From behind the white tape

I have to give thanks to my bunk mate for lending me his itouch so I can like surf the web with greater ease. The psp browser really cmi.

We are at the height of the quarantine here and everyone can tell the mood is like bleagh- the fact that it is a saturday morning does little to help the fact that were stuck in here. Yes I know I ought to be thankful that at least I'm well and its not like were dying in here but still not being able to leave I'd a unique kind of pain... Ok there I go again, lamenting the state of our confinement. Its just so, people do miss the outside world beyond the barbed wire fence and white taped signs. At least going on fb n such helps slot.

I was just flipping through a stack of notes on fb and some blog posts when life struck me. All these people along with all their pain, joy and sorrow- this is the fruit of youth of the heart that loves and the life that flows our beyond the person it inhabits. And a line from a song kept ringing through my head: who ever wants to look back ok their youth and wonder where those years have gone. And I do see that I am such a piece. When did my story end if ever the tale of my youth did begin? Why does my memory hold so many lines of self forged sorrow? Who is this man before me I see in the mirror, face of ashen gray and eyes of pale loss? This cant be me, how could this be. I'm 21 this year! At such an age, where did my path divide along the way? Was it that fateful friend i made? Or that very first card i drew? Perhaps it was the powerful anonimity the Internet gave. Or the rush one gets from picking a fight.

One thing I confess, now, I cannot cry. Even of one I love ought to die, yea I'll feel the sadness but my face won't bend. Its been too long since it began. Rarely there are tears of rage or a few moving songs but it is altogether different to son and weep. Is that true feeling? Is that what it is to be human, what then have I become? Long ago I may have foolishly sought such emptiness, to be hollow and unaffected. It was strength I guess, but now O Lord I see my wrong. These people around me, teach me to be more like them. I am not wise and mature, I'm foolish and wretched, being super practical because that's the only way I know how.

Maybe ive tried to have another side of me. Maybe it didn't work out so well but all i know is actually. I dont know, there is just much of growing up I haven't experienced. Its not exactly living a lie, and life still goes on nevertheless but this is a line that must be breached. A bridge I have to cross. Without feeling like a phony, just a walking mass of imitation and pretense. Everyone is on the road to finding theor real me. SoME, just have a longer way to go.

Someone look me in the eye and tell me who I am, and that I'm not going, or already crazy.

Quote of e post:
was it you who spoke the words that
things would happen but not to me
all things are gonna happen naturally?