It's Saturday. About one week after my first post, Im much more used to using this blog. It is obvious that much of my anger has quelled since I first wrote to blow off steam about my D & T teacher. OH! And now that there is actually someone READING, I have edited my posts (Past and Present) to ensure pleasant reading for one and all. *Sigh* Even though I'm no longer angry, It still hurts... Forget that and lets move on to the blog!
I'm very happy! First, As you can see, I found a skin for my blog! YEAH! No more ugly premade blogspot template! It is really cute don't you think? By the way, if you want to know the girl is Chii, an android of sorts and the main character of the anime Chobits. She just looks so cute with that flowing dress and large semi-clueless eyes. ^_^ If she were real I'm willing to bet she will have many suitors but still she's just a semi-robot... X_X
Talking about robots, I want to watch the movie I, Robot but I just can't find the time and company. And the money... I'm always broke. If you know me I'm sure you can tell. My handphone is one old antique. If you want to know it is a Nokia 3310, it's so old it has long lost it's value and now has no trade in value as in it is worth ZERO trade in value. Not even one cent...
On a lighter note... I managed to get someone to read my blog! ^_^ And I found a new person to confide in. (Considering if my schoolmates ever read this, they will not know who I'm talking about) I have found a good listening ear (Even though I myself am one, I cannot confide in myself can i?) in Paula. In case you never knew she is a church friend of mine and on firday after cell while walking home (she live really near me) we just talked and I felt very good after that. To be able to talk like that is very rare so, yeah. If you are reading this Paula, I want you to know how much that little chat meant to me.
I have not much to gripe about and not many complaints this week... Oh yea, Mr Tan Kim Huat (I'll call him TKH from now on) he seems to have quietened down this week after I showed him the owing work he still ignores me and wants to pack me off too ITE but now he lets me sit on the chair at the table with the other pupils. He still is a real pain. When marking our test papers he even said something like "This class ah .. sigh.. if only I had o whole class of people like Jian Guang." That must have really hurt all the people in class even if they didi not say it. After asking those NPCC (TKH is the teacher in charge of our school NPCC CCA) about how is he like,they also say he is a [Inser own expletive] and has a bad temper with a low tolerance for blunders. As if he is perfect...
I realised something today. I'm not as "deep" as I thought I am... I mean I used to write a whole lot about how nobody knows me well and how no one has penetrated this shell of mine to find the "real" me. But now I realise that I'm nothing but a lonely kid who will not admit that all living things need friends and I too need some. Being deprived of that very basic need and brooding over my "fate" alone for long periods of time as an "outcast" from the class etc has made me withdrawn and created a double personality. At school I am "me", at home i hava nother and so on. The thing I fear most is when these multiple lives of mine clash and that's why people like Sean Tan who exist in two frames of my life scare me so much... he might not know it and so may many other people but I treat Sean Tan as a dangerous threat a timebomb ready to explode and spill over creating a mess between the many realms of my life. Once these different "worlds" clash and begin to mix my life will seem in chaos and people from both sides who see the other "me" will begin to wonder at the stark difference between my different faces. I do not have a split mentality problem and I am not crazy. I'm just living in a dream I never want to wake up of, unforturnately, I did and last year was my "alarm clock" as a simple event mixed four of my worlds (If you want to know the more you can e-mail me and once I can assure you are trustworthy to keep it a secret I will try to tell you what I can reveal without destroying all my barriers again) almost destroying my entire being, I lost almost all the few (close and not-so-close) friends I had and to get up again. To amke things worse my dream life was permernantly shattered and my barriers and shields broken once I got up again leaving my vulnerable and unsteady. I dared not face up and did the thing I always did... I ran. I don't know how I got back to life but I know now that things will never be the same again. You can tell I am "runnning" or trying to salvage my "dream" when I have a sort of spaced out (sub-alert) look and I tend to day-dream alot, I also do not seem to concentrate on my present task at hand and have practically no reaction to non-threatening influences.
I have very bad memory as in I can't remember what has happened to me. Either I have buried it too dee p to salvage or somehow they have entered the fourth stage of my memory. Huh? Third stage? I have four stages of memory. The first stage is the immediate usage stage where the things I remember need to be used in the short term eg, homework, orders to get something done, something I heard etc this is also the most unstable memory as I tend to miss out and forget alot in this area. The second stage is long term memory, this is where important things I use quite often like where I live, names of places I've been to recently etc sounds stupid right? Yeah but sometimes I can just walk and forget where I am or where I am going. The third stage is where things that are quite important but not used so often like names of people and how to do something I rarely do (eg, how to work a sailboat) it must sound stupid to you but I really have a hard time rememebring names of people I do not meet often, I give this excuse to my friends, "I do not remember things that are insignififcant to me" but it is really painful, I can meet an old classmate who gives me a hi when we randomly meet and I will have no idea what that guy's name is, this gets really akward when he/she starts a conversation and I just can't answer as my brain is screaming, trying to find his/her name while trying to look like I know what is going on. The fourth and wierdest stage is one I'm not sure even exits. Sometimes when I'm asleep or semi-concious I will dream, and some of these dreams are like very real like I am standing there watching it happen so real like I can reach out my hand and trip myslef. Unforturnately I ond't even know if these dreams are real memories or not and most of the times these dreams are the most painful and most vulnareable moments of my life from long ago situations eg. in primary school. I need and want confirmation but how can i be sure?
I will now state that most of the "past" I actually tell to people is FAKE and that I just make it up to make muself sure I have a past, or at least a past to tell. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings revealing this but yeah. I don't know my past and therefore most things I have told you (If I have ever told you anything) about what I did in the past is just one BIG LIE. Im so sorry... just thinking about this makes me feel like crying...
By writing those last few segments I have broken all barriers and walls to my inner thoughts and now whoever reads my blog will finally know why I act strangely and why I act the way I act and also some of my deepest secrets...
Im not stable enough to continue writing now. And I can't find anything else to write now... this is the end of my lastest and most revealing post or in fact the most revealing thing I have ever written or said about myself. So yeah, bye for now...
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
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