Somone who loves

I've finally shifted. Feel a little guilty but glad that for now, I feel safe. For now. I feel rather ambivalent now. After last night's sharing, really. We ask you, if you loved someone, what would you do? The general answer was "I'd make them happy", but all I can think of was "I'd make sure they aren't sad". But then now, what am I to do if the way to make the person I love happy is to not love them.

I see you there, and I can't speak. Not a word. Please leave now, go and die somewhere and never appear before my eyes again. Before I go somewhere and die so I'll never have to face looking at you again.

Picked up a book at the library today, about an 18 year old Israeli girl telling her life story of "finishing her exams, breaking up with her boyfriend and then leaves home to take up her national service with the Israeli army" as the book put it. And I am comforted (and in certain ways rather worried) about the vast similarities between the Israeli system and Singapore's National Service from the viewpoint of a highly intellectual, sensitive and very real girl who has been snatched from the arms of a loving home and pool of friends into a world of unfamiliarity as adolescence and adulthood seemingly battle their way out in her through the highly pressurized teaching and exams, crushingly strict routines, lack of sleep and poor food. I can totally relate to the first few chapters (of course, without the part about breaking up with her boyfriend and having great friends) The anxiety, the panic and concern she experienced, so clearly reenacted out in a ply of words.

I wonder, if anyone will throw me a surprise party the day before I leave for Tekong.

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They choose what you do and where you belong, you'll be one amongst others, you'll be one tiny part of Tsahal SAF.

Ching Chong Chinaman

"A psychopath has no concern for the feelings of others and a complete disregard for any sense of social obligation. They seem egocentric and lack insight of any sense of responsibility or consequence. Their emotions are thought to be superficial and shallow, if they exist at all. They are considered callous, manipulative, and incapable of forming lasting relationships, let alone showing any kind of meaningful love. They typically never perform any action unless they determine it can be beneficial for themselves.

Since psychopaths cause harm through their actions, it is assumed that they are not emotionally attached to the people they harm; however, according to the PCL-R Checklist, psychopaths are also careless in the way they treat themselves. They frequently fail to alter their behavior in a way that would prevent them from enduring future discomfort. Dr. Joseph Newman contends that the behavior displayed by psychopaths is the result of "an inability to process contextual cues." [23]

It is thought that any emotions which the primary psychopath exhibits are the fruits of watching and mimicking other people's emotions. They show poor impulse control and a low tolerance for frustration and aggression. They have no empathy, remorse, anxiety or guilt in relation to their behavior. In short, they truly are devoid of conscience. However, they understand that society expects them to behave in a conscientious manner, and therefore they mimic this behavior when it suits their needs.

It has been shown that punishment and behavior modification techniques do not improve the behavior of a psychopath. They have been regularly observed to respond to both by becoming more cunning and hiding their behavior better. It has been suggested that traditional therapeutic approaches actually make them, if not worse, then far more adept at manipulating others and concealing their behavior. They are generally considered to be not only incurable but also untreatable.

Psychopaths also have a markedly distorted sense of the potential consequences of their actions, not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not, for example, deeply recognize the risk of being caught, disbelieved or injured as a result of their behavior."

Wikipedia - Psychopathy

I wonder if this means that I'll have to dig in deeper to bury this or I'll have to go on another killing spree.

Homicide? Bah.

Hooray, the world is going to bits. Even the most patient person I can imagine lost it. Guess this means my Universal Death Ray of Irritation is working well. Jokes aside, what the hell is wrong these days? The inconsistent weather isn't helping the least bit when coupled with the increased tension and pace of life. Like everything is crumbling here and there but still holding somehow, miraculously.

"i'll kill you"
"just you try"
alright, maybe you should
it would save me the trouble
of doing what i dare not do
id embrace it happily
the only good thing you've done for me
salvation is here
i hand you the trigger

Oh my gosh I'm such a git. Looking back at my past few posts, :so shameful: going to pieces like I was the only thing in the world, blind to the lives of others. Maybe it was a one off thing, maybe its just the inevitable conclusion that I've been running from. Life is the PITS. Just kidding, relative to the rest of the world, I'm sun kissed, God blessed, heaven stamped lucky fortunate. Bleh, yet I still feel there's so much missing from life.

I remember a time I just loved laughing at emo people? With their excessive dark and introverted style and self pitying attitude coupled with variable amounts of self harm. It was comical to watch until I slowly joined the movement and although the outer rims still cast me off, all the signs are present. Oh shyt, I'm turning into an emo freak. Lets see...

Pitiful no one understand poems - check
Darkish clothing - check
Poor self image - check
Emo shoes - check
Writing on hands etc - check
Moping about for long periods of time - check
Self mutilation for the release of beta-endorphins - not yet nope

Wow! What an amazing list. Truth be told, this list is quite mean. Emo people, and I mean the real emos (not those who dress up like emos and bemoan the loss of some obscure trivial thing thing) are quite a pitiful bunch of people who need LOVE- and acceptance from people. Aww. So don't go around MAKING THEM OUT TO BE SOME KIND OF STRANGE EXHIBIT TO BE OOGLED AT. "teasing teasing girls"

I will not yield I will not yield
To morph into the likes of you
Spiteful spirits in grimy glasses
Angry marginalization of the population
With pitchfork tongues and fraying glares
Strutting pointing no you don't care
As long as the point you made is there
Cries of disgust amidst empty plains
Is my end the response you seek
Or must I turn back into the demon
That wants you dead

Protect your friends the best you can- for when my resolve has come full circle as the moon none shall be spared. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED. It shall be a long drawn out affair, and your grisly passing will serve a reminder to the corners of the earth, the cornered animal is the most dangerous. YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.

Mistake it not. This will be premeditated cold blooded M U R D E R.

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Human lives are so cheap

Deathly Hallows

Just finished the deathly hallows. Trust me, you will not be disappointed.

Wont say no more.

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I open at the close

Life Story - End

Unknown - [Life Story]

“Wake up” she said, “Look it's a beautiful day”
Downstairs to the kitchen door and then away
Into the light, morning feeling lives on
Come the clouds the moon and morning is gone

Born today some years ago and had a happy childhood
But I fell in love and out nothing changed
Lived a life of nothing much, but then how much can one expect
So there you are my life is gone, but I’m the same

Just my life story, minute by second a story
That goes on forever with each breath that I take
This is my life story, uneventful a story
That ages with each year a birthday cake

“Get up” she said, “Hurry or you might be late”
Everyday you hurry off to keep your day
Learn something new what are you hoping to do
Make some money, find a wife, have a kid or two

Thinking back I like to dream of things I would have done
If not for God
But hey He's always there
What can I do?
Maybe if I have another chance, I'd go into my past
And make life a better one
For me and you

Just my life story minute by second a story
That goes on forever with each breath that I take
This is my life story, uneventful a story
That ages with each year a birthday cake

When it's time and I must close
I’ll write a book and sign an 'X'
And send it to some true romance-typed magazine somewhere
Then the world will read of me and say there lived a hero
But too late my friends and enemies
I guess life isn't fair

So my life story
It’s quite explanatory
Won’t you please start from page one and do go on
-------------------------------------------

I love this song, *sigh* goes on my eternal favorites list, current repeat song.

LIVED A LIFE OF NOTHING MUCH
BUT THEN HOW MUCH CAN ONE EXPECT
SO THERE YOU ARE MY LIFE IS PAST

MAYBE IF I HAD ANOTHER CHANCE
ID GO INTO MY PAST
AND MAKE MY LIFE A BETTER ONE

its time and i must close

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its quite explanatory

Incubus

The 19th SC passed on their mantle to the next generation two days ago. Student council investiture means 32 things! 1. We had no STAR (Scheduled Tests Assignments and Revision) for GP and 2. SRJC will have a new student council 3. I'll have one less thing to look out for at assembly each day

I love how our school blazer looks as a whole compared to when we just wear our uniform and tie~ reminds me why I strain my neck stretching it everyday.

Its so futile really, trying to change. Regardless the appearance, pride and confidence in an internal quality that cannot be bought. Dress me up and stick me full of plaster, put me on a pedestal for every freak to admire. Its inevitable, I knew it would end like this.

Ask me if I'm alright. Of course I'm alright, nothing will be amiss. I've been the same way I've been for years- why should anything change now...

I was blown away.
What could I say?
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything,
And I can't deal with that.
I try to see the good in life,
But good things in life are hard to find.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

When I'm alone, tomorrow feels far away.
And I must go over still into the darkness of dawn.

I hurt myself because of you, over and over;
But my love didn't go away--it kept coming back.
The toughness gained from my damage is unbelievable.
I won't be able to sleep at all tonight either.
However many times it's repeated,.
It revives again and again--because it's love.
You can't blame my emotion,
Because you should know it will never fade away.

All people should grow by being hurt, right?

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What am I carrying?
The truth is, even I don't know
I just run, and someone's waiting for me
It seems to be something really importan

Wait for you

Just returned from watching Ootp. If the movie did anything at all for me it made me even more depressed. Thanks to Chelmin for helping me get the ticket, the front row view wasn't so bad due to the layout of the cinema, and it was cheap (Due to the special event). So thanks.

The movie sucked more then I'd thought it would. But Luna is still really cute. Even more so now- I kinda like her sneakers... =x

3/4 the fun of watching a movie is watching it with other people. Whom you know.

Town, just the place where one can feel the most isolated and loneliest in the most crowded of places. It is so hard to walk alone, no matter where you go and where you are. You don't know what its like, no, not a single one.

In a crowd, what do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? Do you see people, or monsters? I see monsters, plastered with large mocking grins and devilish teeth. All I hear is laughter and ridicule. I can't feel safe there_ I feel mocked and exhibited for the world to critique. So I plug in my earphones, so I close my eyes, so I look down. So the crowds subside and another wave takes their place. Another regimen another division of hellspawn.

Can't you leave me be? I thought you were a friend, friends. You've laughed and jabbed and stolen all my pride and dignity. What more do you want from me? So I'm n00b and you're great. Big fucking deal_ what the hell happened to you. So now you're cool and I'm still not, and all you ever say to me is heh and wut. I don't need people like this around, I can get my daily dose of demoralization from school. So keep your God damn high and mightyness to yourself. Whether you act or not I don't know, but your tears to me are wicked lies. I see in every drop a plot device- orchestrate your climb up the ladder of success. When you get all the recognition you want there i'll be. To pull the ladder from beneath. I pray you break your spine for this.

My heart is heavy, literally I can feel the weight it has, dragging down my chest. Sadness has nothing on this- I can't even figure out what this is. ""Shall I give you despair?"

Not a single person who needs to read what I've put here has read it. Basically, much of my reader base are irrelevant people who happen to have nothing better to do. It was a working relationship, its over now, I've done my job and you've done yours. So leave me alone. If I had to choose only one hemisphere of my social life to keep, I wouldn't even consider keeping yours. I have to shift this blog soon.

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

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Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you

High and Dry

Once i a while, we get a few of those thing that get stuck and just don't come off. It'll stick for any period of time, from days to weeks, even months. I'm really sick of this -all this-.

I WANT TO KNOW.

You don't go around like its all not at all and go back to your room and blog your mind out. Next thing we know, I'm lost up down left and right. I know nothing. And odds are, that isn't going to change until I find a way to read minds. Ignorance gnaws me, it gives me a hunger to find out, to ask questions (even very inappropriate questions) and ultimately to be omniscient. To know everything, perfect knowledge and information- maybe maybe only then I can figure out why we're all so different. Me and the world.

I don't know anything. And there's nothing about me for others to find out. I'm delusional, I'm not complex or smart or witty. I'm just darn loud and empty. Yet, some people are loud, crappy and still pull the social life thing off. All Ive done is be loud, and annoying and piss people off. Its hard to find a kind word, even from a "friend".

Whats wrong with me huh? We all started out on the wrong foot or what? I don't know anyone anymore. Even if lets say we do talk, it lasts a short while, we share things and I just run on empty. Thats the shallow pool drained out and then all I can do is start taking and taking with nothing to give. Eventually, you'll dry out and get pissed off.

I can't explain how much I enjoy Fridays. To quote Luna (whom i absolutely love as much or abit more then Regina Phalange)- "Its like having friends". Its similar- I think. Cos I don't know what it actually is like.

Luna is currently played by Evanna Lynch. She wasn't chosen for the role because she is great at acting Luna, she IS LUNA. She may not look very pretty at first glance. Really, Her hair reminded me of the Malfoy brand initially but she'll grow on ya. Those deep soulful eyes just draw you in like a curious vacuum you cant look away from.

Interestingly, Evanna means "Young Warrior" and Lynch means "To put [someone] to death without legal authority via mob action usually by hanging". How eerily fitting. What a meaningful name and surname combo. Luna has long been my favorite character simply for her ditsy and rather pitiful state of affairs. At the end of Order of the Phoenix I cant be the only one who thought Harry/Luna would be a fun couple. (I still do think they will make a fun couple :random: I want to read the Quibbler)

Don't tag me as though you know me. If you spam my tag I will delete it. This life, is no friend of mine.

No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away
So let mercy come
and wash away
Wish i could prove i love you
but does that mean i have to walk on water?
She carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured it out
I look up to everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
When you say your prayers, try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man
I was so afraid
Of going under
Cos you're just a dream
This is my reality, totally insanity
Listen to my heart can you hear it sing
Telling me to give you everything
It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letters I wrote you, but I did not send
So perhaps I should leave here, go far away
But you know that theres no where that I'd rather be than with you here today
It's inevitable.
It's a fact that we're gonna get down to it.
So tell me
Its nothing I planned
Not that I can
Talk to me
Even if its just to say goodbye

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I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

Psychedelic High

Whee, today was insane!! Yes, crazy mad insane! Firstly, I spent my first free day after mid years shopping. What? Yea! Shopping, for clothes! Amazing stuff, really. But now the problem is claiming the money back from my house bankers. I have receipts and stuff but it would take some good deal of reasoning and logic to convince them to part with their precious hard earned money. meh. Its amazing, I cant even find words to continue it haha.

HENSHIN~ CHANGE!! Feels great, this power, feels good- huh uh no that wasn't some random Spider man 3 quote. Teehee. I wonder when the fruits of today's labor will spawn. Yes yes I will dedicate a line to you my good friend Shan An who went shopping with me for almost six hours. THIS LINE IS THANKING YOU, GOT IT? No money le, dun ask for a treat haha, shoo shoo! :P

The NS medical exam yesterday was more fun and boring then scary haha, really. The blood drawing is like huh~ over already? Sheesh, what a big hullabulla for nothing. Im so SAD! Im a perfectly normal human! LOL The medical guy at the end wrote Pes A on his paper but circled it and arrowed to Pes BP after seeing my weight haha. I LOST WEIGHT OVER THE HOLIDAYS~ LOL! But still overweight la =/ Saddened. Now I'll need to exercise like mad to skip the 2 extra months. The 12 week exercise program from hell is already in progress, anyone care to join me? :P

Bleh... looking for "hair styling for dummies" haha. Anyone have any ideas? Feel free to point me in the right direction. I have to do something to my hair before its gone for 2 years haha. Lets just call it hmm, the seeds of rebellion. You watered it you devious duo. Its growing mighty fine :)

RICKROLL!! Rick Astley has been immortalized via meme forever and ever amen. Haha.

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And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Shout!

Alright alright~ I'll update. Sheesh. Lets see, in 10 days where do I begin to start? Mid years are stupid, I wont even blog about how much of a failure this is going to be. Maybe its like Victor's secret tactic, fail midyears like junk then spam power in Prelims for good progress award. Easy money~ or something like that. The difference here is that I'm not faking the failures and I can't power level to As in prelim.

Do It All For You! DIAFY :) So exciting haha, because it wasn't settled all the way till the 11th hour. 2 days before the actual event we didn't even know what we were going to do! but God came through and created a smashing success. Yes I know, I'm the lazy bum who went home when everyone else either stayed through the night to do stuff or brought stars home to fold. And yet I still was still super tired T_T

Anyway, it was great to see the patients look so happy. Unlike other diseases, kidney failure is a chronic long term suffering kind of thing one wouldn't even wish on their most hated enemy. And the needles, oh yes the needles. They were so big, and I being the little Trypanophobic me was so freaked out. Dilys even cried, but thats understandable. Needless to say HG2 is going to take a more healthy approach to life now haha. Meaning less Chin chau, less chicken rice, less pig innards and all that junk haha. Sky juice and fish soup ftw!

Lets Excel in everyting we do. Getter Change!

Ps. Shout is cool, even if you dont really like it sima qian~

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And we're living while living what we sing