2 more days

2 days to D day. The past week- total insanity. Equivalent trade kicks in hard, so hard I still am unable to comprehend what has transpired. Having managed to dodge a draft of despise such as this since a year back, it was an unwelcome jolt back to the old school. What differentiates us, the people with different rights to speak flippantly of how they feel. One an attention seeking monkey, the other a shell of his former mischief making ways. I never did look down upon any one of you up till the moment you turned it around on me. So thats peer appraisal, and happy memories, all down in one shot, rising in a ball of phoenix flame- waiting, screeching to rise again.

ITS NOT FAIR! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS, WITHOUT EVEN A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF- imsureicanfindawaytophraseitsoimunimplicated - BUT ITS TOO HARSH, A MAN CAN LIVE WITHOUT FOOD WATER OR EVEN THE SUNLIGHT BUT NOT RIPPED COMPLETELY, PAINFULLY, SUDDENLY OFF SOCIAL CONTACT - ithoughtivelearnt,learnthowtolivealone,withoutanyoneelse - BUT WE CANT WE CANT BREAK OUT AND AWAY IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BITES IT CLAWS GNASHES ROARS -youreamonsterunlikeanyother

Surprisingly my only brief respite came from a duty all would gladly despise. Being the 24hour guard on labor day_ without anyone else, I could breathe, and walk the corridors - without fear, without shame, without worries. Just keep walking, like it always has been before, walking one foot before the other, ignoring everything else around and moving, step by step - forward. Watching all the world go past and time flowing away. Nothing is ever that bad if you can be on your own.

And then there was the test, and the peer appraisal- burning with righteous justice and bouncing between maniacal aggressive, moral high ground and vengeful spite. All this under the rule of equivalent trade (i didn't even consider it as such) _ for an hour's conversation? I didn't value it that highly, but life did? What a fluke.

And for all the pain the trade repaid me post-postmortem, well it had its own set of disadvantages. Prize presentation wasn't much, just a terrible waste of time. It is a prize, but in other places, an "achievement" like such probably isn't anything to mention at all. It was a farce but there's one thing I can see, SRJC's stock is going up, faster than I imagined, maybe Mr Tan had the right idea. Maybe- in a few years, SRJC won't be a bottom feeder anymore. We were the ignorant ones, all this time, Looking through closed eyelids.

I got both my letters by yesterday- its no surprise which I'd choose but should I go try law at SMU? Its not like I really really want to do law- or do i? Its hard, very hard, knowing you want to talk to someone but they all just shut you out- people start drifting and you just cant seem to get a proper conversation out- hardly satisfying, hardly even worth remembering. Are you really going to pack up and leave, go far away_ for your sake, for your future_ away from the wretched Singapore you call home (do you even call Singapore home?)

I hate this narrow mindedness. I hate this rubbish. And I'd hate it even more to imagine the prospect of the future. A future where we can only tell our children things are going to get worse. A future without hope for a better age, a shimmering shade of the glorious days which we have squandered away.

The patient has shown symptoms typical of his type. He exhibits wild mood swings, a low tolerance for frustration, was self-centred with low self esteem, detached at times and had a tendency to explode quickly In addition he has rapidly degenerated mentally, becoming disoriented, disheveled, and out of touch with reality. I recommend he receive immediate and urgent professional health care before he is lost to the sane world forever. -screw you, thats just what we want to do- escape the insanity of the sane world.

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What was it that you lost?