Confusion

I can't help but be a little distressed whenever I blog. Spending all your days on a remote island south of home with a strange assortment of people does little to help your mood. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

At the age of 20, you're supposed to be an adult. You should already know enough to be a sensible person. More then enough to be a useful unit of society- to be aware of the large picture the world is and see the truth behind the truth you're fed. I don't, I can't. I'm just a skeptic, a critic. Not wise at all you see, just full of quotes and nonsense I've read. I shout at others, "You can't accept being wrong!" But yet in me I know, I'm like that all along. I can't accept being wrong but another thing, when I am in the wrong, yet I don't see it with the way I think.

You think you're always right, you question what they say. Even if its unconscious your mind is always working on how to whittle their credibility away. Even when its nothing, your brain will work as such. No one loves a maggot, who talks about other's faults so much.

Knowledge and Wisdom are not the same. Knowledge will not make you wise, but Wisdom will spur you to seek Knowledge.

I see you, and you and you. All the smart people who really are_ who live in the world they do live in and breathe the events of truth in it. I live in a world all of my own, the place I'm in isn't real at all- the flashes of gun-fire and inflating prices, all across the world. Economic downturns and riotous crowds, people dying all around. I don't register it, life is still beautiful, on this protected island we call home. In this protected enclave I created for myself, where the sun still shines and the birds still sing, where everything is clean because it should be. I don't see all the suffering that is there, all the desperation that made God care.

He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not is a fool. But, what about he who pretends that he knows but is uncertain if what he thinks he knows is what he knows is truly what is? I cannot wake up, I'm not asleep, because unlike a dream, this is my reality.

I'll never love, because I can't understand, just like I don't hate- baffled by the concept as I am. I never lie, because there is no truth to me- just like I'll never die, as I've never lived.

This isn't about how army has changed my life. Army is simple, the system is fine. Just do as you're told and know what you're doing. Watch out for one another and beware of your surroundings. This is about how I don't see how your lives are to me. How different we live, yet we're the same, you and me. I am human, mortal, I know I am. Yet, I can't feel it, the way others can.

Maybe I'm just acting deluded, to grab some sympathy.
To test how many people will believe, that I'm as confused as I make me to be.
This isn't an identity crisis, I think I know who I am.
But what is this person to do, I cannot understand.
I fear that in the army, if I am chosen to lead-
these shadows will rise above me, and wash up over my feet.
The lives of other people, resting in my hands.
I cannot bear to take command, these other lives, those men.
If I don't know what I'm doing, I'm sure to throw it wrong.
And end up with their blood on me like I've feared all along.

I know that in the army, there's two ways people change. Some will become another person, some remain the same. About me in the army, I cannot understand- what am I turning into, a crackpot or a man? They say that in the army, you learn a thing or two- about commanding respect, and respecting command too. Respecting command I cannot do because I don't concur, I only obey my orders, not because he is my superior. Respect is a strange little mystery, just like faith and hope- it has to concrete feeling, yet it's worth is always felt. Commanding respect is another, I don't think I can do_ the wills of other people, aren't things you can simply undo.

Lets forget about the army, that 2 years I must serve. And move on to life in general, about which I have observed. I don't what I am to do in life, or if that's even real. To work and live and love (perhaps) for the next generation's worth. -oh wait, lets just stop here, I have to go out now. Back to a world I don't comprehend and still I'll live it out.

Quote of e Post:
What you are we once were, what we are you will be.