Goodbye again

Had the most wonderful weekend. A huge snowball of Seoul garden, cell, the wedding, catching up with Edina, lack of sleep and the most ice cream I've eaten in months over a single weekend. Haha, catching the last bus and getting "stranded" with Joshua on the way to send Edina off was a walk of faith. I don't think I'd have ever done anything as risky as that for almost anyone else.

Here I am waiting
Abide in me I pray
Here I am longing
For You
Hide me in Your love
Bring me to my knees
May I know Jesus
More and more

Come live in me
All my life
Take over
Come breathe in me
I will rise
On eagle's wings

Never forget.

ORD this weekend. Like all things in life, once you're there the hype just starts to die off.

Quote of the Post:
Psalm 23:4 (New International Version)

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Hungy for You

Here in my heart
There's a longing for more
A desire to go
Deeper than I've been before

And it's not about the way
You can make me feel
And it's not about anything
That You can do
I just have this insatiable desire

I'm hungry for You
I'm hungry for You
I need Your touch
I seek Your face
I need Your presence

Today at mission trip prayer meeting Ivana talked about not just wanting, but to hunger- to be desperate for God. That sharp pain of desperation I can understand, so intense one can physically feel it hurt and make you gasp for breath. More to work on.

Can't believe I'm being so dragged down by money woes, money! Of all the things in life! Stupid money, oh wait come back-~! Dang :(

Elsewhere:
I say believe it my love. And to be honest my dear, I wouldn't have it any other way

Quote of e Post:
NSF today. ORD tomorrow.

Happiness

Happiness- The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
_________________________

One of my favourites aside from "Where the story ends".

TvTropes <3

I need a proper occupation...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Assault armor

Ahh, the pitfalls of being able to post instantaneously. Now I am quite ashamed but I won't take anything back- consider it training. One can never retract what one has said. And along the same vein, written- or done. Now and again I am quite sorry for some of the things I've done- not that being sorry about it changes things but at the very least it does remind me not to try doing them again. Which brings me to a problem, is it then far better to just shut up and not take risks- an approach which I have applied thus far and have led to no good result. The only thing I can continue to do is keep taking risks- at least life will be interesting that way.

I can't talk about work but I'm just glad it is mostly all over. And I gained much from my time there. Now I'm not sure if I can get used to life as per usual.

Zone camp is tomorrow! I need to pack T_T

Quote of e Post:
You, knight, who hoists such fabricated righteousness... take the cold flames of sorrow upon your form.

Happy Birthday to me

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to...
Me *weeps*

I don't need anything that anyone could give. There is nothing that money can buy. Just another day, nothing is different, im at work even. So tell me why it breaks me up inside. I'm still coming to terms with the fact my teenage life has past me by- it ended when I turned 20. It's been one year, and in my heart and soul I know that I'm still in stasis. My time has ceased flowing since it all began. All the anomalies have twisted, fusing this and that until nothing is clear any longer- when did the blight begin, when did the nomalcy even end?

I fall on my knees
- Lord I know there MUST be more

Is this the frustration Solomon felt? Vanity, vanity, all is mere vanity. That all the world has to offer is so worthless, so futile, that there is no value in all that we build in life save for relationships, with other people, with God. Not even wisdom, or skill. Not triumph nor discovery- not happiness or pleasure. Nothing. And on that front I am poorer then poor. Is it over- the inertia of my lifestyle up till now pulling me along into the pit I can see but cannot avoid.

What then is hope but to start anew. Go somewhere where no one knows who I am, forge a new identity from scratch and never let those two worlds collide. But I lack the courage to cut all ties with everyone I know and become a nobody once more.

Truly now we can say: I have nothing

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Complaintation

This original post was much more elaborate but orders now say we cannot say anything about operati- work.

Worst birthday ever much? New rules, new system- which is so much trouble. Fair enough they higher hq has left us be for the longest time but this... This is just absurd in comparison to what we used to do! It's like the circus suddenly gave up performing and decided to go into the say- carpentry business. It makes no sense. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

At least no one knows it was my birthday. Only 2 hours to go before this oh so momentous day is over. I'm just apathetic now. Yea, having expectations does this to you when it falls flat on it's nose.

Money makes so much go round... I can't satisfy the things you want but maybe I can put an end to that string of wrecks you've left behind. The thing I fear the most would be becoming one of those left in your wake- I'm sure you know. Maybe you're already used to it, because you know you are just that lovable and attractive.

I want...

I have nothing. Throw it away, I just want to be free tonight. Answers that I'll never find don't mean a thing tonight.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Zetta loving it

Goodness, it has been raining almost everyday now and it's only October! I can barely imagine what December will be like- rampant flooding? Torrential downpours? Though it is fact that it rains on Christmas every year I don't ever remembering any more than a passing shower. Christmas is just one more thing to look forward to.

Last week of deployment for the win! May it turn out (haha, turn out) pleasant. Then zone camp, which is interrupted by battalion family day followed by combat shoot tentatively the Monday after zone camp. Acct in november and that should wrap this all up for ord in December :3 There is so much to look forward to in december. I should really be getting to writing that letter to Edina...

I totally wasted today- just felt so sleepy. I guess there are some dreams that must be had. I would like to call it synchronization but let's reign that line of thought in for a while.

I hid the day I saw you last
At the bottom of my memories


- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

May tomorrow be wonderful too

This is torture and I am DYING. STOP MAKING ME WANT YOU ANY MORE THEN I ALREADY DO. You are the cruelest, cutest, most coveted cherub ever. Alliterate that, angel of words.

Tinkering

I'm pretty excited now ^_^ somehow it is simply far easier to think when I'm not sitting before a computer or paper. It has been ages since I've written anything creative wise, which really sucks. I find all skills are like muscles; lack of use will result in them withering away eventually leading to anthropy.

Today, I was leaving camp when in began to pour. In response I went and donned my goretex jacket, hood And all to book out. It's the closest ive ever been to wearing a trench coat and it felt really cool having the coat tails trailing behind me. MLIA.

Today when I was leaving camp it began to pour but by the time the car reached Bishan the sky was clear. Only upon reaching home did the dark clouds begin to catch on. I felt like I had outrun the rain and beat the system. MLIA.

So far so good- Lin Sivvi (Which is what I kinda named my newest lovely pal here. FYI, she is a rebel hero) is exceeding expectations. It is no iPhone but I think we'll get along just fine.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Tell me why its so hard to forg-

86 MORE DAYS Which is less then three months! Once again, OPs ends end Oct and then blam only November left! I'm so psyched! "Whatever lies beyond this morning, is a little later on. Regardless of warnings the future dosen't scare me at all. Nothing's like before"



[a little too not over you]
It never crossed my mind at all
That's what i tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It's for the best, i know it is
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Memories
Supposed to fade
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn't think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe i regret
Everything i said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now i'm on my own
How i let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And i really don't know what to do

I'm just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

GRAGGH The result of having to watch Singapore Idol when you are sleep deprived on guard duty is that a song (whatever it is) just gets stuck and w o n t leave! Along with a party of others (think 12 songs, but not all twelve stick) Either way, not having control over the television leads one to watch what is popular. Now I just follow it lol. Top 13 already, just see it through to the end. Pity, Mae just dont seem to have the supporters she needs. I know she aint a looker but hey- that voice! Plus, in a "real talent in singing" contest I think it would be WISE to at least let the votes come in AFTER the singing is done.

Went to the COMEX on the opening day, oh boy- I can't believe how many people there were? I mean it is a THURSDAY AFTERNOON- not even friday. Don't these people have to work? So I jostled, got screamed at, screamed at people, lost my water bottle, picked up a bunch of flyers, met Eden's girlfriend, bought my stuff, went to disturb Ling and then watched the rest wat dinner. I _SO_ want an itouch T__T (scratch the iphone)

I'm hyped that I managed to get all my reading done :) Less PSP (Since Disgaea 2 does not work boohoo) more reading! Booyakaka! (I <3 Selphie)

Alright I have to like go pack my bag for the next few days.

And after watcing a whole bunch of HIMYM I found one iron clad rule: NEVER invite ex-es to your wedding

Quote of e Post:
Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda

TPD day 4

It is day 4. Day 4 out of 40 of TPD (Its actually THE purpose driven life, not A purpose driven life- my bad) Still no extravagantly large revelations, day 1 and 3 were awesome insights by the way.

I am taking so long to finish reading these books because MHFU keeps me busy in camp =/ not so much time to go read. Grr I got my xlink adaptor but I cant get the thing to work. Long story, ill tell it another time- gotta run.

APD Day 1

Today is day 1. Upon recommendation I have decided to start reading A Purpose Driven Life (Im calling it APD) 40 days, and a big number of changes (I hope)

I have to go book in again tonight. I'm just so tired of this nonsense T_T

Fate beckons

House isn't exactly the best watching material before bedtime. Its s little disturbing and sometimes just a little too bizzare, Still it is fun- but definitely not light watching. I must have missed A L O T- heck I dont recognise the people in season 5 anymore >.< And who is Amber?

National day is just like any other day to me. I can’t get into the patriotic mood, must be all that getting used to slamming the government or the military. Being in the army, no just being- is strange. I might stop reading blogs. Because it is too confusing.

I don’t understand. Do we al live in such completely different worlds which somehow seem to overlap temporarily once a week- so much so that all rules and logic of each world differs from the other. Reading the things we write, letting our personal magical touch leak out on an entry begs more questions then answers. It does not make sense to me. Who are you, and where is the person that I’ve been with for so long? Am I in a virtual room of complete strangers? Where is that person I’ve been looking for all this time?

It has been some time since Round up but I didn't talk about what I went through during the camp proper save for the activities. The one and only real take away I got was a single word- "express". Now at CGT I got another phrase/word or more like an idea: atrophy. If we don't exercise something, it dies- we need to take action. Faith, prayer, trust, love are all like muscles, without practice they die. Put those two together and I have to learn not only to identify and express (appropriately) what I feel when I feel it as well as having to take action and exercise those long dormant muscles before they completely die.

The theme for CGT was while we are serving, let us not be so taken up with all that we’ve done and forget about fellowship (with God). After all, God made us not merely to do His work, but first of all to worship Him and fellow ship with Him (ref-> garden of Eden)

Edit: Service today was something like confirmation on the take action part. Even though it was more of a buff up service leading up towards grabbing our friends for Youth Anniversary (which I am somehow not so optimistic about- heck I’m rarely optimistic about stuff)

I don't think I am yet dead to love. It would totally suck to realise that I have- and I don’t want to wait till the time comes for me to find out.



Shelter – Corrine May
What's wrong, what’s getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red

I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you

'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at tour door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins

I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when

So promise me you'll
Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let my be your shelter my friend


What do I want? To be by your side during hard times, gently surrounding you like air. Essential but un noticed. And while I don’t hope that you die in my absence, I pray that it’ll make you uncomfortable enough to realise I’m not there. And maybe make me uncomfortable enough to never want to leave your side.

Quote of e Post:
I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way

At that start of CGT

Haha, even though there is no wifi at the resort (pathetic M'sia!) I still have wordpad :)

ORD function last night was quite retarded. The food wasn't half bad but I made up for it in portion what quality failed (thanks to some very picky eaters and my skills at carving flesh from a fish) I got quite the bang for my buck at $60. Now to wait the 4 months to reap the final reward of this long toil. I want to do so many things after ORD before school starts:

I think I'll like work, since I totally need that money. I want to learn to drive- and play the guitar. I wouldn't mind really starting to get back to my roots too- writing and photography. And play off some games that have been gathering dust on my shelves- time to finish FFX, FFX2 and FFXII. Only then I will have some feel to start on Revenant Wings.

Oh yea I get to go for CGT after all! :3 A million thanks to Brien, we owe you. Like the most awesome BSO since Dennis (that says something HSC) But I need to return back to deployment after la. Nevermind, MHFU is there to accompany me haha. Even if I have to do till Thursday (and like stay over shift) at least like Thye Chuan is accompanying me haha. I want to chiong to HR6 lei but- duo tigrex lei!

Enough about more uh depressing things: CGT beckons :D The ride up and stopover was just insanity. Mmmmm- meowing song + "comes from India" + Stonegrill + Ryan Seacrest + loverly beef wrapped up in a smoking sweet nap after towards the resort. The place looks quite regal (pics will come when they come). Pool and prayer meeting with homemade supper with <3 I'm so glad everyone arrived safely.

CGT, overshot night sleeping time, laptop on my lap, after a bath lepak on the sofa: this-is-bliss. I'm more awake then I've felt all day. The place is more comfortable then I envisioned. And once again I think I am over-prepared.

I read this somewhere- writing is a lonely affair. Its a mixture, ragtag of experiences. You come together and share experiences, gain material and then you depart to be alone with your thoughts, putting it into words into story and song. Retreating to a place where no one- not friend nor spouse has any room to enter: the place where you form from words the craft that is your own. Thus goes the cycle of a writer; together-alone-together-alone. And when your work is done and you put your work to print- after all the congrats, pictures and interviews its back to being alone. To crack your next master piece. Writers are in the end- ultimately: a l o n e a l w a y s

Chances are life does not always turn out the way you want it to be, the things you want and the things you get rarely overlap. Hence, some may say they shall learn to be content with what they have- giving up on the things they truly want. Even the most hard headed fall prey to this line of thought at times... it is just too logical, too undertandable. Regardless, I say we stand and fight fate or whatever it is. You, you whoever you are. Lets keep believing together that the time will come and never back down.

Somone who knows would say of the above: THAT is LOVE

Quote of e Post:
Everything has a story to tell: write it down, file it away.

Clearing up

ZOMG lol I took my sister's "How well do you know me" quiz on facebook and only got 40% right lol (she only got 42% right on mine but whatever) Strangely amusing but also a little sobering.

Its my off day- and Im clearing up my room. Finally. It really is a terrible mess- I haven't met ANYONE whose room is messier and dustier then mine >.< Every time I try to clear up I unearth all these- things. Relics of an ancient time. Of a better time- and the more you clear the more you realise that time buried here has passed and is gone. Christmas cards, old gifts, memorabilia, letters, books, newspaper clippings, brochures, scraps of paper with "invaluable" tidbits written on them. All these things amalgamated constitute my memories. Years of existance living within this room sedimented in layers of dust, papers and books.

*hours later* (good thing i typed this on wordpad. Kept dc-ing today)

Whew. Alot neater- now I can see most of the floor! Threw away plenty of things, things ill prolly never reacquire ever again but its ok. Their value will live on as memories in my mind. (until I forget that is then it wont even matter)

Deployment is in full swing so I've taken to playing Monster Hunter haha- a time consuming, grind heavy game that is well suited for multiplayer. Perfect for times when you need to burn alot of time, live in closely packed surroundings and have very little to do in the way of entertainment. It is pure madness I tell you, m a d n e s s. Gunner is so hum ji but X3 pew pew!

Have-to-run-tomorrow (sianded)

Quote of e post:
It takes a woman 20 years to turn her boy into a man and another woman 20seconds to turn him into a fool.

Want to go SO MUCH!

Deployment is going to start again. But this time it is a RETARDED deployment. I don't want to go since it would mean missing- you guessed it- yet ANOTHER CGT! That is like EVERY SINGLE CGT since ever! D: I WANNA GO!!

With the new movie out the harry potter hype is running amok again all around. But to me, the magic is gibberish. Magic ought to be fluid, a force or energy which can be shaped and given property depending on the user's desired outcome. Not hanging on the pronunciation of some nonsensical words. That at least is how I would envision magic should it exist. IRL, the real magic in life is in words. Bits of letters coming together to create new meaning and birth life in sentences- growing more vivid and powerful in paragraphs. Almost everything can be reduced or magnified in words.

My PSP is becoming more and more essential in camp haha. All the nifty firmware out there is helping out alot :3 Now if only my X button and analogue weren't dying on me I'd be more then happy with the device (then again, a PSP3000 wouldn't hurt in the least bit :P I like the yellow one, if there is a red one I want it!)

The one good thing about being a NSF? The decent cash flow. Thinking of applying for a debit card. But I know that once that door of internet shopping is open it is a tough temptation to defy! Should I or should I not? I'm going to go totally flat broke by the end of the year at this rate T__T how to save money when it gets spent unconsciously on legitimate concerns! I haven't even gone into the luxury part of spending money yet! T_T A little here to transport, a little there to meals on weekends, chip in a bit for some cause here, toss out a little for nights out there and *POOF* like magic. Almost all gone. Like a flare.

Paula wrote at length about not waiting for the one but preparing for the chosen one. Having the excuse of waiting for the one is just too convenient I must agree- and then if so, how would you know? Still putting the ball back in our court by saying - "choose" and stick with it to make it work. That is a tall order. Like that Maroon 5 song says- "its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along". Making it work, heck- and who ever said just the starting was hard?

I didn't go for the SRJC gala thing thing, nor did I go for a whole lot of 21st birthday parties. There just isn't the time to go through such things at length. When there is time, the situations are all wrong. When there isn't time- or when there are events, things just pop up and I can't make it. Yet after the past few experiences I wonder. Would I have lost anything at all by not being there? Is it alright to have a small close knit (alright, fine not exactly close knit just regularly meeting) bunch of friends. I wouldn't say we're close and I don't really feel the time spent was invested (no returns) so someone tell me- which is the right path to take? God forbid I go for everything or nothing at all.

I took off- and as it turned out no one was free. Major bummer. Tomorrow is a relatively free day- so I'm not to annoyed. Just can't forget how much I like Chuck Palahniuk. His books are abit coarse but woooo loverly. Next, Iva Levin of Stepford Wives fame. (yes that movie) Delicious.

Quote of e Post:
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. (That is why I read)

Two Party Dichotomy

Congrats to Rong Sheng for becoming the newly appointed Outpost Commander of Singapore Royal Rangers Outpost #1! Wheeee- it is a great honor to know you as a friend and as a fellow Ranger. I believe God's call on your life will send echoes and ripples impacting the lives of many others in this new role.

I just taught my FIRST lesson to my ARs ^_^ They sure are capable and decisive once they get down to it. I can vaguely begin to see how this can turn out to be a rewarding enterprise. CRR was fun :) Sadly I didn't have the presence of mind to be snapping pictures and Dilys had to leave early so the only imprint we have left of the event would be those caught through our eyes and seared to our brains - muddled by our own individual discrepancies and bias.

Last night I went for a total of two BBQ parties. They were so starkly different and painfully contrasting that I couldn't help but stop and think about how my life would have turned out- on two different ends of the spectrum.

One was RR thanksgiving for Round Up, all the ERs naturally were invited as well :) It was wholesome (somewhat) and incredibly fun. We ate, fellowshipped, worked and played together as a singular unit. The outpost. We cooked for one another and we ate together. We cleared up as a collective and we got a ride home even from people who lived out of the way- by then it was already 10.45pm. After a quick change I left and set out for SA's birthday party at his house- never for once thinking about the consequences and situations I would be faced with.

The first thing I was struck by from arrival to departure was the heavy stench of cigarette smoke in the air. I think within that 3 hours or so there I have inhaled more then my week's or even two week's worth of second hand smoke. Only going through those open gates and passing a few half-hearted greetings to old acquaintances did the severity of my displacement begin to emerge. Save for the host who, I have somehow managed to stay in contact with I have had precious little to say and share with the rest. I neither smoke, nor drank and the pounding noise that passed for music was pleasantly out of discernible range inside the house. I happily settled outside on the porch with the BBQ pit- resisting offers of food with a vengeance.

As more and more unfamiliar faces left and more familiar but relatively unknown faces popped up I felt drawn into a circle of conversation. Revolving conveniently around army, clubbing (which I have no experience of), girls and flings (of whom the names and descriptions are beyond me), drinks (which I have no interest in) and the old times. Needless to say I was a quiet observer much of the time there_ joining in only on topics where I would have any say at all.

Nearing 2 I was settled and reluctant to move. Inertia had taken its toll and me and I was comfortable sitting in that circle watching events go by until someone started rounds of drinks. The colorful bottles and intoxicating smells evaded me was I watched them mix, pour and gulp down shot glass after glass. Initially they somewhat respected my choice (It is with some small pride that they did say: what do you expect? He is Chang Xiang_ he does not drink) but as the night dragged on and inhibitions fell clouded by the smoke I did not realize that all our inhibitions had begun to slip. I was this close to a shot glass full of some transparent fluid (which by mere virtue of smell made me nauseous- it was that close to my face) when I decided it was time to take a stand and leave. No one, nobody in the world could challenge me to do something I had resolved not to. Not even old friends, for their face- not even on their 21st birthday. I had to leave.

Walking home (it was well past 2, no more public transport) I felt humbled by the experience. It must have been the prompting and courage of the Holy Spirit that I took the step of Faith. I may have spoilt some people's fun and I may have seemed unsporting. And I do sincerely apologize but there are lines in life we must not cross. I took a stand and I am proud of it.

One party, full of life and laughter, with people around who care and love one another. The other also full of laughter, but hollow, fueled by drunkenness and debauchery (out of sight at least) and of unsatisfied lives chasing the next mambo, the next shot glass, that next number, that next fling, full of people but devoid of humanity, one can easily feel very alone in a flood of familiar but equally lost faces. I felt like I have been put through a lot within a span of a day. I've seen what a life could become without Godly guidance and the simple pull of social norms. And I now pray that the righteous stand firm and maintain the standards of God who is the same yesterday, today and forever. As the old conservative generation passes for the new younger generation- I pray that the status quo is maintained, that the values which many have fought hard and long to protect will not fall to the docile, scheming enemy under the misused flag of freedom.

I know it is a ridiculous time but I can't get to sleep without getting this off my chest and my head. Blessed be the Lord our shield and strong tower.

Quote of e Post:
Heaven and earth will fade
But His word will still remain

Jumper by Third Eye Blind

Song. Word.

I would understand.

Or will I?

From behind the white tape

I have to give thanks to my bunk mate for lending me his itouch so I can like surf the web with greater ease. The psp browser really cmi.

We are at the height of the quarantine here and everyone can tell the mood is like bleagh- the fact that it is a saturday morning does little to help the fact that were stuck in here. Yes I know I ought to be thankful that at least I'm well and its not like were dying in here but still not being able to leave I'd a unique kind of pain... Ok there I go again, lamenting the state of our confinement. Its just so, people do miss the outside world beyond the barbed wire fence and white taped signs. At least going on fb n such helps slot.

I was just flipping through a stack of notes on fb and some blog posts when life struck me. All these people along with all their pain, joy and sorrow- this is the fruit of youth of the heart that loves and the life that flows our beyond the person it inhabits. And a line from a song kept ringing through my head: who ever wants to look back ok their youth and wonder where those years have gone. And I do see that I am such a piece. When did my story end if ever the tale of my youth did begin? Why does my memory hold so many lines of self forged sorrow? Who is this man before me I see in the mirror, face of ashen gray and eyes of pale loss? This cant be me, how could this be. I'm 21 this year! At such an age, where did my path divide along the way? Was it that fateful friend i made? Or that very first card i drew? Perhaps it was the powerful anonimity the Internet gave. Or the rush one gets from picking a fight.

One thing I confess, now, I cannot cry. Even of one I love ought to die, yea I'll feel the sadness but my face won't bend. Its been too long since it began. Rarely there are tears of rage or a few moving songs but it is altogether different to son and weep. Is that true feeling? Is that what it is to be human, what then have I become? Long ago I may have foolishly sought such emptiness, to be hollow and unaffected. It was strength I guess, but now O Lord I see my wrong. These people around me, teach me to be more like them. I am not wise and mature, I'm foolish and wretched, being super practical because that's the only way I know how.

Maybe ive tried to have another side of me. Maybe it didn't work out so well but all i know is actually. I dont know, there is just much of growing up I haven't experienced. Its not exactly living a lie, and life still goes on nevertheless but this is a line that must be breached. A bridge I have to cross. Without feeling like a phony, just a walking mass of imitation and pretense. Everyone is on the road to finding theor real me. SoME, just have a longer way to go.

Someone look me in the eye and tell me who I am, and that I'm not going, or already crazy.

Quote of e post:
was it you who spoke the words that
things would happen but not to me
all things are gonna happen naturally?

Back from 9th RU

Back from Round Up! It was alot of fun :) And we all learnt that we could do things some of us previously thought would be difficult. And I got to know some people alot better :D Pictures will have to come later- and as per usual it should be on Facebook.

Goodbye Edina! Hope to see you soon :3

Why do I always only find the incentive to write when I'm just about to leave for camp?! D:

Quote of e Post:
Fear brings stubborness, skepticism, selfishness and short sighted.

Round Up 09

Round up in a few hours! I'm not that hyped but still- its a camp haha. May God grant me the strength, skill and courage to lead these kids. Its going to be a testing and interesting 3 days. Another day, another story.

I'll post more again when I return! :D

Quote of e Post:
And my own two hands will comfort you
Say when

Enough for now

It is good to be back! The trip was just a little short of wonderful (eat my R&R! grrr) but its still all fine and dandy. I can't share anything about the training part but all I can say is that I do believe the experience has equipped the participants with skills that we otherwise wouldn't have expected ourselves to have.

Enough about the nasty bits on to the fun part! Even though it was only one day R&R was MADNESS! SPARTA! MADNESS! Haha, feeling very blessed. First we headed to this huge theme park that housed both rides and a small zoo- the rides were split amongst five sections ie themes; one western, one arabic, one aztec and so on (We didn't have time to go to ALL okay). So whats so special? I GOT PSYCHOED TO RIDE! OH MY GOODNESS AHHH IM DYING FALLING AHHHH. Yes! If you know me I don't do uhh heights >.< so I just screamed myself hoarse up on some of those monstrosities (devices of pure human ingenuity and maliciousness I reckon) flipping, turning, swerving, twisting and falling. Thank God fo his divine protection upon my tiny life! I can handle being shot at but this? No thank you. Pictures!

Staring in wide eyed wonder- exactly HOW HIGH IS THAT?! Q.Q


The crazy vertical drop ride, I vehemently declined and even evoked the fifth


Deceptive little ride, more scary then it looks T___T

One half (okay, one quarter of the part that sticks out of the ground) of the wackiest ride on the park, the "Screaming Condor". Its a huge U shape with twists, rolls and drops. Not for the faint of heart. Or the sane.

I have a ton more pics but this isnt the place to put em :D

Back to reality, totally insanity. Did I already mention I love the new They Fray album? And I'm itching for an ipod of my own :3

Will post more again some other time- I have some zombies to burn now :D

Quote of e Post:
Breathing comes in pairs, except for twice
One begins and one's goodbye

It ain't easy to say goodbye

Haven't really come to terms with the idea that I'm leaving home to go to a foreign country for what must be the longest time ever in my short life. The second longest time was at least with family, this time it will be only full of strangers. And it won't be a holiday thats for sure. Ah, I don't know >.< Just not comfortable with the whole idea. I don't know if I'll sleep at all tonight. I have to get up and go to the airport quite early tomorrow.

Having some of the stupidest of problems. Namely like not being able to find a suitable carry on bag =/ Forget it, I think i'll just bring along my OPs bag as my civilliang bag. Its just so much more... comfortable. Not to mention convenient (since it is really quite spacious) but there will an increased propensity for me to bring uhh useless things.

Crap, I left the magnetic scrabble set in camp D: And I didn't have time to take the GBC games from Sylvia :( Oh well I didn't bring enough batteries to power the gbc throughout the trip anyway. I think I'll just bring a stack of books and be done with it. Maybe I'll finally finish some of them.

I'm boucing back and forth between emo-ing and getting worked up / excited over the trip. So it depends on which time of the day you asked me with regards to the answer you would recieve. All in all part of me hopes the entire affair will conclude itself asap, on the other hand another part of me wants to really feel and live the experience.

I really have to sleep >.> 5 hours left.

Quote of e Post:
And if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime

Follow Up

Perhaps one is unable to recognize a feeling for what it is. The signs the mind chooses to recognize and the signals the body sends can at time run contrary. Maybe there was some grounds for worry, thinly veiled and reinterpreted by the ever vigilant mind.

Still- isn't it quite natural? That there are people you just feel comfortable with- and it is natural to be compelled... To want to be close to them, protect them from harm. To make them laugh, and watch them smile. To see that glint in their eyes and hear their light laughter. To stand with them against the treacherous world and comfort them under trial. To hold their hand through cold frosty nights and fan each other under sweltering heat. To share sweet draughts under tinted skies and sing away the dank moonlight.
To steal secret moments of crackling bliss amidst little slivers of silence bound grief. To bolster one another amidst adversity and share each others pain.

Perhaps just maybe it happens once, twice, three times, too many times, too often. And so you say- after all these time, really: what do I know?

Honestly I thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.

-

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

-

Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

-

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

-

Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
.
But suffice it to say
We're leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

All old stuff, but still I like The Fray >.< They haven't released an album you can buy in stores (the rest can be bought online) since 2003 and they grew popular on the back of two songs- How to Save a Life and Cable Car. But early this year they released a self titled album =/ (strange choice, self titled after so long?) I'm acquiring it now. Hope they don't disappoint me! Seems like many members have changed, please tell me they have retained the old style.

This weekend was super ultra busy! Even though we booked out early on Friday the briefing took more out of me then expected. RT in the morning then Rangers (I'm glad I went early) followed by discipleship class which was fun haha, the time flew by faster then I expected it to. Note to self, don't buy fries from the coffee shop haha.

Sunday was equally a blur but thankfully I manged to assemble everything I needed (I think) Service these days are all about going Back to Basics- I think God is really trying to tell this generation something. God never changes, He has never changed from the OT to the NT to now, yet there are less miracles, there is less "power"_ the only factor that has changed is us. I want to know what went wrong and where it fell so. Our lack of faith is disturbing.

The details of our trip are supposed to be secret so I can't tell it all (yea right) but suffice to say it will be testing, it will be tiring and it will be a new experience. Pray hard that I return in one piece.

Sometimes people ask me, why I "burn" all my Saturday and Sundays when I could be out doing "normal things" like watching movies, shopping and playing games. That we shouldn't be too into "religion" and "church things"- not that it is bad but devoting all weekends and even spending leave and off to pursue these- it is madness to them.

But I know one thing, and I am reminded by this quote by a missionary that "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." And likewise with money and all other resources I have once read- if we consider all our life, time and money God given: then it no longer becomes a sacrifice on our part- instead tithing is our way of thanking God for letting us use the other 90% of His money! What a shift in thinking! Why do I use two days of my week to pursue God? Because I have "squandered" the other five days and I see it only fit that I offer Him what is due.

Tell me who- wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone? - I hope You Dance [Lee Ann Womack]

I am under-utilizing my new camera D:

Lord, point me who.

Quote of e Post:
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

Small little fears

Only being able to update ONCE a week is super annoying... Because by the time I come round to it the impact is lost- because I forget haha.

Less then two weeks left to ROC and still no news! Are they planning to leave us hanging and go "SURPRISE! Lets go now!" D: Its totally ridiculous. This is a BIG event, there has got to be some measure of preparation and such. Still have only a sketchy idea what we're going to do over there... the unknown makes things scarier then it actually is (or isn't).

Outfield tomorrow D: Operation Rising Spartan- Hope this means I still have nights out on Tuesday... or more accurately. I hope this means I dont still have guard duty on tuesday. If I come back from outfield and still need to do guard duty I'm going to flip! There just aren't enough people in C4 even with SP5 in because of all the chaokeng and Pes C people. Haiz, more work to go around, less people to do it! Aren't the juniors supposed to be helping lighten our workload?? D:

SIX MORE MONTHS- I can't help but wait

Last night was creepy. Frighteningly enough I didn't really consider such possibility... you're like the cool little sister my uhh not so cool little sister isn't turning out to be. And I hope I'm like the brother your brother sadly somehow- isn't how you and your parents imagined him to be. Its that simple, hand in glove. What does it mean to "back off"? =/

The Click Five - Mary Jane
I didn't cry the day you moved away
I didn't think that I could feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you

Whatever happened to our innocence
And the somethin' that you said about being friends
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
That nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

I need to wake up from this state of mind
This situation is a staying kind
I gotta get your memory out of my head

Would you catch me if I had to fall
Would you even find the time for that at all
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
That nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

Cause time has taken back
Everything I thought we had
Tell me how (Mary Jane)
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
Nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

Oh whatever happened to Mary Jane
-----------------------------------

Quote of e Post:
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Dare not speak

But cinnamon rolls won't hug you back, and they go to pieces if you cry on them.

What can I do?

ROC approaches as NTC wanes

OH MY GOSH TIME TRAVELS IN A BLINK! It passes kind of fast, but not fast enough =/

NTC is over. It was a wonderful experience :) Not alot more to say. I miss going to training camps (actually just camps, period- round up and kelong here i COME!)

But while NTC ends it signals the entry of May. And the entry of May brings with it the introduction of ROC!! Going to Taiwan at the end of the month (28th I think) means that I ahve barely 3 weeks left before I go off to a foreign land for half a month T___T My apprehension was the same as the apprehension I had towards NTC. But now after the camp- I have learnt to take things in my stride. I can't be as bad as I think it is- well naturally it would not end as quickly as NTC and the staff would be no where as near as supportive and caring. But still I belive God can bring me through this too. If there was one thing NTC helped me with it would be to grapple with the upcoming ROC.

That means I ahve to go pack. Again. Time to hit beach road and stock up on heavy duty ziplock bags.

I wanted to watch X-men Origins: Wolverine! D: Its kinda petty to keep going back to this but meh. No fun watching movies alone right?

Time to go back in again, strike days off a calender. 5 days to go to the next weekend. 3 more weeks to ROC.

Quote of Post:
Kopi O! Someone KO!
Coca Cola 7 up!

NTC incoming

NTC is tomorrow!! I really ought to sleep but I'm so up to my neck in packing and repacking that I really can't even take a nap. How to fit all that stuff into one bag?? D:

Excited and scared. Fun :D

Going off to sleep now- lol nth much else to say

Quote of e Post:
Does that mean I have to walk on water?

My Life Would Suck Without You

Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you've said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let you go
Oh yeah-

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
-----------------------------------------------

Couldn't help re-posting :3 Its so stuck on me. Stupid commercial xD But a commercial that gets stuck is a good commercial so kudos. MUCH EFFORT~ LITTLE EFFORT!

Normally if I complain that I have no time to read the books I borrow from the library chances are I found something more engaging to do with my time and thus I haven't spent any time reading >.< (read- gaming or watching shows) So I really can't blame the NLB, 3 weeks is really long a time. If I had nothing else to distract me I could plow through 4 books (depending on what they're about) anytime from 2 days to a week (or if I really wanna read it, I can go through 2 books that are in series in a day, tiring but so fun)

So yea, kick me and tell me to get a move on! I have 4 books that I'm lugging around but not reading thanks to Disgaea x_x but but its soooo fun, ok fine not fun fun but fun as in there is so much to be done that you get real kick out of accomplishing any small part of it.

Just came back from mentoring lesson, did a DISC profiling (again?!) but in church context. Cos I was doing with a more Rangers mindset it turned out to be a ISCD result, which is very different from my usual outside SCID result. I dunno, maybe in a general church / youth / cell context `I"" may not come out tops. As to getting a mentee, whats a guy got to do to get a break around here?

Just bumming around in a boring room. Our ORD function is merged with the sept batch so like it will be in August. Stupid thing? AFTER the function we have a great 4 more months left so why can't we just follow the alpha bravo people who also ord in december? So extra- zzzz

Dropping off now, argh, eyes in pain! Ankle in pain! Nuuuu

Quote of e Post:
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go

Meet you at the statue in an hour

With the week ended my feet gave a faint cry of relief. This entire week has been nothing but panting and looking at the floor while running. Running in vest slack. Running in PT kit. Running in sbo attire. Running up slope. Running down slope. Running in the morning. Running in the noon. Running in the night. Nothing but running and this culture does not seem to be waning any time soon. My legs are killing me and my right ankle is in pain- but neither hurt as much as the idea that it will be the same the next week, and the next. And the next.

The Ranger's Kampung games days was super fun. I'm super proud of all the ERs for what the have accomplished today, it was your show and you made it a sellout. Great job everyone!

After rangers the uh commanders went for dinner, its was a more somber affair as compared to an outing with the "kids". Nevertheless it was a learning experience picking up tidbits along the way. Plus I managed to return all my books and borrow a book I was looking forward to- 5 minutes before closing time at the library. And maybe my love went past on a bicycle. I couldn't tell, she was like the wind, there yet not there- whispering sweet nothings and nothing at all into my ear. A faint, teasing trickle. Perhaps my eyes did me wrong, I cannot be sure - what I did see and what I did hear.

Crap. I miss you.

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and Well he May.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he’s praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

Quote of e Post:
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend

Watashi ga Taosenai

Service today was wonderful. I don't know if it was the powerful movement during worship, the ministry time after worship or the atmosphere of the sermon itself but things felt different- good different, real. It was beautifully timely with regards to the little outbursts I had yesterday- but it also invited more questions then it provided answers. {superrandomup}Suddenly macross, do you remember love?{superrandomover} Hmmm, a full 5 day week in camp ahead and this long awaited weekend seems to be less then spectacular- at least less then I had envisioned it in my mind's eye. The feel/mood just isn't there after going back to camp. Its like your mind literally changes completely rewired. And I owe the NLB books again.

Sometimes I feel this and sometimes I feel that, sometimes I don't know what I feel sometimes I'm not even sure if what I feel is what I am feeling or just what I think it feels like but at times like this I feel that I feel way too little. The flow of ideas should be familiar, I've done it about a bajizillion times before. Do you mean what you say, do you feel it as truth all the time? Is everything you portray true to who you are? Then again, how does one know who one is- do you have any idea who you are? To yourself, to others.

I am iron man, too sturdy already. Can't fall sick and can't get injured even if I want to (read want to, not try too) so while everyone is getting status and dropping out left and right I am left to be a good, long suffering soldier. I really am beginning to hate this, but with God's help hanging on is all I can do.

Relapsing back into the emo kind of mood again. going back to camp brings this sort of change the rain helps the load but does nothing for the mood. I want to run away-

All of a sudden I don't want to go to ROC :( Send someone else instead!

Quote of e Post:
Why does it always rain on me

Explodet

Seems like the facebook era of notes is over and the era of quizzes is upon us! Quizzes about everything from what nationality you "really" are to stupid things like when will you die or what mythical animal are you. It is all in good fun of coure but the sheer number of poorly created quizzes will get to you. Eventually.

Dinner out was wonderful, even if a whole bunch of people were missing. If only I had remembered to draw money before going off I'd really have gotten a good meal out of it! What a pity T_T THESE DAYS SHOULD NEVER END!! Six hundred and twenty four thousand one hundred and two pizzas for one xD

I don't want to complain but the prospect of a full week in camp really does nothing at all for my optimism. Just being in there is stifling, somehow choking in ways I can't explain.

The weekend is really too short since Im totally full up on activities- come back saturday morning and 3 hours later Im off to GE where I'll probably be till night and if we throw dinner into the mix thats my day up till 10pm or so. That is Saturday. Sunday starts off in the afternoon at 12pm (but I usually wake up in the late morning, plus there is nothing going on in the earlier morning that we can get to on SUNDAY) and I am fully booked until 6pm. Book in is at 10pm. Now does one see how I like have no time to do misc stuff like browse the library, watch movies, hang out and the like? Its not like I'm complaining but the weekend really flies by too quickly to be of any substance. And I am beginning to grow tired of having no breaks back to back.

I WANT TO GET AWAY!!!!!!!!

Try to take leave for Jun 18 to 20th for Round Up, hopefully it will serve me very well :) But like all things, try la- try. Since I have no idea when ROC is going to end and if the allow me to go on camp (practically overseas leave) while on "off".

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to explode. Gragghhh, I don't know what I feel anymore.

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night

I can't tell, maybe...

baby all i need is time

Quote of e Post:
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you

Back in Black

THIS IS A COMPLAINT POST D: so skidaddle if you're looking for some proper content haha

You know the saying that is never rains but pours? I'm getting very well acquainted with the concept by virtue of being back in camp, and its been only two days! First up, our juniors are here but somehow guard duty is still partially our responsibility! Wow! To make things better I originally was not slated to do any duty last night but a bunk mate hurt his foot (actually its an old injury flareup, which to be honest I find very convenient - did I mention he isn't doing RT tomorrow either?)

So anyway, from no duty and a good night's sleep to guard duty with a bossy BOS. Tio kan by the BOS for talking on duty, its not like I'm not looking for neglecting my job, I'm just talking to the gate IC, who is also doing his job. (The CCTV guy had no excuse, he was outside the room all the screens were in haha) Other than that and a very uptight evening (The BOS decided to sleep over at the guard house) good thing we managed to maneuver our way out of doing staff parade and miraculously evaded no less then 3 turnouts! All by being on duty.

Thank God OC wasn't in camp the past few days due to the Army safety and innovation day (which is a total farce if only you knew the "brilliant" ideas the award winners had) which left us relatively free from pain and terror.

Oh crap I ahve to go back now, more tomorrow! Yay Rangers!

Little House

Work is done! Deployment is OVER!! Going back to Maju on Wednesday :3 Can't wait for the coming weekend so I can see everyone again!

It has been half a year since I produced anything, until this morning (or yesterday if you want to be picky about it) Perhaps it was the rain, perhaps it was the 4 cups of coffee swimming in my system, perhaps it was the soft ticking of someone's clock in the pitch dark room, perhaps it was the music on my player. I don't know, but it wasn't pleasant- which in a way was precisely what I wanted.

Waha, I got tagged by Alicia to do this :P So I will! Now all I need is for this to pop up on facebook too and I can just do my best copypasta :)

1:Besides your lips,where is your favorite spot to get kissed?
-Back of the neck :3

2:How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
-(You meant this evening) Hopeful

3:Who was the last person you took a photo with?
-All the Rangers :D Too many to name

4:Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
-Sometimes it dawns upon me that I'm too blessed but then at times, nah- I am

5:Would you ever donate blood?
-I would if they found a way to do it without needles >.<

6:Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
-Yep

7:Do you want someone dead?
-Used to, but then you soon find there are things worse then death in life

8:What does your last text message says? (from me or to me?)
-"... its ok de, time is not a problem for me"

9:What are you thinking of right now?
-What to do tomorrow hmmm

10:Do you wish someone was with you right now?
-Right now? Like as compared to every single moment? Who does not?

11:What time did you get to sleep last night?
-(Once again, you mean this morning) An unholy 11am

12:Where did you buy the t-shirt you are wearing now?
-Didn't buy it, it was given from 2008 WCG Asian Championships Singapore Finals :D (disclaimer: I was NOT a participant-)

13:Is someone on your mind right now?
-Yeah...

14:Who was the last person who texted you?
-Rongsheng

15:10 people to do this quiz
1) Cheryl
2) Paula
3) Norman
4) Qian Xiang
5) Dilys
6) Jonathan
7) Joel
8) Anna
9) Wai Keat
10) Baoyi


16:Who is 2 having a relationship with?
-Shawn! At least I think it is spelled like that haha

17:Is 3 a male or female?
-Male

18:If 7 and 9 can together,is that a good or bad thing?
-Very very very bad haha

19:What is number 1 studying now?
-Rushing homework, or so she says ;)

20:Is number 4 single?
-I suppose so, wouldn't be surprised even if he weren't

21:Say something about number 5
-None, read - not a single one of us will forget you even if you leave for years

22:What do you think about number 3 and 6 being together?
-Super Bad, why are all my pairings homo? =/

23:Describe number 1
-The cutest, period.

24:What will you do if number 6 and 7 fight?
-Watch the fun and maybe join in to stop 7 from stomping 6 flat haha

25:Do you like number 8?
-Yes :D She's smacking brilliant!
___________________________________________________________________________

There done! haha, if you read it you MUST do it, or I will flooooooood your FB wall with nonsense (you can start with [Airman will not die] xD)

Okay, will update again shortly: grr my SATA 160gb HDD is dead D:

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Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about

Okkusenman

My Memories are 110 Million
I’ve done this when I was a kid
It’s a faded memory
A red and white cap on my head
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

When I was a kid, a fond memory
When I eat curry and stuff
Silver spoons on my eyes
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(In the forgotten photo album)
I can’t go back to those times
(Photos of myself doing stupid things)
Anymore
(Laughing with friends)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Where are those guys now?
What are? they doing?
The answer is still unclear
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The courage you gave me is
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Dramatic

We’ve done this when we were kids
Wearing the 3D glasses
That came with magazines
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Memories we’ve forgotten as we grew up
Revives vividly
Making an L with our arms
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(Opening the aged diary)
I can’t go back to those times
(On the faded pages)
Anymore
(The name of my first crush)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Now I just look back to those times
I was able to laugh innocently
Unaware of inpure things
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The scenery I’ve overlooked was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Graffiti
The courage you gave me was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that? have passed were
Dramatic
_______________________________________________

I guess most people won't care to look too much past the screechy singing (which I feel adds the raw emotion needed for the song anyway) and strange theme (ultraman right, who actually watches that, huehuehuehue BR >.>) but the lyrics do mean something that strikes a rare chord_ I cannot but weep. The idea was nostalgia, fair enough. Poor guy in the video, at least he managed to remember and enjoy the past before it was too late.

How is it when one is young as a child, anything was possible (the idea is widely propagated to the children by every grown up as a form of encouragement anyway) but as one grew you'd learn there were very specific social slots one would have to fall into and the people you once chased dreams with fell along the wayside into paths of their own choosing or wherever life dragged them. As the script of ones life continues unfolding soon you'll find yourself thankful for doing the same and it is hard to shake out of the monotony and ask: What happened to those times long ago, not so much the silly things you did as kids but the ambitions and energy. The excitement of life and courage to dream granted by those dreams - all suppressed, downplayed impracticality. I don't want to live like that.

Deployment is all over, I'm going back to Maju next week probably for good (till ORD if OC SD has his way with the deployment). A good thing would be now I will be able to go for Rangers every week (yay!) The bad thing? No more cell ever... and I won't have any internet connection throughout the week save for Saturday afternoon till Sunday night- during which I will be busy outside anyway.

Hmm, I've already submitted my admission to NUS (again) for this year and maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty. Although it IS true that there isn't many other options open right now it would have helped to give the entire thing some thought. Maybe economics isn't as inaccessible as I had imagined- maybe I will find something to love in the multilayered mess that business seems to be. Maybe there is some merit in another course I hadn't considered or even in another university where it would be easier to get a course of my choice (maybe) despite it having less prestige. I don't know, I can't look into the future and I cannot turn back the clock either.

Stress is bad on the heart, best not stress oneself up too much. Any more heart wrenching / gut twisting and my insides will all go out of funk (if they already aren't) [ RANDOM ] Hmm, even though the translated title goes under My Memories are (worth) 110 Million the song itself only makes reference to the number 110 billion- a disturbing lack of consistency. Need at proper moontalk speaker to figure out of okkusenman is 110 million or 110 billion [ RANDOM ]

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The courage you gave me is
110 billion! 110 billion!

MISSING NOTICE

Haha, sure is good to be back and type a post in real time :3

I got some rather disturbing news concerning the state of my deployment (actually all our deployment) but I am not at liberty to reveal anything. Crap_ if the news is true it would be totally unfun. But for now everything is cool, all the television you can watch (when you're not doing anything), irregular work hours, no direct superiors above you, free flow iced water (squeee!!) and almost free flow coffee (drool). Haha, deployment is like heaven and in camp is hell on the "relax" scale.

I haven't written anything new in a long time. It just isn't coming you know- I guess it was true then...

Artists paint, we are artists too, but we paint in words.

Pain, love, tragedy, hate, longing - such are our drugs, our catalyst to set in motion a great work

Long term overuse results in many symptoms including but not limited to mental instability, loss of touch with reality, disillusionment, acute awareness, confusion, emotional fluctuation, substance abuse, split personalities, irregular sleep patterns, waking nightmares, living dreams, fitful sleep, inexplicable cravings and impulses, withdrawal from societal norms and in some cases death (as a by product, not the final work)

People exhibiting such symptoms should seek help without delay wherever they can find anyone they can trust who is willing to listen and sift through mountains of rabble.

This is a public service announcement. Thank you.

Also:

MISSING

Have you see this girl?

[Picture removed for anonymity]

Was last seen between the lines of sanity and madness, dreams and reality. Has not been seen or heard of physically since. She has delicious black eyes and has naturally black hair with cherry pink lips. Was last seen wearing her heart on her sleeve and clothed in moonlight.

Frequently haunts places with caffeine, dreams and each waking moment.

Call 9248-37-63 (wait-fr-me)

Reward: Eternal gratitude

Merely Earth

Sunday morning. CET starts today if I remember correctly, and I was looking forward to it too (well, alright- just to see what my class is about haha, I don't even remember what class I'm in) A-level results were just out and while I'm not up to date with how many people did (who am I kidding, I know no one save one) as I suspected it was a small step up from last year's results give or take a little as the tutors have got a better grip on what the SEAB is looking for.

Even though the trailer is barely airing in Singapore I've just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. Based on the novels of the same title- it really is a movie that sits snugly in the romantic comedy category (more comedy then romantic though) and by that virtue alone it sits high on my list. The plot is simple and while predictable, provides a watcher with no prior knowledge of the story a decent entertainment experience. I give it a respectable 3.5 out of 5 - if watching alone. But add company up to a bunch of friends and I will give this 4 out of 5 :) Good stuff to laugh and bond over.

You can own the earth and still
All you own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

It has always been a powerful song but there is an impact that I haven't felt till recently. You can own the earth and still ALL YOU OWN is earth. You can have everything, but until it means something, all you have is just that - it has a cost but no worth, no value. Cost and worth are very different things. And that line (the cost and worth quote, is from Confessions by the way) really struck a chord with me. Something may cost you everything, but what is it worth? And there are things whose worth outweighs all else, which will cost you dearly - not materially but it will demand of your life - and in that way, cost you nothing but that much which is allocated to it. Like Cordelia says to Lear, she loves her as much as her duty dictates, no more no less- which is in quantity far more then her sisters whose fanciful compliments to "love their father all" count for. Limited and defined but still true and of immeasurable depth.

Why is it difficult to share one's true feelings? What makes it so much harder for introverts and people who have to think through each move? I find that it is fearfully frightening to shift the balance of power. By handing the truth over to the other party, the power to make or break is in their hands and to us, such a risk carries the potential for a devastating response. A rejection is hard to swallow but what I feel is scarier is the possibility that the other party actually agrees, what then? What can one do based upon a feeling or ideal, what can one substantiate a relationship upon beyond the bindings of awkward unfamiliarity. A feeling can be strong but beyond a feeling that will fade as quickly as it overcame you what then. Will it live and flourish upon the gnarly soil of uncertainty? That is the hurdle, that is the limitation which cannot be easily overcome.

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Tripping over myself
I'm going nowhere

Your Call

And im tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

I am so tired of being all alone. Is it such a crime, to feel affection for more then one person? To want to build a connection that is more than casual with the people you know, not just a few but a whole range? To really get close and intimate with who they are behind closed doors, without all the masks, personas, suits and titles. Think what you will, but really? All I want to do is talk and in return to hear and understand what their souls are saying, not their lips.

In the moonlight, your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds I suppose
And you hair flows like the ocean breeze
Not a million fights could make me hate you
You're invincible yea its true
Its in your eyes that I find peace

I remember when I first heard about you. We were on bikes, cycling along the coast and I heard him talking about how you two sat under the moonlight on that rock. It was probably at that time, when an image of who you were began forming in my minds eye. When you materialised in the flesh it would feel as the song said: "I knew I loved you before I met you, I must have dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." I remember, telling someone (or no one) after getting to know you a little, that you were the person I had dreamt of being, brought to life as another before my very eyes - it was a living miracle. Irresistable, your very existance calling to me like no one else did. Never before did I feel the need to have and hold, to keep safe and protect, to know and understand any one single person. The intensity is unparallelled.

I don't mind writing this- I don't even care what is public or private anymore. I am the only one who would bother enough, who would even consider to look through archives, to read more then is written, to read what is written but encoded in plain sight, to encode what I want to but dare not say into harmlessness. No one would care to even know it is there, to suspect something is amiss. I'm making more then one post out of this session and I know no one reads more then the latest one. So I don't care, I'm writing it here. I am besotted with you Chelmin Lim, I have been ever since I've known you and I'll do more then anything to find you again.

If anyone actually reads this (or if by some cruel trick google picks up the use of a proper noun structure in a name search and comes upon this post) rest assured I do feel slightly (very) apprehensive to posting "sensitive" content for all the world on the internet but what choice do I have. It will tear its way out of my chest sooner or later and keeping it in is killing me. I will keep doing my best to be someone you can be proud of. I may not be your intellectual or emotional equal but that is what mystifies me and enraptures my heart. I'd take that chance.

If one gets here on raw endurance having tried to read everything on the page then by golly, would I ever like to meet someone who expresses such a great interest in my life and ramblings. Such people always leave a deep impression and are not easily forgotten_ which is also why I want to take a great interest in the lives of as many people as I'd care to- to leave that deep impression upon their lives.

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On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Everybody Lies

I've been having some food cravings the past few days, for pizza (their 2 for 1 advertisements are really quite effective) and thai food (more precisely thai express's soft shell crab curry set- i blame it wholly on the delicious wallpaper of all us ERs on the desktop). The long awaited day of booking out has finally arrived! The three days shifts have always been received with dread because it always seems to drag on and last far longer. The three day shifts under the new shift system are even worse because it only precedes a dreary weekend spent within these walls. How horrid!

Its annoying how there is not a wireless connection anywhere nearby to leech on within the KINS, granted it IS rather remote but even in camp we are surrounded by schools left and right and there is a faint (but unusable) signal to be picked up on but here? Nothing! Not a drop! The worst part? I actually heard that there IS a wireless connection to leech nearby - witnessed by previously deployed people but I can't find it. Grrr.

Having precious little to do (alright, I have books to read but I am particularly lazy to do anything that resembles study or work) I actually stumbled upon the folder where I tucked all the little farewell gifts I gave to my classmates when we graduated from SR a little over one year ago. How hard I tried to craft something from the little I knew of these people who spent nearly two years me! I must admit that other then hanging out with Jerrold and Victor there was pitifully little interaction with the rest of the class :/ It is a little late to regret it now but joining this and the little conversations I had with Jonathan on the bus it does seem schooling is rather pleasant. I'm sure its just the "grass-is-greeener-on-the-other-side"syndrome acting up again. Even though I know my grades were pulled purely on the grace of God, maybe if I had actually worked more on it I wouldn't have tanked so hard on Econs... Even God has to have something to work with to multiply into a miracle haha.

Sometimes don't you feel like a prisoner trapped within this world? Within the well defined shores of our island home, within the controlled chaos of the world and its dying rules and infrastructure. If even America can fall, the rest of the world won't be long after. Its a restless egging that says softly but relentlessly - there must be more. It is at times such as these that the old verse comes to mind- This world is not my home, I'm just a passer by. In the world but not of the world.

Darn, it is only nearly 9am and before I've gotten round to being sleepy the false knocks of "hunger" aka mouth itchy are rousing. Boo, now I'll have a hard time falling asleep haha. I'm just soooo lazy xD

Based purely on experience I can concur that the Rachel Ray show outstrips the Martha Steward morning show by far when it comes to being entertaining, The Rachel Ray show is nearly on par with Ellen DeGeneres but her raspy voice and lack of guests make her show quite lacking in comparison, but I do so enjoy her tips on decorating on a budget and her today's dinner segment, ever tantalizing. Night time television past 12 also extends itself to dramas like Desperate Housewives (mon), Greys Anatomy (tues), Nip//Tuck (not my kind of show but the Bravo coy medic loves it) and my favorite; House (Only once a week on fridays, how unfair is that? But Friday also has Survivor *squeal*) The point of this passage? That there is so little to do at night we are resolved to milk the television of all entertainment value haha. Sad but true.

I like House. He is cool- if being cool means one is a "misanthrope", a "cynic" and a "curmudgeon" haha_ no wonder I think I'm becoming kind of like him haha. A cynic, a misanthrope (which means someone who distrusts or views humanity with disdain) and a curmudgeon (an ill tempered person full of stoic old ideas and opinions)- heck! I'm even becoming lame like he is (i mean he has to walk with a cane cos his left leg is crippled but you get the lame bit) haha. Todays title is a tribute to him haha its his "trade mark phrase"": Everybody lies

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Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
The world you must have crossed

Mad Houses

Why are there two posts today? Well, today Bravo left and Foxtrot took over and the handing over process is a long and noisy affair which ahs no boundaries. From 8am to 1pm I was repeatedly interrupted from any semblance of rest by the unearthly racket of discontent human traffic and the shifting of stores in and out of the compound. The walls of this room are thin enough to let one hear anyone in the room next door singing, offering very little protection against noise, much less the kind made by unprofessional movers. Once I fell asleep at around 1.15pm (the abrupt end to the sms trail on my phone told me as much) I had put a decent but insufficient 5 hours of rest behind me to awaken at 6, in time to resume my usual ritual and duties.

I was flipping through my phone (what is left of whatever is inside it anyway- since the internal memory is inaccessible) and I found an old note with an interesting quote:

Mad houses are large and only too numerous; yet surely it is strange they are not larger, when we think of how many helpless wretches must throw their brains against this hopeless persistence of the orderly outward world, as compared with the storm and tempest, the riot and confusion within: -when we remember how many minds must tremble upon the narrow boundary between reason and unreason, mad today and sane to-morrow, mad yesterday and sane to-day. (Lady Audley's Secret, May Elizabeth Braddon)

While the source has been unverified it is safe to say this little marvel of the human ingenuity does indeed strike a chord of truth. Where does the line between a great thinker and a raving lunatic end? I have never believed that insanity is a medical problem that can be treated simply with medication. When the mindis involved it is no longer merely treating an ailing tissue or organ, there is intelligence beneath that which one cannot hope to retain while altering the chemical make up of its physical form.

The mind and the heart have been clearly separated when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions but when one considers that the heart is merely a large muscle that never stop pumping, shunting old blood one side and shooing fresh blood another- it seems wholly foolish to blame any feelings on this poor overestimated organ of ours. Modernity has found the source to be the unassuming grey matter in our skulls, the weak, flimsy lump that accounts for so much more then we would have guessed. Do we then live within the confines of our mind, truly living within that place since its content is the only difference we share with one another?

Alright enough prattling, I have a bad stomachache (I don't think lunch agreed with me) and I have to change, last shift! I'm so looking forward to going back home <3

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You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises

Desperate People

One of the great yet small comforts of the world (in my humble opinion) is being able to sit somewhere silently, with pleasant music of your choice with a book; and in that peacfulness just allow yourself to be absorbed into what you're reading. To not merely see and process the words but to understand and grasp the feelings and intent behind each sentence and paragraph. That is why I enjoy reading the "life story" of people, not exactly autobiographies but as a story, revealing the persons life as you read on. Well written it will seem as though you have aged and lived with that person, actually being there when each individual influential moment of their life unfolded and watching them grow into the person they eventually became and died as.

People these days grow up faster- some even argue that children grow up too fast. But what exactly does one mean by "growing up"? Is it the exposure to more mature themes and ideas that usually are associated with adults? The acquirement of a range of emotions and understanding that comes with the wisdom and experience of age? The ability to understand and handle more responsiblity and tasks simultaneously? Teens are as adequately equipped as any adult to face any task just as well or even better. Mature themes and ideas are not merely avaliable but thrown in the faces of the young, bombarding them as they grow up through the media and society around them. Experience and the maturity it proffers is the only thing that still can't be replaced by any guide book or tutorial. Seeing how the peope of the past differ from the people of today- sure we may be far more efficient and comfortable but it on the whole happiness and productivity have fallen. Perhaps it is better to grow living through things rather then plucking it out of the drama unfolding around us.

The common cry of the young of our generation (pardon this old man) the newer generations is heard from every spectrum of the economic and social spectrum- IM BORED! SO SIAN! Even at a tender age of ten to fifteen, these newts barely acquainted with the world behave with a disdain that comes from a man at his deathbed, one who has spent all their life chasing every conceivable pleasure of the world and having lived it all discovers that all is mere foolishness. What is the meaning of this? I believe that even though they have yet to live through life in their physical time, they have lived far too long via proxy. They may have never experienced falling in love, losing a family member, getting married, giving birth to their first child etc etc but they have already seen, heard and felt it all through the world around them, via proxy. Too normal, too simple, too mundane - too boring. Life just isnt living enough anymore with nothing new in it. "Oh I've already read about that 20 years ago, its no big deal". Bringing me back to the point - life is more worth living if we grow up actually living it rather then only "experiencing it".

Tried to say goodbye and I choked
Tried to walk away and I stumbled
Though I try to hide it its clear
My world crumbles when You are not near
You're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes its You i see
You're everything I know that makes me believe
Im not alone
When I look at the stars
I see someone else

Its not surprising to see that many secular songs are just as adept as being praise as any other (once we change the subject in question)

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And Im tired - of being all alone
And these solitary moments make me want to come back home

I have Control

Normally one would be unable to type anything ie blog in the KINS since everything you type out there on the computers are encrypted, even notepad files - so I cant even type out ny thoughts there and bring it home on my ext hdd. But now with a laptop its so simple and intuitive. Just type it out on the laptop and upload it when I have access to the internet anytime in the future.

I want to really thank Jonathan for giving ne this opportunity, it really can only be God's plan and timing, Not only did He meet my need but God also used it as a way to meet someone else's need! Im only sorry that Dilys couldn't get her pink netbook replacement (or it'd be a triple deal, I know how frustrating it is to have an incomplete "collection") That just goes to show how amazing our God is. Im still not used to typing on a laptop keypad but i believe i will get used to it very soon. As long as I keep practicing it will soon come to me, the biggest difference I feel now is the lack of a home and end key, this layout has its own dedicated delete key so I have no complaints there.

Sure a laptop isnt powerful enough to play games properly ie- L4D but like Jon said, its made for WORK, and work is what I plan to do with it :3 A computer for dedicated surfing, chatting, watching videos and typing does not need to be powerful- heck it can even be rather weak and still work out perfectly fine.

Life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I really dont give alot of thought to BGR (Not surprisingly considering the past miserable track record I have if one would even call that a track record) but hearing Jonathan talk about marriage and saving money along with the fact we're really not that far apart age wise (I am living in a very complex denial system, my age to me is my real age give and take minus 2 or 3 years, so imo now Im only a very decent 17 or 18- not 21) is rather jarring. Shocking but true.

我等的人她在多元的未来？
我排着队拿着爱的跑马牌-

This person, Lord, am I to seek her our will our paths cross eventually? Is she out there asking the same questions- hoping her destined one will fall into her lap along the passage of time? Is it true that one can't help but wait_ even "golden couples" break and up and go their seperate ways; the punishment for taking fate into your own hands? Or the result of trying to fit round pegs into square holes?

Its not like I'm beginning to feel desperate or anything like that. Its just that suddenly life seems super short- I'm already 21, and our life expectancy is around 60 to 70 so one can already consider their life one-third over! Isn't that horrifying? Does it put you on your toes, feeling like your days are numbered to do what you've been put on earth to do? To accomplish everything you want to? Its sobering isn't it?

Even though the setting is highly distruptive- I do not regret taking up the calling to serve in AR simple because there is this huge need there that I see can and should be filled. These boys are growing up, they are gaining a sense of self-awareness that has to be properly appreciated to reach the person within, beyond the outburst of noise and energy outside. And to have God introduced to them as soon as possible, to let God have this tight hold on their lives before the self begins to grow too strong and the cloud of doubts and rationalization settle down to steal them away from their roots. Royal Rangers exist not only to reach and teach boys and girls, but also to keep them within the folds of christian fellowship. At the end of the day I can see now that it isn't so much what you do as what you impart to the person. I dare say if not for Rangers my life would be very different now, and i believe not for the better.

Teach me to worship You
Teach me to adore You
I want to love You, with my whole being

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One can only live with dignity, you can't die with dignity - death is always ugly