Lazy Lazy Me...

The holidays have (to me) finally begun. The O level people NOT taking D&T OR Sub-Science are now already totally cooled down and relaxing. Well, for that other group, must keep on and work hard k? Only 2 more days to monday, after which you shall know the true value of freedom (ok that was odd -_-'') Anyway, seems like SOME people have a little problem with my new skin, I mean like whats wrong wih it huh? (Ok so it is A little.. ok not a little, quite.. girly?) But I still like it, i mean, don't tell me it aint cute! It is isnt it?! But if you insist, there is nothing I can do, if i get enough negative comments it will go... so yea

Anyway, niw at home day in day out no motivation to do my holiday homework... I know I know! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Im too lazy.. I actually planned to finish em off by November so can slack in December but now it seems like as the end of November draws closer and closer I will be unable to UNLESS I go nutz and finish it in ONE week... quite possible now that I think about it, but Im just TOO lazy! Help me anyone, anytime you think you can, message me or anything ANYTHING at all, motivate me k?

Today is Saturday morning 3 am plus... Last night I slept at 5 am.. woke up at 11:30 am this morning... sleep so long lolx, then wake up go online... no wonder never do homework lah! (BAsH! What kind of lame reason is that you lazy jerk?!) Anyway, I need to fidn something to do for FUN... Im really realyl bored now-a-days. SO bored that I've resorted to actually trying to write stuff but I've failed miserabally... I just found out that... I cant write anymore!!! Not that I could write in the past but I've gotten worse! I can't think of any new ideas and stuff anymore... Is my brain dead? I can only give excuses and everything, but I really dont know what has happened to me...

Why have I become so slack? Do I really want to rest on what little CRAP I have "achieved" this year? I wouldnt call that low pass in Math something to display around... and my PoA also, It totalyl DIPPED! From the usual A2 or so to a LOW B4... I know this isnt the time to be complaining seeing how holidays and all have began but Im just not satisfied! And next year, no more fooling around, it is the real thing, The O LEVELS for real no ditching, no running, no hiding, no more. The SECOND big step to determine you life...

In Singapore that peice (or those few peices) of paper are you life! Your identity, your WORTH, Results.. that is all shows in here istn it? You amy say EVERYTHING, about being more CCA based or Sports based rubbish but these are still a part acedamic results see?! Your qualifications will see if you become successful (or maybe just break even to survive) or you fall and become a useless bit of trash to society. So much for heart and stuff, your solid worth is what people will look at, that all they will consider, THAT is the bottom line, and you can't bend it. I am a dreamer.. but I can't dream anymore, the reality hurts so damn bad... Things will NOT work out on thier own if you let "fate" play it's part, you can't dream and hope for everything to go your way or even at least not throw you into a mess.

I just woke up from a nice nap waiting for this page to load, or have I just fallen asleep and begun to dream? I dont know anymore... I cant tell... there isnt much difference, dreams no longer hold comfort or solace... they are just a deary reflection of normal life. How can I assure myself that even now, Here Listening to the deep silence of early morning, the sound of the fan, the moving wind, sound of my fingers typing away at the keyboard... my aching eyes, my slipping glasses weighing surprisingly heavily on the bridge of my nose, my ears aching from having a set of ear-phones in them for hours on end, that everything is real? What do I live for? Do I live, or do I just exist? There is a difference... when you live, you are alive, you ahve something you need to do, that is your destiny. But to exist is just like to be an extra on the set of a tv show.. just walking by, not saying a word, you are there, yet your are nothing, your presence does not make a big difference.

Does my existence count in this wretched school of mine? I know that I LIVE when I am in church, because I am known, I am reconised, I am NEEDED. But else where... I merely exist... or do i EVEN exist? I can't count the familiar yet foreign faces that I see everywhere... Like I am SUPPOSED to know you, but I just cant remember, all I can do is act on instinct if you throw me a hi, I'll just give a reply and lurk away. How long has it been since I saw one of these people? How long has it been since I saw somone from school, whom I rarely see? Two weeks? Three? My old class? In the foyer on that afternoon I spent aimlessly roaming the 3rd floor corridors?

Enough questions. I need answers and I can't find them. Those who know me, you dont know how PRECIOUS and important you are... Why can't I just be born a girl? Expressing emotions and feelings would be so much easier then... wouldnt it? Lesser expectations.. and more leeway on certain things... you may protest but that is how I feel... Beneath all those "jokes" I wish , I truly wish I could wake up one day and find that I WAS and WILL be a girl, to throw all those expectations and pressures away... to just, sit, enjoy the breeze, fresh air and the clear night sky. I know there was no conenction but now im writing on impules, Im no longer thinking it through. I don't care anymore, My fingers dont even feel mine.

Some days I feel like I am in someone and watching that person do things and react to situations, watching through his eyes, thinking "that aint me..right?" Other times I just feel like I am in a third person view, that I see my life play out, and I am watching, like a spectator, or other times I feel that I AM this body that I am like im in control, i can move it any way I want, but yet NOT it... If you ever see me looking at my palm and flexing my fingers, or just hopping or any odd action... I guess I am in that mode..

Whew wrote a cute chunk on auto pilot,very messy and theme-less... I'll end off here
Quote:
Mei2 you1 fang4 bu1 liao1 de1 shi4 qing2, zhi3 you1 fang4 bu1 guo4 de1 xin1 qing2
(In chinese I dun think blogger support cos I tried last time cannot)