Dreamsauce

What I do before I sleep often affects what I dream about. Watch house, get nightmares, play starcraft get epic battle, read romance novel get sappy story. Of course, the strange and notable ones are when they have NOTHING to do with anything i've ever done.

Tonight I'm hoping for a good dream and that whatever one feels is merely a feeling brought on by external influences. All shall be fine in the morning.

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No regrets

Long overdue. Written the day after but no chance to post up.

Last night for cell Joel shared on regrets, and near the end he asked everyone to write their regrets on a piece of paper and later we'd dispose of it after prayer. While deep in thought as to what to write down i realized something.

While it is true that in our lives there are things that went badly. There are decisions we wish we've never made or things we did that we'd do anything to take back. Some if these things may have even screwed up your life but as for me I don't consider them regrets.

Every trial, every piece of foolishness and duplicity- each choice I made and warning I ignored was and is part of me. All these things and more make up who I am today, it is an ongoing testimony of God's divine planning and miraclous will. If any of those things; however regrettable did not occur I wouldn't be the person I am now.

Every story I have told is an irreplacable part of me. Thus I have no regrets, standing where I am as I am the way I'm meant to be. No tears, no what ifs or could haves. No apologies.


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Wishleast

My list of wants just keeps getting longer. Each time my credit seems to catch up time list just magically expands.

Let us see-

Zabee zector
IXA Knuckle
Starcraft 2
IPhone
MacBook pro
DSLR - don't look at me like that, i'll learn

That's about it- coming up to a crazy 4.7k or so. Apple really drives a hard deal -.- then again. If I DONT push for an iPhone my computer may not need to be a mac. Dunno la.

Nothing much in life surprises me anymore. I guess that is the one failure of growing older- there is nothing more to see.


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It came to laugh at our naive existances

Rainy days always get me down

That song you slowly sing
Is keeping you from breaking down
It's a long way down, it's a long way

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Not the only one

From the vault.

I guess, that is the end of it. Even with the little twinge overall I feel surprisingly relieved. Being tactful or glib had nothing to do with anything- calling a spade a spade will always be the best way. How long was it? One year? Three years? I can't even remember anymore. I guess I am still the same stupidly selfish and childish person I was three years ago, mentally, emotionally- growing old is mandatory. Growing up is not. So long as there isn't a Nice Boat ending, that alone looms large and terrifyingly so.

Once again in 22 years what do I have to show for myself? A collection of worthless quips stolen from others, a series of embarrassing events, a few clumps of normalcy. Lies and more lies, pseudo confidence and flimsy personality. Wall after wall of defenses covering image after image. What is that crap I see, starting straight back at me, when will my reflection show someone who lives life? Some people want to live in a world of their own, maybe I already am irregardless of what the real world says.

Maybe on some level I admire the Matrix structure of reality, it is terrible but if it is true then maybe- just maybe there is hope of escape/rescue for me. Screw the red blue pill, I'll down the whole bottle.

I want to be selfish, to grasp at my right to have life the way I want it even after giving it away. To steal back lost time and recover unexplored possibilities. Maybe I won't be as spineless and ineffectual as I am now however right this is. Maybe I'd even be irrevocably damaged- but at least I'd have been happy- for once.