Live Life, Its More Than Worth It

Seed x Ending x Touched

2012-01-08T04:04:00.001+08:00

Rewatching Seed~

Anna ni issho datta no ni - "We were so close together... "- Gundam Seed -

Words: Ishikawa Chiaki
Music/Composition: Kajiura Yuki
Performed by: See-Saw

We were so close together, but the twilight has a different color now.
The abundance of kindness only keeps a distance between us.
Our coldly ignored hearts are wandering in the midst.
If this awkwardness is what it's like to live,
we shall close our eyes under the cold sky.

Even though we were so close together,
We can't even get a word across between our increasing distances.
Even though we were so close together, the twilight has a different color now.
Please, give us a quiet sleep under the moon light, if it is the last thing possible.

If you are going to cope with fate,
you can't go on saying you are sad or lonely.
Even if it means to break the links of words we have made together,
you would still want to say goodbye to the dull nights.

Even though they were so close together,
the unmatched couple have no place they can reach.
Even though we were so close together, in a glimpse of your new face,
I am fascinated, almost as though it is strange, almost enough that I would feel uneasiness.

Where lie our hearts?
Where are we drifting off to?
So that our eyes do not become lost.

Even though we were so close together,
We can't even get a word across between our increasing distances.
Even though we were so close together, the twilight has a different color now.
Please, give us a quiet sleep under the moon light, if it is the last thing possible.
_______________________

I'm tired, I just want a quiet sleep under the clear moonlight.

Christmass x 2011 x Blessings

2012-01-08T03:55:00.001+08:00

This (well, last) year around Christmas I actually got down to writing cards and packing gifts- and while I did have some time after round up to prep I didn't have a whole lot of time. So if you got a card, be glad cos I really just thought of you (all). These people are pretty special amongst all the special people (and you know it)- but for the others whom I had no chance to meet or time to prepare for... Christmas's 12 days are O-V-E-R ),:

I dare say I've been blessed in 2011, blessed with experience and achievement. Yet as another year draws to a close I wonder what 2012 will hold. Time is running out faster and faster and yet these hands barely held anything.

To the boys who moved up today- I'm sorry that I don't have much to say in the form of farewells or wishes. I am equally ashamed of the praises unrightfully given for I have added nothing of value to these lives. Knowing and helping nothing of their problems and fears, much less being able to speak a timely word. The new sec2 know my weaknesses, flaunting them openly- even in jest it stings that these kids can get the best of me.

To you all, I wish all the best- your lives are clearly marked, bright and promising. There is nothing this husk can give with only old cold winds rattling weakly past these brittle ribs of mine. And at this point I ask myself one thing- Decision, delusion or despair?

Music x Library x Memories

2012-01-05T01:13:00.000+08:00

Listening to music it dawned upon me that every song on this library at one point in time or other was lovingly repeated and memorized, providing motivation, pleasure and maybe even comfort. Skipping over them now to reach the song or album of the moment can be considered thoughtless, or cruel even. Or shall we sidestep passing through them entirely by making a custom playlist- completely ignoring the existence of the rest of that library. Are people like that to one another as well?

Run x Cripple x Waking up

2011-10-12T11:23:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I went to take my IPPT, first one since ORDing. For reasons logic cannot understand I chose to have it at Maju, which is super far from home but relatively near school. Catch is, I didn't have school yesterday.

I guess on some level that place was more familiar to me. No doubt the place was nostalgic and there were some nifty improvements (sheltered walkway from coy line to gate!) but it was a huge waste of travel time.

The thought of taking ippt knowing I would fail for sure was making me anxious and panicky all day. I woke up, couldn't eat, couldn't go back to sleep and as a result by the time I began I could be considered sufficiently dehydrated and hungry like xmagah. I was just so overcome- like a huge invisible hand gripped my whole being, holding it in an unnatural twist.

Plus I left late cos I started packing but consistently forgot things like what will I do for a phone, towel, change of clothes etc and reached 15mins after my reporting time. No matter there were still many people streaming in but the trip itself was nerve wrecking, thinking how I would be late and if I would be charged if I was defaulted being late.

Surprisingly I waltzed into the camp and after getting my tag I ran into Gordon! It was a pure coincidence, unplanned and unexpected. Now I had a friend within and we crapped all the way till it began- there went my nerves. He was a Godsend.

To put it briefly, nothing has changed since my time in green- I still pass my 3/4 stations and get 0 pull ups. I was even pleasantly surprised when my second jump went 236 but I skidded and fell forward.

2.4 was a whole new ballgame. It was in the MVSC (I think it's called that-) basically a multiple story car-park. We ran around the first floor only in 6 x 400m laps. Sounds simple enough save for the fact I haven't ran any distance worth mentioning since that time with Mervin. So the "run down" (pun intended) went like this-

Run my first round, feeling great 1:45. Second round I'm feeling it kick in and slowed considerably 2:30. Third round it all fell apart and I walked half the round, I was in pain after running just 1km, 7:30. I walked the first 3/4 of round four and didn't even bother to check the time, most people were done by now so it should be around 10. Last two rounds I tried to jog as much as I could to avoid being the slowest of the slows, I jogged and walked when I couldn't, gasping like a drowning guy. I finally clocked in with my worst timing EVER of 17:30. Wow, even when I walked and jogged back in school all the way I only took 16+ so this is a new record.

On the way home I couldn't help but wonder the usual, how I would train for next time and pass bla bla. Eventually I just figured I had to serve RT ANYWAY so just go and try.

Also now I am sore like mad and half a cripple :( I can't descend stairs as easily today. From experience it will wear off in a few days. And I almost couldn't get up out of bed, I kind of rolled out onto the floor leg first.

Lesson learnt? Do warm up and cook down before taking IPPT. I did neither and feel like an earthenware pot now. Cracked and heavy- leaden limbs.

So much for that. I think if I do RT + take IPT in these 9 months hopefully I can clear next time. It's not a long time away and certainly not easy but one can always try.

"Do or do not. There is no try."
Shut up Yoda

Lacking Motivation

2011-10-10T06:36:00.001+08:00

So I guess I didn't manage to get anything done today. It's terrible, my discipline. Let's line up what needs to be done in less then 3 weeks.

PS2249 Essay
JS1101E Essay
NM3215 Report
NM3215 Presentation

The essays are scaring me half to death but I don't feel the pressure to start working on it. It's like a flip has switched- once I more or less resigned myself to not having the capacity to take honors.

It's just like K said, below 4 honors are just there to pad the bottom for people like them to sit at the top.

Tonight I accomplished nothing but puff up some distant dream.

好想好想

2011-04-29T01:48:00.000+08:00

好想好想和你在一起
和你一起数天上的星星
收集春天的细雨

好想好想和你在一起
听你诉说古老的故事
细数你眼中的情意

好想好想好想好想
好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山
走遍海角天涯
让每一个日子
都串连成我们最美丽
最美丽的回忆

好想好想和你在一起
并肩看天边的落日
并肩听林间的鸟语.喔...

好想好想好想好想
好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山
走遍海角天涯
让每一个日子
都串连成我们最美丽
最美丽的回忆

好想好想好想好想
好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山
走遍海角天涯
让每一个日子
都串连成我们最美丽
最美丽的回忆

Treasure post haste

2011-03-30T01:59:00.000+08:00

I know I always start my posts with "i have not posted for so long" but to me that is the most natural thing to do. Its my writing style, this is how i flow.

Haven't touched this little piece in a long time. Sometimes when life catches you in its flow its hard to keep sight of the shore. All the glitz and glamor on the cruise makes you forget the boat is not solid ground. Solid ground is out there, beyond the waves, beyond the horizon.

I hate to say I'm blessed because I know how screwed up some people's lives are.

Yet, being screwed up and recovering is what makes people normal. What about people who have never dared to screw up, do we never grow?

Guess I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all.

There I go sounding like some floaty teenage girl. Pui.

Feeling nothing is the worst. Pain is how your body lets you know something is going wrong. Without pain, you wouldn't know if you were really alive, or dying, or dead.

Years ago, I said those same words- and you agreed wholeheartedly. Now, I still think the same, but I behave differently. If I were judged by Hofstede Id be an odd mix indeed. High PDI, low MAS, fluctuating IDV and low UAI. I dont know about my LTO, sometimes it seems like I know where I am going. Sometimes I don't even know today from yesterday, from now to tomorrow. Much less plan.

I understand what it means to forgive. I comprehend what it means to accept. I can fathom what it is to care. I know what love is. So why is it all these are just like abstract concepts. Forgiveness, acceptance, care & concern, love. Can they be seen? Yes, their expression can. Can they be felt? Yes, the result of their application. Can they be isolated? Yes, not all come into play at the same time or circumstance. Therefore, are they real? From what we have above, surely so. *whisper* Can they be replicated? ... for me, I don't know.

Treasure
Memories linked to hesitant love are delicate,
So don't disappear.

Floating in the sky, I want to tell this only to you.
This feeling of mine I send to you by a gentle wind.
I always want to hear them.
These words that I want to say only to you are gifts from destiny.
The darkness in the sky reflected the view that'll never leave me.

Memories linked to hesitant love are delicate,
So I pray they won't disappear.
The treasure in my heart one day will wear away.
Hey, do you realize our fate? Or it is all right to forget it?
The tear we've locked away with yesterday sky.

My heart beats like an explosion when I want to say my honest feeling to you.
My words become the opposite of what I'm supposedly saying
From now, I can't do anything.
It feels like the summer season has come
and my surrounding has become hot.
The color of morning glow reflected the secrets that I keep hidden in my heart.

The moment after it become so fast that I can't memorize it.
The thing I won't forget is your smile.
The time went so slow when I don't know whether it'll hurt me even deeper.
Hey, the truth is I'm afraid. Will it finally break?
Yesterday dream has become overflowing tears.

Chasing after a rough path that won't be reach.
Joys and sorrows are still running away.
The treasure in my memories I will protect it for sure.
Hey, when we confused, is it okay to turn back?

Memories linked to hesitant love are delicate,
So I pray they won't disappear.
The treasure in my heart one day will wear away.
Hey, do you realize our fate? Or it is all right to forget it?
The tear we've locked away with yesterday sky.
_____________________________________

Sin mocks

2011-01-30T18:36:00.000+08:00

Can't believe blogger has no mobile app. No free one that works at least. Such a farce, damn it nothing is going well today.

Oh how privileged are those who still have hearts that cry

Lime Green

2011-01-10T16:57:00.001+08:00

I have posted here in a long long time. In the sense that a real post would include some part of my being poured into this page. Life works in funny ways, I still have yet to come to the complete realization and acceptance that our life is one continual flow day after day, in which everyone lives in at the exact same time. The person on your left or right is as "person" as you are to yourself, they have lives they have troubles, feelings and opinions. They are not just 2D backdrops for you to live out your life upon. It is quite hard to come to terms with that concept.

Today the girl with the lime green bag re-appeared. Fiona, the last I remember of her was from J2 before the study break. I don't even remember her coming down on results day- I was too preoccupied thanking God for my results. That- that phenomena right there is what is stopping me, it is what is hindering me from going forward any more in anything I do at all- to focus on others and realize they are all lives as well. Taking an interest in the lives of others. I suddenly realized that I knew nothing about my fellow classmates or friends, and still know nothing now. When she suddenly popped up after 3 years one fine evening I was at a loss.

What did I know of these people I spent 2 years with long ago? Nothing. I hope this is a start of something. It is exciting when people from my different facts of life clash, it gives validity to the past experiences I had. That these people I knew back then are real, that they were not figments of my imagination. That also the people I know now are as real. Or as false.

Can't sleep

2010-11-22T02:06:00.001+08:00

2219 in 7 hours. I wasn't even this jumpy with political science- and I've already had one paper worth of experience so why can't I sleep :(

Calvary

2010-11-18T12:59:00.000+08:00

Calvary - Planetshakers
I will lift my eyes to You
Where my help comes from
Lord I find my rest in You
Keeper of my soul

You gave it all for me
Maker of Heaven
You paid the price
So I could be with You

Jesus, I remember the cross
Where You hung upon that tree
You won the ultimate victory
Jesus, I remember Calvary

You reign
You reign over the earth
-------------------------------------------

So simple, it was never complicated to begin with.

King of my life, I crown Thee now,
Thine shall the glory be;
Lest I forget Thy thorn crowned brow,
Lead me to Calvary.

Lest I forget Gethsemane,
Lest I forget Thine agony;
Lest I forget Thy love for me,
Lead me to Calvary.

Knock x Birthday x Sleep

2010-10-15T02:02:00.002+08:00

Lenka - Knock Knock
A second, a minute, and hour, a day goes by.
I´m hopin' just to be by your side.
I´m turnin' the handle
it won’t open.
Don’t make me wait, cause right now I need your smile.

Chorus:
Knock Knock
When life had locked me out, I turned to you
so open the door.
Cuz' you’re all I need right now it´s true.
Nothin' works like you.

Little louder x3 knockin'
Little louder [x2]

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart.
I’ve tried it but they all leave me cold.
So now I´m here waiting to see you,
my remedy for all that’s been hurting me.

[Chorus]

You seem to know the way
to turn my frown upside down
you always know what to say
to make me feel like everything’s ok.

Little louder x3 knockin’ [x3]
Little louder [x2]

[Chorus x2]

Little louder x3 knockin'
Nothin' works like you, oh oh
Little louder x3 knockin'
____________________________

Haha were you expecting a knock knock joke?

I'd like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday be it through sms, Facebook, msn or word of mouth :) This has truly been one of the most overwhelming responses I have received and to borrow a line- 真的感动人心 haha. To quote, Libra babies are like super sad cos their birthdays fall within test / exam / projectspam period. Everyone, I can feel the heartfelt well wishes (and some not so heartfelt wishes haha) but still the aggregate is massive. Feeling so loved right now scrolling down the page la- but life has to go on there are tutorials to complete and lessons to attend.

Haven't been sleeping at decent times recently D: There are a mix of reasons, from work, to diet (coffee), to gaming (BBS is addictive great)- I don't have the problem of me not being able to sleep. Instead I'd love to just collapse in a warm corner of the bed and slap on the ZZZs but I find ways to be occupied. In fact it is nearly 2am now ad I missed 1111 and 1234, yet again. I could really use a wish right now even though the birthday magic is over :(

You know, even after I have said so much- I really do miss them. The days we spent together are magically preserved forever, a standard of craziness to which other days of madness have to compete against. Yet I cant bring myself to take 3 steps back- again I ask: So why would I rather sit alone with my ears plugged into a monotone?

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Wedding Dress x Issue tracking x iPhone?

2010-09-29T12:36:00.002+08:00

Nothing new, but it is still magic.

NM2219, truly a module with a whole lot of work both project and test wise. Issue tracking is so annoying, I have no idea how I'm going to gather 40 articles for 3219 when it comes down to that. So lets sum up what I have on this week~

Monday morning's presentation was not bad, it was a fiasco- but Daniel said it's very good- I think he was trying to spare our feelings. NM1101E test was do-able, but I don't think I'll excel in it, just do decently. Now for the wall of things to do by Friday I have the standard Philosophy summary and all the articles for NM2219 issue tracking with their summaries. Alright so it does not sound like a lot- sure feels like it because I have what? One and a half days left- brilliant.

Have been behind in all readings ever since the presentation popped up. How thrilling >.>

Pol Science and sociology mid terms coming after the e-learning week- oh and its also my birthday that week. Hooray! Exams as a present, joy... On that topic, I'm not sure if I'm going to actually get an iphone. It is a heavy investment, one that I am in no position to pay off now- especially not after my spending spree this month (September) Only time can and will tell.

Gotta be Somebody - Nickelback
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough

So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen

So I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end
Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
_____

There's gotta be somebody for me out there. Even Sheldon has one. heh. Bazinga.

It's a quarter after one

2010-09-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

Sparks fly
It's like electricity
I might die
When I forget how to breathe
You get closer and there's
No where in this world I'd rather be
Time stops
Like everything around me
Is frozen
And nothing matters but these
Few moments when you open my mind to things
I've never seen

'Cause when I'm kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissing you

Past loves
They never got very far
Wall's up, made sure
I guarded my heart
And I promise I wouldn't do this till
I knew it was right for me

But no one (no one)
No guy that I met before
Could make me (make me)
Feel so right and secure
And have you noticed
I lose my focus
And the world around me disappears

'Cause when I'm kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissing you

I've never felt nothing like this
You're making me open up
No point in even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it's love

Cause when I'm kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I've been trying to find
Falls right into place
You're all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I'm kissing you

Haha I just posted this a few posts ago- initially came on to post something else but seeing the link made me all nostalgic again <3 haha this song is so attractive.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now
I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Introduced, another amazing song- I'm pretty surprised this isn't a hit or something- far better then airplanes or owning the dance floor bla bla bla- GUSH so nice haha.

Quote

2010-08-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.

- John Green, Looking for Alaska

Angel Flavor's Present

2010-08-18T09:37:00.000+08:00

The 30 day tumblr challenge has failed miserably. Nevertheless with my internet being down and all I doubt I would be bothered to carry on with it even if I wanted to- ~~wait that was contradictory wasn't it?~~ Ignore that.

I was reading one of my few but terribly complicated and convoluted readings and it chanced upon me to find out what exactly the University education is meant to impart unto us students. Surely 4 years isn't just to teach us how to craft reasonably waterproof arguments, navigate our way around campus, listen to drawling lectures, rush reports while sleep deprived (alright I admit that may be a useful thing to learn in itself) or even to acquire knowledge and skill in a specific specialty. One term often pops up which calls itself "critical thinking".

What is Critical Thinking? Go google it, or wiki it- which is where by the way I came across this one groundbreaking idea (to me at least).

Quote:

[The second requires ie. Intellectual Humility] extensive experience in identifying the extent of one's own ignorance in a wide variety of subjects (ignorance whose admission leads one to say, "I thought I knew, but I merely believed").

I thought I knew, but I merely believed.

Wow. Suspending judgment and making sure you keep perspective and not slip into judging based on what you believe or are entrenched in but instead really knowing and being objective. The realization that you need to know more about your "opponent" to break out of the trap of what (little) you already know. I shall work hard at developing this aspect of critical thinking, not just judging but knowing, really knowing.

Which brings me to the moral relativity of society but that jumps into philosophy and sociology. Good and evil, if the lowest level of evil is to willfully do evil for the sake of evil then what of indifference? Indifference through the acceptance of everything by justifying even that which is unjustifiable by relativism- in which each has its own reasons, motivations and merits(?). Why bring this up? To defeat indifference the weapon is critical thinking- not just believing like the masses or even thinking you stand on one side or the other without being clearly objective. Some things are not objective, and some blacks are black no matter how gray they sound.

Education has taken an dark turn, it is now a weapon placed in the hands of the young who are to fight for the future of tomorrow. Perhaps I've been reading a little too many fantasy novels of kings, knights and magic but I find this metaphor naturally fitting. These are dark times we live in and a sharp blade of clarity is what we need to cleave through the obscuring veil of relativity.

30 day Tumblr Challenge

2010-07-16T09:34:00.000+08:00

Day 01 — Your favorite song (14/07/10)
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy (13/08/10)

So I can remember :)

My Senses Come Alive

2010-07-14T22:24:00.002+08:00

I'm back. And I hate being back. I miss EVERYONE and EVERYTHING :( That is the sucky thing about camps. I'm just going to rotate between a whiny kid and an aloof crackpot with his head in the clouds re-living the past 4 days over the next few days.

Should have taken more pictures but my camera died. I will post it when the e-mail with everyone's contact comes in_ maybe then I'll see if we can all meet up on 22nd to go register together.

A tribute to the most HAPPENING og in NM2010-
Elyssa, Justina, Xin Ling, Kathy, Xinyi, Shiyun, Shing, Hanyong, Ang Kuh Kueh, Tiffany, Jiaxing, Jingwen and Mao mao. We may have lost in numbers (math sucks anyway!) but we won in heart and style, you know that no one else even came close to our strength in its entirety. I will never forget each and every one of you, every song we sang, every photo taken, every joke cracked, every secret whispered. I really look forward to meeting you again when school begins :)

God willing- it will all work out.

Heard this on the radio and I HAD to find it. Some of you may recognize Miranda Cosgrove as Carly from iCarly) she was cute then and that has not changed <3 Enjoy.

It all starts making sense-

Is all around

2010-07-07T00:52:00.000+08:00

Work is coming to an end soon_ and I have an orientationish camp coming up next weekend, way too much going down this week. Dilys returns, Joel goes, Camp, ARB meeting bla bla bla- I'm pretty excited over the CNM camp :) It being a small camp makes it all the better since it will be concentrated E.P.I.C

I do suppose it will have adverse side effects which will last a day or two extending into my last two days at work but it is ok- I'm always like that after camps.

Watched Love Actually, finally acquired it. Blegh- not at this time of the year.

DOWN

Dark Road

2010-07-06T23:26:00.001+08:00

Heard a snippet of the song on House (s5 ep5- Lucky Thirteen) and it was so hauntingly good. Stuck for a while.

Dark Road - Annie Lennox
It's a dark road
And a dark way that leads to my house
And the word says
You're never gonna find me there oh no
I've got an open door
It didn't get there by itself
It didn't get there by itself

There's a feelin
But you're not feelin' it at all
There's a meaning
But you're not listening any more
I look at that open road
I'm gonna walk there by myself

And if you catch me
I might try to run away
You know I can't be here too long
And if you let me
I might try to make you stay
Seems you never realise a good thing
Till it's gone..
Maybe im still searchin
But I dont know what it means
All the fires of destruction are still
Burnin' in my dreams
There's no water that can wash away
This longin' to come clean
Hey yea yea....

I cant find the joy within my soul
It's just sadness takin hold
I wanna come in from the cold
And make myself renewed again
It takes strength to live this way
The same old madness every day
I wanna kick these blues away
I wanna learn to live again...

It's a dark road
And a dark way that leads to my house
And the word says
You're never gonna find me there oh no
I've got an open door
It didn't get there by itself
It didn't get there by itself

Dreamsauce

2010-06-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

What I do before I sleep often affects what I dream about. Watch house, get nightmares, play starcraft get epic battle, read romance novel get sappy story. Of course, the strange and notable ones are when they have NOTHING to do with anything i've ever done.

Tonight I'm hoping for a good dream and that whatever one feels is merely a feeling brought on by external influences. All shall be fine in the morning.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

No regrets

2010-06-24T01:47:00.001+08:00

Long overdue. Written the day after but no chance to post up.

Last night for cell Joel shared on regrets, and near the end he asked everyone to write their regrets on a piece of paper and later we'd dispose of it after prayer. While deep in thought as to what to write down i realized something.

While it is true that in our lives there are things that went badly. There are decisions we wish we've never made or things we did that we'd do anything to take back. Some if these things may have even screwed up your life but as for me I don't consider them regrets.

Every trial, every piece of foolishness and duplicity- each choice I made and warning I ignored was and is part of me. All these things and more make up who I am today, it is an ongoing testimony of God's divine planning and miraclous will. If any of those things; however regrettable did not occur I wouldn't be the person I am now.

Every story I have told is an irreplacable part of me. Thus I have no regrets, standing where I am as I am the way I'm meant to be. No tears, no what ifs or could haves. No apologies.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Wishleast

2010-06-16T23:26:00.001+08:00

My list of wants just keeps getting longer. Each time my credit seems to catch up time list just magically expands.

Let us see-

Zabee zector
IXA Knuckle
Starcraft 2
IPhone
MacBook pro
DSLR - don't look at me like that, i'll learn

That's about it- coming up to a crazy 4.7k or so. Apple really drives a hard deal -.- then again. If I DONT push for an iPhone my computer may not need to be a mac. Dunno la.

Nothing much in life surprises me anymore. I guess that is the one failure of growing older- there is nothing more to see.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

It came to laugh at our naive existances

2010-05-19T17:33:00.000+08:00

Rainy days always get me down

That song you slowly sing
Is keeping you from breaking down
It's a long way down, it's a long way

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Not the only one

2010-05-11T02:14:00.000+08:00

From the vault.

I guess, that is the end of it. Even with the little twinge overall I feel surprisingly relieved. Being tactful or glib had nothing to do with anything- calling a spade a spade will always be the best way. How long was it? One year? Three years? I can't even remember anymore. I guess I am still the same stupidly selfish and childish person I was three years ago, mentally, emotionally- growing old is mandatory. Growing up is not. So long as there isn't a Nice Boat ending, that alone looms large and terrifyingly so.

Once again in 22 years what do I have to show for myself? A collection of worthless quips stolen from others, a series of embarrassing events, a few clumps of normalcy. Lies and more lies, pseudo confidence and flimsy personality. Wall after wall of defenses covering image after image. What is that crap I see, starting straight back at me, when will my reflection show someone who lives life? Some people want to live in a world of their own, maybe I already am irregardless of what the real world says.

Maybe on some level I admire the Matrix structure of reality, it is terrible but if it is true then maybe- just maybe there is hope of escape/rescue for me. Screw the red blue pill, I'll down the whole bottle.

I want to be selfish, to grasp at my right to have life the way I want it even after giving it away. To steal back lost time and recover unexplored possibilities. Maybe I won't be as spineless and ineffectual as I am now however right this is. Maybe I'd even be irrevocably damaged- but at least I'd have been happy- for once.

M_U_N_D_A_N_E!

2010-04-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

Duality
Some days
I get crazed
I don't know why it's so irrelevant
I'll take deep breaths
And keep control, go on

I've tried brave
And you've tried to saved
I've tried to keep it bottled up
I think I've past my prime, lost my mind, and I'm torn

No telling what tomorrow holds
Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try
Who let, you let this feeling die, I can't get you out of my head, my head
You're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive

Some say
It's all fate
but I say we control our lives
and if my destiny should out best me, then thats fine
I make believe thrill and apathy co-exist in me fairly equally
The truth is, doubts are all I've got to call mine

No telling what tomorrow holds
No telling what voice takes control
Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try
Who let, you let this feeling die, I can't get you out of my head, my head
You're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive

Is there anybody out there (anybody out there)
Is anybody calling (anybody calling)
Woaahh, if what I say is really wrong
Is there anybody out there (anybody out there)
Is anybody calling (anybody)
Woooah, if what you say is really wrong
I'm not in control, think I'm out of control

Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try?
Who let, you let this feeling die, I can't get you out of my head, my head
You're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive
________________________________________________________

Did I ever tell anyone that I love Bayside? Did anyone I ever told it to actually know about Bayside? =/

I'm getting sick of work, just feel like bumming around in the office all day, talking trash to the customers and waiting for something to pop up on fb, msn or wherever. Oh and praying for 6pm to roll around quicker. Talk to me people! I'm busy but dead bored at work, I know I have a spirit of excellence to uphold and I'm not cutting corners but if I overload my resistors I will burn out not from overwork but from pure normalcy. How wearisome! How mundane!

Game updates

2010-04-11T11:59:00.002+08:00

Almost completed Heart Gold! After much trading and badgering online I have managed to assemble Red's team :D Meaning a Pikachu, Lapras, Snorlax, Venusaur, Blastiose and Charizard! Ok for now it is just pikachu, snorlax, bulbasaur, squirtle and charmander (planning to go catch that lapras on friday) but I find there is a certain poetic justice in beating the strongest trainer in the game with HIS own team- different moveset and stats of course :)

Will spend the week training and lets see how it goes!

Non-game wise- GREAT MOVE!!!

Young Folks

2010-03-09T00:25:00.000+08:00

If i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about their own faults
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care 'bout is talking
talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one will surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on
hours seems to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going too
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about their own faults
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care 'bout is talking
talking only me and you

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about their own faults
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care 'bout is talking
talking only me and you
talking only me and you

talking only me and you
talking only me and you
_________________________________

I'm not sure why but this upbeat song brings me to tears.

Once again Triple Triad reminds me why I enjoyed FF8 so much. Oh, and Selphie too :3

Oceans Away

2010-02-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

Figure since I'm so far gone, oceans away,
I can lay my saber down today.
I miss the words I love
the words, you did not say.
I miss the kiss you never gave away.

There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else

Honestly I thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.

There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else

Here's to the man of your dreams.

I take it all in a box and make my way down to the shore,
Throw it in and begin to leave it to the waves.
_________________________

I've lost count the number of times I've posted this but still it is and will continue to be one of my favorite songs. Their sound has changed a lot since then, but I still enjoy their newest compilation. Well most of it, I just cannot get into Never Say Never- which was the only popular one since it was in Transformers 2- but I lump it :(

Absolute, Say When, Happiness, Enough for Now, Where the Story Ends <3

Tag Farce 4

2010-02-22T01:14:00.000+08:00

I HATE the storyline battles in TF4, not only is your partner deliberately weak and the opponents fitted with the epitome of broken (just look at Jack Atlus's deck 04!) your partner's AI is epic fail. Sooo frustrated, forget it- im going to go SLEEP and try again tomorrow on the train. Pfft, if only Aki wasn't worth it- but she is >.< Stupid Goyo guardian which is only lv6 but has the power of a lv8. Gragghhh.

Love the game, hate the AI. Artificial Idiocy.

Crossroads of Chaos

2010-02-21T00:19:00.002+08:00

Why'd you go without saying a word?

Crimson Crisis

Lifeheck

2010-02-21T00:13:00.000+08:00

10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

1. Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel.
It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.

2. Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse.
The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.

3. Ease up on the internal life commentary.
If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

4. Take no notice of your inner critic.
Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?

5. Give up on feeling guilty.
Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.

6. Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you.
Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

7. Stop keeping score.
Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.

8. Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned.
The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

9. Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions.
To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.

10. Don’t worry about about your personality.
You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.
__________________________________________________

Really? Comments?

A post in which I talk about something only I read about

2010-02-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

I so so SO want to watch the YGO 10th Anniversary movie :( Yugi is back but more importantly, Judai is back! Super Fusion- bonds transcending time, the heroes for all 3 series come together to combat a common threat from the future! Magician beats + Warrior toolbox / Fusion toolbox + Synchro turbo :3 all delicious, can't wait to see what new tricks each of the old characters have.

Black Magician, Neos and Stardust have their work cut out for them- the "signature" creature keeps getting better and better. I mean sure black magic curtain, thousand knives~ then we move on to Neos. What the hell happened to now making broken things? Neos force, Oversoul, Force of Neos! Then stardust, with starlight road, assault mode, majestic star dragon and and umm ok no DIRECT support but it has crazy pseudo-support like tuners that special summon its own material and generally all normal synchro support. Not to mention Stardust is actually a big threat in play as a beater, with evasion and the best thing? It is special summoned by pure virtue of it being a synchro monster. Brilliant.

Its been so long so I am going to rant here like the yugioh otaku I am.

5Ds isn't a great storyline series, but it is an amazing card gameplay series. GX was a great storyline series with a little too much filler but the gameplay at times was how to say- flexible to suit story needs. Lets not mention the original ygo series when we talk about gameplay, they made all the rules on their own out of thin air. GX gave us actual powerful and playable character cards that have lasted the test of time like Stratos, Ground Mole, dandylion, Cyber Dragon and even LNDD to mention a few from both the anime and manga whereas 5Ds have given us broken, unadulterated win in the form of synchros. Stardust, Goyo Guardian, Black Rose Dragon and Thought rule archfiend to mention a few, non synchro wise they gave us the Black Feather archtype, Deformers and an entirely new subtype- the psychics. The duels make more sense then the previous series whose characters used some really crappy cards just for the sake of staying in character- or in theme. The decks the 5Ds characters use and build are far more well suited to today's meta and climate- many of the the cards and combos presented are not only effective and simple but practical to actual field use!

As much as I loved Judai's fusion pulling stunts I adore Yusei's dueling tricks. He gets out of tight scrapes really well without the use of overly strange cards (Alright there are one or two really odd anime only cards that are so situational it wouldn't be worth the paper it would be printed on) and gets suitable beaten up. True the god draw element is still there especially when he topdecks in the early episodes, that draw and grin always gets to me- kind of how Judai's classic move is the field-less bubbleman into handless Hope of Fifth into cocoon party into contact into contact fusion, contact out and miracle contact ftw. Way too far fetched- especially when we begin to throw in the idea that Super Fusion allows him to take material from BOTH sides of the field. Nevertheless that was how Rainbow neos, Neos wiseman and many of his Evil heroes were created. Did I neglect to mention Judai has the most different deck types of all three antagonists? He started out with a vanilla E-Hero fusion beatdown then changed gear into a E-hero fusion toolbox, after which he swapped out for a Neo-spacian toolbox and then a contact fusion turbo deck- which he swapped out totally again as Haou Judai for a evil hero beatdown deck that became a variation of his Heroes toolbox with BOTH E-heroes and Neo-spacians. Yugi only went from Warrior and magician beatdown to Magician toolbox with Orisis support turbo.

Swoon. Haha I can really get into it when talking about something no one else cares to hear about. Sigh- if only the world REALLY were run by a childrens card game. Duel academia would L-O-V-E me and I'd definitely enjoy being a Obelisk Blue student. Oh well.

Makemagic is an addictive song, as the theme song of the 10th Anni movie it lives up to its pump and beat but after looking for the translation to its lyrics I begin to doubt. Are you SURE this is the theme song for a shonen anime movie feature? I'll let the fans decide, since I can't understand the song in its natural form I'll just enjoy the feel and not think about what the words I'm rocking to mean. Man those meanings are a pump beater.

Looking forward to Tag Force 5 if there is going to be one. For now I'll be milking Tag Force 4 for all its worth.

Empty Apartment

2010-02-09T00:35:00.002+08:00

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay
______________________________________________________-

My song of the week.

Hope vs Wish

2010-02-01T02:08:00.000+08:00

Just remembered something from watchnight methinks.

To wish is merely to imagine something inconcieveable happening, but to HOPE is a state loaded with an expectation of a future development.

Truly, no more wishing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Simply unclear

2010-02-01T01:47:00.000+08:00

I suppose everyone has thought themselves uniquely brilliant at one point or other in their youth. Yet daily now I see those illusions debunked and refuted. In each cryptic line and dispairing tone. Maybe I'm seeing the ghost of me that isn't present in these lives yet it is unsettling. We are aren't that different, yet unique enough to draw blanks upon scrutiny.

These lives, these people. Do I really know who, or what I'm talking to? What manner of humanity, with all it's liabilities, quirks and nuances are they which have eluded my notice?

Just when I was beginning to feel like I've settled my debts and left the past behind me. Just what are you?

Quote of e post:
Why do you do this to me
Why do you do this so easily

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Be objective minded

2010-01-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

How do people stay fast and tough it out when everything goes to hell? What can give a person strength to go on when they are exhausted on all fronts? A belief, a goal- any goal: short term ones are best in the midst of the worst case scenarios. Keep a clear mind and grit your teeth while staying single minded and focused on grinding through one week, two hours, heck even one more step, one foot before the other will suffice as a short term goal when you feel like you are going to collapse in a heap and lose consciousness. When there is nothing which resembles any shred of normalcy you once knew and you need to continue forging ahead some people rely on God. I do too, but probably not in the same way. God gives me strength, mental strength- knowing that I am not alone, knowing that things could be a whole lot worse, knowing that in the event that everything really goes topside my future is secure.

How is God real to you? Not physically, but I sense Him, I feel His prompting and I hear His word. I see His hand at work in the mundane things in life. I recognize His sovereignty in the big events in life. More evidently, I witness the change He has wrought in the lives of those around me.

Pain is a sign that weakness is leaving your body. An unbreakable mind leads to an unyielding body. Pain can be ignored, pain can be swallowed, pain is bearable. One objective at a time, everything else in the world is secondary- this time, this place.

I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.

Goodbye again

2009-12-01T13:48:00.000+08:00

Had the most wonderful weekend. A huge snowball of Seoul garden, cell, the wedding, catching up with Edina, lack of sleep and the most ice cream I've eaten in months over a single weekend. Haha, catching the last bus and getting "stranded" with Joshua on the way to send Edina off was a walk of faith. I don't think I'd have ever done anything as risky as that for almost anyone else.

Here I am waiting
Abide in me I pray
Here I am longing
For You
Hide me in Your love
Bring me to my knees
May I know Jesus
More and more

Come live in me
All my life
Take over
Come breathe in me
I will rise
On eagle's wings

Never forget.

ORD this weekend. Like all things in life, once you're there the hype just starts to die off.

Quote of the Post:
Psalm 23:4 (New International Version)

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Hungy for You

2009-11-11T01:28:00.000+08:00

Here in my heart
There's a longing for more
A desire to go
Deeper than I've been before

And it's not about the way
You can make me feel
And it's not about anything
That You can do
I just have this insatiable desire

I'm hungry for You
I'm hungry for You
I need Your touch
I seek Your face
I need Your presence

Today at mission trip prayer meeting Ivana talked about not just wanting, but to hunger- to be desperate for God. That sharp pain of desperation I can understand, so intense one can physically feel it hurt and make you gasp for breath. More to work on.

Can't believe I'm being so dragged down by money woes, money! Of all the things in life! Stupid money, oh wait come back-~! Dang :(

Elsewhere:
I say believe it my love. And to be honest my dear, I wouldn't have it any other way

Quote of e Post:
NSF today. ORD tomorrow.

Happiness

2009-10-30T01:01:00.001+08:00

Happiness- The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
_________________________

One of my favourites aside from "Where the story ends".

TvTropes <3

I need a proper occupation...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Assault armor

2009-10-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

Ahh, the pitfalls of being able to post instantaneously. Now I am quite ashamed but I won't take anything back- consider it training. One can never retract what one has said. And along the same vein, written- or done. Now and again I am quite sorry for some of the things I've done- not that being sorry about it changes things but at the very least it does remind me not to try doing them again. Which brings me to a problem, is it then far better to just shut up and not take risks- an approach which I have applied thus far and have led to no good result. The only thing I can continue to do is keep taking risks- at least life will be interesting that way.

I can't talk about work but I'm just glad it is mostly all over. And I gained much from my time there. Now I'm not sure if I can get used to life as per usual.

Zone camp is tomorrow! I need to pack T_T

Quote of e Post:
You, knight, who hoists such fabricated righteousness... take the cold flames of sorrow upon your form.

Happy Birthday to me

2009-10-21T22:12:00.001+08:00

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to...
Me *weeps*

I don't need anything that anyone could give. There is nothing that money can buy. Just another day, nothing is different, im at work even. So tell me why it breaks me up inside. I'm still coming to terms with the fact my teenage life has past me by- it ended when I turned 20. It's been one year, and in my heart and soul I know that I'm still in stasis. My time has ceased flowing since it all began. All the anomalies have twisted, fusing this and that until nothing is clear any longer- when did the blight begin, when did the nomalcy even end?

I fall on my knees
- Lord I know there MUST be more

Is this the frustration Solomon felt? Vanity, vanity, all is mere vanity. That all the world has to offer is so worthless, so futile, that there is no value in all that we build in life save for relationships, with other people, with God. Not even wisdom, or skill. Not triumph nor discovery- not happiness or pleasure. Nothing. And on that front I am poorer then poor. Is it over- the inertia of my lifestyle up till now pulling me along into the pit I can see but cannot avoid.

What then is hope but to start anew. Go somewhere where no one knows who I am, forge a new identity from scratch and never let those two worlds collide. But I lack the courage to cut all ties with everyone I know and become a nobody once more.

Truly now we can say: I have nothing

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Complaintation

2009-10-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

This original post was much more elaborate but orders now say we cannot say anything about operati- work.

Worst birthday ever much? New rules, new system- which is so much trouble. Fair enough they higher hq has left us be for the longest time but this... This is just absurd in comparison to what we used to do! It's like the circus suddenly gave up performing and decided to go into the say- carpentry business. It makes no sense. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

At least no one knows it was my birthday. Only 2 hours to go before this oh so momentous day is over. I'm just apathetic now. Yea, having expectations does this to you when it falls flat on it's nose.

Money makes so much go round... I can't satisfy the things you want but maybe I can put an end to that string of wrecks you've left behind. The thing I fear the most would be becoming one of those left in your wake- I'm sure you know. Maybe you're already used to it, because you know you are just that lovable and attractive.

I want...

I have nothing. Throw it away, I just want to be free tonight. Answers that I'll never find don't mean a thing tonight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Zetta loving it

2009-10-12T17:50:00.000+08:00

Goodness, it has been raining almost everyday now and it's only October! I can barely imagine what December will be like- rampant flooding? Torrential downpours? Though it is fact that it rains on Christmas every year I don't ever remembering any more than a passing shower. Christmas is just one more thing to look forward to.

Last week of deployment for the win! May it turn out (haha, turn out) pleasant. Then zone camp, which is interrupted by battalion family day followed by combat shoot tentatively the Monday after zone camp. Acct in november and that should wrap this all up for ord in December :3 There is so much to look forward to in december. I should really be getting to writing that letter to Edina...

I totally wasted today- just felt so sleepy. I guess there are some dreams that must be had. I would like to call it synchronization but let's reign that line of thought in for a while.

I hid the day I saw you last
At the bottom of my memories

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

May tomorrow be wonderful too

2009-10-11T02:20:00.000+08:00

This is torture and I am DYING. STOP MAKING ME WANT YOU ANY MORE THEN I ALREADY DO. You are the cruelest, cutest, most coveted cherub ever. Alliterate that, angel of words.

Tinkering

2009-10-08T21:29:00.001+08:00

I'm pretty excited now ^_^ somehow it is simply far easier to think when I'm not sitting before a computer or paper. It has been ages since I've written anything creative wise, which really sucks. I find all skills are like muscles; lack of use will result in them withering away eventually leading to anthropy.

Today, I was leaving camp when in began to pour. In response I went and donned my goretex jacket, hood And all to book out. It's the closest ive ever been to wearing a trench coat and it felt really cool having the coat tails trailing behind me. MLIA.

Today when I was leaving camp it began to pour but by the time the car reached Bishan the sky was clear. Only upon reaching home did the dark clouds begin to catch on. I felt like I had outrun the rain and beat the system. MLIA.

So far so good- Lin Sivvi (Which is what I kinda named my newest lovely pal here. FYI, she is a rebel hero) is exceeding expectations. It is no iPhone but I think we'll get along just fine.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iTouch

Tell me why its so hard to forg-

2009-09-11T01:31:00.001+08:00

86 MORE DAYS Which is less then three months! Once again, OPs ends end Oct and then blam only November left! I'm so psyched! "Whatever lies beyond this morning, is a little later on. Regardless of warnings the future dosen't scare me at all. Nothing's like before"

[a little too not over you]
It never crossed my mind at all
That's what i tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else
It's for the best, i know it is
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

Memories
Supposed to fade
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn't think it be this hard
Should be strong
Moving on
But i see you
Sometimes i try to hide
What i feel inside

And i turn around
You're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe i regret
Everything i said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now i'm on my own
How i let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand
Yeah, oooh, oooh, oooh
Oooooooh
Oh
Ooooh, oh

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why
You're so hard to forget
Don't remind me
I'm not over it
Tell me why
I can't seem to face the truth
And i really don't know what to do

I'm just a little too not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)
Not over you
(eh eh eh oh eh eh eh)

GRAGGH The result of having to watch Singapore Idol when you are sleep deprived on guard duty is that a song (whatever it is) just gets stuck and w o n t leave! Along with a party of others (think 12 songs, but not all twelve stick) Either way, not having control over the television leads one to watch what is popular. Now I just follow it lol. Top 13 already, just see it through to the end. Pity, Mae just dont seem to have the supporters she needs. I know she aint a looker but hey- that voice! Plus, in a "real talent in singing" contest I think it would be WISE to at least let the votes come in AFTER the singing is done.

Went to the COMEX on the opening day, oh boy- I can't believe how many people there were? I mean it is a THURSDAY AFTERNOON- not even friday. Don't these people have to work? So I jostled, got screamed at, screamed at people, lost my water bottle, picked up a bunch of flyers, met Eden's girlfriend, bought my stuff, went to disturb Ling and then watched the rest wat dinner. I _SO_ want an itouch T__T (scratch the iphone)

I'm hyped that I managed to get all my reading done :) Less PSP (Since Disgaea 2 does not work boohoo) more reading! Booyakaka! (I <3 Selphie)

Alright I have to like go pack my bag for the next few days.

And after watcing a whole bunch of HIMYM I found one iron clad rule: NEVER invite ex-es to your wedding

Quote of e Post:
Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda

TPD day 4

2009-08-17T19:53:00.000+08:00

It is day 4. Day 4 out of 40 of TPD (Its actually THE purpose driven life, not A purpose driven life- my bad) Still no extravagantly large revelations, day 1 and 3 were awesome insights by the way.

I am taking so long to finish reading these books because MHFU keeps me busy in camp =/ not so much time to go read. Grr I got my xlink adaptor but I cant get the thing to work. Long story, ill tell it another time- gotta run.

APD Day 1

2009-08-14T23:55:00.002+08:00

Today is day 1. Upon recommendation I have decided to start reading A Purpose Driven Life (Im calling it APD) 40 days, and a big number of changes (I hope)

I have to go book in again tonight. I'm just so tired of this nonsense T_T

Fate beckons

2009-08-09T22:01:00.001+08:00

House isn't exactly the best watching material before bedtime. Its s little disturbing and sometimes just a little too bizzare, Still it is fun- but definitely not light watching. I must have missed A L O T- heck I dont recognise the people in season 5 anymore >.< And who is Amber?

National day is just like any other day to me. I can’t get into the patriotic mood, must be all that getting used to slamming the government or the military. Being in the army, no just being- is strange. I might stop reading blogs. Because it is too confusing.

I don’t understand. Do we al live in such completely different worlds which somehow seem to overlap temporarily once a week- so much so that all rules and logic of each world differs from the other. Reading the things we write, letting our personal magical touch leak out on an entry begs more questions then answers. It does not make sense to me. Who are you, and where is the person that I’ve been with for so long? Am I in a virtual room of complete strangers? Where is that person I’ve been looking for all this time?

It has been some time since Round up but I didn't talk about what I went through during the camp proper save for the activities. The one and only real take away I got was a single word- "express". Now at CGT I got another phrase/word or more like an idea: atrophy. If we don't exercise something, it dies- we need to take action. Faith, prayer, trust, love are all like muscles, without practice they die. Put those two together and I have to learn not only to identify and express (appropriately) what I feel when I feel it as well as having to take action and exercise those long dormant muscles before they completely die.

The theme for CGT was while we are serving, let us not be so taken up with all that we’ve done and forget about fellowship (with God). After all, God made us not merely to do His work, but first of all to worship Him and fellow ship with Him (ref-> garden of Eden)

Edit: Service today was something like confirmation on the take action part. Even though it was more of a buff up service leading up towards grabbing our friends for Youth Anniversary (which I am somehow not so optimistic about- heck I’m rarely optimistic about stuff)

I don't think I am yet dead to love. It would totally suck to realise that I have- and I don’t want to wait till the time comes for me to find out.

Shelter – Corrine May
What's wrong, what’s getting you down
Is it something I might have said?
You're walking around
with your head to the ground
and your eyes are watery red

I know you've been through rough times
Kicked around, thrown to the ground
but you've always been the strong one
So don't tell me that nobody gets you

'cause I'm standing in your corner
Knocking at tour door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

We share a bond
You and I we belong
We're like coffee and morning trains
You strip my defenses
I catch your pretenses
The same blood runs through our veins

I swore I'd be your lifeline
Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone
I'll listen when nobody gets you
I'm still standing in your corner
Waiting by your door
You don't have to be alone

Just call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let me be your shelter my friend

It was not too long ago
You sought to understand
You helped me mend
Remember when

So promise me you'll
Call my name
Let me be an answer
'cause it hurts me to see you this way
I wanna ease your pain
Help me understand
Let my be your shelter my friend

What do I want? To be by your side during hard times, gently surrounding you like air. Essential but un noticed. And while I don’t hope that you die in my absence, I pray that it’ll make you uncomfortable enough to realise I’m not there. And maybe make me uncomfortable enough to never want to leave your side.

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I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way

At that start of CGT

2009-08-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

Haha, even though there is no wifi at the resort (pathetic M'sia!) I still have wordpad :)

ORD function last night was quite retarded. The food wasn't half bad but I made up for it in portion what quality failed (thanks to some very picky eaters and my skills at carving flesh from a fish) I got quite the bang for my buck at $60. Now to wait the 4 months to reap the final reward of this long toil. I want to do so many things after ORD before school starts:

I think I'll like work, since I totally need that money. I want to learn to drive- and play the guitar. I wouldn't mind really starting to get back to my roots too- writing and photography. And play off some games that have been gathering dust on my shelves- time to finish FFX, FFX2 and FFXII. Only then I will have some feel to start on Revenant Wings.

Oh yea I get to go for CGT after all! :3 A million thanks to Brien, we owe you. Like the most awesome BSO since Dennis (that says something HSC) But I need to return back to deployment after la. Nevermind, MHFU is there to accompany me haha. Even if I have to do till Thursday (and like stay over shift) at least like Thye Chuan is accompanying me haha. I want to chiong to HR6 lei but- duo tigrex lei!

Enough about more uh depressing things: CGT beckons :D The ride up and stopover was just insanity. Mmmmm- meowing song + "comes from India" + Stonegrill + Ryan Seacrest + loverly beef wrapped up in a smoking sweet nap after towards the resort. The place looks quite regal (pics will come when they come). Pool and prayer meeting with homemade supper with <3 I'm so glad everyone arrived safely.

CGT, overshot night sleeping time, laptop on my lap, after a bath lepak on the sofa: this-is-bliss. I'm more awake then I've felt all day. The place is more comfortable then I envisioned. And once again I think I am over-prepared.

I read this somewhere- writing is a lonely affair. Its a mixture, ragtag of experiences. You come together and share experiences, gain material and then you depart to be alone with your thoughts, putting it into words into story and song. Retreating to a place where no one- not friend nor spouse has any room to enter: the place where you form from words the craft that is your own. Thus goes the cycle of a writer; together-alone-together-alone. And when your work is done and you put your work to print- after all the congrats, pictures and interviews its back to being alone. To crack your next master piece. Writers are in the end- ultimately: a l o n e a l w a y s

Chances are life does not always turn out the way you want it to be, the things you want and the things you get rarely overlap. Hence, some may say they shall learn to be content with what they have- giving up on the things they truly want. Even the most hard headed fall prey to this line of thought at times... it is just too logical, too undertandable. Regardless, I say we stand and fight fate or whatever it is. You, you whoever you are. Lets keep believing together that the time will come and never back down.

Somone who knows would say of the above: THAT is LOVE

Quote of e Post:
Everything has a story to tell: write it down, file it away.

Clearing up

2009-07-30T23:28:00.001+08:00

ZOMG lol I took my sister's "How well do you know me" quiz on facebook and only got 40% right lol (she only got 42% right on mine but whatever) Strangely amusing but also a little sobering.

Its my off day- and Im clearing up my room. Finally. It really is a terrible mess- I haven't met ANYONE whose room is messier and dustier then mine >.< Every time I try to clear up I unearth all these- things. Relics of an ancient time. Of a better time- and the more you clear the more you realise that time buried here has passed and is gone. Christmas cards, old gifts, memorabilia, letters, books, newspaper clippings, brochures, scraps of paper with "invaluable" tidbits written on them. All these things amalgamated constitute my memories. Years of existance living within this room sedimented in layers of dust, papers and books.

*hours later* (good thing i typed this on wordpad. Kept dc-ing today)

Whew. Alot neater- now I can see most of the floor! Threw away plenty of things, things ill prolly never reacquire ever again but its ok. Their value will live on as memories in my mind. (until I forget that is then it wont even matter)

Deployment is in full swing so I've taken to playing Monster Hunter haha- a time consuming, grind heavy game that is well suited for multiplayer. Perfect for times when you need to burn alot of time, live in closely packed surroundings and have very little to do in the way of entertainment. It is pure madness I tell you, m a d n e s s. Gunner is so hum ji but X3 pew pew!

Have-to-run-tomorrow (sianded)

Quote of e post:
It takes a woman 20 years to turn her boy into a man and another woman 20seconds to turn him into a fool.

Want to go SO MUCH!

2009-07-16T18:45:00.003+08:00

Deployment is going to start again. But this time it is a RETARDED deployment. I don't want to go since it would mean missing- you guessed it- yet ANOTHER CGT! That is like EVERY SINGLE CGT since ever! D: I WANNA GO!!

With the new movie out the harry potter hype is running amok again all around. But to me, the magic is gibberish. Magic ought to be fluid, a force or energy which can be shaped and given property depending on the user's desired outcome. Not hanging on the pronunciation of some nonsensical words. That at least is how I would envision magic should it exist. IRL, the real magic in life is in words. Bits of letters coming together to create new meaning and birth life in sentences- growing more vivid and powerful in paragraphs. Almost everything can be reduced or magnified in words.

My PSP is becoming more and more essential in camp haha. All the nifty firmware out there is helping out alot :3 Now if only my X button and analogue weren't dying on me I'd be more then happy with the device (then again, a PSP3000 wouldn't hurt in the least bit :P I like the yellow one, if there is a red one I want it!)

The one good thing about being a NSF? The decent cash flow. Thinking of applying for a debit card. But I know that once that door of internet shopping is open it is a tough temptation to defy! Should I or should I not? I'm going to go totally flat broke by the end of the year at this rate T__T how to save money when it gets spent unconsciously on legitimate concerns! I haven't even gone into the luxury part of spending money yet! T_T A little here to transport, a little there to meals on weekends, chip in a bit for some cause here, toss out a little for nights out there and *POOF* like magic. Almost all gone. Like a flare.

Paula wrote at length about not waiting for the one but preparing for the chosen one. Having the excuse of waiting for the one is just too convenient I must agree- and then if so, how would you know? Still putting the ball back in our court by saying - "choose" and stick with it to make it work. That is a tall order. Like that Maroon 5 song says- "its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along". Making it work, heck- and who ever said just the starting was hard?

I didn't go for the SRJC gala thing thing, nor did I go for a whole lot of 21st birthday parties. There just isn't the time to go through such things at length. When there is time, the situations are all wrong. When there isn't time- or when there are events, things just pop up and I can't make it. Yet after the past few experiences I wonder. Would I have lost anything at all by not being there? Is it alright to have a small close knit (alright, fine not exactly close knit just regularly meeting) bunch of friends. I wouldn't say we're close and I don't really feel the time spent was invested (no returns) so someone tell me- which is the right path to take? God forbid I go for everything or nothing at all.

I took off- and as it turned out no one was free. Major bummer. Tomorrow is a relatively free day- so I'm not to annoyed. Just can't forget how much I like Chuck Palahniuk. His books are abit coarse but woooo loverly. Next, Iva Levin of Stepford Wives fame. (yes that movie) Delicious.

Quote of e Post:
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. (That is why I read)

Two Party Dichotomy

2009-07-05T03:59:00.003+08:00

Congrats to Rong Sheng for becoming the newly appointed Outpost Commander of Singapore Royal Rangers Outpost #1! Wheeee- it is a great honor to know you as a friend and as a fellow Ranger. I believe God's call on your life will send echoes and ripples impacting the lives of many others in this new role.

I just taught my FIRST lesson to my ARs ^_^ They sure are capable and decisive once they get down to it. I can vaguely begin to see how this can turn out to be a rewarding enterprise. CRR was fun :) Sadly I didn't have the presence of mind to be snapping pictures and Dilys had to leave early so the only imprint we have left of the event would be those caught through our eyes and seared to our brains - muddled by our own individual discrepancies and bias.

Last night I went for a total of two BBQ parties. They were so starkly different and painfully contrasting that I couldn't help but stop and think about how my life would have turned out- on two different ends of the spectrum.

One was RR thanksgiving for Round Up, all the ERs naturally were invited as well :) It was wholesome (somewhat) and incredibly fun. We ate, fellowshipped, worked and played together as a singular unit. The outpost. We cooked for one another and we ate together. We cleared up as a collective and we got a ride home even from people who lived out of the way- by then it was already 10.45pm. After a quick change I left and set out for SA's birthday party at his house- never for once thinking about the consequences and situations I would be faced with.

The first thing I was struck by from arrival to departure was the heavy stench of cigarette smoke in the air. I think within that 3 hours or so there I have inhaled more then my week's or even two week's worth of second hand smoke. Only going through those open gates and passing a few half-hearted greetings to old acquaintances did the severity of my displacement begin to emerge. Save for the host who, I have somehow managed to stay in contact with I have had precious little to say and share with the rest. I neither smoke, nor drank and the pounding noise that passed for music was pleasantly out of discernible range inside the house. I happily settled outside on the porch with the BBQ pit- resisting offers of food with a vengeance.

As more and more unfamiliar faces left and more familiar but relatively unknown faces popped up I felt drawn into a circle of conversation. Revolving conveniently around army, clubbing (which I have no experience of), girls and flings (of whom the names and descriptions are beyond me), drinks (which I have no interest in) and the old times. Needless to say I was a quiet observer much of the time there_ joining in only on topics where I would have any say at all.

Nearing 2 I was settled and reluctant to move. Inertia had taken its toll and me and I was comfortable sitting in that circle watching events go by until someone started rounds of drinks. The colorful bottles and intoxicating smells evaded me was I watched them mix, pour and gulp down shot glass after glass. Initially they somewhat respected my choice (It is with some small pride that they did say: what do you expect? He is Chang Xiang_ he does not drink) but as the night dragged on and inhibitions fell clouded by the smoke I did not realize that all our inhibitions had begun to slip. I was this close to a shot glass full of some transparent fluid (which by mere virtue of smell made me nauseous- it was that close to my face) when I decided it was time to take a stand and leave. No one, nobody in the world could challenge me to do something I had resolved not to. Not even old friends, for their face- not even on their 21st birthday. I had to leave.

Walking home (it was well past 2, no more public transport) I felt humbled by the experience. It must have been the prompting and courage of the Holy Spirit that I took the step of Faith. I may have spoilt some people's fun and I may have seemed unsporting. And I do sincerely apologize but there are lines in life we must not cross. I took a stand and I am proud of it.

One party, full of life and laughter, with people around who care and love one another. The other also full of laughter, but hollow, fueled by drunkenness and debauchery (out of sight at least) and of unsatisfied lives chasing the next mambo, the next shot glass, that next number, that next fling, full of people but devoid of humanity, one can easily feel very alone in a flood of familiar but equally lost faces. I felt like I have been put through a lot within a span of a day. I've seen what a life could become without Godly guidance and the simple pull of social norms. And I now pray that the righteous stand firm and maintain the standards of God who is the same yesterday, today and forever. As the old conservative generation passes for the new younger generation- I pray that the status quo is maintained, that the values which many have fought hard and long to protect will not fall to the docile, scheming enemy under the misused flag of freedom.

I know it is a ridiculous time but I can't get to sleep without getting this off my chest and my head. Blessed be the Lord our shield and strong tower.

Quote of e Post:
Heaven and earth will fade
But His word will still remain

Jumper by Third Eye Blind

2009-07-02T00:52:00.002+08:00

Song. Word.

I would understand.

Or will I?

From behind the white tape

2009-06-27T08:48:00.002+08:00

I have to give thanks to my bunk mate for lending me his itouch so I can like surf the web with greater ease. The psp browser really cmi.

We are at the height of the quarantine here and everyone can tell the mood is like bleagh- the fact that it is a saturday morning does little to help the fact that were stuck in here. Yes I know I ought to be thankful that at least I'm well and its not like were dying in here but still not being able to leave I'd a unique kind of pain... Ok there I go again, lamenting the state of our confinement. Its just so, people do miss the outside world beyond the barbed wire fence and white taped signs. At least going on fb n such helps slot.

I was just flipping through a stack of notes on fb and some blog posts when life struck me. All these people along with all their pain, joy and sorrow- this is the fruit of youth of the heart that loves and the life that flows our beyond the person it inhabits. And a line from a song kept ringing through my head: who ever wants to look back ok their youth and wonder where those years have gone. And I do see that I am such a piece. When did my story end if ever the tale of my youth did begin? Why does my memory hold so many lines of self forged sorrow? Who is this man before me I see in the mirror, face of ashen gray and eyes of pale loss? This cant be me, how could this be. I'm 21 this year! At such an age, where did my path divide along the way? Was it that fateful friend i made? Or that very first card i drew? Perhaps it was the powerful anonimity the Internet gave. Or the rush one gets from picking a fight.

One thing I confess, now, I cannot cry. Even of one I love ought to die, yea I'll feel the sadness but my face won't bend. Its been too long since it began. Rarely there are tears of rage or a few moving songs but it is altogether different to son and weep. Is that true feeling? Is that what it is to be human, what then have I become? Long ago I may have foolishly sought such emptiness, to be hollow and unaffected. It was strength I guess, but now O Lord I see my wrong. These people around me, teach me to be more like them. I am not wise and mature, I'm foolish and wretched, being super practical because that's the only way I know how.

Maybe ive tried to have another side of me. Maybe it didn't work out so well but all i know is actually. I dont know, there is just much of growing up I haven't experienced. Its not exactly living a lie, and life still goes on nevertheless but this is a line that must be breached. A bridge I have to cross. Without feeling like a phony, just a walking mass of imitation and pretense. Everyone is on the road to finding theor real me. SoME, just have a longer way to go.

Someone look me in the eye and tell me who I am, and that I'm not going, or already crazy.

Quote of e post:
was it you who spoke the words that
things would happen but not to me
all things are gonna happen naturally?

Back from 9th RU

2009-06-21T20:44:00.002+08:00

Back from Round Up! It was alot of fun :) And we all learnt that we could do things some of us previously thought would be difficult. And I got to know some people alot better :D Pictures will have to come later- and as per usual it should be on Facebook.

Goodbye Edina! Hope to see you soon :3

Why do I always only find the incentive to write when I'm just about to leave for camp?! D:

Quote of e Post:
Fear brings stubborness, skepticism, selfishness and short sighted.

Round Up 09

2009-06-18T01:12:00.002+08:00

Round up in a few hours! I'm not that hyped but still- its a camp haha. May God grant me the strength, skill and courage to lead these kids. Its going to be a testing and interesting 3 days. Another day, another story.

I'll post more again when I return! :D

Quote of e Post:
And my own two hands will comfort you
Say when

Enough for now

2009-06-15T11:44:00.002+08:00

It is good to be back! The trip was just a little short of wonderful (eat my R&R! grrr) but its still all fine and dandy. I can't share anything about the training part but all I can say is that I do believe the experience has equipped the participants with skills that we otherwise wouldn't have expected ourselves to have.

Enough about the nasty bits on to the fun part! Even though it was only one day R&R was MADNESS! SPARTA! MADNESS! Haha, feeling very blessed. First we headed to this huge theme park that housed both rides and a small zoo- the rides were split amongst five sections ie themes; one western, one arabic, one aztec and so on (We didn't have time to go to ALL okay). So whats so special? I GOT PSYCHOED TO RIDE! OH MY GOODNESS AHHH IM DYING FALLING AHHHH. Yes! If you know me I don't do uhh heights >.< so I just screamed myself hoarse up on some of those monstrosities (devices of pure human ingenuity and maliciousness I reckon) flipping, turning, swerving, twisting and falling. Thank God fo his divine protection upon my tiny life! I can handle being shot at but this? No thank you. Pictures!

Staring in wide eyed wonder- exactly HOW HIGH IS THAT?! Q.Q

The crazy vertical drop ride, I vehemently declined and even evoked the fifth

Deceptive little ride, more scary then it looks T___T

One half (okay, one quarter of the part that sticks out of the ground) of the wackiest ride on the park, the "Screaming Condor". Its a huge U shape with twists, rolls and drops. Not for the faint of heart. Or the sane.

I have a ton more pics but this isnt the place to put em :D

Back to reality, totally insanity. Did I already mention I love the new They Fray album? And I'm itching for an ipod of my own :3

Will post more again some other time- I have some zombies to burn now :D

Quote of e Post:
Breathing comes in pairs, except for twice
One begins and one's goodbye

It ain't easy to say goodbye

2009-05-28T20:22:00.002+08:00

Haven't really come to terms with the idea that I'm leaving home to go to a foreign country for what must be the longest time ever in my short life. The second longest time was at least with family, this time it will be only full of strangers. And it won't be a holiday thats for sure. Ah, I don't know >.< Just not comfortable with the whole idea. I don't know if I'll sleep at all tonight. I have to get up and go to the airport quite early tomorrow.

Having some of the stupidest of problems. Namely like not being able to find a suitable carry on bag =/ Forget it, I think i'll just bring along my OPs bag as my civilliang bag. Its just so much more... comfortable. Not to mention convenient (since it is really quite spacious) but there will an increased propensity for me to bring uhh useless things.

Crap, I left the magnetic scrabble set in camp D: And I didn't have time to take the GBC games from Sylvia :( Oh well I didn't bring enough batteries to power the gbc throughout the trip anyway. I think I'll just bring a stack of books and be done with it. Maybe I'll finally finish some of them.

I'm boucing back and forth between emo-ing and getting worked up / excited over the trip. So it depends on which time of the day you asked me with regards to the answer you would recieve. All in all part of me hopes the entire affair will conclude itself asap, on the other hand another part of me wants to really feel and live the experience.

I really have to sleep >.> 5 hours left.

Quote of e Post:
And if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime

Follow Up

2009-05-24T20:07:00.001+08:00

Perhaps one is unable to recognize a feeling for what it is. The signs the mind chooses to recognize and the signals the body sends can at time run contrary. Maybe there was some grounds for worry, thinly veiled and reinterpreted by the ever vigilant mind.

Still- isn't it quite natural? That there are people you just feel comfortable with- and it is natural to be compelled... To want to be close to them, protect them from harm. To make them laugh, and watch them smile. To see that glint in their eyes and hear their light laughter. To stand with them against the treacherous world and comfort them under trial. To hold their hand through cold frosty nights and fan each other under sweltering heat. To share sweet draughts under tinted skies and sing away the dank moonlight.
To steal secret moments of crackling bliss amidst little slivers of silence bound grief. To bolster one another amidst adversity and share each others pain.

Perhaps just maybe it happens once, twice, three times, too many times, too often. And so you say- after all these time, really: what do I know?

Honestly I thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.

-

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

-

Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

-

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

-

Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
.
But suffice it to say
We're leaving things unsaid
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead

All old stuff, but still I like The Fray >.< They haven't released an album you can buy in stores (the rest can be bought online) since 2003 and they grew popular on the back of two songs- How to Save a Life and Cable Car. But early this year they released a self titled album =/ (strange choice, self titled after so long?) I'm acquiring it now. Hope they don't disappoint me! Seems like many members have changed, please tell me they have retained the old style.

This weekend was super ultra busy! Even though we booked out early on Friday the briefing took more out of me then expected. RT in the morning then Rangers (I'm glad I went early) followed by discipleship class which was fun haha, the time flew by faster then I expected it to. Note to self, don't buy fries from the coffee shop haha.

Sunday was equally a blur but thankfully I manged to assemble everything I needed (I think) Service these days are all about going Back to Basics- I think God is really trying to tell this generation something. God never changes, He has never changed from the OT to the NT to now, yet there are less miracles, there is less "power"_ the only factor that has changed is us. I want to know what went wrong and where it fell so. Our lack of faith is disturbing.

The details of our trip are supposed to be secret so I can't tell it all (yea right) but suffice to say it will be testing, it will be tiring and it will be a new experience. Pray hard that I return in one piece.

Sometimes people ask me, why I "burn" all my Saturday and Sundays when I could be out doing "normal things" like watching movies, shopping and playing games. That we shouldn't be too into "religion" and "church things"- not that it is bad but devoting all weekends and even spending leave and off to pursue these- it is madness to them.

But I know one thing, and I am reminded by this quote by a missionary that "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." And likewise with money and all other resources I have once read- if we consider all our life, time and money God given: then it no longer becomes a sacrifice on our part- instead tithing is our way of thanking God for letting us use the other 90% of His money! What a shift in thinking! Why do I use two days of my week to pursue God? Because I have "squandered" the other five days and I see it only fit that I offer Him what is due.

Tell me who- wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone? - I hope You Dance [Lee Ann Womack]

I am under-utilizing my new camera D:

Lord, point me who.

Quote of e Post:
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along

Small little fears

2009-05-17T18:52:00.002+08:00

Only being able to update ONCE a week is super annoying... Because by the time I come round to it the impact is lost- because I forget haha.

Less then two weeks left to ROC and still no news! Are they planning to leave us hanging and go "SURPRISE! Lets go now!" D: Its totally ridiculous. This is a BIG event, there has got to be some measure of preparation and such. Still have only a sketchy idea what we're going to do over there... the unknown makes things scarier then it actually is (or isn't).

Outfield tomorrow D: Operation Rising Spartan- Hope this means I still have nights out on Tuesday... or more accurately. I hope this means I dont still have guard duty on tuesday. If I come back from outfield and still need to do guard duty I'm going to flip! There just aren't enough people in C4 even with SP5 in because of all the chaokeng and Pes C people. Haiz, more work to go around, less people to do it! Aren't the juniors supposed to be helping lighten our workload?? D:

SIX MORE MONTHS- I can't help but wait

Last night was creepy. Frighteningly enough I didn't really consider such possibility... you're like the cool little sister my uhh not so cool little sister isn't turning out to be. And I hope I'm like the brother your brother sadly somehow- isn't how you and your parents imagined him to be. Its that simple, hand in glove. What does it mean to "back off"? =/

The Click Five - Mary Jane
I didn't cry the day you moved away
I didn't think that I could feel this pain
Until I saw the stranger that was you

Whatever happened to our innocence
And the somethin' that you said about being friends
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
That nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

I need to wake up from this state of mind
This situation is a staying kind
I gotta get your memory out of my head

Would you catch me if I had to fall
Would you even find the time for that at all
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
That nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

Cause time has taken back
Everything I thought we had
Tell me how (Mary Jane)
Help me say the words out loud

Could it be
Nothings gonna change
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Can't you see
The girl you used to be
The one I lost when I let go of you
Oh whatever happened to
Mary Jane

Oh whatever happened to Mary Jane
-----------------------------------

Quote of e Post:
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had

Dare not speak

2009-05-03T19:48:00.004+08:00

But cinnamon rolls won't hug you back, and they go to pieces if you cry on them.

What can I do?

ROC approaches as NTC wanes

2009-05-03T18:51:00.002+08:00

OH MY GOSH TIME TRAVELS IN A BLINK! It passes kind of fast, but not fast enough =/

NTC is over. It was a wonderful experience :) Not alot more to say. I miss going to training camps (actually just camps, period- round up and kelong here i COME!)

But while NTC ends it signals the entry of May. And the entry of May brings with it the introduction of ROC!! Going to Taiwan at the end of the month (28th I think) means that I ahve barely 3 weeks left before I go off to a foreign land for half a month T___T My apprehension was the same as the apprehension I had towards NTC. But now after the camp- I have learnt to take things in my stride. I can't be as bad as I think it is- well naturally it would not end as quickly as NTC and the staff would be no where as near as supportive and caring. But still I belive God can bring me through this too. If there was one thing NTC helped me with it would be to grapple with the upcoming ROC.

That means I ahve to go pack. Again. Time to hit beach road and stock up on heavy duty ziplock bags.

I wanted to watch X-men Origins: Wolverine! D: Its kinda petty to keep going back to this but meh. No fun watching movies alone right?

Time to go back in again, strike days off a calender. 5 days to go to the next weekend. 3 more weeks to ROC.

Quote of Post:
Kopi O! Someone KO!
Coca Cola 7 up!

NTC incoming

2009-04-28T23:28:00.002+08:00

NTC is tomorrow!! I really ought to sleep but I'm so up to my neck in packing and repacking that I really can't even take a nap. How to fit all that stuff into one bag?? D:

Excited and scared. Fun :D

Going off to sleep now- lol nth much else to say

Quote of e Post:
Does that mean I have to walk on water?

My Life Would Suck Without You

2009-04-17T12:56:00.004+08:00

Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you've said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let you go
Oh yeah-

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
-----------------------------------------------

Couldn't help re-posting :3 Its so stuck on me. Stupid commercial xD But a commercial that gets stuck is a good commercial so kudos. MUCH EFFORT~ LITTLE EFFORT!

Normally if I complain that I have no time to read the books I borrow from the library chances are I found something more engaging to do with my time and thus I haven't spent any time reading >.< (read- gaming or watching shows) So I really can't blame the NLB, 3 weeks is really long a time. If I had nothing else to distract me I could plow through 4 books (depending on what they're about) anytime from 2 days to a week (or if I really wanna read it, I can go through 2 books that are in series in a day, tiring but so fun)

So yea, kick me and tell me to get a move on! I have 4 books that I'm lugging around but not reading thanks to Disgaea x_x but but its soooo fun, ok fine not fun fun but fun as in there is so much to be done that you get real kick out of accomplishing any small part of it.

Just came back from mentoring lesson, did a DISC profiling (again?!) but in church context. Cos I was doing with a more Rangers mindset it turned out to be a ISCD result, which is very different from my usual outside SCID result. I dunno, maybe in a general church / youth / cell context `I"" may not come out tops. As to getting a mentee, whats a guy got to do to get a break around here?

Just bumming around in a boring room. Our ORD function is merged with the sept batch so like it will be in August. Stupid thing? AFTER the function we have a great 4 more months left so why can't we just follow the alpha bravo people who also ord in december? So extra- zzzz

Dropping off now, argh, eyes in pain! Ankle in pain! Nuuuu

Quote of e Post:
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go

Meet you at the statue in an hour

2009-04-05T01:45:00.003+08:00

With the week ended my feet gave a faint cry of relief. This entire week has been nothing but panting and looking at the floor while running. Running in vest slack. Running in PT kit. Running in sbo attire. Running up slope. Running down slope. Running in the morning. Running in the noon. Running in the night. Nothing but running and this culture does not seem to be waning any time soon. My legs are killing me and my right ankle is in pain- but neither hurt as much as the idea that it will be the same the next week, and the next. And the next.

The Ranger's Kampung games days was super fun. I'm super proud of all the ERs for what the have accomplished today, it was your show and you made it a sellout. Great job everyone!

After rangers the uh commanders went for dinner, its was a more somber affair as compared to an outing with the "kids". Nevertheless it was a learning experience picking up tidbits along the way. Plus I managed to return all my books and borrow a book I was looking forward to- 5 minutes before closing time at the library. And maybe my love went past on a bicycle. I couldn't tell, she was like the wind, there yet not there- whispering sweet nothings and nothing at all into my ear. A faint, teasing trickle. Perhaps my eyes did me wrong, I cannot be sure - what I did see and what I did hear.

Crap. I miss you.

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase

San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and Well he May.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare

The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he’s praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside the diamond is a wrench

I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

Quote of e Post:
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend

Watashi ga Taosenai

2009-03-29T20:54:00.003+08:00

Service today was wonderful. I don't know if it was the powerful movement during worship, the ministry time after worship or the atmosphere of the sermon itself but things felt different- good different, real. It was beautifully timely with regards to the little outbursts I had yesterday- but it also invited more questions then it provided answers. {superrandomup}Suddenly macross, do you remember love?{superrandomover} Hmmm, a full 5 day week in camp ahead and this long awaited weekend seems to be less then spectacular- at least less then I had envisioned it in my mind's eye. The feel/mood just isn't there after going back to camp. Its like your mind literally changes completely rewired. And I owe the NLB books again.

Sometimes I feel this and sometimes I feel that, sometimes I don't know what I feel sometimes I'm not even sure if what I feel is what I am feeling or just what I think it feels like but at times like this I feel that I feel way too little. The flow of ideas should be familiar, I've done it about a bajizillion times before. Do you mean what you say, do you feel it as truth all the time? Is everything you portray true to who you are? Then again, how does one know who one is- do you have any idea who you are? To yourself, to others.

I am iron man, too sturdy already. Can't fall sick and can't get injured even if I want to (read want to, not try too) so while everyone is getting status and dropping out left and right I am left to be a good, long suffering soldier. I really am beginning to hate this, but with God's help hanging on is all I can do.

Relapsing back into the emo kind of mood again. going back to camp brings this sort of change the rain helps the load but does nothing for the mood. I want to run away-

All of a sudden I don't want to go to ROC :( Send someone else instead!

Quote of e Post:
Why does it always rain on me

Explodet

2009-03-29T01:50:00.003+08:00

Seems like the facebook era of notes is over and the era of quizzes is upon us! Quizzes about everything from what nationality you "really" are to stupid things like when will you die or what mythical animal are you. It is all in good fun of coure but the sheer number of poorly created quizzes will get to you. Eventually.

Dinner out was wonderful, even if a whole bunch of people were missing. If only I had remembered to draw money before going off I'd really have gotten a good meal out of it! What a pity T_T THESE DAYS SHOULD NEVER END!! Six hundred and twenty four thousand one hundred and two pizzas for one xD

I don't want to complain but the prospect of a full week in camp really does nothing at all for my optimism. Just being in there is stifling, somehow choking in ways I can't explain.

The weekend is really too short since Im totally full up on activities- come back saturday morning and 3 hours later Im off to GE where I'll probably be till night and if we throw dinner into the mix thats my day up till 10pm or so. That is Saturday. Sunday starts off in the afternoon at 12pm (but I usually wake up in the late morning, plus there is nothing going on in the earlier morning that we can get to on SUNDAY) and I am fully booked until 6pm. Book in is at 10pm. Now does one see how I like have no time to do misc stuff like browse the library, watch movies, hang out and the like? Its not like I'm complaining but the weekend really flies by too quickly to be of any substance. And I am beginning to grow tired of having no breaks back to back.

I WANT TO GET AWAY!!!!!!!!

Try to take leave for Jun 18 to 20th for Round Up, hopefully it will serve me very well :) But like all things, try la- try. Since I have no idea when ROC is going to end and if the allow me to go on camp (practically overseas leave) while on "off".

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to explode. Gragghhh, I don't know what I feel anymore.

Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right, be with you day and night

I can't tell, maybe...

~~baby all i need is time~~

Quote of e Post:
Just hang around and you'll see
There's nowhere I'd rather be
If you love me, trust in me
The way that I trust in you

Back in Black

2009-03-27T19:59:00.002+08:00

THIS IS A COMPLAINT POST D: so skidaddle if you're looking for some proper content haha

You know the saying that is never rains but pours? I'm getting very well acquainted with the concept by virtue of being back in camp, and its been only two days! First up, our juniors are here but somehow guard duty is still partially our responsibility! Wow! To make things better I originally was not slated to do any duty last night but a bunk mate hurt his foot (actually its an old injury flareup, which to be honest I find very convenient - did I mention he isn't doing RT tomorrow either?)

So anyway, from no duty and a good night's sleep to guard duty with a bossy BOS. Tio kan by the BOS for talking on duty, its not like I'm not looking for neglecting my job, I'm just talking to the gate IC, who is also doing his job. (The CCTV guy had no excuse, he was outside the room all the screens were in haha) Other than that and a very uptight evening (The BOS decided to sleep over at the guard house) good thing we managed to maneuver our way out of doing staff parade and miraculously evaded no less then 3 turnouts! All by being on duty.

Thank God OC wasn't in camp the past few days due to the Army safety and innovation day (which is a total farce if only you knew the "brilliant" ideas the award winners had) which left us relatively free from pain and terror.

Oh crap I ahve to go back now, more tomorrow! Yay Rangers!

Little House

2009-03-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

Work is done! Deployment is OVER!! Going back to Maju on Wednesday :3 Can't wait for the coming weekend so I can see everyone again!

It has been half a year since I produced anything, until this morning (or yesterday if you want to be picky about it) Perhaps it was the rain, perhaps it was the 4 cups of coffee swimming in my system, perhaps it was the soft ticking of someone's clock in the pitch dark room, perhaps it was the music on my player. I don't know, but it wasn't pleasant- which in a way was precisely what I wanted.

Waha, I got tagged by Alicia to do this :P So I will! Now all I need is for this to pop up on facebook too and I can just do my best copypasta :)

1:Besides your lips,where is your favorite spot to get kissed?
-Back of the neck :3

2:How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
-(You meant this evening) Hopeful

3:Who was the last person you took a photo with?
-All the Rangers :D Too many to name

4:Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
-Sometimes it dawns upon me that I'm too blessed but then at times, nah- I am

5:Would you ever donate blood?
-I would if they found a way to do it without needles >.<

6:Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
-Yep

7:Do you want someone dead?
-Used to, but then you soon find there are things worse then death in life

8:What does your last text message says? (from me or to me?)
-"... its ok de, time is not a problem for me"

9:What are you thinking of right now?
-What to do tomorrow hmmm

10:Do you wish someone was with you right now?
-Right now? Like as compared to every single moment? Who does not?

11:What time did you get to sleep last night?
-(Once again, you mean this morning) An unholy 11am

12:Where did you buy the t-shirt you are wearing now?
-Didn't buy it, it was given from 2008 WCG Asian Championships Singapore Finals :D (disclaimer: I was NOT a participant-)

13:Is someone on your mind right now?
-Yeah...

14:Who was the last person who texted you?
-Rongsheng

15:10 people to do this quiz
1) Cheryl
2) Paula
3) Norman
4) Qian Xiang
5) Dilys
6) Jonathan
7) Joel
8) Anna
9) Wai Keat
10) Baoyi

16:Who is 2 having a relationship with?
-Shawn! At least I think it is spelled like that haha

17:Is 3 a male or female?
-Male

18:If 7 and 9 can together,is that a good or bad thing?
-Very very very bad haha

19:What is number 1 studying now?
-Rushing homework, or so she says ;)

20:Is number 4 single?
-I suppose so, wouldn't be surprised even if he weren't

21:Say something about number 5
-None, read - not a single one of us will forget you even if you leave for years

22:What do you think about number 3 and 6 being together?
-Super Bad, why are all my pairings homo? =/

23:Describe number 1
-The cutest, period.

24:What will you do if number 6 and 7 fight?
-Watch the fun and maybe join in to stop 7 from stomping 6 flat haha

25:Do you like number 8?
-Yes :D She's smacking brilliant!
___________________________________________________________________________

There done! haha, if you read it you MUST do it, or I will flooooooood your FB wall with nonsense (you can start with [Airman will not die] xD)

Okay, will update again shortly: grr my SATA 160gb HDD is dead D:

Quote of e Post:
Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about

Okkusenman

2009-03-20T08:28:00.003+08:00

My Memories are 110 Million
I’ve done this when I was a kid
It’s a faded memory
A red and white cap on my head
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

When I was a kid, a fond memory
When I eat curry and stuff
Silver spoons on my eyes
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(In the forgotten photo album)
I can’t go back to those times
(Photos of myself doing stupid things)
Anymore
(Laughing with friends)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Where are those guys now?
What are? they doing?
The answer is still unclear
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The courage you gave me is
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Dramatic

We’ve done this when we were kids
Wearing the 3D glasses
That came with magazines
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Memories we’ve forgotten as we grew up
Revives vividly
Making an L with our arms
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

Even if I look back
(Opening the aged diary)
I can’t go back to those times
(On the faded pages)
Anymore
(The name of my first crush)
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!
Now I just look back to those times
I was able to laugh innocently
Unaware of inpure things
Ultraman, Ultraman Seven!

But now I’ve forgotten all that
And I’m living each day
Like I’m being chased by something

The scenery I’ve overlooked was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that have passed were
Graffiti
The courage you gave me was
110 Billion! 110 Billion!
The seasons that? have passed were
Dramatic
_______________________________________________

I guess most people won't care to look too much past the screechy singing (which I feel adds the raw emotion needed for the song anyway) and strange theme (ultraman right, who actually watches that, huehuehuehue BR >.>) but the lyrics do mean something that strikes a rare chord_ I cannot but weep. The idea was nostalgia, fair enough. Poor guy in the video, at least he managed to remember and enjoy the past before it was too late.

How is it when one is young as a child, anything was possible (the idea is widely propagated to the children by every grown up as a form of encouragement anyway) but as one grew you'd learn there were very specific social slots one would have to fall into and the people you once chased dreams with fell along the wayside into paths of their own choosing or wherever life dragged them. As the script of ones life continues unfolding soon you'll find yourself thankful for doing the same and it is hard to shake out of the monotony and ask: What happened to those times long ago, not so much the silly things you did as kids but the ambitions and energy. The excitement of life and courage to dream granted by those dreams - all suppressed, downplayed impracticality. I don't want to live like that.

Deployment is all over, I'm going back to Maju next week probably for good (till ORD if OC SD has his way with the deployment). A good thing would be now I will be able to go for Rangers every week (yay!) The bad thing? No more cell ever... and I won't have any internet connection throughout the week save for Saturday afternoon till Sunday night- during which I will be busy outside anyway.

Hmm, I've already submitted my admission to NUS (again) for this year and maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty. Although it IS true that there isn't many other options open right now it would have helped to give the entire thing some thought. Maybe economics isn't as inaccessible as I had imagined- maybe I will find something to love in the multilayered mess that business seems to be. Maybe there is some merit in another course I hadn't considered or even in another university where it would be easier to get a course of my choice (maybe) despite it having less prestige. I don't know, I can't look into the future and I cannot turn back the clock either.

Stress is bad on the heart, best not stress oneself up too much. Any more heart wrenching / gut twisting and my insides will all go out of funk (if they already aren't) [ RANDOM ] Hmm, even though the translated title goes under My Memories are (worth) 110 Million the song itself only makes reference to the number 110 billion- a disturbing lack of consistency. Need at proper moontalk speaker to figure out of okkusenman is 110 million or 110 billion [ RANDOM ]

Quote of e Post:
The courage you gave me is
110 billion! 110 billion!

MISSING NOTICE

2009-03-09T09:20:00.002+08:00

Haha, sure is good to be back and type a post in real time :3

I got some rather disturbing news concerning the state of my deployment (actually all our deployment) but I am not at liberty to reveal anything. Crap_ if the news is true it would be totally unfun. But for now everything is cool, all the television you can watch (when you're not doing anything), irregular work hours, no direct superiors above you, free flow iced water (squeee!!) and almost free flow coffee (drool). Haha, deployment is like heaven and in camp is hell on the "relax" scale.

I haven't written anything new in a long time. It just isn't coming you know- I guess it was true then...

Artists paint, we are artists too, but we paint in words.

Pain, love, tragedy, hate, longing - such are our drugs, our catalyst to set in motion a great work

Long term overuse results in many symptoms including but not limited to mental instability, loss of touch with reality, disillusionment, acute awareness, confusion, emotional fluctuation, substance abuse, split personalities, irregular sleep patterns, waking nightmares, living dreams, fitful sleep, inexplicable cravings and impulses, withdrawal from societal norms and in some cases death (as a by product, not the final work)

People exhibiting such symptoms should seek help without delay wherever they can find anyone they can trust who is willing to listen and sift through mountains of rabble.

This is a public service announcement. Thank you.

Also:

MISSING

Have you see this girl?

[Picture removed for anonymity]

Was last seen between the lines of sanity and madness, dreams and reality. Has not been seen or heard of physically since. She has delicious black eyes and has naturally black hair with cherry pink lips. Was last seen wearing her heart on her sleeve and clothed in moonlight.

Frequently haunts places with caffeine, dreams and each waking moment.

Call 9248-37-63 (wait-fr-me)

Reward: Eternal gratitude

Merely Earth

2009-03-08T23:46:00.000+08:00

Sunday morning. CET starts today if I remember correctly, and I was looking forward to it too (well, alright- just to see what my class is about haha, I don't even remember what class I'm in) A-level results were just out and while I'm not up to date with how many people did (who am I kidding, I know no one save one) as I suspected it was a small step up from last year's results give or take a little as the tutors have got a better grip on what the SEAB is looking for.

Even though the trailer is barely airing in Singapore I've just watched Confessions of a Shopaholic. Based on the novels of the same title- it really is a movie that sits snugly in the romantic comedy category (more comedy then romantic though) and by that virtue alone it sits high on my list. The plot is simple and while predictable, provides a watcher with no prior knowledge of the story a decent entertainment experience. I give it a respectable 3.5 out of 5 - if watching alone. But add company up to a bunch of friends and I will give this 4 out of 5 :) Good stuff to laugh and bond over.

You can own the earth and still
All you own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

It has always been a powerful song but there is an impact that I haven't felt till recently. You can own the earth and still ALL YOU OWN is earth. You can have everything, but until it means something, all you have is just that - it has a cost but no worth, no value. Cost and worth are very different things. And that line (the cost and worth quote, is from Confessions by the way) really struck a chord with me. Something may cost you everything, but what is it worth? And there are things whose worth outweighs all else, which will cost you dearly - not materially but it will demand of your life - and in that way, cost you nothing but that much which is allocated to it. Like Cordelia says to Lear, she loves her as much as her duty dictates, no more no less- which is in quantity far more then her sisters whose fanciful compliments to "love their father all" count for. Limited and defined but still true and of immeasurable depth.

Why is it difficult to share one's true feelings? What makes it so much harder for introverts and people who have to think through each move? I find that it is fearfully frightening to shift the balance of power. By handing the truth over to the other party, the power to make or break is in their hands and to us, such a risk carries the potential for a devastating response. A rejection is hard to swallow but what I feel is scarier is the possibility that the other party actually agrees, what then? What can one do based upon a feeling or ideal, what can one substantiate a relationship upon beyond the bindings of awkward unfamiliarity. A feeling can be strong but beyond a feeling that will fade as quickly as it overcame you what then. Will it live and flourish upon the gnarly soil of uncertainty? That is the hurdle, that is the limitation which cannot be easily overcome.

Quote of e Post:
Tripping over myself
I'm going nowhere

Your Call

2009-03-08T09:12:00.000+08:00

And im tired of being all alone
And this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

I am so tired of being all alone. Is it such a crime, to feel affection for more then one person? To want to build a connection that is more than casual with the people you know, not just a few but a whole range? To really get close and intimate with who they are behind closed doors, without all the masks, personas, suits and titles. Think what you will, but really? All I want to do is talk and in return to hear and understand what their souls are saying, not their lips.

In the moonlight, your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds I suppose
And you hair flows like the ocean breeze
Not a million fights could make me hate you
You're invincible yea its true
Its in your eyes that I find peace

I remember when I first heard about you. We were on bikes, cycling along the coast and I heard him talking about how you two sat under the moonlight on that rock. It was probably at that time, when an image of who you were began forming in my minds eye. When you materialised in the flesh it would feel as the song said: "I knew I loved you before I met you, I must have dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you, I have been waiting all my life." I remember, telling someone (or no one) after getting to know you a little, that you were the person I had dreamt of being, brought to life as another before my very eyes - it was a living miracle. Irresistable, your very existance calling to me like no one else did. Never before did I feel the need to have and hold, to keep safe and protect, to know and understand any one single person. The intensity is unparallelled.

I don't mind writing this- I don't even care what is public or private anymore. I am the only one who would bother enough, who would even consider to look through archives, to read more then is written, to read what is written but encoded in plain sight, to encode what I want to but dare not say into harmlessness. No one would care to even know it is there, to suspect something is amiss. I'm making more then one post out of this session and I know no one reads more then the latest one. So I don't care, I'm writing it here. I am besotted with you Chelmin Lim, I have been ever since I've known you and I'll do more then anything to find you again.

If anyone actually reads this (or if by some cruel trick google picks up the use of a proper noun structure in a name search and comes upon this post) rest assured I do feel slightly (very) apprehensive to posting "sensitive" content for all the world on the internet but what choice do I have. It will tear its way out of my chest sooner or later and keeping it in is killing me. I will keep doing my best to be someone you can be proud of. I may not be your intellectual or emotional equal but that is what mystifies me and enraptures my heart. I'd take that chance.

If one gets here on raw endurance having tried to read everything on the page then by golly, would I ever like to meet someone who expresses such a great interest in my life and ramblings. Such people always leave a deep impression and are not easily forgotten_ which is also why I want to take a great interest in the lives of as many people as I'd care to- to leave that deep impression upon their lives.

Quote of e Post:
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you

Everybody Lies

2009-03-05T02:47:00.002+08:00

I've been having some food cravings the past few days, for pizza (their 2 for 1 advertisements are really quite effective) and thai food (more precisely thai express's soft shell crab curry set- i blame it wholly on the delicious wallpaper of all us ERs on the desktop). The long awaited day of booking out has finally arrived! The three days shifts have always been received with dread because it always seems to drag on and last far longer. The three day shifts under the new shift system are even worse because it only precedes a dreary weekend spent within these walls. How horrid!

Its annoying how there is not a wireless connection anywhere nearby to leech on within the KINS, granted it IS rather remote but even in camp we are surrounded by schools left and right and there is a faint (but unusable) signal to be picked up on but here? Nothing! Not a drop! The worst part? I actually heard that there IS a wireless connection to leech nearby - witnessed by previously deployed people but I can't find it. Grrr.

Having precious little to do (alright, I have books to read but I am particularly lazy to do anything that resembles study or work) I actually stumbled upon the folder where I tucked all the little farewell gifts I gave to my classmates when we graduated from SR a little over one year ago. How hard I tried to craft something from the little I knew of these people who spent nearly two years me! I must admit that other then hanging out with Jerrold and Victor there was pitifully little interaction with the rest of the class :/ It is a little late to regret it now but joining this and the little conversations I had with Jonathan on the bus it does seem schooling is rather pleasant. I'm sure its just the "grass-is-greeener-on-the-other-side"syndrome acting up again. Even though I know my grades were pulled purely on the grace of God, maybe if I had actually worked more on it I wouldn't have tanked so hard on Econs... Even God has to have something to work with to multiply into a miracle haha.

Sometimes don't you feel like a prisoner trapped within this world? Within the well defined shores of our island home, within the controlled chaos of the world and its dying rules and infrastructure. If even America can fall, the rest of the world won't be long after. Its a restless egging that says softly but relentlessly - there must be more. It is at times such as these that the old verse comes to mind- This world is not my home, I'm just a passer by. In the world but not of the world.

Darn, it is only nearly 9am and before I've gotten round to being sleepy the false knocks of "hunger" aka mouth itchy are rousing. Boo, now I'll have a hard time falling asleep haha. I'm just soooo lazy xD

Based purely on experience I can concur that the Rachel Ray show outstrips the Martha Steward morning show by far when it comes to being entertaining, The Rachel Ray show is nearly on par with Ellen DeGeneres but her raspy voice and lack of guests make her show quite lacking in comparison, but I do so enjoy her tips on decorating on a budget and her today's dinner segment, ever tantalizing. Night time television past 12 also extends itself to dramas like Desperate Housewives (mon), Greys Anatomy (tues), Nip//Tuck (not my kind of show but the Bravo coy medic loves it) and my favorite; House (Only once a week on fridays, how unfair is that? But Friday also has Survivor *squeal*) The point of this passage? That there is so little to do at night we are resolved to milk the television of all entertainment value haha. Sad but true.

I like House. He is cool- if being cool means one is a "misanthrope", a "cynic" and a "curmudgeon" haha_ no wonder I think I'm becoming kind of like him haha. A cynic, a misanthrope (which means someone who distrusts or views humanity with disdain) and a curmudgeon (an ill tempered person full of stoic old ideas and opinions)- heck! I'm even becoming lame like he is (i mean he has to walk with a cane cos his left leg is crippled but you get the lame bit) haha. Todays title is a tribute to him haha its his "trade mark phrase"": Everybody lies

Quote of e Post:
Oh dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
The world you must have crossed

Mad Houses

2009-03-03T19:26:00.001+08:00

Why are there two posts today? Well, today Bravo left and Foxtrot took over and the handing over process is a long and noisy affair which ahs no boundaries. From 8am to 1pm I was repeatedly interrupted from any semblance of rest by the unearthly racket of discontent human traffic and the shifting of stores in and out of the compound. The walls of this room are thin enough to let one hear anyone in the room next door singing, offering very little protection against noise, much less the kind made by unprofessional movers. Once I fell asleep at around 1.15pm (the abrupt end to the sms trail on my phone told me as much) I had put a decent but insufficient 5 hours of rest behind me to awaken at 6, in time to resume my usual ritual and duties.

I was flipping through my phone (what is left of whatever is inside it anyway- since the internal memory is inaccessible) and I found an old note with an interesting quote:

Mad houses are large and only too numerous; yet surely it is strange they are not larger, when we think of how many helpless wretches must throw their brains against this hopeless persistence of the orderly outward world, as compared with the storm and tempest, the riot and confusion within: -when we remember how many minds must tremble upon the narrow boundary between reason and unreason, mad today and sane to-morrow, mad yesterday and sane to-day. (Lady Audley's Secret, May Elizabeth Braddon)

While the source has been unverified it is safe to say this little marvel of the human ingenuity does indeed strike a chord of truth. Where does the line between a great thinker and a raving lunatic end? I have never believed that insanity is a medical problem that can be treated simply with medication. When the mindis involved it is no longer merely treating an ailing tissue or organ, there is intelligence beneath that which one cannot hope to retain while altering the chemical make up of its physical form.

The mind and the heart have been clearly separated when it comes to the matter of feelings and emotions but when one considers that the heart is merely a large muscle that never stop pumping, shunting old blood one side and shooing fresh blood another- it seems wholly foolish to blame any feelings on this poor overestimated organ of ours. Modernity has found the source to be the unassuming grey matter in our skulls, the weak, flimsy lump that accounts for so much more then we would have guessed. Do we then live within the confines of our mind, truly living within that place since its content is the only difference we share with one another?

Alright enough prattling, I have a bad stomachache (I don't think lunch agreed with me) and I have to change, last shift! I'm so looking forward to going back home <3

Quote of e Post:
You are the God who saves us
Worthy of all our praises

Desperate People

2009-03-03T09:44:00.001+08:00

One of the great yet small comforts of the world (in my humble opinion) is being able to sit somewhere silently, with pleasant music of your choice with a book; and in that peacfulness just allow yourself to be absorbed into what you're reading. To not merely see and process the words but to understand and grasp the feelings and intent behind each sentence and paragraph. That is why I enjoy reading the "life story" of people, not exactly autobiographies but as a story, revealing the persons life as you read on. Well written it will seem as though you have aged and lived with that person, actually being there when each individual influential moment of their life unfolded and watching them grow into the person they eventually became and died as.

People these days grow up faster- some even argue that children grow up too fast. But what exactly does one mean by "growing up"? Is it the exposure to more mature themes and ideas that usually are associated with adults? The acquirement of a range of emotions and understanding that comes with the wisdom and experience of age? The ability to understand and handle more responsiblity and tasks simultaneously? Teens are as adequately equipped as any adult to face any task just as well or even better. Mature themes and ideas are not merely avaliable but thrown in the faces of the young, bombarding them as they grow up through the media and society around them. Experience and the maturity it proffers is the only thing that still can't be replaced by any guide book or tutorial. Seeing how the peope of the past differ from the people of today- sure we may be far more efficient and comfortable but it on the whole happiness and productivity have fallen. Perhaps it is better to grow living through things rather then plucking it out of the drama unfolding around us.

The common cry of the young of our generation (pardon this old man) the newer generations is heard from every spectrum of the economic and social spectrum- IM BORED! SO SIAN! Even at a tender age of ten to fifteen, these newts barely acquainted with the world behave with a disdain that comes from a man at his deathbed, one who has spent all their life chasing every conceivable pleasure of the world and having lived it all discovers that all is mere foolishness. What is the meaning of this? I believe that even though they have yet to live through life in their physical time, they have lived far too long via proxy. They may have never experienced falling in love, losing a family member, getting married, giving birth to their first child etc etc but they have already seen, heard and felt it all through the world around them, via proxy. Too normal, too simple, too mundane - too boring. Life just isnt living enough anymore with nothing new in it. "Oh I've already read about that 20 years ago, its no big deal". Bringing me back to the point - life is more worth living if we grow up actually living it rather then only "experiencing it".

Tried to say goodbye and I choked
Tried to walk away and I stumbled
Though I try to hide it its clear
My world crumbles when You are not near
You're everywhere to me
When I close my eyes its You i see
You're everything I know that makes me believe
Im not alone
When I look at the stars
I see someone else

Its not surprising to see that many secular songs are just as adept as being praise as any other (once we change the subject in question)

Quote of e Post:
And Im tired - of being all alone
And these solitary moments make me want to come back home

I have Control

2009-03-02T09:10:00.000+08:00

Normally one would be unable to type anything ie blog in the KINS since everything you type out there on the computers are encrypted, even notepad files - so I cant even type out ny thoughts there and bring it home on my ext hdd. But now with a laptop its so simple and intuitive. Just type it out on the laptop and upload it when I have access to the internet anytime in the future.

I want to really thank Jonathan for giving ne this opportunity, it really can only be God's plan and timing, Not only did He meet my need but God also used it as a way to meet someone else's need! Im only sorry that Dilys couldn't get her pink netbook replacement (or it'd be a triple deal, I know how frustrating it is to have an incomplete "collection") That just goes to show how amazing our God is. Im still not used to typing on a laptop keypad but i believe i will get used to it very soon. As long as I keep practicing it will soon come to me, the biggest difference I feel now is the lack of a home and end key, this layout has its own dedicated delete key so I have no complaints there.

Sure a laptop isnt powerful enough to play games properly ie- L4D but like Jon said, its made for WORK, and work is what I plan to do with it :3 A computer for dedicated surfing, chatting, watching videos and typing does not need to be powerful- heck it can even be rather weak and still work out perfectly fine.

Life is a maze and love is a riddle.

I really dont give alot of thought to BGR (Not surprisingly considering the past miserable track record I have if one would even call that a track record) but hearing Jonathan talk about marriage and saving money along with the fact we're really not that far apart age wise (I am living in a very complex denial system, my age to me is my real age give and take minus 2 or 3 years, so imo now Im only a very decent 17 or 18- not 21) is rather jarring. Shocking but true.

我等的人她在多元的未来？
我排着队拿着爱的跑马牌-

This person, Lord, am I to seek her our will our paths cross eventually? Is she out there asking the same questions- hoping her destined one will fall into her lap along the passage of time? Is it true that one can't help but wait_ even "golden couples" break and up and go their seperate ways; the punishment for taking fate into your own hands? Or the result of trying to fit round pegs into square holes?

Its not like I'm beginning to feel desperate or anything like that. Its just that suddenly life seems super short- I'm already 21, and our life expectancy is around 60 to 70 so one can already consider their life one-third over! Isn't that horrifying? Does it put you on your toes, feeling like your days are numbered to do what you've been put on earth to do? To accomplish everything you want to? Its sobering isn't it?

Even though the setting is highly distruptive- I do not regret taking up the calling to serve in AR simple because there is this huge need there that I see can and should be filled. These boys are growing up, they are gaining a sense of self-awareness that has to be properly appreciated to reach the person within, beyond the outburst of noise and energy outside. And to have God introduced to them as soon as possible, to let God have this tight hold on their lives before the self begins to grow too strong and the cloud of doubts and rationalization settle down to steal them away from their roots. Royal Rangers exist not only to reach and teach boys and girls, but also to keep them within the folds of christian fellowship. At the end of the day I can see now that it isn't so much what you do as what you impart to the person. I dare say if not for Rangers my life would be very different now, and i believe not for the better.

Teach me to worship You
Teach me to adore You
I want to love You, with my whole being

Quote of e Post:
One can only live with dignity, you can't die with dignity - death is always ugly

Individual System

2009-02-19T09:41:00.003+08:00

Pulling 12 hour shifts on 2 meals a day being up all night watching all kinds of drama reruns laughing for no reason singing to the wall sleeping at 9am shadow boxing in a dark room lunch at 4pm nip tuck is at 2 am SFI arrives at 5am and I get to sleep all the way as I like till 6pm

Surely that will count for some form of lucid reduction of common sense.

Valentines day was nothing actually. I made it a point not to to treat it any differently (going so far as to forget to wish people a happy valentines day) but it didn't matter in the end, it was still a great day @ enrollment service ^_^ I can't say that I'm not shocked at the decision- I never meant to leave the company of my fellow ERs (My mind never catches up to my age, give it a 2 year lag or so) in this way, heck I never meant to leave at all. Sigh.

A friend of mine just lost their grand-uncle and I haven't had lots of practice with grieving but I do know one thing. There is a time for everything, a time to mourn and a time to forget. Forgetting will always seem the hardest but time will do the rest. nothing can bring the dead back to life- they will live on forever in your memories.

Will update again soon %_%

Quote of e Post:
By loving, humans can live today
By being loved, they can live for tomorrow

Firefox Dieded

2009-02-09T13:58:00.002+08:00

Gragh!! MY computer just died again- spent all night fixing it... Only to find out that now firefox has a bone or two, or three to pick with me >.< Now I can't even run firefox, it always crashes a few seconds after I open it. So I'm giving up on it until an answer reveals itself (never).

RIP Firefox.
200X - 2009

So I've shifted to Google Chrome! All hail ;)

Facebook may be fun to some because of the tons of annoying applications you can fiddle with but I think the spreading trend of fun semi-quiz notes are awesome. Much better then like pretending to be a landlord or something :P

Its 4:30pm, and Im hungry :(

Quote of e Post:
"Who said there are no assurances in life? I assure you this is going to hurt."

Duality

2009-01-28T20:12:00.002+08:00

It is horrifying when two superpowers get into a fight. It is scary when two countries get into a fight. It is pretty dangerous when two communities start to clash. But it is just miserable to watch two friends (ok a friend and someone you know) go at each other. Years of relationship cannot do down the drain this way. Come on! Wake up your idea- both of you! In case you both haven't taken a step back and looked at it, you're handling it the EXACT same way. YES BOTH. Down to the bitching about one another to friends (see it, see the irony of your complaints!), just that one of you have the "moral high ground" but still no one is winning.

I'm glad that this isn't quite breaking up how much you care for umm each other. A song, look at the words.

I still like this acoustic version

Bayside - Montauk
It's getting cold
Thought it was too soon to tell
but it was terribly old
and now the heartbeat slows
to a heartless crawl

The lights went out
The lights went out
and darkness filled the house on
a tiring night under a Long Island sky.

I thought I'd known the consequence,
sweetness,
can you believe this?
mess we've made of it
this mess we've made of it

In years to come it might make sense
sweetness
can you believe this
Just what's become of it
What's become of it

but If you hear this and you think you're ready, meet me in
Montauk where
we'll write out in the sand
Here lies the destiny
of two hurt souls afraid to be
cured again
That could be our epitaph

i thought i'd know the consequence
sweetness
can you believe this
mess we've made of it
this mess we've made of it
in years to come it might make sense
sweetness
can you believe this
what's become of it
what's become of it

i thought i'd know the consequence
sweetness
can you beileve this
mess we've made of it
this mess we've made of it
in years to come it might make sense
sweetness
can you believe this
what's become of it
what's become of it
i know i know

i thought i'd known the consequence
sweetness
can you believe this
mess we've made of it
this mess we've made of it
in years to come it might make sense
sweetness
did you foresee this
what's become of it
what's become
-------------------------

I know it isn't the right context but I like the song :3

Going back to camp in an hour. I don't know if I WANT to get the new job, if I don't I'll be enjoying my 2days soon enough.

Quote of e Post:
The word cynicism generally describes the opinions of those who see self-interest as the primary motive of human behaviour, and who disincline to rely upon sincerity, human virtue, or altruism as motivations.

選擇

2009-01-27T00:35:00.003+08:00

This is a damn old song. I think I remember it from when my grandmother was still alive- when I heard it on a variety show I knew I had to go find it. The tune lived on in my memories as a spectral flicker, only barely coming alive when triggered. Its elusiveness was as enthralling as it was frustrating but today we caught it.

People just don't make songs like this anymore. <3

So the one most annoying thing about visitation? The questions. I don't even care for the money, or the rotting orange exchange.

Quote of e Post:
we don't know where we're going
we forgot where we came from

Luna New Year

2009-01-26T00:37:00.002+08:00

A long time ago, when Wai Keat first joined us; he made what I thought was a silly remark (i thought it was silly then) but upon further reflection I discovered he was right. Having grown up with the Rangers and in church I have gotten so used to these wonderful people around me that I begin to lose sight of the fact that they are so - so them- so great. Especially those whom you're relatively close with as compared to the casual acquaintance- after spending a few days in their presence it is hard to imagine going back to a world where the people around you aren't as natural to you as the air you breathe or your very arms and feet. I can now savor and understand how hard it must have been to break the 23 days combo they had- living just ain't living, it isn't the same.

I used to remember there were these anonymous confession sites where people could anonymously post their confessions online (or send it in by postcard or whatever) They are kind of entertaining but painful to read. As to how much is actually real is another matter altogether. But still I want to believe in those posts, that there are people alive in the world as screwed up as I am.

It is Chinese New Year again.

Quote of e Post:
Who let, who let this feeling die, when all I did was try?
Who let, you let this feeling die,
I can't get you out of my head, my head.
You're the flame that burns me so I know that I'm still alive.

Nicol Bolas is IMBA

2009-01-20T19:32:00.002+08:00

Its nights out day again! Haha. And I'm updating from HOME, gosh I'll flip if I try to update from a lanshop again haha (waste money) The past week has been great. I really enjoyed ICCT, it was painful, sore, and damn lot of fun. But I have grading tomorrow, wish me the best of luck! ^_^ And don't tap me on the back during the coming week -seriously- haha.

Dinner on Saturday night was great! Not that it hasn't already been mentioned to death by the others but I'm glad to have my rangers family. Its something special, like the other people in life are somewhat lacking. I'm so looking forward to this weekend again :)

I'm extremely excited for a friend of mine, how often does your dream in life come up to you and offer you everything you ever wanted. And you didn't do anything for it besides continuing to believe? God truly works in amazing ways- there must be a God, believe it.

Aww snap I have to go back again (so soon lol) Oh Oh Oh- Im off on friday so I'm going for the gathering! Yay! Haha- oh damn Im sounding like one retarded schoolgirl this entire post- haha. Only 11 more months to ORD and I am so happy haha ^_^

And the B2 PA job is STILL up for grabs. Eat THAT - life.

Quote of e Post:
The God I know, His heart beats within me
As You are so are we

Objection! Do not want

2009-01-10T11:51:00.003+08:00

There was this tiny point in time when I seriously considered being a lawyer. Not the idyllic power suit, big car, multi-billion dollar lawsuit a week kind but more of the humble 90 hour week, living out of your desk with a small team of paralegals. Criminal law is the flashy stuff we see on television but there is demand for people to handle (though not as much action or drama in) bad-faith cases, breach-of-trust (is that the same thing?), trespassing, or even public nuisance cases. Sound fun right? Yea, tell me all about it when and if I get into law school.

Which brings me around. If I can't take law at a local university because of grades (accursed Econs and Math, math cos I suck at it but Econs... we'll see about it) where can I take it without having my parents bust a gut or bomb paying through the nose? Do I still want to be a lawyer *cough cough* and have no life whatsoever. Its not an easy job and seriously, not every umm attorney (I do realise studying law does not make you an attorney, surprise! There are OTHER jobs that a legally trained person can do, horror) rolls in money.

Why have I come to this? Having looked through the entire array of courses avaliable under the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences I am utterly horrified at the lack of viable options- what I do find interesting does not seem practical for a job. And practically I can't imagine teaching (heaven forbid, I will do my upmost to reject this route), social service (which incredibly is what psychology sets people up to do, even if you do take the masters in clinical psychology) or research (somehow or rather I realise philosophy opens doors everywhere and also no where). In fact I now begin to see merit in the fields of economics (very safe, and very out of my scope of interests) and sociology, along with that huge other question. Do I REALLY want to do this?

Story of my life.

It is good that I have begun thinking. I was afraid that I am growing very dense in the head.

On a lighter note, I always knew the humble recorder that plagued us in primary and secondary school was cool for something:

I know its not perfect but that why I chose it - for its the closest, most heartfelt noob yet unwavering effort I could find. This is spirit.

Now where did I leave that thing~

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When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Misery is my Happy time

2009-01-09T16:22:00.004+08:00

And in the blink of an eye its the end of my week long holiday! Back to work everybody, nothing to see here shoo shoo shoo.

Super sad that I missed Christmas haha. Nevermind, this year 2009- christmas will be the coolest greatest Christmas ever. Heck it will be the craziest December! If all goes according to plan I will be totally busy half the month!

It would have been fine if you'd just left and never returned.

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It is true
No matter where a human goes he is alone
But - because we are alone
That is why we seek love

Stupid PDF...

2009-01-07T18:44:00.002+08:00

Oh this is total bull! I'm totally on OFF and I have to shuttle back and forth as though Maju were next door or something. So its Wednesday today right? Lets see I need to go back in the morning tomorrow and then again on Saturday morning oh and again on Saturday NIGHT lasting the whole SUNDAY till MONDAY morning (I'm also really pissed that I'm also missing service AGAIN) Did I mention that I will be returning to life as per usual on Tuesday?!

Gragh- so much for optimism- forget the week can't this year pass any quicker?!

Quote of e Post:
LIVE ON!!

Stoner Sunshine

2009-01-02T16:37:00.003+08:00

Happy 2009 everyone~ well yes this isn't going to be as chirpy as most people have theirs. And I know this is way late- like everything else on this site. Repeat to yourself- short posts short intervals short posts short intervals. There, phew.

Never mind, whats past is past, I'll get to things when they come round again.

For now... WHAT A WASTE OF GOOD CURRY T__T wuwu

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That's the spirit... one part brave, three parts fool

Spitalfield

2008-12-14T11:30:00.004+08:00

I MUST write something to get that video down lower on the page >.< Now its making me cringe whenever I see it. It was a super spur of the moment of weakness thing. Long post coming up.

Deployment is ending and I'll return to Maju soon enough- good things must come to an end. It has been EXTENDED but that only means I'll be up in arms on Christmas. Yes, Christmas. You have no idea how much that thought darkens my heart and mind. Then again, as pessimistic as it may sound, missing Christmas isn't going to be much different from being there.

Off the side, I am no musician but seems like I've been messing up my acoustic rock (like what?) with soft rock- alright its the acoustic rock SOUND with the soft rock LYRICS. Alright maybe I am messing this up again but I wanted to find the place to slot this- so it isn't just floating around undecided. Like everything else in my life.

I am really slow to comment but the case of the first Singaporean terrorist victim really is such a pity. She was so young and full of promise, it was a stroke of misfortune- being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The terrorists used way too little logic, killing a small number of people will steel the resolve of their enemies not to give in to their demands. The deaths are more personal and targeted which incites righteous anger. To really shake the world into listening, a massive action has to be taken -like 911- maybe on a even larger scale. The loss of thousands will blur the authorities away from who and how they died to WHY, giving them reason to notice your cause and sober to the fact that you are that capable. From the moment they embarked on such a minuscule operation they were doomed to death- so why not go out with a greater bang and make yourself heard loud and proud. If you truly do not fear death.

These terrorists are such failures.

Happy Birthday Joel!! The party was a blast :) Glad you enjoyed the gift. I will write in your book, some day. The less marks one leaves, the harder it is to trace their passing.

Went for the My Hope movement on Friday, alright so it was not exactly successful since no one new was there. But it was quite fun and meaningful. Vanity of vanities all is vanity like a bubble that bursts. How much is enough if there ever is? There will never be enough. Human greed is unlimited, the very concept of enough is a stain to the hunger for more. I just hope I could have sent off the mission trip people.

To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) is an American non-profit organization which aims to present hope and find help for people struggling with problems such as depression, drug addiction, self-injury, and suicide. I had no idea that when it was founded in March 06 the person who went around promoting the movement would be so special. Their slogans include "Love is the movement" "Rescue is Possible" and "Stop the Bleeding"- I always thought it was just Love is the movement, Rescue is possible, didn't know about the third one they use at live events. Why bring this up? Because I absolutely adore their slogans- If i had a credit card I'd buy their t-shirts. Beautiful.

Flipping through other people's blogs can be quite painful.

JC was a 2 year blur, perhaps I had my eyes and mind turned in the wrong direction, not seeing all the life that was there. Reading back now, it was really happening for so many people. There were activists, singers, clubbers, the good people who still had as much life as the goth looking alcoholics, the kind, the downright nasty, the beautiful, the beauty that had to be uncovered, the handsome, the handsomeness that was just a front and so much more. I really was lucky to be in A02, it may be the most diverse class but it truly was the most absolutely amazing compound.

Are we really the sum of experiences we've had in life thus far? All these wasted years making me the person I am. Where was the fork in the road where I went down the other side? Was it my choice of CCA, fed by a pointless dream? Or was it that wasted year in secondary school? The first person I spoke to and associated with then? Or even before then- in P4? When I rejected the essence of a clique mentality? Or in P5 when I first got cable? Even further back I can't remember- was I ruined by the internet? The radio? Television? The people I met?

To be honest, I am no gamer. And no mugger. And now, not much of a reader either.

The house can get really dark in the day time. I miss (all of) you, come back soon. Mission trip, stay safe.

Quote of e Post:
What I'm looking for are the answers to why these questions never go away

Endless Tomorrow

2008-11-29T00:41:00.002+08:00

I'm here now most likely because I won't be at home for the next few days at all. I'm quite weird-ed out about going tomorrow. Of all the weekends I have nothing to do, the one day I do have something to pull on (SITEX, if you really want to know, which is quite pathetic in itself really) I decide to blow on well- patching up something I've been tearing at for months. Not the best of times but I'll live through it.

Sleepovers, ironically hardly result in any sleep at all- so I'm sleeping at night today. What? At night? Really? Yes I am! Sure my sleep patterns have been severely disturbed but that is no reason to be all dopey in the day if there is something on right?

So that leave me packing 2 days in advance. Silly fool.

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People can only understand what they've experienced

Penitence is a glove for priests

2008-11-25T08:47:00.004+08:00

I have always found the two days off extremely short, especially when its on the weekdays. The day // night shift it totally killing my schedule outside... I wonder how I'll even begin to survive once I go back. There is a 3 day shift coming up... I really wasn't looking forward to this.

It was a pretty fun (read hectic) week at "work". This coming pre-weekend shift my usual partner won't be there so that will be like 70% of the fun gone right about there. A senior will be taking over- bleah. So yea... I better hit the library or something just to find stuff to do these 3 days. Its not an incredible lot but I hope to be able to do something. At least I finished my RR assignment.

Finished reading I"S. WK ah WK, I'm not the infallible epitome of goodness you make me out to be. If I were, would... would everything with everyone have turned out like this? I wouldn't have even met you WK.

~~Single guys shouldn't read romance novels or manga.~~ Its amazing what you can come up with when you're bored.

Radio fluff. I just can't help myself, I'm a sucker for fairytale endings.

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There's no angel kind enough to hear my repentance

Stories

2008-11-03T02:18:00.001+08:00

Ayuko Oka, help me remember that name, it will bite me again next time.

I've spent my leave days quite fruitfully (in my opinion) got to catch up on many series and get some work (however small) done.

I do feel blessed, for breakfast I had homemade pancakes with chocolate sauce (melted from real chocolate) and fresh fruit. Fantastic if I have to say so myself. There are many things in life that we should be thankful for

And I watched i mean really watched a lot of stuff- completed streamed and movies over these 4 days. I'm just happy that I had a break from the usual humdrum of life in SP coy. Lets not remember I will return there tonight.

I'm twenty now. And even though I am not sure, I believe that it will be high time that I chose. Time is running out.

If you were to give happiness had a form, what form would you give? Someone said its like glass- its always there but you just don't see it. And if you we're to just change your angle and perspective a little, it would state its presence and existence more elegantly in the world. Personally while that scene was touching, happiness- in a living form would have to be nothing less then

Trips aren't about where you go but about who you go with.

Strawberries. They're supposed to be sweet- but all I taste is a gritty, sour bitterness. The bite wound, bright like a fresh incision bleeds pale sticky juice. But that taste, is not wholly unpleasant- perhaps that is the sweetness I have heard so much about. The sweetness that extends beyond this unassuming ruby I hold in my palm, like a small leaking heart. Bittersweet and sour is sweetness indeed.

Quote of the Post:
Do you know why the snow is white? Because it forgot what color it is

May'n

2008-11-02T02:52:00.003+08:00

Its been way too long for a post to pop up.

Been really busy, come the week after next i'll be on deployment and then AFTER that come December we have been scheduled for AIT. How we came to have to do AIT all of a sudden is not an event I'd like to talk about. This is the SAF's Christmas present to me, is that the best you can do? I'll beat this one too. One month of hell in a cell, at least some people will be joining me, even if they aren't in the same place going through the same thing.

At least for now i'll be on deployment so things will be fun but then my weekends will be fractured for a month. This is going to be troublesome...

I have, had a dream. Perhaps one day, in the future, we'll find each other. Till then, before we do I hope you stay safe. Oh, and God? Surprise me.

Woohoo! May'n in Singapore! I better check to see if im on deployment that weekend, if im not I will surely go!

Quote of e Post:
What will you choose? Him or the world?

What is sad?

2008-10-12T11:49:00.002+08:00

You know what sad is?

Sad is when you know that the things you ought to care the most about (and vice versa) are nothing in your eyes.

Sad is when the most excited you've been in months is a card game release spoiler.

Sad is when you don't mind sacrificing weekends because in your heart you know that there's nothing waiting for you out there anyway.

Sad is when you worry more about not being able to attend someone else's birthday party because you know no one will celebrate yours anyway.

Sad is when you know that you really don't know- and that you've learned not to care.

Sad is- when you are so used to it you realize you don't feel the sadness anymore.

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We must laugh before we are happy, for fear of dying without having laughed at all.

LOVELESS

2008-10-12T02:17:00.002+08:00

My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely

- LOVELESS, ACT IV

I have decided, my next skin idea will be based upon either AIR or LOVELESS, either way its going to be original and since the source is so old, I shouldn't have a problem finding material. The current skin is too dark but my skins have always (almost) been black or something along those lines- its neat and clean as well as a solid color. Someone once told me, of fashion- you cannot go wrong with black or white.

A sad existence, never to be close to anyone. At first she dreams, of the sky, and then the past. These dreams eat at her and she begins to feel a pain that shouldn't be there- and gradually, she begins to forget everything. Even her most precious friend. She is always alone and eventually disappears, the morning after she dreams her last dream, she will die.

Here at the threshold of 20, I've had more then a dozen and a half years behind me and none the worse to wear. Birthdays are overrated, each year it passes and nothing changes. Ten years of light, ten years of darkness, the next ten are grey and the other ten might be my last. First I am the light, and then I steep into the dark, next the walls between the two will blur, or even disappear. The inevitable end is that both the light and the dark will cancel each other out, leaving me with nothing- actually no, making me nothing. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust but if you become nothing before you die... then what are you?

I don't need another birthday, I only need to truly die once.

Quote of the Post:
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

I Only Love Crazy People

2008-09-30T22:31:00.004+08:00

Alright so I'm sure no one reads this now... lol. I've moved back to Maju, life there still sucks; no matter how I might have imagined otherwise. Sigh.

I got guard duty tomorrow, on a public holiday AGAIN. Whats up with the SAF and my public holidays?

Life is just sad. I just feel sad. Maybe its the rain, maybe its the lifestyle im not used to, maybe its the disappointments I've faced regarding my return to 6SIR. Maybe just maybe, im cracking up- not in the laughing way.

Its tough when its takes a web-comic to make you realize you actually need love. It is also quite disturbing when you find the only really attractive are the OCD girl with crazy hair and the alcoholic bitch (no really, her only defining feature is that she is has a really sharp tongue for criticism- in fact its the tool of her trade) who has severe issues in life because her father committed suicide before her very eyes at an impressionable age. They are not exactly lovable characters but it seems only the crazy people appeal to me. Ahhh Faye and Hanners =)

Its not that other more normal people aren't appealing- its just that, I don't know. Eye bagged, red eyed, tear streaked faces are lovely to me. Scars are thropies and pain makes one stronger- the beauty in surviving is to keep at it when it just gets worse.

Oh yea I forgot, its that irritating streak of mine again. That saving people thing. Or as somone (the only person who seems to have heard this little trait) has phrased it "you're a sensitive new age guy caught between the metrosexual and the chivalric knightshit". Pushing that aside abit, I don't know about being metrosexual (as in to say being image focused as opposed to who i am, says wikipedia, no it has NOTHING to be with one's sexual orientation) and secondly the chivalric knightshit (ahem) is - I don't know.

Alright I really don't know. Love shouldn't be about getting wasted and then laid (that is not love that is a badly plotted modern day romance movie). Heck, I have never gotten wasted, alcohol abhors me as it did in my father's veins (he is allergic). Moving back, why and how can Questionable Content cause so much strife internally? Sure it has its loveable bits but there's something strange about it- something- realistic (alright before you start mentioning pintsize I said SOMETHING, not EVERYTHING) It could happen, but its not healthy, no their lifestyle is very decidedly not healthy as rated by the value system I was born and raised with.

And about Sunday. Being serious- what do I do about being serious? Like This entire life is like a movie, running accross my eys, over and under all around me. Its like a huge script written 2D and a character just woke up 3D, and is baffled by what he is surrounded by. Transcending earth and the things we can justify and prove, going into the realm of the divine and God- I really don't know, I'm sorry Rachel, its not that I'm not serious, I just can't take this seriously, not this, not life, not anyone or anything. It just does not seem real enough.

I fear the big issue we're facing here is DESENSITIZATION. Numb to life, having lived so short but to feel so much. Rubbed raw to the point its nerves are dead, bleeding so much it can't feel the damage. As much as I loved it, I hatd being an empath and perhaps it has finally done me in. Not the science fiction psychic kind- just the kind that really feels the pain he thinks you are going through (regardless whether you are feeling what he percives you are) and believes he understands because of it.

I don't know how I got here. Women cry out in tears and soul wrenching sobs but men cry out in dry anguish and tortured fustration.

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And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

XKCD

2008-09-21T11:14:00.003+08:00

Hahaha! I haven't enjoyed my nights as much since... like ever. Staying out is really awesome for morale (but terrible for your sleep hours lol)

I may not be QX, and I sure as hell don't really KNOW the coding shitz but thus is clear enough to be understood. Brilliantly funny.

I lawled till I cried

Why does that ever look so familiar :'(

HAHAHAHA- Am I the only one who finds the last panel kind of sullies the joke? xS

I'm going completely off tangent with what I feel about this but... why do they ALWAYS portray a girl for these things?!

LoL Damn I spent all morning reading those <.<

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Im not slacking off, my code's compiling.

Wreck-Gar

2008-09-17T21:16:00.002+08:00

WAHA- I'm back! I PASSED!!! 15/9/08 is one day to remember. EIGHT tries! Madness. Well ok yes for those who suddenly checked their calenders it is the 17th because on 15th I stayed the night for island-wide and last night I was too tired and forgot all about posting.

RANDOMNESS:
I want the Tour de Japon soundtrack DVD or whatever thingy. Or even better, get the live concert! (But its long over, like 4 years ago). Can't wait for Dissidia and maybe FF-XIII but I don't own a PS3 (I could probably purchase one in a few years time at a greatly reduced cost but what the bleh, by then I think PS2s will be going for like 100 dollars or something)

I'm not a very good Final Fantasy fan x$ Having only played 4, 7, 8, 9 and 7 CC. Not to mention I only completed 7, 9 and 7 CC. Tsk tsk. Well I would do the older ones but they bored me. And the other newer ones are *cough*not *cough* available*cough* on*cough* a *cough*platform-i-own. Well other than XI but that is an mmorpg that no one I know plays so whatever to that.

You people know those online love calculators? Most of them are just trash but a few are more- special. Special like in malicious. Well yess that IS kind of cute in a way but its all in the privacy policy if you boyther to read it.

[This part is LIFTED]
Terms of Use
Welcome to [name of some stupid site]. We hope you enjoy our site.

Information Collected by [the same stupid site]
When you use the Secret-loves Calculator, everything typed at the web form will be transmitted to the owner of the link. If you do not agree to this, please do not fill in anything.

By accessing this website and/or the use of the service therein, you expressly permit, authorize and give consent to the CrushCalculator website to share information about you or provided by you to any third party.
[End of the LIFTED trash]

You see, it seems like harmless fun, well it seemed like harmless fun say about 3 years ago! But now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps once one has nothing to lose, many things become quite funny in retrospect.

And if you ever do find a real working love calculator let me know. I have to find the creator because Im searching for God :)

Quote of e Post:
Dare to be stupid!

Round Table

2008-08-31T03:19:00.004+08:00

Today was the RR mooncake festival celebration. It was great fun preparing (since I had work to do) and clearing up but the actual event itself wasn't much to roar about. In fact it was mundanely boring- since many of my fellow ERs were in RBC rather than at the event. They only reappeared at 10pm after everything was over. Just isn't the same.

I've already updated so I'm a little tired out but this place is different. This will be an exposure, it will be rather painful and its written more of my own peace of mind than anyone's reading pleasure. I am not considering the repercussions of this action at this moment.

There is a rather exclusive group that I'm fortunate to be part of. The 15 odd (fluctuates) of us have stuck through pretty much hell and high water and each and every one of them are valuable to me, I'm not sure if I am allowed to call them all friends but their mere presence has a soothing effect almost unmatched by any other. I'm only covering a few members for it would take far too long to create an extensive list.

We begin with the mentor, she leads us, guides us and is understanding as far as it is within her capability. Occasionally she begins to crack a little but nevertheless overall I could ask for no better a guide in that team. Following is the semi-tutor. Thing is, having known him for so long it is difficult to respect him as one who is in charge, especially not when most of his actions do no exemplify the image he ought to be producing, but that is just the way he is.

We move on the the stoic looking one, ice princess that she is, cool and collected like a marble statue- pale and beautiful. Her contribution I must recognize as a certain chemistry within the group, and isn't as much a practical tangible quality as it is a subtle and passive effect. Her sister on the other had adds life and noise. Her boisterous outbursts and reactions are second only to her devotion to her work- she works hard and plays hard, is good with children and certainly lives up to her gifting.

Her comrade in arms is the singer, not merely his voice but his being is a personification of praise and worship in itself. It has become to him a lifestyle, remarkable indeed, he is endearing to those who are close to him in his own way. Such as the empath amongst us, she is very sensitive to changes and movements, and is staunch and mature beyond usual expectations. She thus is as reliable a person as none other to those who manage their way into her life. Its true that being in love makes one glow, she does truly have a very tangible beauty these days.

Then we have the joker who lets up far less than he knows, playing the fool to compliment out half-tutor he is deadly effective when serious and can achieve great things if he put his soul to it. Beside him would be the living stone, as great an enigma to me as the rest but with tantalizing glaces into his life- he does seem to care a great lot but is disassociated when questioned.

A confidant of his would be the cute but lurking baker. A few of us had rescued her into the fold and her growth has been exemplary. I am unsure how far she has progressed since then but she does seem to do well. Which brings me down to the last one. A long missing member who was on a trip of great personal encounter and growth she has finally returned and her presence is as enlightening as her input. Though I don't think she has contributed much yet as more opportunities open up her value will shine through.

What is the point of listing out so many people? I have no idea, I just wrote what I felt was right to me- and it has led me to an insight. This motley crew could be as close as family when need be and can vary in strength with great potential. I for one do not see where I fit in, there isn't much I can contribute at the moment and soaking up their presence is like a sin in itself. I hope by the next meeting I am able to show my presence to a far better light than it is now.

I had planned to write something that concerned a radio article and Anna's post but I'm totally bushed. 4am it is.

Its a lovely song by a local artiste. Maybe I should invest in am album.

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Not seeing them now will make seeing them the next day that much harder