Anyone/everyone Id bother about in 1A02 is leaving. Or has already left. They did well, and chose their own path, they move on. I can't blame them but now I will be alone, without any allies, without any support. It's alright, really, I have done it for at least 3/5 of my secondary school life, I can run that by for another 2 years in Jc.
Heck, I don't even know if i'm getting in, on 18 points? Oh, and my application as a OGL didn't make it through anyhow. Kai's did, so did Nessa's, Im happy for them. And now I think why. Was it my points? At 18 points, 18 points is SR's cutoff! Or maybe it's the choice placing, I put SR as my 2nd choice. Or maybe they asked the teachers, I have given my chinese teacher tons of trouble:- hell, I know im already in trouble for not going again today.
And I can't uproot and leave. They know now Im planning on coming back. And my parents wont ever let me withdraw. I go daily mentally prepared and by the end of the day Im shattered and spent. Am I going to go through this for the next 2 weeks? Today in e library I read a picture book, about this person called Miss Remarkable. She was -remarkable, everyone had so many high hopes and expectations of her which she tried to live up to but insider her there was this insecurity and fear no one bothered to address. Discouragement and put downs by herself until she finally struggled and struggled into a total breakdown. Only after a failed suicide did she come to realise, she was nobody, free to be a nobody. Miss Remarkable has died, only a nameless face is left, a clean slate.
I can relate, difference is that the hopes and expectations are self imposed. I have them for myself and those who are giving the hopless, rentless stream of discouragement are the people around me-- I want to be great, I want to be recognised, just like miss remarkable, but instead of knowing I cant, it is circumstances telling me I cant. Instead of people being disappointed in me, I am DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. She too put on a brave front while she died inside. She too tried to reassure herself with bold words and motivational phrases. We did all we could to come to naught. I-can-relate-totally.
I want to kill them, to kill them all, to stop those glaring eyes, the condescending stares, the silent sneers, the whispers, that look in thier eyes. I want to rip it out of their sockets, I want to silence them forever. I want power, and control, because I never had a taste of such things, it has always been me the leaf tossed in the wind. What'll I give to be the tearing winds just once. How does it feel to be a plaything of society's standards? To be judged and persecuted, to be mocked and scorned, openly. Take a deep breath, level the gun, focus on only one thing and pull the trigger without the jerk, dont close your eyes, LOOK. Don't aim for the head if you want to dispose of your enemy, it is too small a target, thus difficult to hit If you're going to shoot, aim for the heart, at least if you miss you'll hit the body and give yourself some time to make the killing shot.
Then again the power to kill, I dont want them to fear me, I want.. i want... to be accepted.
Quote of e Post:
If you want to surpass me, then live- all by yourself. Become stronger then everyone and everything, and prevail!
No comments:
Post a Comment