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WARNING! LONG POST AHEAD

This week has been one unlike any other. *deep breath* SO enjoyable, with none of the guilt :P

Its so rare that I actually get more than 2 days to myself after being in camp and all. First off, on wed night the entire unit got a free treat to watch a soccer match at Jalan Besar Stadium. Sure it may have only been SAFFC against Perak FC (yea the Malaysians) but to be able to go out is in itself a privilege! I may just begin to appreciate football =P Yea right. But it was quite interesting, even though we had to watch our team being grounded into a 2 nil loss. D: Despair, how to go 2010 world cup like this?! Singapore soccer standard overall still sucks lol.

We got to book out after that. YES, on Wednesday night. Thursday was cross country at Macritchie Reservoir (Its like Singaporeans have no other place to go for cross country runs...) naturally I was a non-competitive runner. The best part was running as a section, running alone tires you out quickly but running (alright, jogging) together makes the distance less noticeable.

We went out for lunch after that. And en route to Bishan to take the bus Jabba (like the Hutt? lol, no just his nickname) took us on a shortcut through RJC. Walking through those halls (alright, so we actually only passed through the canteen and multi story carpark) brings something to mind- we're actually quite old aren't we? Seeing all these young 16 and 17 year olds bring fond memories of years passed by. At the other exit there was this fence with a large dent at the top and a chair next to it. Seems like it has been specifically used to escape from school since its behind the buildings facing a long stretch of road (no witnesses) and is near the bus stop. *chuckles* those brainiacs sure plan well huh. (will get a picture one of these days)

And since our wonderful OC (who ran first in his age category during the cross country anyway- quite a feat in our eyes seeing how umm pudgy he is) declared everyone was to take leave on Friday we had the rest of the day to ourselves! And a long weekend to boot!

Was going to go slack around on Friday but I ended up going to help Jimmy's friends do their filming for some project. Polytechnic life is really very different from life in a Junior College. The first thing you notice is the atmosphere, without the uniforms and the sheer variety of designs the different faculties are splashed in coupled with the ever present stream of life the entire campus itself seems so vibrant and lively.

At night, went for dinner with my cell instead of having cell. Had dinner at Swensens! Tsk- sinful sinful... but then again, when was the last time I actually overate and then gorged on ICE CREAM? Longer than I can remember haha. There are never enough opportunities to spell out how much these people have impacted and added value to my life. I love HG2T, may we be slow to separate- even if the inevitable end does draw closer each day. (No pictures though, its with Dilys- why is she the one with the camera? Hmmm-)

Saturday and Sunday passed uneventfully, plenty of rest to tackle the rest of the week ahead. I'm looking forward to Friday once more. (well technically Sunday or Saturday night since thats when I'm actually free)



That was the Counting Crows cover "Big Yellow Taxi" feat Vanessa Carlton. Lovely song, check out the lyrics for a more meaningful ride.

This week has been totally fabulous, now I hope everything I traded away in exchange was worth it.

Quote of the Post:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

Faint Image

Emotional overhaul and upheaval early in the morning, mellowing out over the entire day- numb and prickly.

*Points down* And that is why I don't blog at 1am in the morning.

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Thriving in solitude has been mistaken as my life story
I want to blame it on someone else - It's so difficult

_dramatic_

Forget about what I'm supposed to do. Forget about what I've done. Forget all about all I am supposed to be as a soldier, as a person. I miss this feeling, I miss being able to write freely, even though what I created wasn't stellar. I miss talking, unguarded with everyone.

When did this begin, when did everything begin- the ravenous spiral of lies and maybes. Maybe it was the first time I felt the thrill, of leaving everything behind in the embarking of a new and exciting journey. Within a world where nothing else mattered save myself, and reality was all that my imagination defined it to be. When did I begin to question what everything is, and how everything is defined by each individual, different from me, different from what I imagined it could be. And I began to explore, the world of words- plain and empty, open to interpretation, my meanings open to myself alone.

Being around people, who lived in a world different from mine. Remote through a thick curtain which light could barely even pass through, much less words. Your voices, reaching, distorted through the void. A soft voice, kind yet full of sorrow, calling me from somewhere far away. Should I have run, or pushed through the folds of time, piling upon each other in a tangle that will never come loose.

Instead I wrote. I dived and tunneled into this new world that I had found. If... I didnt have this paper and pencil, what would I have done? Being alone amongst all these people.. how would I have lived? All the while believing I was ok because I had my pencil and paper. Writing gave me life and protected me- it let me move forward and helped me fight my battles. But now, I can't find it, not anymore, not ever again.

Having lost the spark, there was a dull monotony which I couldn't deal with. I withdrew, and let us fight our battles. Face our fears and bathe in our glory. And little by little, I faded away. The more I faded, the most it consumed me, the shadow of the spark that wanted to create something once more. Being unable to answer myself was worse then having to ignore the world- I was always there, and I can't escape myself. I wanted desperately to go back to the time when everything was alright. To become the normal person with infinite untapped potential once more and the ability to sculpt life in words.

I'd fight with all I had and swear if I were ever to stop writing, at that moment i would return my life to you. There was always a soundless scream coming from your backs as I watched you(s) leave me behind again and again.

Then one came along. You gave me a reason to break that shell, to see that the perfect life I was living wasn't at all. A farce that no one would be fooled by, a farce that was a baffling in its simplistic logic as its pointlessness.

And for once, I heard a small voice. It told a truth so plain it hurt. Its absurd thinking that your life is meaningless if you dont leave something behind. Just living is enough.

And my eyes opened. I sought to find others like myself, to tell them that its alright to have nothing to live for. That its fine if you lose everything, if you don't know who you are or where you're going as long as you live on. Just living is enough. Enough hurting, enough fighting, we'll lay our arms down today.

sdrow erom on, one call
Heya, hows life?
Good
(You'll probably cry alot again)
Are you alright?
(Don't cry for somone who made you cry)
Yep, I'm fine
(There really isn't anything left here anymore is there?)
Im doing well here too, take care of yourself and dont work so hard
(why?)
Sure, send them my regards
(When things get out of hand, call me)
I'll catch up with you soon
(why...)
Sure, bye
(because I love you)
Good night
(I could tell, yet another thing tying me to this world, is unraveling...
----------------------------------------------------

All I wanted was to hear your non-mono-syllabic reply.

The gentle rain falls above us. Only for the people who miss each other, it will be _dramatic_

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With the precious thing broken, can we still be reunited again someday? The remaining scar won’t vanish, yet we have to go to our own separated place.

6 SIR

Insane is as far as insane goes, but I'm getting a little sick of the insanity. Just a itty bitty bit.

My new posting really balls. 3 days and I'm all ready to flip, 2 years of this nonsense and Ill really blow. An infantry life isn't one bit physically easy, I guess QX will have his prediction after all.

I have to stop here and sleep or I'm dead tomorrow.

2 more days

2 days to D day. The past week- total insanity. Equivalent trade kicks in hard, so hard I still am unable to comprehend what has transpired. Having managed to dodge a draft of despise such as this since a year back, it was an unwelcome jolt back to the old school. What differentiates us, the people with different rights to speak flippantly of how they feel. One an attention seeking monkey, the other a shell of his former mischief making ways. I never did look down upon any one of you up till the moment you turned it around on me. So thats peer appraisal, and happy memories, all down in one shot, rising in a ball of phoenix flame- waiting, screeching to rise again.

ITS NOT FAIR! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS, WITHOUT EVEN A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF- imsureicanfindawaytophraseitsoimunimplicated - BUT ITS TOO HARSH, A MAN CAN LIVE WITHOUT FOOD WATER OR EVEN THE SUNLIGHT BUT NOT RIPPED COMPLETELY, PAINFULLY, SUDDENLY OFF SOCIAL CONTACT - ithoughtivelearnt,learnthowtolivealone,withoutanyoneelse - BUT WE CANT WE CANT BREAK OUT AND AWAY IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BITES IT CLAWS GNASHES ROARS -youreamonsterunlikeanyother

Surprisingly my only brief respite came from a duty all would gladly despise. Being the 24hour guard on labor day_ without anyone else, I could breathe, and walk the corridors - without fear, without shame, without worries. Just keep walking, like it always has been before, walking one foot before the other, ignoring everything else around and moving, step by step - forward. Watching all the world go past and time flowing away. Nothing is ever that bad if you can be on your own.

And then there was the test, and the peer appraisal- burning with righteous justice and bouncing between maniacal aggressive, moral high ground and vengeful spite. All this under the rule of equivalent trade (i didn't even consider it as such) _ for an hour's conversation? I didn't value it that highly, but life did? What a fluke.

And for all the pain the trade repaid me post-postmortem, well it had its own set of disadvantages. Prize presentation wasn't much, just a terrible waste of time. It is a prize, but in other places, an "achievement" like such probably isn't anything to mention at all. It was a farce but there's one thing I can see, SRJC's stock is going up, faster than I imagined, maybe Mr Tan had the right idea. Maybe- in a few years, SRJC won't be a bottom feeder anymore. We were the ignorant ones, all this time, Looking through closed eyelids.

I got both my letters by yesterday- its no surprise which I'd choose but should I go try law at SMU? Its not like I really really want to do law- or do i? Its hard, very hard, knowing you want to talk to someone but they all just shut you out- people start drifting and you just cant seem to get a proper conversation out- hardly satisfying, hardly even worth remembering. Are you really going to pack up and leave, go far away_ for your sake, for your future_ away from the wretched Singapore you call home (do you even call Singapore home?)

I hate this narrow mindedness. I hate this rubbish. And I'd hate it even more to imagine the prospect of the future. A future where we can only tell our children things are going to get worse. A future without hope for a better age, a shimmering shade of the glorious days which we have squandered away.

The patient has shown symptoms typical of his type. He exhibits wild mood swings, a low tolerance for frustration, was self-centred with low self esteem, detached at times and had a tendency to explode quickly In addition he has rapidly degenerated mentally, becoming disoriented, disheveled, and out of touch with reality. I recommend he receive immediate and urgent professional health care before he is lost to the sane world forever. -screw you, thats just what we want to do- escape the insanity of the sane world.

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What was it that you lost?

drop dead

So many things to unload all at once. I guess its quite true, blogs aren't worth much reading. If they're rants, they're immature and self centered. If they touch on issues, then they're shallow and self centered once again. What if, a blog isn't for a public reading and for personal reflection, should it still be put on a blog, online for all eyes to discover? Perhaps not.

My endurance fails me... must... sleep... zzzz