Tumbling Down

Just came back from lit night. Ive had a lousy day and an uber painful ulcer to boot. Somehow after watching through the entire programme, seeing the elated smiles of the performers celebrating at the end, the past students reunion and all the festive cheer- I just felt very upset, angered even. Like a deep oppressive stone just fell into my chest and sunk deep in pulling everything down with it. Like Id never be happy ever again.

All that talent, that devotion, that passion. Surging forth, -wasted. Am I envious? Absolutely.

I HATE YOU!!
Am I still dreaming?
Things we'd never say.
I dont believe you! Its all lies.
You never believed me~
Never gave me a chance
GO AWAY! Its over!
Why, how did things become like that
And NOW you come crawling back to me
Expecting me to accept you?
After all you've done
No, I dont expect anything
Then why are you back? You want to return dont you?

Damnnit!

I want to change! I want to quit! To quit and become a normal person, live a normal life. To love and be loved without any guilt. But you, and you and you, so many of you. Pulling, tugging me down all the time. The burden of everything you're doing wrong legalised into a norm. But I dont want that! I want to throw it all away!! I want to go BEYOND! I want to get my life back on track! I want to break away!! But im weak! In every way imaginable, Im weak, Im at a loss!

It all went downhill from there, where?! Three Us and a C with what is most likely another U or S coming my way. I hate this week, its been bad, no. Worse. How do I ask? What do I say? Where am I to find $500 or $90? Need? Lost? Responsiblity! My fault! Why should you pay? Bottom of the bell curve. Not the way to go.

"Mr Loh is part of your class, take good care of him" What? Care? Who? Who cares? The painful laughter? You dont care, because I never cared about you either. YOURE RIGHT, im a selfish bugger... All I care about is myself, my wants, my satisfaction, my survival. But I cant change on the spot~ I dont want to celebrate chinese new year. I dont want to meet anyone who knows me, hell I dont want to meet anyone who does not know me. Im not realistic? Not awake? My dream conciousness is more effective then I am in reality? Reality? Am I still dreaming or am I awake? Let me sleep, and dream, the perfect dream, for eternity.

I cant face problems? I dont live in reality? What problems, they arent problems till they kill me.

All the signs of trouble, all the red flags popping up. No one asks me if im alright. Because no one cares a hoot about someone who does not care a hoot about them. I think I just hit paydirt.

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I can't look you in the eye