Ahh.. Sunday morning, one of the longest streches of time I get with the entire house to myself. I can't imagine how I caould live my week through without this weekly 2 - 3 hours of solid personal time to do whatever my heart desires. And now I have something else I like to do. I like to update this blog ^_^ After last night's post, I feel so exposed and yet... so free. Like now even though no one has read it, I have given the world a chance to reach me. I was so distant, so lonely... so... lost. I hid and ran, further and further away... from everything.
Everyone had this potential to hurt me, so I ran away from everyone... reading manga and watching tons of anime in addition to being my hobby had become an outlet for me to run to... to escape reality.
The characters in the mangas and animes, they cannot possibly exist in real life for that would be too... impossible. These poeople have no school life (as far as we can see) and their parents are virtually non-existant. They can sustain themselves for infinite length of time even though they are only withinh the range of from 12 to 17 years of age. They can get injured or almost die and not a single relative, parent or teacher etc knows. They have anti-gravity hairdos and their cloaks or trench-coats are always flowing in th "wind" even when they are indoors or underground. They are too blind to see the female lead is having a crush on them. I don't know how I defaulted to writing this instead of about me... anyway back on topic.
In my entire life (as far as I can remember) I'm sure no one ever had or ever will have a life like me. I seem alright, yet just a little wierd on the outside but the amount of serious trouble I get into just does not fit my image of being a dedicated student with my glasses and huge heavy school bag and all... Right now I feel real shallow writing all these things down for it is nothing compared to last night's post. What was I thinking?! Spilling it all like that, usually when I make revealing decisions it is late into the night but I wrote it last night at aroun 8:45pm when everyone in my house was watching Tv less than 5 metres away from me?! Im sure I am going crazy telling all thatr stuff...
My mind is waging a war with itself, how could I reveal all that to the public?! Why not? You cannot run and hide forever! But I like things the way they are! This way I will never get hurt! But you don't know you are slipping bit by bit... you are losing your heart... I don't care! That's what I want to do! Deep inside you are just hurt, don't fight it, you have run long enough, you still have a chance to turn back... NO! I don't ever want to be hurt... I have almost finally succeeded in 100% locking away my inner heart and you had to stop me! I am doing this for your own good, you've grown so cold... you didn't even feel a thing at your grandmother's funeral 5 years ago and now 5 years on you are getting worse! I told you before, I don't care! Why do you bother go back to your corner! I should have squashed you from the beggining, I knew this would happen! Squash me out? No way... you can't... I am like your shadow and you are mine, we cannot exist without each other... Grrr... Then just stay out of my way! I will not let you continue burying eveything, You will end up hurting those who care for you! If you don't want to get hurt, can you bear to see others get hurt?! ... Loss of words eh? No! IT's not that.. I don't care two cents about their feelings! Then why did you hesitate to answer? You... Grr... I give up on you, just stay out or my way, you meddling LIGHT! No.. I'm im not light and you are not darkness.. darkness is just the abscence of light... darkness is not a THING you can be. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I Will have no more of this!...
Yeah... so basically that's what's going on in my mind.. a battle. A war, a fight for control... a fight to see how I will continue. Take the easy way and run? Or face it and hurt... I'm just not ready for another blow... after all these years of running... will I ever be normal again? Who knows... I'm sure I don't... I don't know too many things.. what am I living for? Who can I turn to? Will I even turn to someone? What does the future hold? The silence is deafening... So many questions... and no answers at all... Half the time I have no idea what I am doing and once I do... it has been done. Then it starts all over again... the whispers, the stares, the burning shame, the running, the hiding and the brooding.
I'm not good at writing blogs eh? In fact my blog entries are not blogs at all. I don't say what I did or how was my day... I've just been posting pieces of my broken life. Now I have nothing much to say again... weird aren't I. Oh well, even if I did post a blog about my life and what happened it will be VERY boring as my life is... VERY BORING. I don't go out, I dont do interesting things... yeah if you just read my daily life it would be very boring would'nt it? ^_^ Well I'm signing out for now to grab something to eat... I'll be leaving home soon... did'nt know I spent so long on this... cya!
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
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