Insane Mess

The 2nd shortest lived blogskin, the Midgar skin has just been scrapped. It lasted a pathatic

Woah, the weekends really know how to fly ^_^ It's been a messy and confusing weekend... For me at least. Saturday, early morning, really early at like 10am went to watch "Hitch" at PS... I found it brilliant even if some other people do not find it worth their time. For me? I dont mind watching it AGAIN! Yea Im biased shoot me. Then went off to Tanjong Pagar MRT to meet the ERs for the second leg of our Level 1 Sport Climbing Course ^_^ Yea! I GOT MY LEVEL ONE CERT/CARD! I absolutely love it, looks fabulous :P

Sunday! Went to study in the morning again ^_^ Yea, I like it hahaz. Oh yea, talking about studying, I better get down to business. So you should expect to see me online LESS often. Im also shelving the PS and FF7... For Good. It isnt a good influence, and I just begin to feel uncomfortable knowing that Im doing something im not supposed to in full knowledge of the fact im not supposed to do it. Confusing? Re-read please.

During service... I really felt that something was missing, so when I went to get prayed for, I knew i really needed it. I was told that I am there, and God is there, but there is a door between us, and I am holding the key in my hand. I want to know, what is the door? I dont want to take the key and open the door. I want to bash that door down so that it does not exist anymore!

Im scared, Im really really. Rachel spoke of hell on Sunday. I am not entirely certain where I will go when I die. I think about this sometimes and I can imagine myself in heaven, the way I am but different, there praising and worshipping for enternity. Then I think of the word ENTERNITY and I just get a fright, you see? Beign finite I just cant comprehend infinity. It scares me... makes me feel like I dont ever want to die and move on, ever.

Sunday was totally odd. Everywhere, it might look normal but I can see it, I just feel that something is wrong, something is missing. There is a different look in everyone's eyes. I try to remmber that familiar feeling and I finally realise what it is. It is coldness. The deep dark coldness in all their glares, the exact same kind I face in class day after day. What have I done wrong? What did I do or not do? I dont know what is right anymore, what do you want me to do? People are just so complicated...

Today, Monday, return to school more drained and muddled than before. Keyholder absent so the class stupidly waited outside the class after assembly. Miss Ming walked past and denied us access to the class because we did not take any INITIATIVE to take the keys on our own. Just because the keyholder is not here. So it fell upon my shoulders, I stepped out in courage and led the class no matter how grudgingly, they followed, got the key back and life went on. But what struck me was that No one out of the 25 odd people standing there cared to go and take the key on their own. Keyholder absent, first thing is point to the monitor, monitor late? Wait like logs. How smart.

For Assembly, the school invited a group from MINDS, the "Movement for the Intellectually Disabled fo Singapore" to put up a performance. These people, train for years to handle simple performances like the chicken dance for example. But yet they live life to the fullest, while we, fully capable dare not take risks, dare not step out our comfort zone. Who's the one who is handicapped now? Being human, the most intelligent of all species, with full self-awareness and self-conciouness, we either care too much or we dont care at all. Sometimes, our intellect is more of a burden than a blessing...

You know, paper balls, just dry crushed up balls of fullscap paper are not hard and can do little to no physical damage. But as they rain down on me in class as i sit there, ignoring them. They do only mental damage. Yea, they hurt inside. What have I done to deserve this from them? And as a result spiritual damage. I cant hate them, I cant retaliate, I try to be meek but it is just so hard to do. Sitting still will only draw more fire... What am I to do?

I do not need to be some big shot doctor to testify the wonderous effects of music therapy. My winamp playlist is the only non-living thing that can lift my spirits, inspire me, motivate me, make me tear, make me laugh, make me reflect on life, make me fall asleep, prevent me from sleeping, fire me up, make me feel depressed, make me feel guilty, make me feel invincible and a whole slew of other things. Heck, i think even some people cant do all that to me. I found another reason to like Japanese songs. I dont know what they are saying, so it is really just - music. Especially when I have a headache, my brain does not need to process the meaning... the beat of the music can really make me feel better. If not for all that music on my comp, I wouldnt have made it so far till this day. Honestly. That is how powerful music is, so choose wisely, i believe I have already spoken on that topic last year.

Headache throbbing... not much is helping. Hope I dont fall ill, please let it just be a headache and not a fever. I wont take my temperature. More common test rubbish, just passed Physics with a mere 26/50 and barely lived up to expectations in Social Studies with 17/25. The only piece of good news is that my Geography pulled in a 33/40 which when combined with my Social Studies under Combined Humanities scraped me a 75, which is an A1.

Just noticed... am I displaying symptoms of psychosis? Thinking people are out to get you, thinking too much and all... Am i going crazy? Maybe I am, but peop;e who are going crazy will not know that they are so i think im quite safe. Life has been a cycle of average, bad and worse... I dont know how to go on any more.

Finally to my classmates, dont worry, Im not going to commit suicide or die anytime soon, so dont be too happy... I will still be around just more moody =P

Quote of the Post:
Dosent that sound familiar? Dosent that hit so close to home? Dosent that make you shiver , on how things could have gone?