be. And I began to explore, the world of words- plain and empty, open to interpretation, my meanings open to myself alone.

Being around people, who lived in a world different from mine. Remote through a thick curtain which light could barely even pass through, much less words. Your voices, reaching, distorted through the void. A soft voice, kind yet full of sorrow, calling me from somewhere far away. Should I have run, or pushed through the folds of time, piling upon each other in a tangle that will never come loose.

Instead I wrote. I dived and tunneled into this new world that I had found. If... I didnt have this paper and pencil, what would I have done? Being alone amongst all these people.. how would I have lived? All the while believing I was ok because I had my pencil and paper. Writing gave me life and protected me- it let me move forward and helped me fight my battles. But now, I can't find it, not anymore, not ever again.

Having lost the spark, there was a dull monotony which I couldn't deal with. I withdrew, and let us fight our battles. Face our fears and bathe in our glory. And little by little, I faded away. The more I faded, the most it consumed me, the shadow of the spark that wanted to create something once more. Being unable to answer myself was worse then having to ignore the world- I was always there, and I can't escape myself. I wanted desperately to go back to the time when everything was alright. To become the normal person with infinite untapped potential once more and the ability to sculpt life in words.

I'd fight with all I had and swear if I were ever to stop writing, at that moment i would return my life to you. There was always a soundless scream coming from your backs as I watched you(s) leave me behind again and again.

Then one came along. You gave me a reason to break that shell, to see that the perfect life I was living wasn't at all. A farce that no one would be fooled by, a farce that was a baffling in its simplistic logic as its pointlessness.

And for once, I heard a small voice. It told a truth so plain it hurt. Its absurd thinking that your life is meaningless if you dont leave something behind. Just living is enough.

And my eyes opened. I sought to find others like myself, to tell them that its alright to have nothing to live for. That its fine if you lose everything, if you don't know who you are or where you're going as long as you live on. Just living is enough. Enough hurting, enough fighting, we'll lay our arms down today.

sdrow erom on, one call
Heya, hows life?
Good
(You'll probably cry alot again)
Are you alright?
(Don't cry for somone who made you cry)
Yep, I'm fine
(There really isn't anything left here anymore is there?)
Im doing well here too, take care of yourself and dont work so hard
(why?)
Sure, send them my regards
(When things get out of hand, call me)
I'll catch up with you soon
(why...)
Sure, bye
(because I love you)
Good night
(I could tell, yet another thing tying me to this world, is unraveling...
----------------------------------------------------

All I wanted was to hear your non-mono-syllabic reply.

The gentle rain falls above us. Only for the people who miss each other, it will be _dramatic_

Quote of e Post:
With the precious thing broken, can we still be reunited again someday? The remaining scar won’t vanish, yet we have to go to our own separated place.

6 SIR

Insane is as far as insane goes, but I'm getting a little sick of the insanity. Just a itty bitty bit.

My new posting really balls. 3 days and I'm all ready to flip, 2 years of this nonsense and Ill really blow. An infantry life isn't one bit physically easy, I guess QX will have his prediction after all.

I have to stop here and sleep or I'm dead tomorrow.

2 more days

2 days to D day. The past week- total insanity. Equivalent trade kicks in hard, so hard I still am unable to comprehend what has transpired. Having managed to dodge a draft of despise such as this since a year back, it was an unwelcome jolt back to the old school. What differentiates us, the people with different rights to speak flippantly of how they feel. One an attention seeking monkey, the other a shell of his former mischief making ways. I never did look down upon any one of you up till the moment you turned it around on me. So thats peer appraisal, and happy memories, all down in one shot, rising in a ball of phoenix flame- waiting, screeching to rise again.

ITS NOT FAIR! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS, WITHOUT EVEN A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF- imsureicanfindawaytophraseitsoimunimplicated - BUT ITS TOO HARSH, A MAN CAN LIVE WITHOUT FOOD WATER OR EVEN THE SUNLIGHT BUT NOT RIPPED COMPLETELY, PAINFULLY, SUDDENLY OFF SOCIAL CONTACT - ithoughtivelearnt,learnthowtolivealone,withoutanyoneelse - BUT WE CANT WE CANT BREAK OUT AND AWAY IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BITES IT CLAWS GNASHES ROARS -youreamonsterunlikeanyother

Surprisingly my only brief respite came from a duty all would gladly despise. Being the 24hour guard on labor day_ without anyone else, I could breathe, and walk the corridors - without fear, without shame, without worries. Just keep walking, like it always has been before, walking one foot before the other, ignoring everything else around and moving, step by step - forward. Watching all the world go past and time flowing away. Nothing is ever that bad if you can be on your own.

And then there was the test, and the peer appraisal- burning with righteous justice and bouncing between maniacal aggressive, moral high ground and vengeful spite. All this under the rule of equivalent trade (i didn't even consider it as such) _ for an hour's conversation? I didn't value it that highly, but life did? What a fluke.

And for all the pain the trade repaid me post-postmortem, well it had its own set of disadvantages. Prize presentation wasn't much, just a terrible waste of time. It is a prize, but in other places, an "achievement" like such probably isn't anything to mention at all. It was a farce but there's one thing I can see, SRJC's stock is going up, faster than I imagined, maybe Mr Tan had the right idea. Maybe- in a few years, SRJC won't be a bottom feeder anymore. We were the ignorant ones, all this time, Looking through closed eyelids.

I got both my letters by yesterday- its no surprise which I'd choose but should I go try law at SMU? Its not like I really really want to do law- or do i? Its hard, very hard, knowing you want to talk to someone but they all just shut you out- people start drifting and you just cant seem to get a proper conversation out- hardly satisfying, hardly even worth remembering. Are you really going to pack up and leave, go far away_ for your sake, for your future_ away from the wretched Singapore you call home (do you even call Singapore home?)

I hate this narrow mindedness. I hate this rubbish. And I'd hate it even more to imagine the prospect of the future. A future where we can only tell our children things are going to get worse. A future without hope for a better age, a shimmering shade of the glorious days which we have squandered away.

The patient has shown symptoms typical of his type. He exhibits wild mood swings, a low tolerance for frustration, was self-centred with low self esteem, detached at times and had a tendency to explode quickly In addition he has rapidly degenerated mentally, becoming disoriented, disheveled, and out of touch with reality. I recommend he receive immediate and urgent professional health care before he is lost to the sane world forever. -screw you, thats just what we want to do- escape the insanity of the sane world.

Quote of e Post:
What was it that you lost?

drop dead

So many things to unload all at once. I guess its quite true, blogs aren't worth much reading. If they're rants, they're immature and self centered. If they touch on issues, then they're shallow and self centered once again. What if, a blog isn't for a public reading and for personal reflection, should it still be put on a blog, online for all eyes to discover? Perhaps not.

My endurance fails me... must... sleep... zzzz

Dont Make Me Change My Mind

Only 12 odd days (7 if you skip the weekends) until I finish my course and get posted out of SI. 5 weeks have passed so fast, I wonder what great adventure awaits me the rest of my 1 and a half years in service. The tests are boring, not that they're a total pushover, but more of a dull and tasteless brand of easy.

Life is boring. Check this out, signs of depression include loss of appetite, insomnia / excessive sleeping, loss of interest in activities that one was once interested in, disassociation / withdrawal from friends and family blah blah. Somehow this kind of tells me that practically majority of Singaporean youth are depressed! Wow, and if that begins to count for normal, then what of those who are actually diagnosed as clinically depressed?

Do we just settle for living in silence, or does our silence allow us to live the way we are?

Every step forward is fueled by 3 steps back.

You've never seemed colder.

Fall for You
The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cos talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find
-----------------------------------

Wondering when Uni posting results will come out, I really need to know if I even have a place secured at all.

Quote of e Post:
And hold onto your words
Cos talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Reminder to Self

Go watch Definitely, Maybe this weekend, I don't care how, DO IT.

And yes, you're perfectly fine, its only the army air and those (wonderfully) mind-screwy books you've been reading nightly to pass the time. Time to cut the addiction and move on, you'll find the real thing one day.

Gambatte.

So you want to turn your life around?

You wake up in the morning and everything is fuzzy, a glance at your phone reveals its a bright cheery Saturday morning but you can't remember whats going on, wait a hang in there, its coming back... Something about sleeping at 3am, playing card games and being online. Yea thats it. Stumble downstairs to turn on the computer and charge your preferred portable game platform of the day, surf the net, read up on some rulings...

Damn! You're late and still loafing around online, your flippant surfing has taken longer then expected/planned. Suddenly you realize that you have plans for today and you gotta leave, turn around quickly and rush out the door, leaving behind half the things you were supposed to bring along but its fine, since being there physically just may make up for your absence the past few times, who cares if you have everything you're supposed to have. Out the door and it begins to rain.

You leave the house and go outside but you cant seem to associate with the ease everyone else seems to have, OH GOD what's happening here? Aren't these people your friends? What's wrong with you? YOU NEED A CHANGE!

So you want to turn your life around? Quit being a loser and get on with being a normal person? You've come to to the right place, take our simple 12 step plan to getting rid of all that nasty crap that's hindering you from taking life back in reign.

1) The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Say it, yea, tell it to someone. YES, a human, someone you know face to face, someone who isn't in the same situation as you! Preferably a mentor or someone who you can confide in. It's tough but once you get that out of the way this is going to get much easier, brace yourself, its kinda awkward but we're getting there.

2) Step two, clear out your internet favorites that have to do with nerdy shit like anime, game guides and walk-through and manga. Yep, every single link. Oh and those random message boards too, they are turning your brain to mush. Yes its tough to let go of the only life you think you had but you have to.

3) Favorites cleaned out? Now step 3, Delete the stuff you've saved off those places from your computer! Well, maybe other than music and videos maybe. Pictures and games must go! As a step 3a, change your computer wallpaper to something that isn't from an animated series. It's understandable if you don't have something like that on hand, just use some synthetic thing for now.

Great! You're past the first block, just hold on a little more and we'll get through this together! Remember, if you need to, talk seriously with the person you've chosen in step 1 and weigh out the pros and cons. Once you have rationalized this out yourself you'll see this is a right choice.

Go watch a few episodes of your preferred series and laugh at some memes, you deserve it. Just one or two, don't want all that hard work to go to waste do you?

Ready? Lets continue!

4) Step 4 is gonna be a pretty big leap from steps 1 to 3 which allowed you to operate from the safe confines of your desktop. You have to go OUT yes, OUT to the people and talk to all the people you know but rarely talk to, which should amount to practically everyone you know. Just a simple hi, how you doing conversation would do. What you want to focus on is being natural and maintaining eye contact without fidgeting

5) Step five will be a step up from step 4, now that you're out- try to talk to people you know but have NEVER talked to before. Meaning people you know merely by their face and a name. Expanding your social circle is a surefire way to speed up the process of recovery from anomalies such as yours.

6) Step 6. You're almost through! Now, get a hobby, and be interested in something that does not involve any of the taboos we've all gone through before. It may be a sport or an instrument, whatever floats your boat. So long as it get you out and interacting with other normal people, soon enough you'll be just like them!

BZZZTT~ There's some technical issues clogging this tutorial up~ please hold...

7] Step 7 is the simplest. If you've done step 1 to 6, its way too late to retain your old personality and individuality. Congrats, you have just thrown away practically everything that has defined you the past dozen years of your life. If you've followed up to so far you can pick one of the following

- Find a tall building preferably higher than 10 stories
- Arm yourself with a projectile weapon with lethal discharges (ie. guns)
- Ready a sharp knife
- Prepare a bathtub full of water, any deserted ocean or lake works well too

If you picked the building, jump off it. If you picked the weapon shoot yourself in the head. If you picked the knife separate your hands from your wrists and if you picked the watery grave just dive and don't surface until you can't. Just kidding.

Walk up and down the building, or jog. Exercise does wonders for one who has spent almost all their time doing nothing but slack before a screen all year. Sure it may hurt a fair bit but once the results show it will be all worth it!

The projectile weapon is a sign to go on an adventure! Pick up some unconventional sports like shooting in this case. Who knows? You may find you have a flair in things you've never tried.

The knife simply is the sign of a chef! Pick up cooking or some other trade-craft! Learning a technical skill will not only broaden your abilities in life but it give you essential tools to embrace a new world of opportunity which you can now take on. Its a two for one deal!

The last option is to reiterate the importance of regular exercise. Swimming works great for the terribly unfit as the weightlessness will help you to feel more at ease when moving around. Remember, a healthy body breeds a healthy mind!

Congrats! You've reached the end of our minimized 12 6 step recovery program! Good Job!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Well now thats done and over, I feel damn stupid haha. Inspired by certain tutorials on uncyclopedia. People with too much free time and no fear of losing their mind ought to check it out for some lulz.

*30 mins later*

It started as a joke, but its not so funny now as it was before. I gotta go sleep before I really go mental.

On the way back home (it was like what? 12:30am?) I went past a private house with a big banner labeled "CHELS' FIESTA". First thing I noticed was not but the throngs of non-local, and I mean WHITE people hanging all around. Smoking, drinking, lying on the ROAD looking at stars (i checked, the clouds are blocking every friggin thing D: ) and just generally chilling in groups of 3 to 4 in the area. Funny how for a moment I figured even if the host were who I thought it wouldn't be, the scene would still totally fit.

Singapore really sucks for the abnormal people. Or are we just considered abnormal simply because the rest of the country are abnormal by the standards of the rest of the globe? Hmm...

im not crazy im just a little unwell i know right now you cant tell but stay a while and maybe then youll see a different side of me im not crazy im just a little impaired i know right now you dont care but soon enough youre gonna think of me and how i used to be

if we knew how i even used to be.

I CANT SLEEP. SO I'M BEING NUTTY AGAIN.

Kop'ed from someone's dA

1) Full Name: loh chang xiang

2) Male/Female: male

3) Were you named after anyone: no, its too screwed up

4) Does your name mean anything: its supposed to mean "smooth sailing", well as far as im concerned i need it- badly

5) Nick Name(s): chang er, xiang chang, lor mee (thats the junk people give me) chanx, faust

6) What do you think you look like: a paunchy (read; fat) disproportionated guy with too little hair and dorky glasses

7) Date of Birth: 14th October '88

8) Place of Birth and Current Location: Singapore on both counts, an island where too much happens on the whole and not enough of any one thing happens at any one time

9) Nationality: singaporean

10) Astrology Sign: libra (the balance)

11) Chinese Astrology: dragon (gragh, i have claws, meow)

12) Religion: christian

13) What's your favorite smell: the sea (when it does not stink), warm bread and perhaps the slight sickly sweetness of

14) Political Position: i don't really know, is it that hard to just "do right"?

15) What do you prefer to drink in the morning: water on the rocks

16) Hair+Eye color: black, plain rich luscious black (not really luscious)

17) Do you look like anyone famous: nope

18) What do you look like: your not so common stuck between nerd loser and poser

19) Any unusual talents: not that i know of

20) Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous: righty, just like majority of the world

21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other: straight, i can't imagine it any other way *shudder*

22) What do you do for a living: i study, oh wait, i studied. now? i kill if i'm ordered too for a pittance

23) What do you do for fun: surf the internet, read, watch movies, read, write (a long time ago), play card games, be random

24) What Kind of material do you like to use: the feel of steel is unparalleled

25) What kind of materials would you like to work with: like to? liquid metal- the concept is mind blowing

26) Have you met your grandparents: only on my mother's side and my other grandmother. my dad's dad died before i was even a concept

27)Boyfriend/Girlfriend: no

28) Crush: pending analysis and judgement

29) What celebrity would you date if you could: i don't know that many celebs...

31) Favorite online Guy/Girl(s) : do i have to choose? i dunno, prolly bao or wy

32) Favorite place to be: some place cool, quiet and dark. or the library. (i couldn't have said it better myself)

33) Least favorite place to be: out in the wild (read; outfield)

34) Do you burn or tan: tan, but i don't brown like others, its strange

35) Ever break a bone: not planning to -ever-

36) What is your favorite cereal:

37) Person you cry with: me, myself and i

Do You Have...

38) Any sisters: one younger sister

39) Any brothers: only in arms, none in blood

40) Any pets: nope

41) An Illness: narcolepsy, maybe.

42) Pager: what kind of ancient tech is a pager?

43) A personal phone line: not unless you count my skype one :)

44) A cell phone: yes, cant live without it

45) A visible birthmark: i dont think so but i may have some patches...

46) A pool or hot tub: pool! whee

47) A car: no, i haven't begun my quest for a driving license

Decribe Your:

48) Personality: i think im enigmatic, i don't want to hazard what others think

49) Driving: i dont have a license rmb?

50) Your clothing style: no sense of style, like zilch. serious

51) Room: pastel blues and yellow, mellow and contrastingly infuriating for the occasional fit of frustration

52) What's missing: the ability to feel, and some kind of conscience

53) School: the place im "studying" at don't really count as a school. but it sucks.

54) Bed: springy, perfect for standing on (don't ask)

55) Relationship with your parents: oh them! i think i know em from somewhere...

56) Do you believe in yourself: only when i need to

57) Do you believe in love at first sight?: i wont know till it strikes me dead

58) Consider yourself a good listener: if i choose to be, yes. (aptly phrased)

59) Have a future dream that you would like to share: i've always wanted to ride the wind, unaided

Do you:

60) Get Along with your parents: yes, we rarely see each other

61) Save your emails: those that aren't regular updates

62) Pray: yes, it does wonders

63) Believe in reincarnation: no

64) Brush your teeth twice a day: a must to start the day

65) Like to talk on the phone: depends. on my mood and who it is. and the topic. (you're stealing my answers lol)

66) Like to eat: used too, now i can't eat as much as before and it makes me feel bloated, so no

67) Like to exercise: i enjoy the freedom water gives, but i haven't swam in ages

68) Like to watch sports: no, i catch no ball

69) Sing in a car: only in my head but yes

70) What is a dream that you have all the time: i dream about dreaming and i dont know if im dreaming or not

71) Dream in Color: too many colors if u asked me

72) Do you have nightmares: yes. i dreamt that i woke up and my life didn't change one bit. then i did.

73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: no

74) Right next to you: printer, piles of magazines, phone

75) On your coffee cup: nothing, its a translucent plastic thingamagic <3

76) On your mouse pad: dont use one

77) Your favorite flavor of gum: i dont like chewing gum

78) Your brand of deodorant: adidas, its distinctively lasting without being too strong

79) Your dream honeymoon spot: im not clear actually, i do have some delusions about the beauty of space though

80) Your dream wife/husband: i'll have to dream more vividly to know

81) Hiding in your closet: nothing, i swear

82) Under your bed: too much to list

83) The name of your closest/best friend: would another faction of myself count?

84) Your bad time of day: high noon from 12 to 4pm

85) Your worst fear(s): finding out that everything i know is false, dying alone

86) What's the weather like: humid, preparing to rain tmr

87) What's your favorite time of year: the end of the year, cooling weather, short days

88) Your favorite holiday: Christmas, hands down.

89) A material weakness: notebooks, i love collecting notebooks =x

90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: i quite enjoy milo and eggs

91) The top of your "to do list": [change]

92) The hardest thing about growing up: becoming self conscious. (i had other ideas, but this topped mine)

93) A pet you want: none at the moment

94) Your scariest moment: i can't remember, i won't allow it

95) Your attitude about love: it's both an essential and a vice

96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: haven't done that actually, getting their attention would be the last time on my mind

97) The worst feeling in the world: knowing that something is going to happen / is happening and being powerless to stop it

98) The Best feeling in the world: not having to care about anything:- anything at all, not even life

99) Who sent this to you: myself

100) 6 people you tag: the first 6 people to read this (which would likely amount to nearly none)

its 3:30am, I must sleep, even if i don't want to my body demands its rest, i have to comply.

Quote of e Post:
"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness."

Who me?

Well yes I've really really been neglecting this place. The course is busy and its full of nonsense that keeps me up and busy throughout the weekends even. The theory is tough and the practical is mentally draining like nothing I've done before (perhaps similar but not like economics). Outfield sucks as per usual but I think I can't reveal any more about this than I already have. Only 3 more weeks to go, and then a few more weeks and its a happy 1/4 of my NS life gone past.

My play-list is so uplifting the rain this morning made me feel like crying. Perhaps it had something to do with the two tests back to back but thats another story to tell. Excerpts tell the complete story, the halfway point marks the entire journey.

"And everybody heres, from somewhere else
You could make a million dollars, but you might lose yourself
And you can take the heat will your heart go cold
They say acting’s just pretending, even that gets old

And there’s never any rain, when you want it
A hollow little game, and you’ve won it
Looking for a thrill but you’ve done it all

So long, put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America"

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I finally find
You and I collide"

"If you said jump! Id say how high?
If you said run! you know Id fly
Just for the chance
Just for the moment
Should the moment pass us by
And if you ask once Ill tell you twice
I'll ignore the worlds advice
If we could be together
For a while"

"I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to "

"Close your eyes, take a breath
Don't let yourself forget
You are strong
Look how far you've come
Pick yourself off the floor
You know you still got more
You are strong
Look at how far you've come"

"Use me as you will
pull my strings just for a thrill
and I know ill be okay
though my skies are turning gray"

"I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I've got my mind on something else
Sunny days, oh where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining I can't avoid the lightning"

I'm glad to have sorted out a few many things recently, well theoretically in the way of conversations but still its progress unlike any other. Still living, still breathing, still living, still breathing. Do I know what I think I am supposed to know? Who are you?

Hollywoods' not America, OCS is not SAF, radios' not music and you're not the world.
Now all I need to do is believe it.

Quote of e Post:
love is not finding someone you can live with, its finding someone you cant live without

Wasted Weekend

I had to reformat my computer today, it totally sucks since I didn't remember to back up some really irreplaceable stuff. Bleh, I'm going to sound totally whiny because I am. Ha- I can totally imagine Enoch's face now, because he got chucked into an infantry vocation along with all his pompous airs and holier than thou attitude. Yea, its so bitchy but who cares- pissed people don't have the liberty to talk trash now do they?

Signals ain't all that bad, I'm quite enjoying it no matter how much I complain to whoever, whenever. I can't remember the last time I had fun with the Rangers, it sure feels damn weird. Time is flowing backwards, its a mockery of progress- I can't see the road ahead if it looks just like the roads before.

I'm sad, and tired. Losing everything makes me sad, being unable to replace it makes me sadder. Dropping off now. Drown in sleep, lets delay our misery~



The Fray- All At Once
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Quote of e Post:
One look puts the rhythm in my head

POP lo!

Good morning Singapore, REC PRIVATE Loh is up and about haha. POP was nothing much actually- and we screwed it up mighty muchly. I'm gonna like kick someone, something is gnawing away inside and I just can't get it out~ I'm not satisfied with how the POP went, how the entire thing went. From enlisting, to having all the inter platoon discord, to all the inter coy conflict, to games day, to field camp, to sit test, everything was just so mighty ruined.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
Hey girl you know you drive me crazy
One look puts the rhythm in my head.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around
I see what's going down.

Cover up with make up in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
Every action in this world bears a consequence
If you wait around forever you will surely drown
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say you're right again,
Say you're right again,
Heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

One day she will tell you that she had enough
It's coming round again(2x)

Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend one day this worlds going to end
As your lies crumble down a new life she has found

Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend one day this worlds going to end
As your lies crumble down a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt she said
"This doesn't hurt" she said "I finally had enough."(2x)
------------------------------------

How the heck did we even present this for OC's night? Now it's stuck in my head. But I know this is how it is, you're well taken care of- I won't have to worry.

I'm gonna go out, knock back a few pints (not anything alcoholic for sure), Sing shout scream dance whatever and pretend to enjoy my free time before posting tomorrow. Its the least I can do for all the nice people who have endured all of life's shit for the past 15 weeks with me. Bottoms up, to a new life. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Quote of e Post:
so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend

Pii Oh Pii~ soon

Its tough deciding on what course to go to. Its even tougher wondering where you'll end up after posting. Scratch that, its tougher to decide on your course. Course wise I have until April first to decide but for NS with only a few more days left until POP, I wonder where we'll all go. I'm oscillating between psychology and communications and new media if and that is most likely, when I don't get into law. Which I don't think I will. Maybe business~ I have no clear idea.

Blegh, stupid rushy nonsense, I can't blog now.

I guess it figures. Money sure makes love go in horrid places.

Quote of e Post:
Money is the root of all evil

A-level Results

I'm ignoring all calls and sms-es until I've quietened down. Results are alright, lets just say that I gained where I worked and slipped where I didn't. The scale was raised but the levels were almost as I had expected. I have to give God the glory, this was very unexpected and I thought I'd do horrendously worse, something in the area of Cs and Ds for what I'm fine at and Ungraded for things I suck at (like math). And no, I'm not going to die in tomorrow's grenade throw.

As for life after this, I don't know. Its like after I got my results, I went tailspin into a psychometric rotation. Had to sit down and recompose myself for a few minutes before standing up and going around to give my congrats and appreciation to others. I got a GP A, Lit A and a very surprising History A. But I also got an Economics D which was absolutely horrifying and an E for math which was quite a relief since I thought I'd fail. So as to where I'm going- that will depend as I wait and see. Application starts tomorrow I think, I'll be reading up plenty tonight. I have to book in again, heaven knows what they're up to, shifting our grenade throw to Saturday.

Everyone is POPing next week, except for us, the obese batch, who will pop the week AFTER. One week less to party, one week more to slave. I'll blog more tomorrow.

Quote of e Post:
Money makes the world go round, but love makes sure its spent wisely

3 more weeks

I'm going to POP in 18 days time! Wow- the coming 2+ weeks will encompass the longest route march ever (24km) and our last chance to secretly murder our commanders grenade throw. After that Its rather smooth sailing to POP. Then getting posted out is another story- damn I think I'm going to end up in SISPEC >.> Suffer In Silence Plus Extra Confinement.

Seeing one of our dear, uhh beloved, uhh umm entertaining platoon mates get posted out due to OOT really strikes a chord. Keng-ing is one thing but getting really injured is another. Imagine the disappointment and sorrow that one would have to deal with if you were forced to leave due to an injury- especially so close to POP. As for people who want to keng, down PES or whatever nonsense, I don't understand and I can't comprehend why would anyone in their sane mind want to pretend to be crazy, or risk permanent injury/disability just to escape 2 years of serving the nation that has bred, raised, supported and groomed you into the excellent person you are today. Have you no pride in yourself, your nation, or for the safety and security of your loved ones? Take the chance and seize the opportunity- being a damn lowlife for 2 years will not make you popular or happy.

My uncle was an officer, my father was an artillery sergeant. Both had lived lives and done things I've never known or even realized they could do or could have done. Another cousin of mine is an officer and is studying on scholarship. I'm glad that these people around me aren't like the mass of quivering spineless degenerates who try their hardest to do their least in the army. I am proud to say my country has, and is doing its part for the nation. The escape of the JI leader recently has re-instilled that concept firmly in my mind- that we alone must protect Singapore, and that in times of uncertainty and danger such as thus, if we don't, who will.

Enough about army life, everyone just likes complaining about how army people always talk about their life in the army, but army is like a mini life- its the world shrunk into a small complex. You meet all kinds of people, and endure shit everyday, sounds like real life to me.

In a few weeks time, a new life will await me. And I'm not talking about being posted out, I'm talking about A-level results. Yes, yes, its been such a long wait, I'm sure many like me have become so sick and tired of waiting that they just aren't anxious anymore and want to get it over and done with. Listening to George talk yesterday, while we may not have been in the same vein (I've never topped anything in SRJC like he did in YJ) I'd shudder to think of how similar our paths are/were. I'd never imagined that the random guy I threw a bar of soap at years ago would ever come back and haunt me. I figured he was some adult whom I'll never see ever again, then again, at that time, no one was permanent to me. I never really registered the reality that he still exists in the same time as I and we would be in such close contact (kind of). Thing is, God made a work out of his life, clearly there was no mistakes there. Now as my turn comes closer, would I make the same "mistakes" or have I my own path to walk. My style? Or God's will?

I have to leave home soon. These 12 weeks have been a wonderful blessing. But I still can't do a single fucking pullup. Balls to IPPT.

Quote of e Post:
Peace birthed of war is the most long lasting kind

Juno <3

Ever tried watching a movie that just wont load? I'm facing that exact same problem now. Totally does not help that its 12am and I only booked out at 7pm. Its been like 10 weeks, so quickly, I can hardly believe it. With only 4 and a half weeks left on the page and there's plenty to look forward to on the schedule (plenty to look forward to as in a busy schedule that will tire you out).

Oh cut the bull, I didn't come blog so I can bitch about how tiring life is- everyone can see how tiring life is, and everyone's life is tiring to them.

the EDWJ these two months have been just a little less then miraculous. Its working as though Gos Himself wrote the entries each day, and not like some dead guy wrote it years ago. Its still alive, and it it still speaks to me- practically every night.

Juno is a nice movie. No kidding- I kinda like this kind of movie. Next on the list, [PS I love you]. Todd just does not appeal to me, slashers just don't do it. Horror is still the a genre I'll shun for good. Action is decently fine_ but movies like 300 aren't really my style either. Pure comedies which are slapstick like Epic Movie are so stupid they can't be anyone's style. So I'm left with, romantic comedies and uhh well umm romantic comedies. Haha- what can I say? Thats the way I am.

Valentine's Day was spent with both my wife and mistress, the rifle and the dummy rifle. For arms drill and BAC respectively. I'm not exactly loving life in the army, but its not killing me ya know? I could totally live with it- and learn to like it. 2 years, its a stretch but heck- I'll make it somehow.

Quotes of e Post:
I just like losing my faith in humanity

Doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream

Random thoughts

Eh- looking at the picture on Dilys's blog, there's no mistaking it, her grandparent's ashes are housed in the same place as my grandma's. Just one of the many small coincidences in life. Then again, around this area, how many Christian funeral parlors are there?

I got a new phone, my current NS phone is dying (its really old, being hardy does not exempt it from sticking to a mobile phone's designed lifespan of 5 to 7 years) My new buddy is affectionately known as a W950i- check it out:


Dark purple (almost black) and orange (yum I like that combination) with a good deal of functions- its the smart phone that isn't meant to be- perfect for that poor NSF who wants to be a road warrior- the price is drastically low for what it can do simply because it lacks a camera. One might easily think, this joker is off his rocker, becoming a spendthrift overnight simply because the lunar new year is here- well I can't argue with that point of view if you want to pursue it actually. Women splurge on pretty clothes, me? I'm a sucker for gadgets. But I can't use it now, it has to charge for a number of hours, not enough before I book in so I'll only get to use her next week.

Just went to iron my no4s to prepare for booking in tomorrow. Ever wondered, why the heck do I iron something that's going to get crumpled as hell anyway- ironing the smart 4 is logical but the long 4 too? I don't know- I just had to get my hands something to do, the empty restlessness is killing me. Purposeless, senseless hands are the most dangerous, you never know what they'll find to do next.

Edit: Damn random, I feel like eating, or at least seeing what canned bread is.

An excerpt
> so u cant come out n spend v day with the one u like.haha
- haha
- even if i could come out, i cant spend V day with the one I like =)
> why not?
- (because she does not even know how close she is to the truth)
- (because her heart is lost to me even though she cant spend it with her love either)
- because I haven't found her yet =)

Forgive me Father, I lied.

5 more weeks to POP, can hardly wait.

Quote of e Post:
ivebecometiredofwords letthedeadburythemselves

Carving Grooves

Heh. Its funny, really- life. Just like how during field camp, being there at the camp site didn't make the place seem like tekong at all. Just like how tekong does not feel like its part of Singapore at all. How can two places, exactly the same be so different. How can humans, all the same, be so divided. How can life, the same all over the planet be the same and at the same time so uneven. If only life were simpler, with our paths printed into the ground- so we'd know what to do, when and how. Then it'll be fine even if we don't understand, because at least we are certain its there.

My cousins are either in university or working. "Try out accounting" "How about economics?" "You're an arts student right?" "You have to be practical- when you grow up, you got to get a job to earn money to support yourself" Practical- dry- boring- pragmatic. I'm not even out of army yet, and I haven't even gotten my results so I don't know for sure.

I may be an idiot, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Far away from those who can handle the world well or can take risky gambles- my style, to the limit, beyond what other people think or believe- iron will, unbreakable resolve. A happy idiot is still a happy person, idiotic or not.

I'll fight you, with my way, on my path- Even though I now know I'll not go into OCS, there's training in rejection.

Quote of e Post:
Older men declare war. But it is the youth that must fight and die.

"Maybe a girlfriend will do you some good." - honestly, a honest quote

Loonar New Year

Ah gosh- I'm back. Yea, I got home pretty late yesterday. Almost a boring day, but Thank God I had plans :)

Woke up at around 11plus and slacked around at home till we left for lunch at my grandma's place at around 2pm. (Yea I know! Just how long do these adults take to prepare? sheesh) We stayed for close to 4 hours just eating and talking (they did most of the talking and eating, I? I had no idea how lunch can last 2 hours) until I had to go and meet up with Thebes Gamma. <3

Did I forget to mention I love my OG like the last 2 billion times? Pictures speak a thousand words, even though many are lost to us (contact wise) the faithful remnant are still strong as ever. Thanks Tammy for opening up her house to us, and to Shawn's father for giving me a list back- they were very nice people haha. We're crazy people :)

Pictures! Click for larger versions, dunno why its to small...


Clockwise: CK, bel, Tammy, Qy, Frog, Yong de, Shawn and I






Thumbs up!


LoL, sleeping already?

It was quite fun, who gives a damn about the money. The new year is more about reunions and catching up, much more so then money and oranges and nonsense like that. I'm going to faint soon. bb.

Quote of e Post:
Excitement, my style, to the limit of my will! Iron Will!

What am I doing online now?

Its the lunar new year- and that means the longest break since Christmas. Its wonderful being a civilian. Each year, the meaning of every holiday seems to diminish more and more- I'm not sure either. What am I doing- I have to go get ready to leave. More later. Ciao

Confusion

I can't help but be a little distressed whenever I blog. Spending all your days on a remote island south of home with a strange assortment of people does little to help your mood. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

At the age of 20, you're supposed to be an adult. You should already know enough to be a sensible person. More then enough to be a useful unit of society- to be aware of the large picture the world is and see the truth behind the truth you're fed. I don't, I can't. I'm just a skeptic, a critic. Not wise at all you see, just full of quotes and nonsense I've read. I shout at others, "You can't accept being wrong!" But yet in me I know, I'm like that all along. I can't accept being wrong but another thing, when I am in the wrong, yet I don't see it with the way I think.

You think you're always right, you question what they say. Even if its unconscious your mind is always working on how to whittle their credibility away. Even when its nothing, your brain will work as such. No one loves a maggot, who talks about other's faults so much.

Knowledge and Wisdom are not the same. Knowledge will not make you wise, but Wisdom will spur you to seek Knowledge.

I see you, and you and you. All the smart people who really are_ who live in the world they do live in and breathe the events of truth in it. I live in a world all of my own, the place I'm in isn't real at all- the flashes of gun-fire and inflating prices, all across the world. Economic downturns and riotous crowds, people dying all around. I don't register it, life is still beautiful, on this protected island we call home. In this protected enclave I created for myself, where the sun still shines and the birds still sing, where everything is clean because it should be. I don't see all the suffering that is there, all the desperation that made God care.

He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not is a fool. But, what about he who pretends that he knows but is uncertain if what he thinks he knows is what he knows is truly what is? I cannot wake up, I'm not asleep, because unlike a dream, this is my reality.

I'll never love, because I can't understand, just like I don't hate- baffled by the concept as I am. I never lie, because there is no truth to me- just like I'll never die, as I've never lived.

This isn't about how army has changed my life. Army is simple, the system is fine. Just do as you're told and know what you're doing. Watch out for one another and beware of your surroundings. This is about how I don't see how your lives are to me. How different we live, yet we're the same, you and me. I am human, mortal, I know I am. Yet, I can't feel it, the way others can.

Maybe I'm just acting deluded, to grab some sympathy.
To test how many people will believe, that I'm as confused as I make me to be.
This isn't an identity crisis, I think I know who I am.
But what is this person to do, I cannot understand.
I fear that in the army, if I am chosen to lead-
these shadows will rise above me, and wash up over my feet.
The lives of other people, resting in my hands.
I cannot bear to take command, these other lives, those men.
If I don't know what I'm doing, I'm sure to throw it wrong.
And end up with their blood on me like I've feared all along.

I know that in the army, there's two ways people change. Some will become another person, some remain the same. About me in the army, I cannot understand- what am I turning into, a crackpot or a man? They say that in the army, you learn a thing or two- about commanding respect, and respecting command too. Respecting command I cannot do because I don't concur, I only obey my orders, not because he is my superior. Respect is a strange little mystery, just like faith and hope- it has to concrete feeling, yet it's worth is always felt. Commanding respect is another, I don't think I can do_ the wills of other people, aren't things you can simply undo.

Lets forget about the army, that 2 years I must serve. And move on to life in general, about which I have observed. I don't what I am to do in life, or if that's even real. To work and live and love (perhaps) for the next generation's worth. -oh wait, lets just stop here, I have to go out now. Back to a world I don't comprehend and still I'll live it out.

Quote of e Post:
What you are we once were, what we are you will be.