Your Call

And im tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

I am so tired of being all alone. Is it such a crime, to feel affection for more then one person? To want to build a connection that is more than casual with the people you know, not just a few but a whole range? To really get close and intimate with who they are behind closed doors, without all the masks, personas, suits and titles. Think what you will, but really? All I want to do is talk and in return to hear and understand what their souls are saying, not their lips.

In the moonlight, your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds I suppose
And you hair flows like the ocean breeze
Not a million fights could make me hate you
You're invincible yea its true
Its in your eyes that I find peace

I remember when I first heard about you. We were on bikes, cycling along the coast and I heard him talking about how you two sat under the moonlight on that rock. It was probably at that time, when an image of who you were began forming in my minds eye. When you materialised in the flesh it would feel as the song said: "I knew I loved you before I met you, I must have dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." I remember, telling someone (or no one) after getting to know you a little, that you were the person I had dreamt of being, brought to life as another before my very eyes - it was a living miracle. Irresistable, your very existance calling to me like no one else did. Never before did I feel the need to have and hold, to keep safe and protect, to know and understand any one single person. The intensity is unparallelled.

I don't mind writing this- I don't even care what is public or private anymore. I am the only one who would bother enough, who would even consider to look through archives, to read more then is written, to read what is written but encoded in plain sight, to encode what I want to but dare not say into harmlessness. No one would care to even know it is there, to suspect something is amiss. I'm making more then one post out of this session and I know no one reads more then the latest one. So I don't care, I'm writing it here. I am besotted with you Chelmin Lim, I have been ever since I've known you and I'll do more then anything to find you again.

If anyone actually reads this (or if by some cruel trick google picks up the use of a proper noun structure in a name search and comes upon this post) rest assured I do feel slightly (very) apprehensive to posting "sensitive" content for all the world on the internet but what choice do I have. It will tear its way out of my chest sooner or later and keeping it in is killing me. I will keep doing my best to be someone you can be proud of. I may not be your intellectual or emotional equal but that is what mystifies me and enraptures my heart. I'd take that chance.

If one gets here on raw endurance having tried to read everything on the page then by golly, would I ever like to meet someone who expresses such a great interest in my life and ramblings. Such people always leave a deep impression and are not easily forgotten_ which is also why I want to take a great interest in the lives of as many people as I'd care to- to leave that deep impression upon their lives.

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On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Everybody Lies

I've been having some food cravings the past few days, for pizza (their 2 for 1 advertisements are really quite effective) and thai food (more precisely thai express's soft shell crab curry set- i blame it wholly on the delicious wallpaper of all us ERs on the desktop). The long awaited day of booking out has finally arrived! The three days shifts have always been received with dread because it always seems to drag on and last far longer. The three day shifts under the new shift system are even worse because it only precedes a dreary weekend spent within these walls. How horrid!

Its annoying how there is not a wireless connection anywhere nearby to leech on within the KINS, granted it IS rather remote but even in camp we are surrounded by schools left and right and there is a faint (but unusable) signal to be picked up on but here? Nothing! Not a drop! The worst part? I actually heard that there IS a wireless connection to leech nearby - witnessed by previously deployed people but I can't find it. Grrr.

Having precious little to do (alright, I have books to read but I am particularly lazy to do anything that resembles study or work) I actually stumbled upon the folder where I tucked all the little farewell gifts I gave to my classmates when we graduated from SR a little over one year ago. How hard I tried to craft something from the little I knew of these people who spent nearly two years me! I must admit that other then hanging out with Jerrold and Victor there was pitifully little interaction with the rest of the class :/ It is a little late to regret it now but joining this and the little conversations I had with Jonathan on the bus it does seem schooling is rather pleasant. I'm sure its just the "grass-is-greeener-on-the-other-side"syndrome acting up again. Even though I know my grades were pulled purely on the grace of God, maybe if I had actually worked more on it I wouldn't have tanked so hard on Econs... Even God has to have something to work with to multiply into a miracle haha.

Sometimes don't you feel like a prisoner trapped within this world? Within the well defined shores of our island home, within the controlled chaos of the world and its dying rules and infrastructure. If even America can fall, the rest of the world won't be long after. Its a restless egging that says softly but relentlessly - there must be more. It is at times such as these that the old verse comes to mind- This world is not my home, I'm just a passer by. In the world but not of the world.

Darn, it is only nearly 9am and before I've gotten round to being sleepy the false knocks of "hunger" aka mouth itchy are rousing. Boo, now I'll have a hard time falling asleep haha. I'm just soooo lazy xD

Based purely on experience I can concur that the Rachel Ray show outstrips the Martha Steward morning show by far when it comes to being entertaining, The Rachel Ray show is nearly on par with Ellen DeGeneres but her raspy voice and lack of guests make her show quite lacking in comparison, but I do so enjoy her tips on decorating on a budget and her today's dinner segment, ever tantalizing. Night time television past 12 also extends itself to dramas like Desperate Housewives (mon), Greys Anatomy (tues), Nip//Tuck (not my kind of show but the Bravo coy medic loves it) and my favorite; House (Only once a week on fridays, how unfair is that? But Friday also has Survivor *squeal*) The point of this passage? That there is so little to do at night we are resolved to milk the television of all entertainment value haha. Sad but true.

I like House. He is cool- if being cool means one is a "misanthrope", a "cynic" and a "curmudgeon" haha_ no wonder I think I'm becoming kind of like him haha. A cynic, a misanthrope (which means someone who distrusts or views humanity with disdain) and a curmudgeon (an ill tempered person full of stoic old ideas and opinions)- heck! I'm even becoming lame like he is (i mean he has to walk with a cane cos his left leg is crippled but you get the lame bit) haha. Todays title is a tribute to him haha its his "trade mark phrase"": Everybody lies

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Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
The world you must have crossed

Mad Houses

Why are there two posts today? Well, today Bravo left and Foxtrot took over and the handing over process is a long and noisy affair which ahs no boundaries. From 8am to 1pm I was repeatedly interrupted from any semblance of rest by the unearthly racket of discontent human traffic and the shifting of stores in and out of the compound. The walls of this room are thin enough to let one hear anyone in the room next door singing, offering very little protection against noise, much less the kind made by unprofessional movers. Once I fell asleep at around 1.15pm (the abrupt end to the sms trail on my phone told me as much) I had put a decent but insufficient 5 hours of rest behind me to awaken at 6, in time to resume my usual ritual and duties.

I was flipping through my phone (what is left of whatever is inside it anyway- since the internal memory is inaccessible) and I found an old note with an interesting quote:

Mad houses are large and only too numerous; yet surely it is strange they are not larger, when we think of how many helpless wretches must throw their brains against this hopeless persistence of the orderly outward world, as compared with the storm and tempest, the riot and confusion within: -when we remember how many minds must tremble upon the narrow boundary between reason and unreason, mad today and sane to-morrow, mad yesterday and sane to-day. (Lady Audley's Secret, May Elizabeth Braddon)

While the source has been unverified it is safe to say this little marvel of the human ingenuity does indeed strike a chord of truth. Where does the line between a great thinker and a raving lunatic end? I have never believed that insanity is a medical problem that can be treated simply with medication. When the mindis involved it is no longer merely treating an ailing tissue or organ, there is intelligence beneath that which one cannot hope to retain while altering the chemical make up of its physical form.

The mind and the heart have been clearly separated when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions but when one considers that the heart is merely a large muscle that never stop pumping, shunting old blood one side and shooing fresh blood another- it seems wholly foolish to blame any feelings on this poor overestimated organ of ours. Modernity has found the source to be the unassuming grey matter in our skulls, the weak, flimsy lump that accounts for so much more then we would have guessed. Do we then live within the confines of our mind, truly living within that place since its content is the only difference we share with one another?

Alright enough prattling, I have a bad stomachache (I don't think lunch agreed with me) and I have to change, last shift! I'm so looking forward to going back home <3

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You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises

Desperate People

One of the great yet small comforts of the world (in my humble opinion) is being able to sit somewhere silently, with pleasant music of your choice with a book; and in that peacfulness just allow yourself to be absorbed into what you're reading. To not merely see and process the words but to understand and grasp the feelings and intent behind each sentence and paragraph. That is why I enjoy reading the "life story" of people, not exactly autobiographies but as a story, revealing the persons life as you read on. Well written it will seem as though you have aged and lived with that person, actually being there when each individual influential moment of their life unfolded and watching them grow into the person they eventually became and died as.

People these days grow up faster- some even argue that children grow up too fast. But what exactly does one mean by "growing up"? Is it the exposure to more mature themes and ideas that usually are associated with adults? The acquirement of a range of emotions and understanding that comes with the wisdom and experience of age? The ability to understand and handle more responsiblity and tasks simultaneously? Teens are as adequately equipped as any adult to face any task just as well or even better. Mature themes and ideas are not merely avaliable but thrown in the faces of the young, bombarding them as they grow up through the media and society around them. Experience and the maturity it proffers is the only thing that still can't be replaced by any guide book or tutorial. Seeing how the peope of the past differ from the people of today- sure we may be far more efficient and comfortable but it on the whole happiness and productivity have fallen. Perhaps it is better to grow living through things rather then plucking it out of the drama unfolding around us.

The common cry of the young of our generation (pardon this old man) the newer generations is heard from every spectrum of the economic and social spectrum- IM BORED! SO SIAN! Even at a tender age of ten to fifteen, these newts barely acquainted with the world behave with a disdain that comes from a man at his deathbed, one who has spent all their life chasing every conceivable pleasure of the world and having lived it all discovers that all is mere foolishness. What is the meaning of this? I believe that even though they have yet to live through life in their physical time, they have lived far too long via proxy. They may have never experienced falling in love, losing a family member, getting married, giving birth to their first child etc etc but they have already seen, heard and felt it all through the world around them, via proxy. Too normal, too simple, too mundane - too boring. Life just isnt living enough anymore with nothing new in it. "Oh I've already read about that 20 years ago, its no big deal". Bringing me back to the point - life is more worth living if we grow up actually living it rather then only "experiencing it".

Tried to say goodbye and I choked
Tried to walk away and I stumbled
Though I try to hide it its clear
My world crumbles when You are not near
You're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes its You i see
You're everything I know that makes me believe
Im not alone
When I look at the stars
I see someone else

Its not surprising to see that many secular songs are just as adept as being praise as any other (once we change the subject in question)

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And Im tired - of being all alone
And these solitary moments make me want to come back home

I have Control

Normally one would be unable to type anything ie blog in the KINS since everything you type out there on the computers are encrypted, even notepad files - so I cant even type out ny thoughts there and bring it home on my ext hdd. But now with a laptop its so simple and intuitive. Just type it out on the laptop and upload it when I have access to the internet anytime in the future.

I want to really thank Jonathan for giving ne this opportunity, it really can only be God's plan and timing, Not only did He meet my need but God also used it as a way to meet someone else's need! Im only sorry that Dilys couldn't get her pink netbook replacement (or it'd be a triple deal, I know how frustrating it is to have an incomplete "collection") That just goes to show how amazing our God is. Im still not used to typing on a laptop keypad but i believe i will get used to it very soon. As long as I keep practicing it will soon come to me, the biggest difference I feel now is the lack of a home and end key, this layout has its own dedicated delete key so I have no complaints there.

Sure a laptop isnt powerful enough to play games properly ie- L4D but like Jon said, its made for WORK, and work is what I plan to do with it :3 A computer for dedicated surfing, chatting, watching videos and typing does not need to be powerful- heck it can even be rather weak and still work out perfectly fine.

Life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I really dont give alot of thought to BGR (Not surprisingly considering the past miserable track record I have if one would even call that a track record) but hearing Jonathan talk about marriage and saving money along with the fact we're really not that far apart age wise (I am living in a very complex denial system, my age to me is my real age give and take minus 2 or 3 years, so imo now Im only a very decent 17 or 18- not 21) is rather jarring. Shocking but true.

我等的人她在多元的未来？
我排着队拿着爱的跑马牌-

This person, Lord, am I to seek her our will our paths cross eventually? Is she out there asking the same questions- hoping her destined one will fall into her lap along the passage of time? Is it true that one can't help but wait_ even "golden couples" break and up and go their seperate ways; the punishment for taking fate into your own hands? Or the result of trying to fit round pegs into square holes?

Its not like I'm beginning to feel desperate or anything like that. Its just that suddenly life seems super short- I'm already 21, and our life expectancy is around 60 to 70 so one can already consider their life one-third over! Isn't that horrifying? Does it put you on your toes, feeling like your days are numbered to do what you've been put on earth to do? To accomplish everything you want to? Its sobering isn't it?

Even though the setting is highly distruptive- I do not regret taking up the calling to serve in AR simple because there is this huge need there that I see can and should be filled. These boys are growing up, they are gaining a sense of self-awareness that has to be properly appreciated to reach the person within, beyond the outburst of noise and energy outside. And to have God introduced to them as soon as possible, to let God have this tight hold on their lives before the self begins to grow too strong and the cloud of doubts and rationalization settle down to steal them away from their roots. Royal Rangers exist not only to reach and teach boys and girls, but also to keep them within the folds of christian fellowship. At the end of the day I can see now that it isn't so much what you do as what you impart to the person. I dare say if not for Rangers my life would be very different now, and i believe not for the better.

Teach me to worship You
Teach me to adore You
I want to love You, with my whole being

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One can only live with dignity, you can't die with dignity - death is always ugly