Whooo! Another week gone by, sorry for not updating for so long... ok not too long just a few days. *Sigh* after all the miserable things that have happened this week, I hope next week will be better... huh? miserable things? You'll see in a minute...
First up on tuesday my dad decided to do something horrible. He deletd the OS of my Persocom! Persocom? Woops sorry, (If you follow chobits you will know what I mean) I meant the PC. He complained that too many error messages were popping up all the time and so he decided to reformatt the entire hard-disk and reinstall windows from scratch however I am NOT happy!!! Few weeks ago I uninstalled Kazaa (Duh don't want to get caught right?) and accidentally deleted the entire kazaa folder in Program Files... which included My Shared Folder!!! NOOOO~!! All my videos and about half my mp3s are currently lost forever and with the reformatting of the hard-disk, then every single song I ever had will be gone! Unforturnately... he went ahead with it and now all is lost... I feel so empty...
To make things doubly worse he did not reinstall windows ME... he went and installed Windows 2000 an obviously older and UGLIER version although he states it is more stable... Now let's add in the fact that he installed an anti-virus programme on the computer to keep the system safe which takes up an impressively large amount of space... slowing down the comp considerabaly (dun think I spelt that right...) in fact it seems like it's lagging oh well that was on tuesday 27th and wednesday 28th.
Now on to yesterday... I did a VERY stupid thing. Well you may or may not know that I am a devout (Once again I'm sure that was spelt wrongly) listener of the perfect 10 98.7 FM Especially "say it with music" every weeknight 8 - 11PM. Over the years I have constantly send sms's / tried calling and e-mailing etc. And I only got a call through once before (On Morning Madness on a June holiday) and no sms of mine has ever been read out before until YESTERDAY NIGHT around 10:20PM, I sent a sms for fun declaring my "love" for this Gal in school and LO AND BEHOLD of all the days for me to get LUCKY my dedication was read out!! Now, once my best friend got wind of it, he called me up immediately, of course I said it was for fun but he is very sure that anyone who heard it will take it for real (because she and I quite "pei" and we sort of have the same interests and stuff even though she does not know it...) If I'm not wrong, she would not have heard it (She does not listen to english music) But others WILL!
Was that twist of fate for better? OR for worse? Only time will tell now... Hope no one heard it and decides to make it into a big fuss...
Anyway the scales of my life are tipped way fully on the BAD side but there is ONE thing that holds on the GOOD side, to make up for destroying my persocom *AHEM* reformatting the computer my dad got me a new hp ^_^ It is colour and has a camera (like I've always wanted even though I have no idea what I can use it for) and all the neat stuff quite happy lah.
Sigh... oh well thats all I have to post for now, this has been one of the most nerve-wrecking NON-examination weeks of my entire life. Hope that dedication did not go into any gossipy ears.. oh well Signing off!
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
No matter what I do, No matter how hard I try, the ones I love will always be the ones to pay...~
Friday, July 30, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
27th July Tuesday
*Yawn...* It is around 2:15 AM on a school night / day. Surprising how being busy keeps you up eh? Anyway I've been very busy recently. As you can see, I have changed the skin of my blog and this time, it did not download it off the net ^_^ Yup thats right! I made it on my own! I've been helping a friend of mine edit a skin or two he downloaded off the net for his blog and I realised with my tiny bit of html knowledge I can actually make my own skin so I set out to do so afer helping my friend with his. And after hours (late into this night) I finally completed it! Dosen't it look good? And yeah, the girl in the pic is once again Chii from Chobits, isn't she cute ^_^
Anyway, since Im updating might as well do a through job no?
Yeah! I'm feeling on top of the world today because I found out that one of my essays made it into Inspiration! For the un-enlightened, Inspiration is an annual production by our school english and art department featuring outstanding work from the different levels. I had no idea that my english teacher had entered one of my essays to the HODs and it somehow mangaed to make it into the book! I am rather upset too though. She could have at least told me... When my friends / classmates said that my essay was inside I dismissed it as a joke until I say it with my own eyes. But, in my perspective, that essay was not my best piece of work, my best piece of work was a speech I wrote for an assignment.
Or teacher has given us classwork, which was to write a speech and later present it to the class. As many of the pupils were at a loss of what to do, our theacher gave them a topic they COULD use, "Pupils should not be given holiday homework". I had actually written something else but once I noticed a majority of the pupils had followed the teacher's idea and were speaking out against holiday homework, I took 5 minutes to sketch out a speech on "Why pupils SHOULD be given holiday homework", it won no applause for sure but it was a good speech... either way the teacher would not accept my ilegible and sketchy speech for that assignment on paper... Oh well, it was just to test our oral skills anyway so I doubt even if it was accepted it would not make it into the book. (If you are interested in a copy of my work, feel free to e-mail me and I will gladly send you an autographed copy.. heh ^_^)
Anyway.. I'm now stone tired and ata loss of things towrite so.. yeah signing off... the one and only, great and mighty me! >Boom!< (head explodes from swelling ego)
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Anyway, since Im updating might as well do a through job no?
Yeah! I'm feeling on top of the world today because I found out that one of my essays made it into Inspiration! For the un-enlightened, Inspiration is an annual production by our school english and art department featuring outstanding work from the different levels. I had no idea that my english teacher had entered one of my essays to the HODs and it somehow mangaed to make it into the book! I am rather upset too though. She could have at least told me... When my friends / classmates said that my essay was inside I dismissed it as a joke until I say it with my own eyes. But, in my perspective, that essay was not my best piece of work, my best piece of work was a speech I wrote for an assignment.
Or teacher has given us classwork, which was to write a speech and later present it to the class. As many of the pupils were at a loss of what to do, our theacher gave them a topic they COULD use, "Pupils should not be given holiday homework". I had actually written something else but once I noticed a majority of the pupils had followed the teacher's idea and were speaking out against holiday homework, I took 5 minutes to sketch out a speech on "Why pupils SHOULD be given holiday homework", it won no applause for sure but it was a good speech... either way the teacher would not accept my ilegible and sketchy speech for that assignment on paper... Oh well, it was just to test our oral skills anyway so I doubt even if it was accepted it would not make it into the book. (If you are interested in a copy of my work, feel free to e-mail me and I will gladly send you an autographed copy.. heh ^_^)
Anyway.. I'm now stone tired and ata loss of things towrite so.. yeah signing off... the one and only, great and mighty me! >Boom!< (head explodes from swelling ego)
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
25th July Sunday
Ahh.. Sunday morning, one of the longest streches of time I get with the entire house to myself. I can't imagine how I caould live my week through without this weekly 2 - 3 hours of solid personal time to do whatever my heart desires. And now I have something else I like to do. I like to update this blog ^_^ After last night's post, I feel so exposed and yet... so free. Like now even though no one has read it, I have given the world a chance to reach me. I was so distant, so lonely... so... lost. I hid and ran, further and further away... from everything.
Everyone had this potential to hurt me, so I ran away from everyone... reading manga and watching tons of anime in addition to being my hobby had become an outlet for me to run to... to escape reality.
The characters in the mangas and animes, they cannot possibly exist in real life for that would be too... impossible. These poeople have no school life (as far as we can see) and their parents are virtually non-existant. They can sustain themselves for infinite length of time even though they are only withinh the range of from 12 to 17 years of age. They can get injured or almost die and not a single relative, parent or teacher etc knows. They have anti-gravity hairdos and their cloaks or trench-coats are always flowing in th "wind" even when they are indoors or underground. They are too blind to see the female lead is having a crush on them. I don't know how I defaulted to writing this instead of about me... anyway back on topic.
In my entire life (as far as I can remember) I'm sure no one ever had or ever will have a life like me. I seem alright, yet just a little wierd on the outside but the amount of serious trouble I get into just does not fit my image of being a dedicated student with my glasses and huge heavy school bag and all... Right now I feel real shallow writing all these things down for it is nothing compared to last night's post. What was I thinking?! Spilling it all like that, usually when I make revealing decisions it is late into the night but I wrote it last night at aroun 8:45pm when everyone in my house was watching Tv less than 5 metres away from me?! Im sure I am going crazy telling all thatr stuff...
My mind is waging a war with itself, how could I reveal all that to the public?! Why not? You cannot run and hide forever! But I like things the way they are! This way I will never get hurt! But you don't know you are slipping bit by bit... you are losing your heart... I don't care! That's what I want to do! Deep inside you are just hurt, don't fight it, you have run long enough, you still have a chance to turn back... NO! I don't ever want to be hurt... I have almost finally succeeded in 100% locking away my inner heart and you had to stop me! I am doing this for your own good, you've grown so cold... you didn't even feel a thing at your grandmother's funeral 5 years ago and now 5 years on you are getting worse! I told you before, I don't care! Why do you bother go back to your corner! I should have squashed you from the beggining, I knew this would happen! Squash me out? No way... you can't... I am like your shadow and you are mine, we cannot exist without each other... Grrr... Then just stay out of my way! I will not let you continue burying eveything, You will end up hurting those who care for you! If you don't want to get hurt, can you bear to see others get hurt?! ... Loss of words eh? No! IT's not that.. I don't care two cents about their feelings! Then why did you hesitate to answer? You... Grr... I give up on you, just stay out or my way, you meddling LIGHT! No.. I'm im not light and you are not darkness.. darkness is just the abscence of light... darkness is not a THING you can be. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I Will have no more of this!...
Yeah... so basically that's what's going on in my mind.. a battle. A war, a fight for control... a fight to see how I will continue. Take the easy way and run? Or face it and hurt... I'm just not ready for another blow... after all these years of running... will I ever be normal again? Who knows... I'm sure I don't... I don't know too many things.. what am I living for? Who can I turn to? Will I even turn to someone? What does the future hold? The silence is deafening... So many questions... and no answers at all... Half the time I have no idea what I am doing and once I do... it has been done. Then it starts all over again... the whispers, the stares, the burning shame, the running, the hiding and the brooding.
I'm not good at writing blogs eh? In fact my blog entries are not blogs at all. I don't say what I did or how was my day... I've just been posting pieces of my broken life. Now I have nothing much to say again... weird aren't I. Oh well, even if I did post a blog about my life and what happened it will be VERY boring as my life is... VERY BORING. I don't go out, I dont do interesting things... yeah if you just read my daily life it would be very boring would'nt it? ^_^ Well I'm signing out for now to grab something to eat... I'll be leaving home soon... did'nt know I spent so long on this... cya!
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Everyone had this potential to hurt me, so I ran away from everyone... reading manga and watching tons of anime in addition to being my hobby had become an outlet for me to run to... to escape reality.
The characters in the mangas and animes, they cannot possibly exist in real life for that would be too... impossible. These poeople have no school life (as far as we can see) and their parents are virtually non-existant. They can sustain themselves for infinite length of time even though they are only withinh the range of from 12 to 17 years of age. They can get injured or almost die and not a single relative, parent or teacher etc knows. They have anti-gravity hairdos and their cloaks or trench-coats are always flowing in th "wind" even when they are indoors or underground. They are too blind to see the female lead is having a crush on them. I don't know how I defaulted to writing this instead of about me... anyway back on topic.
In my entire life (as far as I can remember) I'm sure no one ever had or ever will have a life like me. I seem alright, yet just a little wierd on the outside but the amount of serious trouble I get into just does not fit my image of being a dedicated student with my glasses and huge heavy school bag and all... Right now I feel real shallow writing all these things down for it is nothing compared to last night's post. What was I thinking?! Spilling it all like that, usually when I make revealing decisions it is late into the night but I wrote it last night at aroun 8:45pm when everyone in my house was watching Tv less than 5 metres away from me?! Im sure I am going crazy telling all thatr stuff...
My mind is waging a war with itself, how could I reveal all that to the public?! Why not? You cannot run and hide forever! But I like things the way they are! This way I will never get hurt! But you don't know you are slipping bit by bit... you are losing your heart... I don't care! That's what I want to do! Deep inside you are just hurt, don't fight it, you have run long enough, you still have a chance to turn back... NO! I don't ever want to be hurt... I have almost finally succeeded in 100% locking away my inner heart and you had to stop me! I am doing this for your own good, you've grown so cold... you didn't even feel a thing at your grandmother's funeral 5 years ago and now 5 years on you are getting worse! I told you before, I don't care! Why do you bother go back to your corner! I should have squashed you from the beggining, I knew this would happen! Squash me out? No way... you can't... I am like your shadow and you are mine, we cannot exist without each other... Grrr... Then just stay out of my way! I will not let you continue burying eveything, You will end up hurting those who care for you! If you don't want to get hurt, can you bear to see others get hurt?! ... Loss of words eh? No! IT's not that.. I don't care two cents about their feelings! Then why did you hesitate to answer? You... Grr... I give up on you, just stay out or my way, you meddling LIGHT! No.. I'm im not light and you are not darkness.. darkness is just the abscence of light... darkness is not a THING you can be. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I Will have no more of this!...
Yeah... so basically that's what's going on in my mind.. a battle. A war, a fight for control... a fight to see how I will continue. Take the easy way and run? Or face it and hurt... I'm just not ready for another blow... after all these years of running... will I ever be normal again? Who knows... I'm sure I don't... I don't know too many things.. what am I living for? Who can I turn to? Will I even turn to someone? What does the future hold? The silence is deafening... So many questions... and no answers at all... Half the time I have no idea what I am doing and once I do... it has been done. Then it starts all over again... the whispers, the stares, the burning shame, the running, the hiding and the brooding.
I'm not good at writing blogs eh? In fact my blog entries are not blogs at all. I don't say what I did or how was my day... I've just been posting pieces of my broken life. Now I have nothing much to say again... weird aren't I. Oh well, even if I did post a blog about my life and what happened it will be VERY boring as my life is... VERY BORING. I don't go out, I dont do interesting things... yeah if you just read my daily life it would be very boring would'nt it? ^_^ Well I'm signing out for now to grab something to eat... I'll be leaving home soon... did'nt know I spent so long on this... cya!
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends, From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
24th July Saturday
It's Saturday. About one week after my first post, Im much more used to using this blog. It is obvious that much of my anger has quelled since I first wrote to blow off steam about my D & T teacher. OH! And now that there is actually someone READING, I have edited my posts (Past and Present) to ensure pleasant reading for one and all. *Sigh* Even though I'm no longer angry, It still hurts... Forget that and lets move on to the blog!
I'm very happy! First, As you can see, I found a skin for my blog! YEAH! No more ugly premade blogspot template! It is really cute don't you think? By the way, if you want to know the girl is Chii, an android of sorts and the main character of the anime Chobits. She just looks so cute with that flowing dress and large semi-clueless eyes. ^_^ If she were real I'm willing to bet she will have many suitors but still she's just a semi-robot... X_X
Talking about robots, I want to watch the movie I, Robot but I just can't find the time and company. And the money... I'm always broke. If you know me I'm sure you can tell. My handphone is one old antique. If you want to know it is a Nokia 3310, it's so old it has long lost it's value and now has no trade in value as in it is worth ZERO trade in value. Not even one cent...
On a lighter note... I managed to get someone to read my blog! ^_^ And I found a new person to confide in. (Considering if my schoolmates ever read this, they will not know who I'm talking about) I have found a good listening ear (Even though I myself am one, I cannot confide in myself can i?) in Paula. In case you never knew she is a church friend of mine and on firday after cell while walking home (she live really near me) we just talked and I felt very good after that. To be able to talk like that is very rare so, yeah. If you are reading this Paula, I want you to know how much that little chat meant to me.
I have not much to gripe about and not many complaints this week... Oh yea, Mr Tan Kim Huat (I'll call him TKH from now on) he seems to have quietened down this week after I showed him the owing work he still ignores me and wants to pack me off too ITE but now he lets me sit on the chair at the table with the other pupils. He still is a real pain. When marking our test papers he even said something like "This class ah .. sigh.. if only I had o whole class of people like Jian Guang." That must have really hurt all the people in class even if they didi not say it. After asking those NPCC (TKH is the teacher in charge of our school NPCC CCA) about how is he like,they also say he is a [Inser own expletive] and has a bad temper with a low tolerance for blunders. As if he is perfect...
I realised something today. I'm not as "deep" as I thought I am... I mean I used to write a whole lot about how nobody knows me well and how no one has penetrated this shell of mine to find the "real" me. But now I realise that I'm nothing but a lonely kid who will not admit that all living things need friends and I too need some. Being deprived of that very basic need and brooding over my "fate" alone for long periods of time as an "outcast" from the class etc has made me withdrawn and created a double personality. At school I am "me", at home i hava nother and so on. The thing I fear most is when these multiple lives of mine clash and that's why people like Sean Tan who exist in two frames of my life scare me so much... he might not know it and so may many other people but I treat Sean Tan as a dangerous threat a timebomb ready to explode and spill over creating a mess between the many realms of my life. Once these different "worlds" clash and begin to mix my life will seem in chaos and people from both sides who see the other "me" will begin to wonder at the stark difference between my different faces. I do not have a split mentality problem and I am not crazy. I'm just living in a dream I never want to wake up of, unforturnately, I did and last year was my "alarm clock" as a simple event mixed four of my worlds (If you want to know the more you can e-mail me and once I can assure you are trustworthy to keep it a secret I will try to tell you what I can reveal without destroying all my barriers again) almost destroying my entire being, I lost almost all the few (close and not-so-close) friends I had and to get up again. To amke things worse my dream life was permernantly shattered and my barriers and shields broken once I got up again leaving my vulnerable and unsteady. I dared not face up and did the thing I always did... I ran. I don't know how I got back to life but I know now that things will never be the same again. You can tell I am "runnning" or trying to salvage my "dream" when I have a sort of spaced out (sub-alert) look and I tend to day-dream alot, I also do not seem to concentrate on my present task at hand and have practically no reaction to non-threatening influences.
I have very bad memory as in I can't remember what has happened to me. Either I have buried it too dee p to salvage or somehow they have entered the fourth stage of my memory. Huh? Third stage? I have four stages of memory. The first stage is the immediate usage stage where the things I remember need to be used in the short term eg, homework, orders to get something done, something I heard etc this is also the most unstable memory as I tend to miss out and forget alot in this area. The second stage is long term memory, this is where important things I use quite often like where I live, names of places I've been to recently etc sounds stupid right? Yeah but sometimes I can just walk and forget where I am or where I am going. The third stage is where things that are quite important but not used so often like names of people and how to do something I rarely do (eg, how to work a sailboat) it must sound stupid to you but I really have a hard time rememebring names of people I do not meet often, I give this excuse to my friends, "I do not remember things that are insignififcant to me" but it is really painful, I can meet an old classmate who gives me a hi when we randomly meet and I will have no idea what that guy's name is, this gets really akward when he/she starts a conversation and I just can't answer as my brain is screaming, trying to find his/her name while trying to look like I know what is going on. The fourth and wierdest stage is one I'm not sure even exits. Sometimes when I'm asleep or semi-concious I will dream, and some of these dreams are like very real like I am standing there watching it happen so real like I can reach out my hand and trip myslef. Unforturnately I ond't even know if these dreams are real memories or not and most of the times these dreams are the most painful and most vulnareable moments of my life from long ago situations eg. in primary school. I need and want confirmation but how can i be sure?
I will now state that most of the "past" I actually tell to people is FAKE and that I just make it up to make muself sure I have a past, or at least a past to tell. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings revealing this but yeah. I don't know my past and therefore most things I have told you (If I have ever told you anything) about what I did in the past is just one BIG LIE. Im so sorry... just thinking about this makes me feel like crying...
By writing those last few segments I have broken all barriers and walls to my inner thoughts and now whoever reads my blog will finally know why I act strangely and why I act the way I act and also some of my deepest secrets...
Im not stable enough to continue writing now. And I can't find anything else to write now... this is the end of my lastest and most revealing post or in fact the most revealing thing I have ever written or said about myself. So yeah, bye for now...
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
I'm very happy! First, As you can see, I found a skin for my blog! YEAH! No more ugly premade blogspot template! It is really cute don't you think? By the way, if you want to know the girl is Chii, an android of sorts and the main character of the anime Chobits. She just looks so cute with that flowing dress and large semi-clueless eyes. ^_^ If she were real I'm willing to bet she will have many suitors but still she's just a semi-robot... X_X
Talking about robots, I want to watch the movie I, Robot but I just can't find the time and company. And the money... I'm always broke. If you know me I'm sure you can tell. My handphone is one old antique. If you want to know it is a Nokia 3310, it's so old it has long lost it's value and now has no trade in value as in it is worth ZERO trade in value. Not even one cent...
On a lighter note... I managed to get someone to read my blog! ^_^ And I found a new person to confide in. (Considering if my schoolmates ever read this, they will not know who I'm talking about) I have found a good listening ear (Even though I myself am one, I cannot confide in myself can i?) in Paula. In case you never knew she is a church friend of mine and on firday after cell while walking home (she live really near me) we just talked and I felt very good after that. To be able to talk like that is very rare so, yeah. If you are reading this Paula, I want you to know how much that little chat meant to me.
I have not much to gripe about and not many complaints this week... Oh yea, Mr Tan Kim Huat (I'll call him TKH from now on) he seems to have quietened down this week after I showed him the owing work he still ignores me and wants to pack me off too ITE but now he lets me sit on the chair at the table with the other pupils. He still is a real pain. When marking our test papers he even said something like "This class ah .. sigh.. if only I had o whole class of people like Jian Guang." That must have really hurt all the people in class even if they didi not say it. After asking those NPCC (TKH is the teacher in charge of our school NPCC CCA) about how is he like,they also say he is a [Inser own expletive] and has a bad temper with a low tolerance for blunders. As if he is perfect...
I realised something today. I'm not as "deep" as I thought I am... I mean I used to write a whole lot about how nobody knows me well and how no one has penetrated this shell of mine to find the "real" me. But now I realise that I'm nothing but a lonely kid who will not admit that all living things need friends and I too need some. Being deprived of that very basic need and brooding over my "fate" alone for long periods of time as an "outcast" from the class etc has made me withdrawn and created a double personality. At school I am "me", at home i hava nother and so on. The thing I fear most is when these multiple lives of mine clash and that's why people like Sean Tan who exist in two frames of my life scare me so much... he might not know it and so may many other people but I treat Sean Tan as a dangerous threat a timebomb ready to explode and spill over creating a mess between the many realms of my life. Once these different "worlds" clash and begin to mix my life will seem in chaos and people from both sides who see the other "me" will begin to wonder at the stark difference between my different faces. I do not have a split mentality problem and I am not crazy. I'm just living in a dream I never want to wake up of, unforturnately, I did and last year was my "alarm clock" as a simple event mixed four of my worlds (If you want to know the more you can e-mail me and once I can assure you are trustworthy to keep it a secret I will try to tell you what I can reveal without destroying all my barriers again) almost destroying my entire being, I lost almost all the few (close and not-so-close) friends I had and to get up again. To amke things worse my dream life was permernantly shattered and my barriers and shields broken once I got up again leaving my vulnerable and unsteady. I dared not face up and did the thing I always did... I ran. I don't know how I got back to life but I know now that things will never be the same again. You can tell I am "runnning" or trying to salvage my "dream" when I have a sort of spaced out (sub-alert) look and I tend to day-dream alot, I also do not seem to concentrate on my present task at hand and have practically no reaction to non-threatening influences.
I have very bad memory as in I can't remember what has happened to me. Either I have buried it too dee p to salvage or somehow they have entered the fourth stage of my memory. Huh? Third stage? I have four stages of memory. The first stage is the immediate usage stage where the things I remember need to be used in the short term eg, homework, orders to get something done, something I heard etc this is also the most unstable memory as I tend to miss out and forget alot in this area. The second stage is long term memory, this is where important things I use quite often like where I live, names of places I've been to recently etc sounds stupid right? Yeah but sometimes I can just walk and forget where I am or where I am going. The third stage is where things that are quite important but not used so often like names of people and how to do something I rarely do (eg, how to work a sailboat) it must sound stupid to you but I really have a hard time rememebring names of people I do not meet often, I give this excuse to my friends, "I do not remember things that are insignififcant to me" but it is really painful, I can meet an old classmate who gives me a hi when we randomly meet and I will have no idea what that guy's name is, this gets really akward when he/she starts a conversation and I just can't answer as my brain is screaming, trying to find his/her name while trying to look like I know what is going on. The fourth and wierdest stage is one I'm not sure even exits. Sometimes when I'm asleep or semi-concious I will dream, and some of these dreams are like very real like I am standing there watching it happen so real like I can reach out my hand and trip myslef. Unforturnately I ond't even know if these dreams are real memories or not and most of the times these dreams are the most painful and most vulnareable moments of my life from long ago situations eg. in primary school. I need and want confirmation but how can i be sure?
I will now state that most of the "past" I actually tell to people is FAKE and that I just make it up to make muself sure I have a past, or at least a past to tell. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings revealing this but yeah. I don't know my past and therefore most things I have told you (If I have ever told you anything) about what I did in the past is just one BIG LIE. Im so sorry... just thinking about this makes me feel like crying...
By writing those last few segments I have broken all barriers and walls to my inner thoughts and now whoever reads my blog will finally know why I act strangely and why I act the way I act and also some of my deepest secrets...
Im not stable enough to continue writing now. And I can't find anything else to write now... this is the end of my lastest and most revealing post or in fact the most revealing thing I have ever written or said about myself. So yeah, bye for now...
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
22rd July Thursday
It is Thursday! After Racial Harmony Day in school. I Dare say NEVER EVER let our class host anything in which food is on us. I tell you, the longest queue will only be for the toilet. To offer out other nice school-mates who put in much more effort and planning that we did (We only began planning everything at 12pm on the day the emergency exercise was held which is 20/7) we gave them ice rock satay with cold satay sauce, some pot of reddish liquid i dare to call curry, red flvourless jelly, steamed chickpeas (The best and safest item yet) and some indian snacks that can be bought for $1 a packet. Unless you also want to include the rose syrup. Im not griping much here but in fact I'm Just writing to clam my nerves.
CALM MY NERVES
Why? Becos tommrrow is Friday and the first 5 periods on friday is D & T. I have never been good with making things with my hands (Unless trouble is included) and I still am not, compared to making some stinking metal or plastic chunk of trash, GIVE ME A BOOK ANYDAY. Did you know? I got the highest marks for the D & T theory for Mid-Year ^_^ But after coupling it with my horrible practical marks I failed D & T X_X Anyway I made a terrible mistake of making enemies with a teacher I would be sticking with for the next one year and four months. I tell you that Tan Kim Huat is really spoiling for trouble, how dare he curse me to go to ITE, I'll send him a nice basket of explosives and another one to Mr Raymond Fong... Heh hope hades enjoy's his new playthings ^_^
Back to racial harmony day, I surprised myself this racial harmony day, I have never felt so foreign in this place I have been studying in for about 3 and a 1/2 years. All the familiar yet buried faces with all the not-so familiar and yet-unexplored faces staring at me. I just felt to exposed... Anyway, concerning the way some people dressed. Come on, if you want to dress in revealing clothes by all means go ahead, It IS your body and your life but please... don't flaunt it. I heard that a duo of girls who wore really short tight skirts went up to the second floor and strategically placed themselves in a postion where a onlooker from the first floor would be able to umm... how to express it ... see whatever the skirt is (barely) hiding. Im not complaining but someone else might so... yeah. (Anyway I missed it DARN)
Anyway today I did it again. I broke my 1 hour time limit and just went to hang out with Shan An and his Sis, Oh and Esmond. I learnt something about myself today, I have become immune to verbal fire! Also Esmond is like one of the roughest and most "you want a piece of me? Just try it!" kind of person I've seen. Surprisingly his verbal backlash is not harsh at all, in fact his bark cannot be compared to his bite! Heard he took one of Zhenlong's trade mark kick and didn't even twitch. This guy must be from mirrodin... he must have metal plates all over his being.
Anyway I learnt something about Andy, Kim Tian's (Shan An's sis) "guy". Heard that he does not dare to fight opponents strnger than he is. If you do not keep challenging yourself, you will never get stronger. Also I'm quite sure he wil not fight for Kim Tian's honour if the need arises... hey man, if you ever read this go find the song "Glory of Love" it is quite old but a new version was sung by some band recently so it should not be too hard to find.
I have found two soul songs for myself. The first is an untitled song I have on my comp from who knows when? But it totally explains my inner feelings... but you will never find out who she is :P
Untitled Song
Out here in the quiet of the night,
Beneath the stars and moon
We both know we've got somethin' on our minds
We won't admit, but it's true
You look at me, I look away.
(Chorus)
I wanna tell you what I'm feeling,
but I don't know how to start
I wanna tell you, but now I'm afraid that
you might break my heart
Oh, why should anything so easy,
ever be so hard to do?
I wanna tell you what I'm feeling, and to
say that, I love you...
I practice all the things that I could say,
Line by line, every word
I tell myself today will be the day,
But every time, I lose my nerve
I look at you, you look away
(Chorus)
Oh, Why do you turn away?
It must be, you're afraid like me
I try, but I can't pretend that I
Don't feel for you the way I do
Can't you see?
(Chorus x2)
This are the lyrics for the first song, and the second song is "Obviously" by McFly (?) This song I heard on the radio one night and the chorus just hit me right in the face. "'Cause obviously, She's out of my league,I'm wastin' my time 'Cause she'll never be mine I know i never will be good enough for her.No, no, Never will be good enough for her..." *snaps out of trance* Anyway I've written too much...
I think that's all im writing for this span of time... I think i've really REALLY written too much... now i gotta go service me archmage account. Anyway if any of you want to play archmage (again) it is up and running by a new company you can find it exactly as it was at http://www.the-reincarnation.com/ k? Goodnite and yes I will always end with my now fixed ending "quote":
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
CALM MY NERVES
Why? Becos tommrrow is Friday and the first 5 periods on friday is D & T. I have never been good with making things with my hands (Unless trouble is included) and I still am not, compared to making some stinking metal or plastic chunk of trash, GIVE ME A BOOK ANYDAY. Did you know? I got the highest marks for the D & T theory for Mid-Year ^_^ But after coupling it with my horrible practical marks I failed D & T X_X Anyway I made a terrible mistake of making enemies with a teacher I would be sticking with for the next one year and four months. I tell you that Tan Kim Huat is really spoiling for trouble, how dare he curse me to go to ITE, I'll send him a nice basket of explosives and another one to Mr Raymond Fong... Heh hope hades enjoy's his new playthings ^_^
Back to racial harmony day, I surprised myself this racial harmony day, I have never felt so foreign in this place I have been studying in for about 3 and a 1/2 years. All the familiar yet buried faces with all the not-so familiar and yet-unexplored faces staring at me. I just felt to exposed... Anyway, concerning the way some people dressed. Come on, if you want to dress in revealing clothes by all means go ahead, It IS your body and your life but please... don't flaunt it. I heard that a duo of girls who wore really short tight skirts went up to the second floor and strategically placed themselves in a postion where a onlooker from the first floor would be able to umm... how to express it ... see whatever the skirt is (barely) hiding. Im not complaining but someone else might so... yeah. (Anyway I missed it DARN)
Anyway today I did it again. I broke my 1 hour time limit and just went to hang out with Shan An and his Sis, Oh and Esmond. I learnt something about myself today, I have become immune to verbal fire! Also Esmond is like one of the roughest and most "you want a piece of me? Just try it!" kind of person I've seen. Surprisingly his verbal backlash is not harsh at all, in fact his bark cannot be compared to his bite! Heard he took one of Zhenlong's trade mark kick and didn't even twitch. This guy must be from mirrodin... he must have metal plates all over his being.
Anyway I learnt something about Andy, Kim Tian's (Shan An's sis) "guy". Heard that he does not dare to fight opponents strnger than he is. If you do not keep challenging yourself, you will never get stronger. Also I'm quite sure he wil not fight for Kim Tian's honour if the need arises... hey man, if you ever read this go find the song "Glory of Love" it is quite old but a new version was sung by some band recently so it should not be too hard to find.
I have found two soul songs for myself. The first is an untitled song I have on my comp from who knows when? But it totally explains my inner feelings... but you will never find out who she is :P
Untitled Song
Out here in the quiet of the night,
Beneath the stars and moon
We both know we've got somethin' on our minds
We won't admit, but it's true
You look at me, I look away.
(Chorus)
I wanna tell you what I'm feeling,
but I don't know how to start
I wanna tell you, but now I'm afraid that
you might break my heart
Oh, why should anything so easy,
ever be so hard to do?
I wanna tell you what I'm feeling, and to
say that, I love you...
I practice all the things that I could say,
Line by line, every word
I tell myself today will be the day,
But every time, I lose my nerve
I look at you, you look away
(Chorus)
Oh, Why do you turn away?
It must be, you're afraid like me
I try, but I can't pretend that I
Don't feel for you the way I do
Can't you see?
(Chorus x2)
This are the lyrics for the first song, and the second song is "Obviously" by McFly (?) This song I heard on the radio one night and the chorus just hit me right in the face. "'Cause obviously, She's out of my league,I'm wastin' my time 'Cause she'll never be mine I know i never will be good enough for her.No, no, Never will be good enough for her..." *snaps out of trance* Anyway I've written too much...
I think that's all im writing for this span of time... I think i've really REALLY written too much... now i gotta go service me archmage account. Anyway if any of you want to play archmage (again) it is up and running by a new company you can find it exactly as it was at http://www.the-reincarnation.com/ k? Goodnite and yes I will always end with my now fixed ending "quote":
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always have problems.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
17th July Saturday
My first post! New to blogging so Ge Wei Ching Duo Duo Zhi Jiao!
This site is where i rant and rave and stark like the lunatic I am,
I'm a tortured soul in a useless shell. This is my Day.
16/7/04 - Friday
You must be wondering why I even write a blog when no one cares
enough to read mine, well more on that later but I just want you
to know you are not compelled to keep on reading and if you do I...
1) Dun want ur Pity
2) Dun need ur Charity
3) Know my life dumps but still live it (Too bad if you were hoping)
First 5 periods was 1 bloody subject D & T. Had i known these would
happen I would have never taken D & T as a subjet. Tan Kim Huat that
Fat ... For the sake of modesty and respect let's just leave it there, Last
year Mr Raymond Fong foiled my life this year it is the Fat [insert own expletive]'s turn,
I swear those teachers get a kick out of draining me...
So he is pissed. Yeah I didn't hand in my folio blada blada blada but that
is no warrant to take my freedom! From now on everyday after school
before i leave the compound a teacher has to sign this cursed Notebook
and I have to be home by an hour of the noted time or I will be in a board
meeting with Hades before i know it...
He can insult and scold me but this is too much. Yeah TOO MUCH, You
see this TAN KIM HUAT?? What choo going to do?! Find me? Detain me?
I don't give a [insert own expletive]. But he humiliated me in front of the class. This new
class of mine is my only chance to start ANEW and HE BLEW it! I WILL BLOW
HIM! He cursed me, stating his dream is to see me in ITE next year and that he
would never help me. He looks DOWN on me! Says the fat [insert own expletive].
He will NOT ACCEPT my work, NOT AGREE to see me and he CAN'T be bothered with me
anymore... or so he says. I wll show him, I will achieve my dream and secure
my future as a journalist or a DJ.. Mock me not HE will pay DEARLY!!
He made me lose recess, called up my mom. Over emphasised certain small
facts and made a big hoo ha over nothing much. I can't stand it but I must endure
the same way i ENDURED the whole of last year 2003. Now I still miss that class,
even though I was always an outcast. I had a place... a challenge. Something I
liked to do but this year there was no LIT classes.. THAT was the most crushing
blow to me. My new classmades are UNCOUTH, LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING,
NOISY AND REAL-DAMINNIT FRIGGIN STUPID!! Almost every single one of the
41 other idots with me have either no brains or just act stupid. Our class only
has a few true workers... 6 to be exact but all the other 5 of them are nothing compared
to the trill my GOOD OL' 3I 2003 / 4I 2004 could / can / would give me.
After recess was E Math, no more Mr Fong but a new semi-chio Female Cher
Miss Shim. Her pale face and skin looks like something out of a ghost
video.. freaky. Se teaches SO DAMN slowly I'm sure we are MILES BEHIND
SCHEDULE. But she is kind of concerned about our class and she IS our
permernant Math teacher. I can't imagine us being taugth by her for our
O-Level year. The whole class will surely FLUNK MATHS. Mr Fong however
hated is still MUCH MUCH better than she is.
Then Chinese... My "FAVOURITE" subject. Mrs Angela Chan is also our form
teacher making chinese half Admin half Teaching but she is quite a good
teacher except for her low treshold for our CLASS NONSENSE.
Ignoring MR TAN KIM HUAT'S ristriction order, I stayed out at central today,
slacking from 3pm to 5:30pm He will no doubt find out but that period of time
risked was well worth it.
You must be wondering why I even wirte a blog if no-one I know will come
and read it. (I never gave the URL away you see ^_^) I write simply to relieve
my anger and fustration from my aching heart. I want to shout at the teachers
and the staring faces, make them understand, make them know the person
INSIDE. This shell is terrible... It's FAT, UN-FIT, NOT ATHELETIC AT ALL,
HOPELESSLY CLUMSY and worst of all IT DOES NOT RELFECT THE ME INSIDE!!
When will my outside reflect my inside?
Sometimes I envy those beasts of the wild, all they needed was a belly
full of meat and a warm nest to be satisfied. Our intellect may be more
of a burden to us than a blessing.
That's all for now, it's really late so I too had better catch some shut eye
even though I have nothing much on tommrrow... Later on today.
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends
From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than
figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always
have problems.
This site is where i rant and rave and stark like the lunatic I am,
I'm a tortured soul in a useless shell. This is my Day.
16/7/04 - Friday
You must be wondering why I even write a blog when no one cares
enough to read mine, well more on that later but I just want you
to know you are not compelled to keep on reading and if you do I...
1) Dun want ur Pity
2) Dun need ur Charity
3) Know my life dumps but still live it (Too bad if you were hoping)
First 5 periods was 1 bloody subject D & T. Had i known these would
happen I would have never taken D & T as a subjet. Tan Kim Huat that
Fat ... For the sake of modesty and respect let's just leave it there, Last
year Mr Raymond Fong foiled my life this year it is the Fat [insert own expletive]'s turn,
I swear those teachers get a kick out of draining me...
So he is pissed. Yeah I didn't hand in my folio blada blada blada but that
is no warrant to take my freedom! From now on everyday after school
before i leave the compound a teacher has to sign this cursed Notebook
and I have to be home by an hour of the noted time or I will be in a board
meeting with Hades before i know it...
He can insult and scold me but this is too much. Yeah TOO MUCH, You
see this TAN KIM HUAT?? What choo going to do?! Find me? Detain me?
I don't give a [insert own expletive]. But he humiliated me in front of the class. This new
class of mine is my only chance to start ANEW and HE BLEW it! I WILL BLOW
HIM! He cursed me, stating his dream is to see me in ITE next year and that he
would never help me. He looks DOWN on me! Says the fat [insert own expletive].
He will NOT ACCEPT my work, NOT AGREE to see me and he CAN'T be bothered with me
anymore... or so he says. I wll show him, I will achieve my dream and secure
my future as a journalist or a DJ.. Mock me not HE will pay DEARLY!!
He made me lose recess, called up my mom. Over emphasised certain small
facts and made a big hoo ha over nothing much. I can't stand it but I must endure
the same way i ENDURED the whole of last year 2003. Now I still miss that class,
even though I was always an outcast. I had a place... a challenge. Something I
liked to do but this year there was no LIT classes.. THAT was the most crushing
blow to me. My new classmades are UNCOUTH, LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING,
NOISY AND REAL-DAMINNIT FRIGGIN STUPID!! Almost every single one of the
41 other idots with me have either no brains or just act stupid. Our class only
has a few true workers... 6 to be exact but all the other 5 of them are nothing compared
to the trill my GOOD OL' 3I 2003 / 4I 2004 could / can / would give me.
After recess was E Math, no more Mr Fong but a new semi-chio Female Cher
Miss Shim. Her pale face and skin looks like something out of a ghost
video.. freaky. Se teaches SO DAMN slowly I'm sure we are MILES BEHIND
SCHEDULE. But she is kind of concerned about our class and she IS our
permernant Math teacher. I can't imagine us being taugth by her for our
O-Level year. The whole class will surely FLUNK MATHS. Mr Fong however
hated is still MUCH MUCH better than she is.
Then Chinese... My "FAVOURITE" subject. Mrs Angela Chan is also our form
teacher making chinese half Admin half Teaching but she is quite a good
teacher except for her low treshold for our CLASS NONSENSE.
Ignoring MR TAN KIM HUAT'S ristriction order, I stayed out at central today,
slacking from 3pm to 5:30pm He will no doubt find out but that period of time
risked was well worth it.
You must be wondering why I even wirte a blog if no-one I know will come
and read it. (I never gave the URL away you see ^_^) I write simply to relieve
my anger and fustration from my aching heart. I want to shout at the teachers
and the staring faces, make them understand, make them know the person
INSIDE. This shell is terrible... It's FAT, UN-FIT, NOT ATHELETIC AT ALL,
HOPELESSLY CLUMSY and worst of all IT DOES NOT RELFECT THE ME INSIDE!!
When will my outside reflect my inside?
Sometimes I envy those beasts of the wild, all they needed was a belly
full of meat and a warm nest to be satisfied. Our intellect may be more
of a burden to us than a blessing.
That's all for now, it's really late so I too had better catch some shut eye
even though I have nothing much on tommrrow... Later on today.
G'bye , Ja Ne , Syonara , Zai Jian
I Run, From Life, From People, From Hardships, From Problems, From Friends
From Familiar Faces, From Love, From Myself. For Running is easier than
figuring out what else to do - solve problems it may not, but life will always
have problems.
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