Watashi ga Taosenai

Service today was wonderful. I don't know if it was the powerful movement during worship, the ministry time after worship or the atmosphere of the sermon itself but things felt different- good different, real. It was beautifully timely with regards to the little outbursts I had yesterday- but it also invited more questions then it provided answers. {superrandomup}Suddenly macross, do you remember love?{superrandomover} Hmmm, a full 5 day week in camp ahead and this long awaited weekend seems to be less then spectacular- at least less then I had envisioned it in my mind's eye. The feel/mood just isn't there after going back to camp. Its like your mind literally changes completely rewired. And I owe the NLB books again.

Sometimes I feel this and sometimes I feel that, sometimes I don't know what I feel sometimes I'm not even sure if what I feel is what I am feeling or just what I think it feels like but at times like this I feel that I feel way too little. The flow of ideas should be familiar, I've done it about a bajizillion times before. Do you mean what you say, do you feel it as truth all the time? Is everything you portray true to who you are? Then again, how does one know who one is- do you have any idea who you are? To yourself, to others.

I am iron man, too sturdy already. Can't fall sick and can't get injured even if I want to (read want to, not try too) so while everyone is getting status and dropping out left and right I am left to be a good, long suffering soldier. I really am beginning to hate this, but with God's help hanging on is all I can do.

Relapsing back into the emo kind of mood again. going back to camp brings this sort of change the rain helps the load but does nothing for the mood. I want to run away-

All of a sudden I don't want to go to ROC :( Send someone else instead!

Quote of e Post:
Why does it always rain on me

Explodet

Seems like the facebook era of notes is over and the era of quizzes is upon us! Quizzes about everything from what nationality you "really" are to stupid things like when will you die or what mythical animal are you. It is all in good fun of coure but the sheer number of poorly created quizzes will get to you. Eventually.

Dinner out was wonderful, even if a whole bunch of people were missing. If only I had remembered to draw money before going off I'd really have gotten a good meal out of it! What a pity T_T THESE DAYS SHOULD NEVER END!! Six hundred and twenty four thousand one hundred and two pizzas for one xD

I don't want to complain but the prospect of a full week in camp really does nothing at all for my optimism. Just being in there is stifling, somehow choking in ways I can't explain.

The weekend is really too short since Im totally full up on activities- come back saturday morning and 3 hours later Im off to GE where I'll probably be till night and if we throw dinner into the mix thats my day up till 10pm or so. That is Saturday. Sunday starts off in the afternoon at 12pm (but I usually wake up in the late morning, plus there is nothing going on in the earlier morning that we can get to on SUNDAY) and I am fully booked until 6pm. Book in is at 10pm. Now does one see how I like have no time to do misc stuff like browse the library, watch movies, hang out and the like? Its not like I'm complaining but the weekend really flies by too quickly to be of any substance. And I am beginning to grow tired of having no breaks back to back.

I WANT TO GET AWAY!!!!!!!!

Try to take leave for Jun 18 to 20th for Round Up, hopefully it will serve me very well :) But like all things, try la- try. Since I have no idea when ROC is going to end and if the allow me to go on camp (practically overseas leave) while on "off".

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to explode. Gragghhh, I don't know what I feel anymore.

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night

I can't tell, maybe...

baby all i need is time

Quote of e Post:
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you

Back in Black

THIS IS A COMPLAINT POST D: so skidaddle if you're looking for some proper content haha

You know the saying that is never rains but pours? I'm getting very well acquainted with the concept by virtue of being back in camp, and its been only two days! First up, our juniors are here but somehow guard duty is still partially our responsibility! Wow! To make things better I originally was not slated to do any duty last night but a bunk mate hurt his foot (actually its an old injury flareup, which to be honest I find very convenient - did I mention he isn't doing RT tomorrow either?)

So anyway, from no duty and a good night's sleep to guard duty with a bossy BOS. Tio kan by the BOS for talking on duty, its not like I'm not looking for neglecting my job, I'm just talking to the gate IC, who is also doing his job. (The CCTV guy had no excuse, he was outside the room all the screens were in haha) Other than that and a very uptight evening (The BOS decided to sleep over at the guard house) good thing we managed to maneuver our way out of doing staff parade and miraculously evaded no less then 3 turnouts! All by being on duty.

Thank God OC wasn't in camp the past few days due to the Army safety and innovation day (which is a total farce if only you knew the "brilliant" ideas the award winners had) which left us relatively free from pain and terror.

Oh crap I ahve to go back now, more tomorrow! Yay Rangers!

Little House

Work is done! Deployment is OVER!! Going back to Maju on Wednesday :3 Can't wait for the coming weekend so I can see everyone again!

It has been half a year since I produced anything, until this morning (or yesterday if you want to be picky about it) Perhaps it was the rain, perhaps it was the 4 cups of coffee swimming in my system, perhaps it was the soft ticking of someone's clock in the pitch dark room, perhaps it was the music on my player. I don't know, but it wasn't pleasant- which in a way was precisely what I wanted.

Waha, I got tagged by Alicia to do this :P So I will! Now all I need is for this to pop up on facebook too and I can just do my best copypasta :)

1:Besides your lips,where is your favorite spot to get kissed?
-Back of the neck :3

2:How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
-(You meant this evening) Hopeful

3:Who was the last person you took a photo with?
-All the Rangers :D Too many to name

4:Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
-Sometimes it dawns upon me that I'm too blessed but then at times, nah- I am

5:Would you ever donate blood?
-I would if they found a way to do it without needles >.<

6:Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
-Yep

7:Do you want someone dead?
-Used to, but then you soon find there are things worse then death in life

8:What does your last text message says? (from me or to me?)
-"... its ok de, time is not a problem for me"

9:What are you thinking of right now?
-What to do tomorrow hmmm

10:Do you wish someone was with you right now?
-Right now? Like as compared to every single moment? Who does not?

11:What time did you get to sleep last night?
-(Once again, you mean this morning) An unholy 11am

12:Where did you buy the t-shirt you are wearing now?
-Didn't buy it, it was given from 2008 WCG Asian Championships Singapore Finals :D (disclaimer: I was NOT a participant-)

13:Is someone on your mind right now?
-Yeah...

14:Who was the last person who texted you?
-Rongsheng

15:10 people to do this quiz
1) Cheryl
2) Paula
3) Norman
4) Qian Xiang
5) Dilys
6) Jonathan
7) Joel
8) Anna
9) Wai Keat
10) Baoyi


16:Who is 2 having a relationship with?
-Shawn! At least I think it is spelled like that haha

17:Is 3 a male or female?
-Male

18:If 7 and 9 can together,is that a good or bad thing?
-Very very very bad haha

19:What is number 1 studying now?
-Rushing homework, or so she says ;)

20:Is number 4 single?
-I suppose so, wouldn't be surprised even if he weren't

21:Say something about number 5
-None, read - not a single one of us will forget you even if you leave for years

22:What do you think about number 3 and 6 being together?
-Super Bad, why are all my pairings homo? =/

23:Describe number 1
-The cutest, period.

24:What will you do if number 6 and 7 fight?
-Watch the fun and maybe join in to stop 7 from stomping 6 flat haha

25:Do you like number 8?
-Yes :D She's smacking brilliant!
___________________________________________________________________________

There done! haha, if you read it you MUST do it, or I will flooooooood your FB wall with nonsense (you can start with [Airman will not die] xD)

Okay, will update again shortly: grr my SATA 160gb HDD is dead D:

Quote of e Post:
Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about

Okkusenman

My Memories are 110 Million
I’ve done this when I was a kid
It’s a faded memory
A red and white cap on my head
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

When I was a kid, a fond memory
When I eat curry and stuff
Silver spoons on my eyes
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(In the forgotten photo album)
I can’t go back to those times
(Photos of myself doing stupid things)
Anymore
(Laughing with friends)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Where are those guys now?
What are? they doing?
The answer is still unclear
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The courage you gave me is
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Dramatic

We’ve done this when we were kids
Wearing the 3D glasses
That came with magazines
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Memories we’ve forgotten as we grew up
Revives vividly
Making an L with our arms
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(Opening the aged diary)
I can’t go back to those times
(On the faded pages)
Anymore
(The name of my first crush)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Now I just look back to those times
I was able to laugh innocently
Unaware of inpure things
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The scenery I’ve overlooked was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Graffiti
The courage you gave me was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that? have passed were
Dramatic
_______________________________________________

I guess most people won't care to look too much past the screechy singing (which I feel adds the raw emotion needed for the song anyway) and strange theme (ultraman right, who actually watches that, huehuehuehue BR >.>) but the lyrics do mean something that strikes a rare chord_ I cannot but weep. The idea was nostalgia, fair enough. Poor guy in the video, at least he managed to remember and enjoy the past before it was too late.

How is it when one is young as a child, anything was possible (the idea is widely propagated to the children by every grown up as a form of encouragement anyway) but as one grew you'd learn there were very specific social slots one would have to fall into and the people you once chased dreams with fell along the wayside into paths of their own choosing or wherever life dragged them. As the script of ones life continues unfolding soon you'll find yourself thankful for doing the same and it is hard to shake out of the monotony and ask: What happened to those times long ago, not so much the silly things you did as kids but the ambitions and energy. The excitement of life and courage to dream granted by those dreams - all suppressed, downplayed impracticality. I don't want to live like that.

Deployment is all over, I'm going back to Maju next week probably for good (till ORD if OC SD has his way with the deployment). A good thing would be now I will be able to go for Rangers every week (yay!) The bad thing? No more cell ever... and I won't have any internet connection throughout the week save for Saturday afternoon till Sunday night- during which I will be busy outside anyway.

Hmm, I've already submitted my admission to NUS (again) for this year and maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty. Although it IS true that there isn't many other options open right now it would have helped to give the entire thing some thought. Maybe economics isn't as inaccessible as I had imagined- maybe I will find something to love in the multilayered mess that business seems to be. Maybe there is some merit in another course I hadn't considered or even in another university where it would be easier to get a course of my choice (maybe) despite it having less prestige. I don't know, I can't look into the future and I cannot turn back the clock either.

Stress is bad on the heart, best not stress oneself up too much. Any more heart wrenching / gut twisting and my insides will all go out of funk (if they already aren't) [ RANDOM ] Hmm, even though the translated title goes under My Memories are (worth) 110 Million the song itself only makes reference to the number 110 billion- a disturbing lack of consistency. Need at proper moontalk speaker to figure out of okkusenman is 110 million or 110 billion [ RANDOM ]

Quote of e Post:
The courage you gave me is
110 billion! 110 billion!

MISSING NOTICE

Haha, sure is good to be back and type a post in real time :3

I got some rather disturbing news concerning the state of my deployment (actually all our deployment) but I am not at liberty to reveal anything. Crap_ if the news is true it would be totally unfun. But for now everything is cool, all the television you can watch (when you're not doing anything), irregular work hours, no direct superiors above you, free flow iced water (squeee!!) and almost free flow coffee (drool). Haha, deployment is like heaven and in camp is hell on the "relax" scale.

I haven't written anything new in a long time. It just isn't coming you know- I guess it was true then...

Artists paint, we are artists too, but we paint in words.

Pain, love, tragedy, hate, longing - such are our drugs, our catalyst to set in motion a great work

Long term overuse results in many symptoms including but not limited to mental instability, loss of touch with reality, disillusionment, acute awareness, confusion, emotional fluctuation, substance abuse, split personalities, irregular sleep patterns, waking nightmares, living dreams, fitful sleep, inexplicable cravings and impulses, withdrawal from societal norms and in some cases death (as a by product, not the final work)

People exhibiting such symptoms should seek help without delay wherever they can find anyone they can trust who is willing to listen and sift through mountains of rabble.

This is a public service announcement. Thank you.

Also:

MISSING

Have you see this girl?

[Picture removed for anonymity]

Was last seen between the lines of sanity and madness, dreams and reality. Has not been seen or heard of physically since. She has delicious black eyes and has naturally black hair with cherry pink lips. Was last seen wearing her heart on her sleeve and clothed in moonlight.

Frequently haunts places with caffeine, dreams and each waking moment.

Call 9248-37-63 (wait-fr-me)

Reward: Eternal gratitude

Merely Earth

Sunday morning. CET starts today if I remember correctly, and I was looking forward to it too (well, alright- just to see what my class is about haha, I don't even remember what class I'm in) A-level results were just out and while I'm not up to date with how many people did (who am I kidding, I know no one save one) as I suspected it was a small step up from last year's results give or take a little as the tutors have got a better grip on what the SEAB is looking for.

Even though the trailer is barely airing in Singapore I've just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. Based on the novels of the same title- it really is a movie that sits snugly in the romantic comedy category (more comedy then romantic though) and by that virtue alone it sits high on my list. The plot is simple and while predictable, provides a watcher with no prior knowledge of the story a decent entertainment experience. I give it a respectable 3.5 out of 5 - if watching alone. But add company up to a bunch of friends and I will give this 4 out of 5 :) Good stuff to laugh and bond over.

You can own the earth and still
All you own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

It has always been a powerful song but there is an impact that I haven't felt till recently. You can own the earth and still ALL YOU OWN is earth. You can have everything, but until it means something, all you have is just that - it has a cost but no worth, no value. Cost and worth are very different things. And that line (the cost and worth quote, is from Confessions by the way) really struck a chord with me. Something may cost you everything, but what is it worth? And there are things whose worth outweighs all else, which will cost you dearly - not materially but it will demand of your life - and in that way, cost you nothing but that much which is allocated to it. Like Cordelia says to Lear, she loves her as much as her duty dictates, no more no less- which is in quantity far more then her sisters whose fanciful compliments to "love their father all" count for. Limited and defined but still true and of immeasurable depth.

Why is it difficult to share one's true feelings? What makes it so much harder for introverts and people who have to think through each move? I find that it is fearfully frightening to shift the balance of power. By handing the truth over to the other party, the power to make or break is in their hands and to us, such a risk carries the potential for a devastating response. A rejection is hard to swallow but what I feel is scarier is the possibility that the other party actually agrees, what then? What can one do based upon a feeling or ideal, what can one substantiate a relationship upon beyond the bindings of awkward unfamiliarity. A feeling can be strong but beyond a feeling that will fade as quickly as it overcame you what then. Will it live and flourish upon the gnarly soil of uncertainty? That is the hurdle, that is the limitation which cannot be easily overcome.

Quote of e Post:
Tripping over myself
I'm going nowhere

Your Call

And im tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

I am so tired of being all alone. Is it such a crime, to feel affection for more then one person? To want to build a connection that is more than casual with the people you know, not just a few but a whole range? To really get close and intimate with who they are behind closed doors, without all the masks, personas, suits and titles. Think what you will, but really? All I want to do is talk and in return to hear and understand what their souls are saying, not their lips.

In the moonlight, your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds I suppose
And you hair flows like the ocean breeze
Not a million fights could make me hate you
You're invincible yea its true
Its in your eyes that I find peace

I remember when I first heard about you. We were on bikes, cycling along the coast and I heard him talking about how you two sat under the moonlight on that rock. It was probably at that time, when an image of who you were began forming in my minds eye. When you materialised in the flesh it would feel as the song said: "I knew I loved you before I met you, I must have dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." I remember, telling someone (or no one) after getting to know you a little, that you were the person I had dreamt of being, brought to life as another before my very eyes - it was a living miracle. Irresistable, your very existance calling to me like no one else did. Never before did I feel the need to have and hold, to keep safe and protect, to know and understand any one single person. The intensity is unparallelled.

I don't mind writing this- I don't even care what is public or private anymore. I am the only one who would bother enough, who would even consider to look through archives, to read more then is written, to read what is written but encoded in plain sight, to encode what I want to but dare not say into harmlessness. No one would care to even know it is there, to suspect something is amiss. I'm making more then one post out of this session and I know no one reads more then the latest one. So I don't care, I'm writing it here. I am besotted with you Chelmin Lim, I have been ever since I've known you and I'll do more then anything to find you again.

If anyone actually reads this (or if by some cruel trick google picks up the use of a proper noun structure in a name search and comes upon this post) rest assured I do feel slightly (very) apprehensive to posting "sensitive" content for all the world on the internet but what choice do I have. It will tear its way out of my chest sooner or later and keeping it in is killing me. I will keep doing my best to be someone you can be proud of. I may not be your intellectual or emotional equal but that is what mystifies me and enraptures my heart. I'd take that chance.

If one gets here on raw endurance having tried to read everything on the page then by golly, would I ever like to meet someone who expresses such a great interest in my life and ramblings. Such people always leave a deep impression and are not easily forgotten_ which is also why I want to take a great interest in the lives of as many people as I'd care to- to leave that deep impression upon their lives.

Quote of e Post:
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Everybody Lies

I've been having some food cravings the past few days, for pizza (their 2 for 1 advertisements are really quite effective) and thai food (more precisely thai express's soft shell crab curry set- i blame it wholly on the delicious wallpaper of all us ERs on the desktop). The long awaited day of booking out has finally arrived! The three days shifts have always been received with dread because it always seems to drag on and last far longer. The three day shifts under the new shift system are even worse because it only precedes a dreary weekend spent within these walls. How horrid!

Its annoying how there is not a wireless connection anywhere nearby to leech on within the KINS, granted it IS rather remote but even in camp we are surrounded by schools left and right and there is a faint (but unusable) signal to be picked up on but here? Nothing! Not a drop! The worst part? I actually heard that there IS a wireless connection to leech nearby - witnessed by previously deployed people but I can't find it. Grrr.

Having precious little to do (alright, I have books to read but I am particularly lazy to do anything that resembles study or work) I actually stumbled upon the folder where I tucked all the little farewell gifts I gave to my classmates when we graduated from SR a little over one year ago. How hard I tried to craft something from the little I knew of these people who spent nearly two years me! I must admit that other then hanging out with Jerrold and Victor there was pitifully little interaction with the rest of the class :/ It is a little late to regret it now but joining this and the little conversations I had with Jonathan on the bus it does seem schooling is rather pleasant. I'm sure its just the "grass-is-greeener-on-the-other-side"syndrome acting up again. Even though I know my grades were pulled purely on the grace of God, maybe if I had actually worked more on it I wouldn't have tanked so hard on Econs... Even God has to have something to work with to multiply into a miracle haha.

Sometimes don't you feel like a prisoner trapped within this world? Within the well defined shores of our island home, within the controlled chaos of the world and its dying rules and infrastructure. If even America can fall, the rest of the world won't be long after. Its a restless egging that says softly but relentlessly - there must be more. It is at times such as these that the old verse comes to mind- This world is not my home, I'm just a passer by. In the world but not of the world.

Darn, it is only nearly 9am and before I've gotten round to being sleepy the false knocks of "hunger" aka mouth itchy are rousing. Boo, now I'll have a hard time falling asleep haha. I'm just soooo lazy xD

Based purely on experience I can concur that the Rachel Ray show outstrips the Martha Steward morning show by far when it comes to being entertaining, The Rachel Ray show is nearly on par with Ellen DeGeneres but her raspy voice and lack of guests make her show quite lacking in comparison, but I do so enjoy her tips on decorating on a budget and her today's dinner segment, ever tantalizing. Night time television past 12 also extends itself to dramas like Desperate Housewives (mon), Greys Anatomy (tues), Nip//Tuck (not my kind of show but the Bravo coy medic loves it) and my favorite; House (Only once a week on fridays, how unfair is that? But Friday also has Survivor *squeal*) The point of this passage? That there is so little to do at night we are resolved to milk the television of all entertainment value haha. Sad but true.

I like House. He is cool- if being cool means one is a "misanthrope", a "cynic" and a "curmudgeon" haha_ no wonder I think I'm becoming kind of like him haha. A cynic, a misanthrope (which means someone who distrusts or views humanity with disdain) and a curmudgeon (an ill tempered person full of stoic old ideas and opinions)- heck! I'm even becoming lame like he is (i mean he has to walk with a cane cos his left leg is crippled but you get the lame bit) haha. Todays title is a tribute to him haha its his "trade mark phrase"": Everybody lies

Quote of e Post:
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
The world you must have crossed

Mad Houses

Why are there two posts today? Well, today Bravo left and Foxtrot took over and the handing over process is a long and noisy affair which ahs no boundaries. From 8am to 1pm I was repeatedly interrupted from any semblance of rest by the unearthly racket of discontent human traffic and the shifting of stores in and out of the compound. The walls of this room are thin enough to let one hear anyone in the room next door singing, offering very little protection against noise, much less the kind made by unprofessional movers. Once I fell asleep at around 1.15pm (the abrupt end to the sms trail on my phone told me as much) I had put a decent but insufficient 5 hours of rest behind me to awaken at 6, in time to resume my usual ritual and duties.

I was flipping through my phone (what is left of whatever is inside it anyway- since the internal memory is inaccessible) and I found an old note with an interesting quote:

Mad houses are large and only too numerous; yet surely it is strange they are not larger, when we think of how many helpless wretches must throw their brains against this hopeless persistence of the orderly outward world, as compared with the storm and tempest, the riot and confusion within: -when we remember how many minds must tremble upon the narrow boundary between reason and unreason, mad today and sane to-morrow, mad yesterday and sane to-day. (Lady Audley's Secret, May Elizabeth Braddon)

While the source has been unverified it is safe to say this little marvel of the human ingenuity does indeed strike a chord of truth. Where does the line between a great thinker and a raving lunatic end? I have never believed that insanity is a medical problem that can be treated simply with medication. When the mindis involved it is no longer merely treating an ailing tissue or organ, there is intelligence beneath that which one cannot hope to retain while altering the chemical make up of its physical form.

The mind and the heart have been clearly separated when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions but when one considers that the heart is merely a large muscle that never stop pumping, shunting old blood one side and shooing fresh blood another- it seems wholly foolish to blame any feelings on this poor overestimated organ of ours. Modernity has found the source to be the unassuming grey matter in our skulls, the weak, flimsy lump that accounts for so much more then we would have guessed. Do we then live within the confines of our mind, truly living within that place since its content is the only difference we share with one another?

Alright enough prattling, I have a bad stomachache (I don't think lunch agreed with me) and I have to change, last shift! I'm so looking forward to going back home <3

Quote of e Post:
You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises

Desperate People

One of the great yet small comforts of the world (in my humble opinion) is being able to sit somewhere silently, with pleasant music of your choice with a book; and in that peacfulness just allow yourself to be absorbed into what you're reading. To not merely see and process the words but to understand and grasp the feelings and intent behind each sentence and paragraph. That is why I enjoy reading the "life story" of people, not exactly autobiographies but as a story, revealing the persons life as you read on. Well written it will seem as though you have aged and lived with that person, actually being there when each individual influential moment of their life unfolded and watching them grow into the person they eventually became and died as.

People these days grow up faster- some even argue that children grow up too fast. But what exactly does one mean by "growing up"? Is it the exposure to more mature themes and ideas that usually are associated with adults? The acquirement of a range of emotions and understanding that comes with the wisdom and experience of age? The ability to understand and handle more responsiblity and tasks simultaneously? Teens are as adequately equipped as any adult to face any task just as well or even better. Mature themes and ideas are not merely avaliable but thrown in the faces of the young, bombarding them as they grow up through the media and society around them. Experience and the maturity it proffers is the only thing that still can't be replaced by any guide book or tutorial. Seeing how the peope of the past differ from the people of today- sure we may be far more efficient and comfortable but it on the whole happiness and productivity have fallen. Perhaps it is better to grow living through things rather then plucking it out of the drama unfolding around us.

The common cry of the young of our generation (pardon this old man) the newer generations is heard from every spectrum of the economic and social spectrum- IM BORED! SO SIAN! Even at a tender age of ten to fifteen, these newts barely acquainted with the world behave with a disdain that comes from a man at his deathbed, one who has spent all their life chasing every conceivable pleasure of the world and having lived it all discovers that all is mere foolishness. What is the meaning of this? I believe that even though they have yet to live through life in their physical time, they have lived far too long via proxy. They may have never experienced falling in love, losing a family member, getting married, giving birth to their first child etc etc but they have already seen, heard and felt it all through the world around them, via proxy. Too normal, too simple, too mundane - too boring. Life just isnt living enough anymore with nothing new in it. "Oh I've already read about that 20 years ago, its no big deal". Bringing me back to the point - life is more worth living if we grow up actually living it rather then only "experiencing it".

Tried to say goodbye and I choked
Tried to walk away and I stumbled
Though I try to hide it its clear
My world crumbles when You are not near
You're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes its You i see
You're everything I know that makes me believe
Im not alone
When I look at the stars
I see someone else

Its not surprising to see that many secular songs are just as adept as being praise as any other (once we change the subject in question)

Quote of e Post:
And Im tired - of being all alone
And these solitary moments make me want to come back home

I have Control

Normally one would be unable to type anything ie blog in the KINS since everything you type out there on the computers are encrypted, even notepad files - so I cant even type out ny thoughts there and bring it home on my ext hdd. But now with a laptop its so simple and intuitive. Just type it out on the laptop and upload it when I have access to the internet anytime in the future.

I want to really thank Jonathan for giving ne this opportunity, it really can only be God's plan and timing, Not only did He meet my need but God also used it as a way to meet someone else's need! Im only sorry that Dilys couldn't get her pink netbook replacement (or it'd be a triple deal, I know how frustrating it is to have an incomplete "collection") That just goes to show how amazing our God is. Im still not used to typing on a laptop keypad but i believe i will get used to it very soon. As long as I keep practicing it will soon come to me, the biggest difference I feel now is the lack of a home and end key, this layout has its own dedicated delete key so I have no complaints there.

Sure a laptop isnt powerful enough to play games properly ie- L4D but like Jon said, its made for WORK, and work is what I plan to do with it :3 A computer for dedicated surfing, chatting, watching videos and typing does not need to be powerful- heck it can even be rather weak and still work out perfectly fine.

Life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I really dont give alot of thought to BGR (Not surprisingly considering the past miserable track record I have if one would even call that a track record) but hearing Jonathan talk about marriage and saving money along with the fact we're really not that far apart age wise (I am living in a very complex denial system, my age to me is my real age give and take minus 2 or 3 years, so imo now Im only a very decent 17 or 18- not 21) is rather jarring. Shocking but true.

我等的人她在多元的未来？
我排着队拿着爱的跑马牌-

This person, Lord, am I to seek her our will our paths cross eventually? Is she out there asking the same questions- hoping her destined one will fall into her lap along the passage of time? Is it true that one can't help but wait_ even "golden couples" break and up and go their seperate ways; the punishment for taking fate into your own hands? Or the result of trying to fit round pegs into square holes?

Its not like I'm beginning to feel desperate or anything like that. Its just that suddenly life seems super short- I'm already 21, and our life expectancy is around 60 to 70 so one can already consider their life one-third over! Isn't that horrifying? Does it put you on your toes, feeling like your days are numbered to do what you've been put on earth to do? To accomplish everything you want to? Its sobering isn't it?

Even though the setting is highly distruptive- I do not regret taking up the calling to serve in AR simple because there is this huge need there that I see can and should be filled. These boys are growing up, they are gaining a sense of self-awareness that has to be properly appreciated to reach the person within, beyond the outburst of noise and energy outside. And to have God introduced to them as soon as possible, to let God have this tight hold on their lives before the self begins to grow too strong and the cloud of doubts and rationalization settle down to steal them away from their roots. Royal Rangers exist not only to reach and teach boys and girls, but also to keep them within the folds of christian fellowship. At the end of the day I can see now that it isn't so much what you do as what you impart to the person. I dare say if not for Rangers my life would be very different now, and i believe not for the better.

Teach me to worship You
Teach me to adore You
I want to love You, with my whole being

Quote of e Post:
One can only live with dignity, you can't die with dignity - death is always ugly