Im feeling real bouncy (don't ask) today, cos Im dead happy (funny phrase.. dead <-> happy [?]) Maybe it is becuase there is but one more day left till the end of this term. Even though we all know we won't be free this one week "holiday" there still is comfort in the knowledge that it IS a holiday week.
Like my title, I don't know if I have done the right thing... And if you are reading this it should clear things up a bit. I was not trying to make you guess... I was just .. not trying to be too obvious.... Yeah. After plucking up that courage the second attempt to reach out for my goal, heaven has made a fool of me again. You never got the underlying message... ahh my fair lady, not MY fair lady, but let me ask you, do you allow yourself to be MY fair lady? (This is as direct as it gets... my ears are burning already.. so embarassing)
Heaven does make great sport of me, taunting, twisting... teasing. Is it a good thing you never understood? Or was it just fate that was not meant to be... Like I said, I DONT believe in fate, what you want must be achieved with your own hands and thus I tried. Weather I succeed or fail, I will end up confused and dis-orienteated. As I wait for the final result of this... my mind is numb. The time is far from perfect, there are millions of things more important to focus on at the moment, the Os and Prelims are creeping nearer and nearer, the year ends are catching up... But this last few months are like they are, the LAST FEW months. If I don't act now, I will lose the chance forever...
I know that after this, or even now. People change... Im being very selfish. I like you as you are now, please don't change, so I put it to you before it is too late... before you change... The signs of change are already very evident in you... I really am hanging on to this last chance...
Getting back CA2 results tommrrow... after all I did today, results, studies all seem so insignificant. Two posts ago, I shot a flaming arrow out onto the unexpecting public but now... I've been shot by my very OWN arrow. I have decided to edit or delete that post, Feeling so damn stupid now. Funny how life decides to throw you things when you really don't expect it?
Things in the past, things yet unseen, wishes and dreams that are yet to come true, all those regrets... no where to go but up. Yeah, up. Stupid right? Yup sounds real stupid but Up is the way to go. Once again I stare at the sky and ask myself, "Is there a God up there?" Im SUPPOSED to be a christian. The keyword? SUPPOSED. If I call myself a christian, I am a very bad christian. We are supposed to believe, unwavering faith in our God. Silent, always watching over his children, welcoming all who come to him with a willing heart, wholeheartedly. (Im breaking this up or it will be too big a chunk)
Well, I dont know, maybe I think too much... but I seriously doubt whenever I pray or whatever. I never hear God's voice, ever. I can't recieve the gift of tounges... all I have to do is believe and seek ernestly it seems but there is always half of my mind... asking, questioning... What is it going to be like? How will it feel? How will it sound? And then the nothingness... Im sick of trying... Sick of keeping up this act. Yes, many have preached about the kind of person I am... not directly referring to me but Im guilty. The sunday christian... live like a saint on sunday, act like the devil the rest of the week, those who treat sunday as a ritual... just somewhere to go to and spend some time each week. (Break again)
If you are reading this Paula... don't go all bezerk on me next time we meet k? I don'tt want Rachel and all pouring over my spiritual life... I really need that but Im ick of trying. Ive been trying to get baptised but I juct can't do it... the amount of times Ive gone during Ranger's camps and stuff and asked to recieve the gift of tounges and failed standing there surrounded by all my commanders, mouth open. hands up, mouth open without a single word coming out... This facade falls now... I may do stuff to please you ppl but I know there is nothing inside so it dosen't really count k?
If you read it up till here (Man, you've got real good endurance!) That covers almost all my feelings... going off now, rememebr to tag or comment k? Thanks.
Quote of the post:
I deserve nothing more than I have
Cos, nothing I have is really mine...
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