Always

So I haven't blogged for what? one week. So kill me. Wait, didnt I blog about OGL and stuff? Did those posts vanish? Oh yes, I was brooding over that angsty post thing and I never finished my post on OGL application and what-not.

Dont really care now. I ditched OGL camp for enrolment service- partially because itwas my duty and we have been practicing for weeks and weeks getting it right (and it still wasn't quite right) but we were there and it went relatively well. Good job everyone!

I wont repost the whole chunk about my struggle (which seems to have somehow vanished) but its all in the past now. I had fun and gained experiences I couldn't gain anywhere else, just like OGL camp but there are people here, closer to me, who have gone through so much together. I wouldn't trade it, for their trust.

Went to Gerard's home for BBq after elronment! Haha, actually they asked us to go at 5:30 but i went at 6:30, ended up almost everyone else was there at that time too! Took 70 to Yio Chu Kang mrt only to take 70 back 7 stops to go to his house =.=U anyhow we didnt realyl cook just went and ate xD his other friends are a disgusting bunch of jank. Thebe gamma pwns them la.

Tired, im going to go sleep, but before that, a song.

Bon Jovi - Always

This romeo is bleeding, but you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up
It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well,I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

1-Yeah I, will love you, baby
Always and i'll be there
Forever and a day, always

2-I'll be there, till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme
I know when i die you'll be on my mind
and I'll love you, always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh
Some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye

What I'd give to run my fingers thru your hair
Touch your lips, to hold you near,
When you say your prayers, try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words
You've been needing to hear, I'll wish I was him
'Cause these words are mine, to say to you
'Til the end of time (rpt 1)

If you told me to cry for you, I could
If you told me to die for you, I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price i won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck in these loaded dice
But baby, if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams, and our old lives,
We'll find a place, where the sun still shines
------------

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Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking!

Vigor Mortis

Anyone/everyone Id bother about in 1A02 is leaving. Or has already left. They did well, and chose their own path, they move on. I can't blame them but now I will be alone, without any allies, without any support. It's alright, really, I have done it for at least 3/5 of my secondary school life, I can run that by for another 2 years in Jc.

Heck, I don't even know if i'm getting in, on 18 points? Oh, and my application as a OGL didn't make it through anyhow. Kai's did, so did Nessa's, Im happy for them. And now I think why. Was it my points? At 18 points, 18 points is SR's cutoff! Or maybe it's the choice placing, I put SR as my 2nd choice. Or maybe they asked the teachers, I have given my chinese teacher tons of trouble:- hell, I know im already in trouble for not going again today.

And I can't uproot and leave. They know now Im planning on coming back. And my parents wont ever let me withdraw. I go daily mentally prepared and by the end of the day Im shattered and spent. Am I going to go through this for the next 2 weeks? Today in e library I read a picture book, about this person called Miss Remarkable. She was -remarkable, everyone had so many high hopes and expectations of her which she tried to live up to but insider her there was this insecurity and fear no one bothered to address. Discouragement and put downs by herself until she finally struggled and struggled into a total breakdown. Only after a failed suicide did she come to realise, she was nobody, free to be a nobody. Miss Remarkable has died, only a nameless face is left, a clean slate.

I can relate, difference is that the hopes and expectations are self imposed. I have them for myself and those who are giving the hopless, rentless stream of discouragement are the people around me-- I want to be great, I want to be recognised, just like miss remarkable, but instead of knowing I cant, it is circumstances telling me I cant. Instead of people being disappointed in me, I am DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. She too put on a brave front while she died inside. She too tried to reassure herself with bold words and motivational phrases. We did all we could to come to naught. I-can-relate-totally.

I want to kill them, to kill them all, to stop those glaring eyes, the condescending stares, the silent sneers, the whispers, that look in thier eyes. I want to rip it out of their sockets, I want to silence them forever. I want power, and control, because I never had a taste of such things, it has always been me the leaf tossed in the wind. What'll I give to be the tearing winds just once. How does it feel to be a plaything of society's standards? To be judged and persecuted, to be mocked and scorned, openly. Take a deep breath, level the gun, focus on only one thing and pull the trigger without the jerk, dont close your eyes, LOOK. Don't aim for the head if you want to dispose of your enemy, it is too small a target, thus difficult to hit If you're going to shoot, aim for the heart, at least if you miss you'll hit the body and give yourself some time to make the killing shot.

Then again the power to kill, I dont want them to fear me, I want.. i want... to be accepted.

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If you want to surpass me, then live- all by yourself. Become stronger then everyone and everything, and prevail!

There's a fine, fine line

Hey, I haven't been updating so sorry. Friday was eerie, to top it off I took the econs test I missed the previous friday, not bad (considering I did it out of memory work) but I only got 15/20 haha. But BEFORE econs our chinese teacher stormed in, mad as hell and threathening to send us there too =x

Guess we finally got him pissed enough to warrant a lecture, oh well, guess I'll be going to my first chinese lesson in 2 week, so bad right =x Ya haha, i pon alot of chinese lessons. Didn't go for CCA, and gave our "giftS" to our dear OGLs teehee ^_^ the box game is really growing on us. I love my OG. (so mushy =x)

Ok, I dont really bother if they sometimes read in but between 1A02 and my OG, Id pick my OG. I guess it's more because we did all our crap together, did the same stupid things, played the same silly games, shouted ourselves hoarse side by side and practically became each other's family for one week. We have an awesome OG, so close.

I don't know about my class but we're splitting come March, and there will be a new class. and this time we will probably be together for the next 2 years. And then, after signing up as an OGL, I really suspect the 2nd intake students wont be as enthu as us, simply because as some people put it. "Orientation is a waste of time, Id just pon and come back when the school really starts work."

I don't know what they want (majority of em anyhow) and there's been some bad blood and ill feelings. But, Ive learnt to forgive you, so won't you tell me how to change? Is it that Im not making the effort or are some people just that hard to love?

Found a new song, loving it, how appropriate for this week.

--There's a Fine, Fine Line--

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
------------------

It's quite a sad song isn't it? Anyhow, some people prefer to listen to angry songs (aka f*** you songs) when they are depressed. I belong to another group, who prefer to listen to depressing songs when depressed, after a while of reflection and slow saddening songs, we'll hit a certain level when we'll just bounce back up and tada, depressions gone. One thing though, some people never find that bounce back level, and they die trying, it's very sad. Suicide is a horrible way to go, if you really want to go try some less painful ways, like listening through econs lectures.

So get this into your head, you can't kill me. Id find my will to live my geatest asset. I REFUSE TO DIE. I've got things to do, dreams to accomplish, people to take revenge on just kidding :) But Ive got things I want to do... thats what I know. So what if I repeated sec 3? So what if I only got 18? So what if everyones' going off to SA or VJ or RJ and Im going to SR-- it's still a college, and we're a pretty darn nice place. Eat that Raffles. (no offence to any RJC people really, just the icon of top tier schools)

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Shizuka ni tsumoru yo konayuki
(Let the powdered snow fall silently)

Someone

Wow, I found this song, I didnt even know it existed. Now Im absolutely stuck on it, even more then Namidaboshi, and by the most surprising artiste. Sun Yan Zhi! What? Yea, it's by herm you can obviously hear it in the voice :) The song is titled...

Someone

My hair was long and shiny.. you said you can’t believe…
how could i walk out that door, or walk along the streets…
you told me i should, you know, do some bing bang curly wirly afro thing..
i took your word and did… looked in my mirror, “who’s that freak?”
Why does the world deceive?
Why do I make believe?
took my heel and made Achilles out of me…
still i would want to be
Someone who’d answer to me.

Someone who sees like a child, gives like a saint,
feels like an angel—never mind the broken wings,
and speaks like a picture, cries like the rain, shines like a star,
as long as the fire remains.

The vase beside my bed, it’s empty—almost dead.
It’s for all the flowers I’m gonna give you,” he said,
and now it’s collecting dust instead

Why does the world deceive?
Why do I make believe?
took my heel and made Achilles out of me…
still i would want to be
Someone who’d answer to me:

Sees like a child, gives like a saint,
feels like an angel—never mind the broken wings,
and speaks like a picture, cries like the rain, shines like a star,
as long as the fire remains.
----------------

Not only would I want to be like that, Id want to know someone like that- today's CT period talked about so much I can't really absorb all of it. But I know for sure I can't keep a serious look, nor can I act cold, Im not that kind of person, I'll just laugh when I find something amusing.

Hmm, tomorrow night is the climax of English Week (Which somehow we the J1s' missed majority og due to JAE) the "evening of love". Should I go for EoL instead of cell? Will they understand? On one side is my class, I might not know them well enough, heck Im not sure how many of them are even going to be there. And on the other hand is my cell, and Paula's back! Reuben too =x What to do? Can't make a choice.

WHAT is what we're all about, what we live for, to shout it out. Now the only question left is what to fill in as the WHAT. I have some ideas, Im just not ready. Along that vein, Im never ready- because there is always this much I dont know about, and therefore knowledge, that is where the power is, that I believe is where the power lies. But that alone is not enough to fill the WHAT, I need wisdom, and there's only one source of that--

I know nothing.

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Id wear it anyway even if it looks whack

Long Touche

Oh it's been so many days- since results came out everything seems to have changed a little bit. For better or for worse I can't tell but for now, lets just take life one step at a time.

So it's the 14th of Feb. Im at home almost every year on this day anyway- but not this year.. and somehow, I feel like I should have. What was meant to be a class outing turned out to be a somewhat heaped whoever-has-nothing-to-do-come-together thing. Not that it's a bad thing, I really must commend Nessa for the effort.

Alright so it was partially me, I was being the "Shawn" of 1A02. Difference being, while Gamma embraced Shawn he shunned us, here, they shunned me- how am I supposed to reach out to them? Out of reach, so far-

Anyway, we ate at seoul garden @ Taka and It was so embarassing! Because of the ridiculously inflated non student prices on valentine's day I didnt have enough money to pay and had to "beG" for someone to cough up 2 bux for me. The gap between student and non student was a whooping 7 dollars! And the selection wasn't fantastic- I couldn't find my favourite potato salad =(

After which we caught a movie, oh my gosh, I loved it ^_^ What movie you say? Umm haha, Casanova- WHAT? You loved it? Dude that some friggin chicc flick blah blah blah I dont care! I like it, ok? It was slightly romantic (not a whole lot, it was much more comedy imho) Overall entertaining and i Just LOVE the twists. IF you ever get me to do a skit or something I will always insist on a plot twist, or something. Why? No idea, the same reason I absolutely adore Ocean's Eleven and Twelve.

Now im broke both in my card and in my wallet, and im having creditors down my back to top it off. How much worse can it get? Og yea, me oversleeping and screwing up thrusday, right. so i'll sleep now haha before that--

CLICK MY LINK!! ^_^ and if it's free, sign up, thanks a bunch


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Love is like the weather, except that it is always good--

Of Comings and Goings

10th of Feb has come and Gone
Hopes were Raised and Tears were Shed
Now I know ill be in pre-U instead
Many cried but no one bled
Now the tears have dried in the sun
Fear ain't keeping me on the run
Embracing this future that has begun
Not all is lost, I'll keep pressing on

Teehee, the aftermath version of my poem. Yes yes it is almost the same- Haha. So about results. Everyone is dying to know. Well, the rumors were rubbish. I can't believe such large lies- and we believed them! Mostly due to continued repetition.

70% of the people failed SS in Singapore. 90% misinterpreted the english composition letter question. The A1 mark for maths jumped to 90+, these and more flying around. It was horrifying.

Didn't go to school in the morning, Thebes Gamma was supposed to pon together but- somehow only Me, Gerard, CK, Tammy, Yong De and Qing Yu turned up, the rest of them were at school, and Christabel didn't feel like it. Anyway, so Gerard brought his friend along (Jonathan was it?)

Met at like what? 10:30am?? 10:30 am in town when NOTHING is open (almost) We like sat around and slacked eating breakfast haha- At first everyone was just slightly nervy, and there was a slight indifference, no problems. Later on we went to play pool (haha! I learnt how ^_^ They are such nice teachers) come about 12+ nearing 1 when we were going to leave, no one could take a straight shot. Our heart rates shot up skyhigh. Panic and fear was gripping everyone.

TODAY WOULD BE THE DAY! screamed loudy in our minds silently. I think my heart was beating at 1.5 beats per second, i could feel it pulsing through my veins, in my head. My stomach was churning and I felt like I was going to puke, I had no appetite and I perspired excessively. Tammy was reduced to squatting on e floor and ended up sitting on a chair huddled up with her phone, talking to her friend for comfort.

Gerard was hitting balls, (which weren't hitting other balls) as were the other guys. I tried to sit down and slow my heartbeat down but to no avail- the nausea and all didn't subside when I returned to school. It heightened throughout the speech and so on. I was so scared Id let Ms Kodi down, she was counting on me and Kristy for her distinctions. Not to mention the rumors flying about- especialyl the English and SS one.

But before the results came out Ms Kodi talked to or class, saying we did better in English then sheexpected us to do, on a certain level even better then 4I. We were shocked. And I did get my english 1, the only english 1 in Peicai. What about the Straits Times intern girl I asked, "dont mind her, she got a 2" was her reply. I was estatic. But when the rest of the results came out, they balanced out abit.

I wont post it here, If you want to know, ask me, personally. Here's a joke before Im off-

Force = Mass x Acceleration (F=ma)
Workdone =Force x Distance -> Workdone = Mass x Acceleration x Distance
(W=Fd -> W=Mad)

Power = Workdone / Time -> Power = (Mass x Acceleration x Distance)/Time
(P=W/t -> P=Mad/t)

this proves power drives you mad over time =D

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Won't you leave me with a scar--

I am-

You're Kurapica!


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AND

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Quite true, errie.

Because you are here

Results tomorrow, again with this crap? Haha- alright, yesterday I met up with Acz. First time since what? 2 to 3 months? He;s doing fine, but I worry about his life, in general, more specifically, umm I can't really put the feeling down that he's headed nowhere good.

Haha, I was bored, and worried so I penned this poem during my break- it kind of flows wierdly but hey, Im no professional poet.

Tommorow is the tenth of Feb
Hopes will be raised, tears will be shed
Will we go Poly or pre-U instead?
We wouldn't know till we've cried and bled
Once the tears dry in the sun
Dont let fear keep you on the run
Embrace this future that has begun
Not all is lost, so keep pressing on

We are all afraid, on a certain level, yes. Afraid of what? Facing the truth? Facing the future? Facing our results? Or facing our friends, the scrutiny of society- So much going on in such a short time frame.

Friends, the word invokes such a warm fuzzy and yet wierdly distant feeling reminiscent of long ago. I forgot what it is like to be warm. Ive clean forgotten the cheer of comarade. And ive forgotten what Im bloggin about =x

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without giving up, I'll walk to that wish-granting place

I hope you Dance

I don't know what you are going through but you sound really depressed and stressed. I don't know your problem, I don't know your family or your friends (or as you put, the lack of them). I just see you briefly each day and after the next 2 weeks I may never see you ever again. But I want to help, I just don't like seeing people feel like crap, I want everyone to be happy. Let me help, but all I can do now is pray for you.

The school, or more specifically Mr Yew is reading our blogs, I think. But what do I care for that? This is for fun really, and Im very careful about any acts or laws. Im not a serious blogger who talks about public issues and ignites the fury of the public. I do not write heavily biased opinions under the cover of freedom of speech.

In fact Im quite happy. At least SOMEONE reads my blog. Haha, sounds so pathetic right? Yes, i have a very boring life therefore a boring blog. Hmm Denmark, this is more intresting, but i won't comment online of course- Im not that dumb. Teehee, say, *looks around in NTUC* do they sell Alta foodstuffs? :P

Results on Fruiday!! How many times must I repeat that? No idea! HAHA =P Im just happy and excited about it, barring the possibility that I might do very badly and have to resort to living off welfare the rest of my life- eh? Ahem, wrong country. Really do pray I can make it into a Jc, or if not possible I want a Poly course of my choice.

Education, career, all these things seem so far into the future when they are right in front of our faces. Haha- Someone asked me today did I ahve any friends, am I a loner, and why. Well. People are- troublesome for serious want of a better word. The complexity and uncertanty of trying to accomodate other people. Yes Im selfish- all humans are by nature. So troublesome, but still one thought remains

"Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking." - I hope you Dance

This quote is so strong, and I live by it somewhat.

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God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

Thank God For Friday

It has been confirmed that the O level results will be out come the 10th which is this coming Friday, we all anticipate this long awaited event of destiny with baited breath. Long awaited indeed- wonder where this path will lead us. 1A02 will most absolutely splinter, as will Thebes Gamma.

I havent blogged for VERY long mostly because blogger ate up my last two posts while posting and never returned them. As such I will have a second copy on hand before I post, lest the post eater decides to chow down again.

3/2/06
Nothing too spectacular about today, no CCA, J2s begin their common tests. I wish them good luck and all the best- Watched Hamlet, not the actual serious aply, but more of a comical madcap pardoy of it that still kept to the actual story line.

4/2/06
Burnt the morning at Changi Airport sending the STEP team of for their missions trip. So touching, sadly Jean didnt make it on time and was late enough to miss them by like 15 minutes, touche.

Thanks to WeiXin I managed to watch the Chingay parade ^_^ In the barricades at orchard road! Aww man, you're a pal :) Pictures are on the way, which reminds me I have to send a set to him too - hmm. It was great fun although the people there were all halfdead and lacklustre in cheering, wait they didn't really cheer at all. I feel abit sad for the Cheer Rockers. OH well, it is all in the past now-

Only left at almost 10 and there was no food, what about dinner? Went to 7-11 to eat cup noodles x) WX called Yerrica down too, so bad of us but haha nvm she was hungry too. Glad to see everyone alive and well, really really glad.

5/2/06
Went for 2nd Service as part of Tertiary, ZzzZ cos I came back late the previous night and thus was a dopey half awake fella all day haha- Didnt fg ofor youth, went home to piah Geog assignment- got it done by today (phew, luckily) not too shabby ^_^ Ate dinner at Warren, id arther call it a mini feast, just without any fish [sad :( I love fish] Haha, Im gonna grow FAT AGAIN! 8(

6/2/06
I had a bad day. Seems like Ive been down on my luck (slightly) all this week. First during PE I accidentally made a "own-goal" cos the ball bounced off my shin and went through the post. We lost 0-2, one was my "Assisted" own goal, crap-

Then during break I dropped a plate I was putting back to the stall, drawing the attention of the canteen, great, now Im the guy who dropped his plate of noodles (it was hlaf finished and it really wasn't my plate, just helping you know? So much for being Mr.Nice-guy)

And then I feel asleep in class multiple times esp GP bleh and had to stand up, no matter, a simple question put me right back in my seat. Ponned Chinese again, very tired, and hungry had to eat and sleep. Then I left my t-shirt at the classroom and happily headed home after Math.

Great job, I'll go early tomnorrow to see if the shirt is still there =x Eww, it will really stink by then.

Yawn- id better go eat my dinner now- bye bye.

Ps. I heard the school can find our blogs and read em- eek! Bah, I dont care, really, after all, there is nothing bad about the ministry, the country or the teachers on my blog. Why should I fear when there is nothing to be found??

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The blood of the weak is the ink with which we will write the declaration of a new nation of power